Survivor 1957
06-18-2007, 12:53 PM
My secret is out
I had to talk to my boss (the chief of police) to let him know I would be taking time off . We talked off the record and I told him I was being treated for PTSD. I cant believe I told him. I am ready to puke.
K
I had to talk to my boss (the chief of police) to let him know I would be taking time off . We talked off the record and I told him I was being treated for PTSD. I cant believe I told him. I am ready to puke.
K
Sponsor
Sannah
06-18-2007, 12:55 PM
Dearest Survivor, keep posting then and get more out here with us!
Survivor 1957
06-18-2007, 01:03 PM
Cant Post Any More Thave To Go Back To Work,,,,,,i Should Not Of Told, My Walls Are Ocming Down And I Am Not Ready
K
K
Phoenix
06-18-2007, 01:04 PM
Dear K,
Your body just hasn't yet caught up with what the mind has truly done yet.
It is no longer a secret and that is a good thing.
The Chief had to respect your candor, when you brought it to the table in the manner you did.
It is nothing to feel embarrassed about.
Now you can begin to take care of you.
No better time than the present.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
(Ryan)
Your body just hasn't yet caught up with what the mind has truly done yet.
It is no longer a secret and that is a good thing.
The Chief had to respect your candor, when you brought it to the table in the manner you did.
It is nothing to feel embarrassed about.
Now you can begin to take care of you.
No better time than the present.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
(Ryan)
Sannah
06-18-2007, 02:13 PM
K, maybe keeping the secret helped you to defend/protect yourself and now you feel vulnerable for letting it out. We have all felt vulnerable before. You can still protect yourself.
stick2013
06-18-2007, 04:08 PM
K,
You're going to be fine. Are you ok now???
You're going to be fine. Are you ok now???
stick2013
06-18-2007, 04:28 PM
K,
Please let me know if you're ok, or not. If you need to talk I will be here.......
Please let me know if you're ok, or not. If you need to talk I will be here.......
Survivor 1957
06-18-2007, 07:31 PM
Hi,
I just got home, I went to my VA councilor right after work and told him what happened......I sure do wish I did not tell the Chief. I do not want the department to know what is going on, I do not want the department to treat me different, or talk about it..they are so in the dark on what PTSD is..... It has always been the Viet Nam Vet messed up on drugs in their minds. They have no idea that it is the VET, and the mother , and the child and the who ever has had severe trauma......
Cops are not always the most comforting people. I am not sure if it because they only see the crap side of life and get harden by the job. Or is it because they are afraid it is very Cole to home to their own demons.
I am ok for now, just in a deep hole with all this going on. Still have not seen the doc since last Monday. No appointment till 29 June. This just sucks! Thanks for being here.
K
I just got home, I went to my VA councilor right after work and told him what happened......I sure do wish I did not tell the Chief. I do not want the department to know what is going on, I do not want the department to treat me different, or talk about it..they are so in the dark on what PTSD is..... It has always been the Viet Nam Vet messed up on drugs in their minds. They have no idea that it is the VET, and the mother , and the child and the who ever has had severe trauma......
Cops are not always the most comforting people. I am not sure if it because they only see the crap side of life and get harden by the job. Or is it because they are afraid it is very Cole to home to their own demons.
I am ok for now, just in a deep hole with all this going on. Still have not seen the doc since last Monday. No appointment till 29 June. This just sucks! Thanks for being here.
K
stick2013
06-18-2007, 07:53 PM
K,
I understand your problem, I really do... I think that the timing is unfortunate for you, but if the rest of the people that work with you should find out. I guess it would be time to educate them, about PTSD.
Cops have changed since I grew up. They were actually not a bad group when I was younger. I had a few as friends. Hell when I was a kid, anyone that was even remotely nice I considered a friend.
I am glad that you are doing a little better than you were earlier..
Sid
I understand your problem, I really do... I think that the timing is unfortunate for you, but if the rest of the people that work with you should find out. I guess it would be time to educate them, about PTSD.
Cops have changed since I grew up. They were actually not a bad group when I was younger. I had a few as friends. Hell when I was a kid, anyone that was even remotely nice I considered a friend.
I am glad that you are doing a little better than you were earlier..
