Phoenix
06-18-2007, 01:50 PM
Dear all:
I wrote this in late November and just felt it needed repeating. I am really "all over the place" between pillar and post, if you will:
Hello all,
I know that some are wondering what is going on with me at the moment. Anyone who has read my posts knows that I have not only psychological but physical issues to deal with. I often said that I have to deal with the physical pain before the psychological elements can be dealt with.
Out of sheer frustration and the need to feel "whole again," I searched for a few answers. This search led me to the Healthboards website and this particular forum with you beautiful people.
Since one on one therapy was not working, I had to try something different, so I jumped in with both feet. I began explaining my situation in depth and received responses that were extremely helpful. This in turn gave me comfort enough to want to reciprocate.
I provided advice and opinions to others based on my experiences and research I have done. In no way, shape or form do I mean to anger or confuse others but I realize that this will happen, as my wordings can easily be misinterpreted and emotions tend to run deep when certain topics are brought to the table. I want the same thing for others that I want for myself; a better understanding.
The reason I chose the labeling of forthemasses is because I am truly attempting to be there for as many people as possible, which in turn will help me psychologically; quite an undertaking, to say the least.
In the beginning I notice "overkill." I shared too much of myself too quickly and was not prepared for the feelings that were associated with it. I thought by "putting it all out there," that it would clear the psychological cobwebs but nothing could be further from the truth.
So here I am; wounds open and treading unfamiliar waters. Some days are better than others but please understand that I am still fighting the urge to "run" from myself. Painful, it definitely is and oh so uncomfortable. I am the first to tell others that I do not have all the answers but sure have a heck of a lot of questions.
I'm sensitive, vulnerable and so full of emotions it is really scary at times.
Above all else, please realize that I am human.
Take care and God Bless. Love and Peace. For the masses only.
I wrote this in late November and just felt it needed repeating. I am really "all over the place" between pillar and post, if you will:
Hello all,
I know that some are wondering what is going on with me at the moment. Anyone who has read my posts knows that I have not only psychological but physical issues to deal with. I often said that I have to deal with the physical pain before the psychological elements can be dealt with.
Out of sheer frustration and the need to feel "whole again," I searched for a few answers. This search led me to the Healthboards website and this particular forum with you beautiful people.
Since one on one therapy was not working, I had to try something different, so I jumped in with both feet. I began explaining my situation in depth and received responses that were extremely helpful. This in turn gave me comfort enough to want to reciprocate.
I provided advice and opinions to others based on my experiences and research I have done. In no way, shape or form do I mean to anger or confuse others but I realize that this will happen, as my wordings can easily be misinterpreted and emotions tend to run deep when certain topics are brought to the table. I want the same thing for others that I want for myself; a better understanding.
The reason I chose the labeling of forthemasses is because I am truly attempting to be there for as many people as possible, which in turn will help me psychologically; quite an undertaking, to say the least.
In the beginning I notice "overkill." I shared too much of myself too quickly and was not prepared for the feelings that were associated with it. I thought by "putting it all out there," that it would clear the psychological cobwebs but nothing could be further from the truth.
So here I am; wounds open and treading unfamiliar waters. Some days are better than others but please understand that I am still fighting the urge to "run" from myself. Painful, it definitely is and oh so uncomfortable. I am the first to tell others that I do not have all the answers but sure have a heck of a lot of questions.
I'm sensitive, vulnerable and so full of emotions it is really scary at times.
Above all else, please realize that I am human.
Take care and God Bless. Love and Peace. For the masses only.
Sponsor
isitme
06-18-2007, 05:36 PM
I'd like to tell you a story. About 15 years ago, I presented myself at the doctors and was diagnosed with depression for the first time. In the weeks that followed the doctor inquired,
"You worry so much about everyone else. Where do you fit into the equation? You seem to have overlooked yourself and your needs and put everyone else first"! (Words to that effect anyway).
My point is YOU need time for YOU. Let others help you, please, if we can. You are a great person.
"You worry so much about everyone else. Where do you fit into the equation? You seem to have overlooked yourself and your needs and put everyone else first"! (Words to that effect anyway).
My point is YOU need time for YOU. Let others help you, please, if we can. You are a great person.
stick2013
06-18-2007, 05:47 PM
FTM,
I will say this and let you think about it for awhile. You BELIEVE that therapy wasn't getting you anywhere. Yet you come here and post your heart out to others. What do you get in return???? Is it therapeutic? Does it resolve YOUR issues???? Do you in return WORK on YOUR issues?????
In order to get healthy one must actively work on their issues on a daily basis. A person can sit and think all they will about an issue, but until you take action to correct it, it is still an issue.
You give advice, but do you take your own advice to heart????? I am not criticizing you, so PLEASE don't think that. You stay away for weeks, come back,,,,,,,, post till you drop, and then leave this post again....I am just trying to figure out WHERE YOU ARE IN ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!
Sid
I will say this and let you think about it for awhile. You BELIEVE that therapy wasn't getting you anywhere. Yet you come here and post your heart out to others. What do you get in return???? Is it therapeutic? Does it resolve YOUR issues???? Do you in return WORK on YOUR issues?????
In order to get healthy one must actively work on their issues on a daily basis. A person can sit and think all they will about an issue, but until you take action to correct it, it is still an issue.
You give advice, but do you take your own advice to heart????? I am not criticizing you, so PLEASE don't think that. You stay away for weeks, come back,,,,,,,, post till you drop, and then leave this post again....I am just trying to figure out WHERE YOU ARE IN ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!
Sid
Phoenix
06-18-2007, 09:03 PM
I'd like to tell you a story. About 15 years ago, I presented myself at the doctors and was diagnosed with depression for the first time. In the weeks that followed the doctor inquired,
"You worry so much about everyone else. Where do you fit into the equation? You seem to have overlooked yourself and your needs and put everyone else first"! (Words to that effect anyway).
My point is YOU need time for YOU. Let others help you, please, if we can. You are a great person.
Dear isitme:
I take time out for me but at sporadic intervals.
As Sid has stated, I will post, leave and return with a burst of renewed "postal energy."
It is easy for me to run from myself because I have done this for ages(so it seems).
I crave that consistency.
I am weak, tired, hurt, angry.............(you get my drift)
Being there for others helps me but it is not the total answer to the equation; I know.
I've got to strategize a new approach.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
"You worry so much about everyone else. Where do you fit into the equation? You seem to have overlooked yourself and your needs and put everyone else first"! (Words to that effect anyway).
My point is YOU need time for YOU. Let others help you, please, if we can. You are a great person.
Dear isitme:
I take time out for me but at sporadic intervals.
As Sid has stated, I will post, leave and return with a burst of renewed "postal energy."
It is easy for me to run from myself because I have done this for ages(so it seems).
I crave that consistency.
I am weak, tired, hurt, angry.............(you get my drift)
Being there for others helps me but it is not the total answer to the equation; I know.
I've got to strategize a new approach.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Phoenix
06-18-2007, 09:58 PM
FTM,
I will say this and let you think about it for awhile. You BELIEVE that therapy wasn't getting you anywhere. Yet you come here and post your heart out to others. What do you get in return???? Is it therapeutic? Does it resolve YOUR issues???? Do you in return WORK on YOUR issues?????
In order to get healthy one must actively work on their issues on a daily basis. A person can sit and think all they will about an issue, but until you take action to correct it, it is still an issue.
You give advice, but do you take your own advice to heart????? I am not criticizing you, so PLEASE don't think that. You stay away for weeks, come back,,,,,,,, post till you drop, and then leave this post again....I am just trying to figure out WHERE YOU ARE IN ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!
Sid
Sid:
Therapy showed me that I hurt just like I love; very deeply.
When I face myself in this "confused state" , when my issues become too real for my own good, I leave the scene.
This "flight" mechanism of mines is designed to protect my psyche.
I have self esteem issues to deal with and it really helps me to know that I can possibly add advice to a person's situation that will help; if even minutely.
Sid:
(Now comes the most truth that I can state here)
I am caught in a whirlwind where I cannot equate which pain is more intense for me; the physical or psychological.
I will share with you what I called surreal.
I finally took all of my projects that I was working on out because I felt that it was time to begin moving forward with my life.
I sat there, wept and proceeded to take a walk.........
The very projects that were the driving point two years ago.................
looked greek to me!:mad:
I searched and searched for that spark of fire that can begin to illuminate my mind and nothing happenned.