Sid
Survivor 1957
06-18-2007, 08:05 PM
it seems to me that cops were former military or working class types now they are green nose out of college with a ba or master degrees but no life experience to go with it. They make a good wage and forget the hard working people that are trying to make ends meet cant aford the 400 dollar ticket, if they could they would of fixed the dam car,.... i know i am off track but it needed to be said....thaks for caring sid, i am just a little tired.
k
k
stick2013
06-18-2007, 08:08 PM
K,
All of this emotional stuff makes us bone weary...Get some rest, or at least try to get some rest. ...................I really do care....
Sid
All of this emotional stuff makes us bone weary...Get some rest, or at least try to get some rest. ...................I really do care....
Sid
stick2013
06-19-2007, 05:29 PM
K,
Just checking in with you to see how you are today??? How did things at work go, or are you out on leave yet???
Let me know, ok???
Sid
Just checking in with you to see how you are today??? How did things at work go, or are you out on leave yet???
Let me know, ok???
Sid
Survivor 1957
06-19-2007, 05:54 PM
Hi,
Then Chief Went Out Of Town Today , Did Not Get Back Till 2pm, We Were Working Suicide Attempt When He Got Back, 22 Yearold Jumped In Front Of A Car....multi Agency Resonce Due To Being On A Main Road.....(and I Wonder What Makes Me Stressed And What Triggers Me) When I Left The Chief Was Calling The Lt. To His Office,,,,i Know I May Be Paranoid, But It Very Well May Be About Me...i See The Therapist In The Am, Took The Whoel Day Off....i Hanging On.
K
Then Chief Went Out Of Town Today , Did Not Get Back Till 2pm, We Were Working Suicide Attempt When He Got Back, 22 Yearold Jumped In Front Of A Car....multi Agency Resonce Due To Being On A Main Road.....(and I Wonder What Makes Me Stressed And What Triggers Me) When I Left The Chief Was Calling The Lt. To His Office,,,,i Know I May Be Paranoid, But It Very Well May Be About Me...i See The Therapist In The Am, Took The Whoel Day Off....i Hanging On.
K
stick2013
06-19-2007, 05:58 PM
K,
Ok so I guess you had a bad day on the job. When are you going on leave, or taking the time off??? I'm sure that the chief isn't going around telling everyone that you have PTSD. But I am also sure he needs to replace you for the time that you are out.
I am in Ma too. Crappy Pittsfield. What part of the state are you from????
Ok so I guess you had a bad day on the job. When are you going on leave, or taking the time off??? I'm sure that the chief isn't going around telling everyone that you have PTSD. But I am also sure he needs to replace you for the time that you are out.
I am in Ma too. Crappy Pittsfield. What part of the state are you from????
Survivor 1957
06-19-2007, 08:19 PM
I Have Great Friends Out In Lanesboro And Great Barington. I Am On The Cape, So You Can See Replacingme At This Time Will Be Very Hard.... I Know I Have To Take Care Of Me But I Am A Professional And I Do Care About The Job....i Do Not Think The Chief Will Go Around Telling All, But News Travels Very Fast. I Just Dont Want To Deal With Anything Extra Right Now.
K
K
stick2013
06-19-2007, 08:26 PM
Yes, I can see your point. Replacement will be hard. Someone I know on the cape owns a restaurant. I also work for people in Lanesboro , and I have family there too. Cousins.....Small world.....
So you are taking care of you, which I think is great. I do think that in time, when you are grounded a little better, you will be able to handle the job too....Is that your goal??? To go back to work????
So you are taking care of you, which I think is great. I do think that in time, when you are grounded a little better, you will be able to handle the job too....Is that your goal??? To go back to work????
Survivor 1957
06-19-2007, 09:26 PM
Not Sure What I Am Going To Do, I Do Know That Work Triggers The Dark Side And I Do Not Know How Much More I Can Handel Of That..i Am Trying To Get The V.a. Disability Raised So I Wont Have To Work Overtime, I Just Dont Know Right Now....i Have 9 Years Left Till Retierment, (i Willnever Make It) 5 If They Change The Retiremnt Group Where In Which The Union Is Working On Now.). So I Just Have To Wait And See How Things Work Out Over The Next Few Months. The Big Thing Is To Stop Having Chest Pains And Panic Attacks
K
K
stick2013
06-19-2007, 09:28 PM
K,
Fear is what's bringing on the attacks. What's causing the fear? Do you know???
Fear is what's bringing on the attacks. What's causing the fear? Do you know???