My non-profit organization to help students of all ages, the children's books and my various other projects provided me no emotional value at all.
I realized then that I have become so bitter about the very things that I have no control over.
That person began a crusade against all wrongdoers until it blew a proverbial gasket in my mind.
I am a good person and I want to help others.
Here's an example:
XXXXXXXX insurance company sends me a letter stating that I asked for reimbursement of my medication co-payments.
Just seeing that letter brought back every negative feeling about that particular company and it bothered me for a mere letter to have such an effect on me.
I went to my attorney's office and explained that I sent them no such letter for compensation. They proceeded to tell me that they might have and I shouldn't worry about it.
I almost told the paralegal off; almost , mind you.
I left there drained because I was told that the other insurance company has anwered the lawsuit complaint and that I should be expected to come in by the end of this week.
This is what I was fighting for but it gives gives me no satisfaction at all.
I provide advice because I am a caring, giving, compassionate person.
I relate to the hurt and anguish on so many levels that I actually empathize also.
I just want my life to have meaning to me again.
I don't even know if this explains much but I tried.
It's not easy for me (or anyone, I guess).
Take care
God Bless
FTM
I will say this and let you think about it for awhile. You BELIEVE that therapy wasn't getting you anywhere. Yet you come here and post your heart out to others. What do you get in return???? Is it therapeutic? Does it resolve YOUR issues???? Do you in return WORK on YOUR issues?????
In order to get healthy one must actively work on their issues on a daily basis. A person can sit and think all they will about an issue, but until you take action to correct it, it is still an issue.
You give advice, but do you take your own advice to heart????? I am not criticizing you, so PLEASE don't think that. You stay away for weeks, come back,,,,,,,, post till you drop, and then leave this post again....I am just trying to figure out WHERE YOU ARE IN ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!
Sid
Sid:
Therapy showed me that I hurt just like I love; very deeply.
When I face myself in this "confused state" , when my issues become too real for my own good, I leave the scene.
This "flight" mechanism of mines is designed to protect my psyche.
I have self esteem issues to deal with and it really helps me to know that I can possibly add advice to a person's situation that will help; if even minutely.
Sid:
(Now comes the most truth that I can state here)
I am caught in a whirlwind where I cannot equate which pain is more intense for me; the physical or psychological.
I will share with you what I called surreal.
I finally took all of my projects that I was working on out because I felt that it was time to begin moving forward with my life.
I sat there, wept and proceeded to take a walk.........
The very projects that were the driving point two years ago.................
looked greek to me!:mad:
I searched and searched for that spark of fire that can begin to illuminate my mind and nothing happenned.
My non-profit organization to help students of all ages, the children's books and my various other projects provided me no emotional value at all.
I realized then that I have become so bitter about the very things that I have no control over.
That person began a crusade against all wrongdoers until it blew a proverbial gasket in my mind.
I am a good person and I want to help others.
Here's an example:
XXXXXXXX insurance company sends me a letter stating that I asked for reimbursement of my medication co-payments.
Just seeing that letter brought back every negative feeling about that particular company and it bothered me for a mere letter to have such an effect on me.
I went to my attorney's office and explained that I sent them no such letter for compensation. They proceeded to tell me that they might have and I shouldn't worry about it.
I almost told the paralegal off; almost , mind you.
I left there drained because I was told that the other insurance company has anwered the lawsuit complaint and that I should be expected to come in by the end of this week.
This is what I was fighting for but it gives gives me no satisfaction at all.
I provide advice because I am a caring, giving, compassionate person.
I relate to the hurt and anguish on so many levels that I actually empathize also.
I just want my life to have meaning to me again.
I don't even know if this explains much but I tried.
It's not easy for me (or anyone, I guess).
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Dee-nah
06-18-2007, 10:11 PM
I think you did a beautiful job = )
hergy
06-18-2007, 10:14 PM
Therapy showed me that I hurt just like I love; very deeply.
When I face myself in this "confused state" , when my issues become too real for my own good, I leave the scene.
...I provide advice because I am a caring, giving, compassionate person.
I relate to the hurt and anguish on so many levels that I actually empathize also.
I just want my life to have meaning to me again.
FTM,
Things you once had a passion for are 'greek' to you now because you have, in your mind, 'left the scene' to protect yourself.
You ARE a caring, giving, compassionate person. But the best car needs fuel to show everyone what it can do. If you need support, then let it be given. Let the people you have come to care about on this board give something to YOU.
You do empathize, that I can tell. There's nothing wrong with that. But we empathize as well. Let us do that. Maintain your openness. Your life has meaning. Relax in the arms of people who want to help and you'll remember what that meaning is.
Love,
Nikki
When I face myself in this "confused state" , when my issues become too real for my own good, I leave the scene.
...I provide advice because I am a caring, giving, compassionate person.
I relate to the hurt and anguish on so many levels that I actually empathize also.
I just want my life to have meaning to me again.
FTM,
Things you once had a passion for are 'greek' to you now because you have, in your mind, 'left the scene' to protect yourself.
You ARE a caring, giving, compassionate person. But the best car needs fuel to show everyone what it can do. If you need support, then let it be given. Let the people you have come to care about on this board give something to YOU.
You do empathize, that I can tell. There's nothing wrong with that. But we empathize as well. Let us do that. Maintain your openness. Your life has meaning. Relax in the arms of people who want to help and you'll remember what that meaning is.
Love,
Nikki
hergy
06-18-2007, 10:17 PM
FTM,
I see that you're logged on and I'd like to stay. You've opened up in such a significant way.
My parents' computer room is serving as sleeping quarters for three kids and their mom wants to tuck them in.
Talk later.
You're words were open, honest and are sending you down a healing path. You're doing more for yourself than you think.
Love,
Nikki
I see that you're logged on and I'd like to stay. You've opened up in such a significant way.
My parents' computer room is serving as sleeping quarters for three kids and their mom wants to tuck them in.
Talk later.
You're words were open, honest and are sending you down a healing path. You're doing more for yourself than you think.
Love,
Nikki
Phoenix
06-18-2007, 10:44 PM
I think you did a beautiful job = )
Thank you Deenah:
Now that I have shared, I guess it is only right for me to stay around..........
but it won't be easy; by any means.
Take care
God Bless
FTM or Ryan (whichever you prefer)
Thank you Deenah:
Now that I have shared, I guess it is only right for me to stay around..........
but it won't be easy; by any means.
Take care
God Bless
FTM or Ryan (whichever you prefer)
Dee-nah
06-18-2007, 10:50 PM
I'm going to need you so you better not go to far!!! My church is sending me information...
I like Ryan, by the way!
I like Ryan, by the way!
Phoenix
06-18-2007, 10:56 PM
Then Ryan it is :)
I am moved that there is some action with regards to the church.
I am not going anywhere..........
I am staying.
Take care
God Bless
Ryan
I am moved that there is some action with regards to the church.
I am not going anywhere..........
I am staying.
Take care
God Bless
Ryan
Phoenix
06-18-2007, 11:02 PM
FTM,
Things you once had a passion for are 'greek' to you now because you have, in your mind, 'left the scene' to protect yourself.
You ARE a caring, giving, compassionate person. But the best car needs fuel to show everyone what it can do. If you need support, then let it be given. Let the people you have come to care about on this board give something to YOU.
You do empathize, that I can tell. There's nothing wrong with that. But we empathize as well. Let us do that. Maintain your openness. Your life has meaning. Relax in the arms of people who want to help and you'll remember what that meaning is.
Love,
Nikki
Thanks Nikki,
I felt that if I shared; I mean really shared; that others would see my sincerity.
I feel exposed but am not running or hiding any more.
Take care Love.
Ryan
Things you once had a passion for are 'greek' to you now because you have, in your mind, 'left the scene' to protect yourself.
You ARE a caring, giving, compassionate person. But the best car needs fuel to show everyone what it can do. If you need support, then let it be given. Let the people you have come to care about on this board give something to YOU.
You do empathize, that I can tell. There's nothing wrong with that. But we empathize as well. Let us do that. Maintain your openness. Your life has meaning. Relax in the arms of people who want to help and you'll remember what that meaning is.
Love,
Nikki
Thanks Nikki,
I felt that if I shared; I mean really shared; that others would see my sincerity.