Survivor 1957
06-19-2007, 10:04 PM
Fear...well Thats A Big Question. I Am Not Sure...could Be Alot Of Different Things, I Do Know Work Triggers Flash Backs And I Do Not Have Any Control Over That....the Worst One Was 8 1/2 Weeks Ago. Thats Why I Feel So Lost, I Do Not Know What Caused It
K
K
stick2013
06-19-2007, 10:10 PM
Panic attacks are caused by fear. It's the body's way of dealing with the trauma of the fear. If you can figure out what caused or triggered the fear, you could get a hold on the panic.
I hope this helps.
I hope this helps.
stick2013
06-19-2007, 10:12 PM
K,
You DO HAVE CONTROL over your flashbacks also.......It's how we react to the triggers that can determine how bad the flashback will become. That's why figuring out your triggers, and working on them is so important in therapy...
You DO HAVE CONTROL over your flashbacks also.......It's how we react to the triggers that can determine how bad the flashback will become. That's why figuring out your triggers, and working on them is so important in therapy...
Survivor 1957
06-20-2007, 08:23 AM
How Do You Have Control Over Something That Happens While You Sleep, I Understand About The Panic Attacks Being Fear Base But The Flashbacks...
K
K
stick2013
06-20-2007, 04:34 PM
K,
I really don't think that you are having flashbacks in your sleep.(SOMEONE please correct me if I am wrong) I think that you are having nightmares about the traumatic things that you have seen and been through. Maybe upon waking up you GO INTO a flashback...
Flashbacks are usually when a person is awake. It is triggered by something. My triggers...Dead bodies, blood, being called a liar, being lied to, men that have WAY TOO MUCH BODY HAIR!!!!!!!! Those are some of them, yes I have many more......UGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! It can be a word, a place, a piece of clothing, a look, anything can cause you to have a flashback, when there has been trauma. But it's usually something that WAS involved with the trauma.
Ok so if I was dating this guy and we finally had gotten to a point of intimacy, and he took off his shirt, and he was HAIRY!!!! I would instantly flip out. the flashbacks would start. I would want to run, scream, fight. I would start to sweat, hyperventilate, heart rate would climb, pulse rate would climb. And then the thoughts would start. OVER and OVER, I would see what had happened to me as a child. I would be right back in time and going through it all over again.
The way that you control them.......It teaching yourself to be in the HERE and NOW when they start. You tell yourself that you are OK. That this is NOT happening NOW. You are SAFE in your own surroundings. NO ONE can hurt you. TOUCH things, Smell things, FEEL things that are around you. Turn up some music. DO what it takes to stay in the HERE and NOW... It takes practice, and it takes time to learn it. IT CAN BE LEARNED........
Flashbacks, anxiety, and panic that come from trauma, are our bodies ways of handling the stress. It is just a RESPONSE to a PREVIOUS TRAUMA......You can RETRAIN yourself to NOT respond...
Am I making any sense here????????
Please let me know what you think...
Hugs,
Sid
I really don't think that you are having flashbacks in your sleep.(SOMEONE please correct me if I am wrong) I think that you are having nightmares about the traumatic things that you have seen and been through. Maybe upon waking up you GO INTO a flashback...
Flashbacks are usually when a person is awake. It is triggered by something. My triggers...Dead bodies, blood, being called a liar, being lied to, men that have WAY TOO MUCH BODY HAIR!!!!!!!! Those are some of them, yes I have many more......UGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! It can be a word, a place, a piece of clothing, a look, anything can cause you to have a flashback, when there has been trauma. But it's usually something that WAS involved with the trauma.
Ok so if I was dating this guy and we finally had gotten to a point of intimacy, and he took off his shirt, and he was HAIRY!!!! I would instantly flip out. the flashbacks would start. I would want to run, scream, fight. I would start to sweat, hyperventilate, heart rate would climb, pulse rate would climb. And then the thoughts would start. OVER and OVER, I would see what had happened to me as a child. I would be right back in time and going through it all over again.
The way that you control them.......It teaching yourself to be in the HERE and NOW when they start. You tell yourself that you are OK. That this is NOT happening NOW. You are SAFE in your own surroundings. NO ONE can hurt you. TOUCH things, Smell things, FEEL things that are around you. Turn up some music. DO what it takes to stay in the HERE and NOW... It takes practice, and it takes time to learn it. IT CAN BE LEARNED........
Flashbacks, anxiety, and panic that come from trauma, are our bodies ways of handling the stress. It is just a RESPONSE to a PREVIOUS TRAUMA......You can RETRAIN yourself to NOT respond...