I feel exposed but am not running or hiding any more.
Take care Love.
Ryan
Lost-in-Time
06-19-2007, 02:34 AM
Forthemasses,
I'm a bit lost as to what is going on here. I've read and reread but think I have missed something somewhere that would open my eyes to what is really happening here.
I just wanted to thank you for being one of the first ones to talk to me here. You were the first one (maybe the only one to share to the extent that you did) about some things very personal to you. I have not heard you mention those things on here again, so I wonder if others know or if I am an honored one that got to share a bit of your heart. I DO feel honored that you shared with me the things that you did. So, I must admit that you are one of the few that I have straight in my mind about who you are. I get names and situations all mixed up until I have some really personal contact that makes them stick out in my mind. Because you shared something so personal, I feel now like I know you better than anyone else here and that I respect and look up to you and always look to see if you have replied to my posts.
Okay, I think I"m rambling now....the sleep meds are kicking in......I guess Ijust wanted you to know that I appreciate you and think about your situation and pray for you....
Right?? You did share with me didn't you????? In the beginning when I was hating myself (one of the many times in the beginnning that I was hating myself).
Glad to see you here. I need you to take care of yourself so you can keep helping me ....
:)
I think I'm going to fall alsspp..if this makes sense.....okay...if not..forgive me
I'm a bit lost as to what is going on here. I've read and reread but think I have missed something somewhere that would open my eyes to what is really happening here.
I just wanted to thank you for being one of the first ones to talk to me here. You were the first one (maybe the only one to share to the extent that you did) about some things very personal to you. I have not heard you mention those things on here again, so I wonder if others know or if I am an honored one that got to share a bit of your heart. I DO feel honored that you shared with me the things that you did. So, I must admit that you are one of the few that I have straight in my mind about who you are. I get names and situations all mixed up until I have some really personal contact that makes them stick out in my mind. Because you shared something so personal, I feel now like I know you better than anyone else here and that I respect and look up to you and always look to see if you have replied to my posts.
Okay, I think I"m rambling now....the sleep meds are kicking in......I guess Ijust wanted you to know that I appreciate you and think about your situation and pray for you....
Right?? You did share with me didn't you????? In the beginning when I was hating myself (one of the many times in the beginnning that I was hating myself).
Glad to see you here. I need you to take care of yourself so you can keep helping me ....
:)
I think I'm going to fall alsspp..if this makes sense.....okay...if not..forgive me
stick2013
06-19-2007, 06:16 AM
FTM,
Let me share a little bit of me.... I too was at a point in my life where things were happening that were out of control, and out of my control. The more I screamed that it wasn't right, the more NUTS I became about it.
I broke up with this guy(actually he was a troll living under a bridge) he wouldn't stop doing and saying things about me that were not true. He would tell people that I went to his house when he wasn't there and banged on his windows to scare his mother. He told people that I was stalking him. He told people that I parked my car at the hospital all weekend so that he couldn't go there to see his mother when she was admitted because I HAD SCARED HER to the point she needed to be admitted( I had a restraining order on him to stay away from me)
There were so many more things that he did and said that I can't even go in to it without getting a little upset. Anyway......I LOST FRIENDS over this, I LOST JOBS over this, I LOST RESPECT over this. ALL because I was being driven NUTS by a whacko.....Who was telling people untrue things and lying about me.
This went on for weeks and weeks and weeks... I finally lost it, and ended up in the ward. I learned then that others can do or say what they want. I can't change that... BUT...... I CAN CHANGE the way that I REACT to it....I refuse to get upset, and act like a NUT CASE over something that someone says about me that isn't true... WHY should I... The TRUTH ALWAYS comes out in the end... Years after this episode... The people that had snubbed me, talked about me, and sided with the troll, came to me later and apologized for their behavior. I excepted it, and moved on. I am not friends with these people, and I also refuse to hold a grudge. It takes too much energy to do that.
Please stop and look at your behavior lately. You are out of control. YOU CAN'T stop what will happen, what others say or do. BUT you can change how you react to it. FTM...... YOU NEED TO LET THIS GO and what happens, happens..........
Sid
Let me share a little bit of me.... I too was at a point in my life where things were happening that were out of control, and out of my control. The more I screamed that it wasn't right, the more NUTS I became about it.
I broke up with this guy(actually he was a troll living under a bridge) he wouldn't stop doing and saying things about me that were not true. He would tell people that I went to his house when he wasn't there and banged on his windows to scare his mother. He told people that I was stalking him. He told people that I parked my car at the hospital all weekend so that he couldn't go there to see his mother when she was admitted because I HAD SCARED HER to the point she needed to be admitted( I had a restraining order on him to stay away from me)
There were so many more things that he did and said that I can't even go in to it without getting a little upset. Anyway......I LOST FRIENDS over this, I LOST JOBS over this, I LOST RESPECT over this. ALL because I was being driven NUTS by a whacko.....Who was telling people untrue things and lying about me.
This went on for weeks and weeks and weeks... I finally lost it, and ended up in the ward. I learned then that others can do or say what they want. I can't change that... BUT...... I CAN CHANGE the way that I REACT to it....I refuse to get upset, and act like a NUT CASE over something that someone says about me that isn't true... WHY should I... The TRUTH ALWAYS comes out in the end... Years after this episode... The people that had snubbed me, talked about me, and sided with the troll, came to me later and apologized for their behavior. I excepted it, and moved on. I am not friends with these people, and I also refuse to hold a grudge. It takes too much energy to do that.
Please stop and look at your behavior lately. You are out of control. YOU CAN'T stop what will happen, what others say or do. BUT you can change how you react to it. FTM...... YOU NEED TO LET THIS GO and what happens, happens..........
Sid
ICC
06-19-2007, 08:20 AM
Dear Ryan....... All that has been said here is true. By you and others. Sid is so right in that obsession about controlling others, letting others get into our minds and control us or hurt us or change our way of thinking about ourselves. The nature of PTSD makes us unique in that we all think alike but different from those without it. Ryna, for 20 years I worked and worked. Loved my job. Got a new boss 10 years ago who hated me and turned many against me. He stepped on me, deprived me of what was mine and through it all I kept plugging ahead. Kept trying to prove myself so he would like me or at the least stop picking me as his punching bag. It never happened. I got hur tin the meantime an dbelieve me there are times I sit her enow and am still hurt when I think that my continuing to prove myslef is what got my body in this shape. Through it all my mind cries out that none of this was/is fair to me. NO it isn't. BUT it is as it is. The legal battle of the past year is still not settled and at times I sit with this pain and know why I have it. This has all brought on a major depression at times that is foreign to me as I have never suffered from depression until this happened. I take so much of it and then start on myself about allowing others to ruin my life. Because it is me who have allowed them to hurt me, take advantage of me and there is nothing I can do about those that wore the "mask of friendship" for soooooooo many years only to take it off and kick me when I was down. Ryan , We all need to do what's best for us and accept and deal with what others have done to us and get past it. I know it's hard. I still struggle at times. I don't know how i'll react IF this decision I'm waiting for IS NOT in my behalf. I'm getting really close to the end and it scares me to think I could lose this and those that have caused my injuries will walk away with a smile. It angers me BUT I know there is nothing I can do about it. Having the PTSD under dontrol before I had this surgery and the mounds of pain it brought on was the best thing I could have done for me. Although it is still hard, I would be nowhere if my mind was still running a muck. We all know and lov eyou for who you are. Time you did.
Hugs,
Grasshopper
Hugs,
Grasshopper
Phoenix
06-19-2007, 01:21 PM
Dear all:
The support here makes me feel bashful and that takes me to my core root of existence.
To "see" myself again creates a familiarity that is both inviting yet brings me to the reality that my trust issues are so pervaded that I cannot even find it inside myself to trust the younger, yet less experienced, me.
What have I done here?
I confuse even myself with this one.
The deeper I seem to go, the further away I am from "coming up for air" in a proverbial sense.
I need to dive with some type of "life support unit" and am inviting one and all to respond.
........................................ ........................................ ......................
What i'm trying to say here is that I need, dare I say the word: "HELP."
(to think; i once thought that the rubix cube was complicated):rolleyes:
Take care
God Bless
FTM
(Ryan)
The support here makes me feel bashful and that takes me to my core root of existence.