Am I making any sense here????????
Please let me know what you think...
Hugs,
Sid
isitme
06-20-2007, 05:40 PM
I'll back you up sid...........You're making perfect sense. Fantastic description.
For years I would 'go funny' at the mention of a certain persons name. I had no other way of describing it as I didn't know what a trigger was all that time! We all learn as we plod along.
For years I would 'go funny' at the mention of a certain persons name. I had no other way of describing it as I didn't know what a trigger was all that time! We all learn as we plod along.
stick2013
06-20-2007, 05:59 PM
isitme...
Thanks girlfriend. I thought I was accurate about the flashbacks, being nightmares....Anyway as long as K can get some help... That's the important thing....
Sid
Thanks girlfriend. I thought I was accurate about the flashbacks, being nightmares....Anyway as long as K can get some help... That's the important thing....
Sid
Survivor 1957
06-20-2007, 06:40 PM
i disagree with you, flash backs come day or night, triggers from the day getting into your subconsious (spelling) and acting out while you are in a relaxed state.....when you wake up screamingand now your awake and you can smell the same smells see the same things and hear all the same sounds and feel the same pain,,,not some new smell or sight or pain , the same one over and over , that is a fash back not a dream......it does not change.
i have them day and night........
k
i have them day and night........
k
stick2013
06-20-2007, 07:52 PM
K,
I may be wrong. You may very well be having flashbacks in your sleep. I won't argue that point with you. Personally I have never had any in my sleep. I have had nightmares associated with my trauma, and when I awoke, I would go into a flashback. So you might be having them in your sleep.
The point isn't weather you are or aren't having them in your sleep. The point is trying to control them so that you can lead a fairly normal life, without the FEAR running your life for you. For YOU to gain control over the flashbacks....
It can be done......Are you willing to work on the suggestions that I offered??? Are you willing to do what it takes to be IN CONTROL of YOU????
Hugs,
Sid
I may be wrong. You may very well be having flashbacks in your sleep. I won't argue that point with you. Personally I have never had any in my sleep. I have had nightmares associated with my trauma, and when I awoke, I would go into a flashback. So you might be having them in your sleep.
The point isn't weather you are or aren't having them in your sleep. The point is trying to control them so that you can lead a fairly normal life, without the FEAR running your life for you. For YOU to gain control over the flashbacks....
It can be done......Are you willing to work on the suggestions that I offered??? Are you willing to do what it takes to be IN CONTROL of YOU????
Hugs,
Sid
Survivor 1957
06-20-2007, 08:38 PM
hi
I have music playing while I sleep and I have sprinkled sented oil on my comforter as you sugested. It helps me get to sleep but (there is always a but) I am still waking in a panic as if it is happening again.
I am working on what triggers the dark side, but I am not sure if i ever will be normal agian... I do know the job triggers alot of it...we had a nother suicide yesterday, and the domestic crap is bad. I know in my heart that it may be time to leave the force but I cant just now. I am hoping that I can get a handle on this a gain and that i can wait out till retierment.
k
I have music playing while I sleep and I have sprinkled sented oil on my comforter as you sugested. It helps me get to sleep but (there is always a but) I am still waking in a panic as if it is happening again.
I am working on what triggers the dark side, but I am not sure if i ever will be normal agian... I do know the job triggers alot of it...we had a nother suicide yesterday, and the domestic crap is bad. I know in my heart that it may be time to leave the force but I cant just now. I am hoping that I can get a handle on this a gain and that i can wait out till retierment.
k
stick2013
06-20-2007, 09:36 PM
I know that you are really having a hard time. BUT.... Yup the BUT.... I really don't think that leaving the force is going to help much. Your problems are still there. Yes, work may cause the triggers. But some of your triggers are EVERYWHERE. There is violence in the world, rapes on TV, Domestic violence on the news. So how do you escape it????
I really think that figuring out your triggers, and learning how to deal with them is the key....
When you wake up...Immediately start telling yourself that you are ok. You are safe, no one is hurting you. That it was in the past. Get out of bed, turn on lights, turn up the music a little. Start talking yourself down. Remind yourself over and over that you are safe. Concentrate on your breathing. Try to bring it back to a slower level. The key to this is to do it EVERY TIME......Every stinking flashback that you have. Talk yourself down and back from one...
It's all about bringing you into the here and now, and lowering your anxiety level. REMEMBER.....A flashback is only an EMOTION from a previous trauma. It can't hurt you......
Try this for few days and let me know how things go.... Don't forget to SMELL things, and TOUCH things, to wake up your senses and get them into the here and now too......
Hugs,
Sid
I really think that figuring out your triggers, and learning how to deal with them is the key....
When you wake up...Immediately start telling yourself that you are ok. You are safe, no one is hurting you. That it was in the past. Get out of bed, turn on lights, turn up the music a little. Start talking yourself down. Remind yourself over and over that you are safe. Concentrate on your breathing. Try to bring it back to a slower level. The key to this is to do it EVERY TIME......Every stinking flashback that you have. Talk yourself down and back from one...
It's all about bringing you into the here and now, and lowering your anxiety level. REMEMBER.....A flashback is only an EMOTION from a previous trauma. It can't hurt you......
Try this for few days and let me know how things go.... Don't forget to SMELL things, and TOUCH things, to wake up your senses and get them into the here and now too......
Hugs,
Sid
Survivor 1957
06-20-2007, 11:25 PM
sid,
I know they cant hurt,,,,but they do, I lost my voice for 9 days do to screaming. I woke up in the middle of the flash and was screaming so hard, my throat closed up, as if I was being choked agian. I have done damage to my vocal cords.......when I went up to my therapists today, while I was talking to her, my throat started to close and my voice got very small....I know this is from stress... but it is also real pain.. The side of my head has been hurting for the last 6 weeks, from where my hair had been pulled out....I know this happened many years ago. but with this last bad flashback I have not been able to shut it down ;-(.I know they call it body memories, but these memories I would like to forget.
The therapist say its not good to put up walls and not good to durpress memories. but when my walls ere intact I sure felt more in control of my life.
,,,,,,I will try to do as you sugest, I will try to talk myself through it...I will try. thanks sid,,,,,,,,,
k
I know they cant hurt,,,,but they do, I lost my voice for 9 days do to screaming. I woke up in the middle of the flash and was screaming so hard, my throat closed up, as if I was being choked agian. I have done damage to my vocal cords.......when I went up to my therapists today, while I was talking to her, my throat started to close and my voice got very small....I know this is from stress... but it is also real pain.. The side of my head has been hurting for the last 6 weeks, from where my hair had been pulled out....I know this happened many years ago. but with this last bad flashback I have not been able to shut it down ;-(.I know they call it body memories, but these memories I would like to forget.
The therapist say its not good to put up walls and not good to durpress memories. but when my walls ere intact I sure felt more in control of my life.
,,,,,,I will try to do as you sugest, I will try to talk myself through it...I will try. thanks sid,,,,,,,,,
k
stick2013
06-21-2007, 06:07 AM
K,
I know....I know how bad it can be hon. I'm sorry that you are going through this too. I think that we suppress for so long that when it finally does come to the surface, it's worse. We don't know how to deal, so we push it back down, force our minds and bodies to forget.
Learning coping skills, learning how to control your flashbacks, anxiety, and panic, will HELP you so much. I know that right now you don't think so, because it's raw, and it hurts. But it will. I promise.
When people get hit with this stuff, they don't know what is happening or how to stop it, so they panic more. It's all about trying to stay calm, and just talking yourself down, and bringing your mind, body and senses back into the here and now, so that it stops. If you fight it, it only gets worse. Try not to panic, try to stay calm.... I know it's not easy, I know it isn't, but just try. Don't give up on this....
Talk to your therapist about what I have suggested, see how they feel about what I have suggested. These are things that my therapist taught me to do.
Hope that you have a better day today.....
Hugs,
Sid
I know....I know how bad it can be hon. I'm sorry that you are going through this too. I think that we suppress for so long that when it finally does come to the surface, it's worse. We don't know how to deal, so we push it back down, force our minds and bodies to forget.
Learning coping skills, learning how to control your flashbacks, anxiety, and panic, will HELP you so much. I know that right now you don't think so, because it's raw, and it hurts. But it will. I promise.
When people get hit with this stuff, they don't know what is happening or how to stop it, so they panic more. It's all about trying to stay calm, and just talking yourself down, and bringing your mind, body and senses back into the here and now, so that it stops. If you fight it, it only gets worse. Try not to panic, try to stay calm.... I know it's not easy, I know it isn't, but just try. Don't give up on this....
Talk to your therapist about what I have suggested, see how they feel about what I have suggested. These are things that my therapist taught me to do.
Hope that you have a better day today.....
Hugs,
Sid