To "see" myself again creates a familiarity that is both inviting yet brings me to the reality that my trust issues are so pervaded that I cannot even find it inside myself to trust the younger, yet less experienced, me.
What have I done here?
I confuse even myself with this one.
The deeper I seem to go, the further away I am from "coming up for air" in a proverbial sense.
I need to dive with some type of "life support unit" and am inviting one and all to respond.
........................................ ........................................ ......................
What i'm trying to say here is that I need, dare I say the word: "HELP."
(to think; i once thought that the rubix cube was complicated):rolleyes:
Take care
God Bless
FTM
(Ryan)
ICC
06-19-2007, 01:26 PM
Love your wit, Ryan. Ok what is it you need? How about if we start with you seeing things just on the surface and no deeper.
e.g. A pretty baby: is a pretty baby!!! That's it. no more, no less. Don't look and see if the baby is a boy or girl, black or white, chubby or not. Just a baby.
I'll let you take it from here.
Grasshopper
e.g. A pretty baby: is a pretty baby!!! That's it. no more, no less. Don't look and see if the baby is a boy or girl, black or white, chubby or not. Just a baby.
I'll let you take it from here.
Grasshopper
Phoenix
06-19-2007, 02:04 PM
Love your wit, Ryan. Ok what is it you need? How about if we start with you seeing things just on the surface and no deeper.
e.g. A pretty baby: is a pretty baby!!! That's it. no more, no less. Don't look and see if the baby is a boy or girl, black or white, chubby or not. Just a baby.
I'll let you take it from here.
Grasshopper
Dear Grasshopper:
Yes, a pretty baby is a pretty baby but then I think "why is the child crying?"
I explained on a previous thred that I was not allowed to express myself and I stayed "inside" my mind, allowing me to filter my thoughts in writing.
This autistic quality of mines causes information to stay in my head longer than it needs to.
As it stays there, I dissect it down to a subatomic particle.
Traumatic situations are the worst issues that I can have to process.
I literally trap thoughts.
(thoughts go in but they don't come out..........the same way at least).
I am trying to convey how I process information these days.
I hope that these 12 lines say something useful.(there i go again)
Take care
God Bless
Ryan
e.g. A pretty baby: is a pretty baby!!! That's it. no more, no less. Don't look and see if the baby is a boy or girl, black or white, chubby or not. Just a baby.
I'll let you take it from here.
Grasshopper
Dear Grasshopper:
Yes, a pretty baby is a pretty baby but then I think "why is the child crying?"
I explained on a previous thred that I was not allowed to express myself and I stayed "inside" my mind, allowing me to filter my thoughts in writing.
This autistic quality of mines causes information to stay in my head longer than it needs to.
As it stays there, I dissect it down to a subatomic particle.
Traumatic situations are the worst issues that I can have to process.
I literally trap thoughts.
(thoughts go in but they don't come out..........the same way at least).
I am trying to convey how I process information these days.
I hope that these 12 lines say something useful.(there i go again)
Take care
God Bless
Ryan
ICC
06-19-2007, 02:17 PM
Of course they do Ryan. That's why I want to go in a simpler direction with you. We are all very deep at times, you more so than others. I understand holding it in as a child but I am hoping we can break that cycle together. Me being of an overly analytical nature:blob_fire and I know I am has seen how not holding on and digging deeper relieves the issue and clears it out of your mind faster. The baby might be crying but it is the mother's problem right now , not your's. Get where I'm going? I need you to come out and play with me. You pick what you want to play and I'll be here waiting. we need to lighten you up a little before we go deeper. A little at a time with the easiest of issues. This way you're trust issue will get stronger when you see you can deal with letting the little things out. Then we'll start getting to the bigger issues. OK??? I think I know how you process info and want to help you to try to change that to an easier, faster way of processing what goes in. This way it will come out faster. Ryan, believe me I am the "Queen" at holding htings in until they have festered for years. This worked for me. Are you willing to play with the Grasshopper?
:D
:D
Phoenix
06-19-2007, 02:23 PM
Dear Grashopper:
Alright,
I now have my "play clothes" on.
What game?
Alright,
I now have my "play clothes" on.
What game?
ICC
06-19-2007, 02:27 PM
Ok my friend........pick the first thing that comes to your mind. What issue is upper most in the front of your mind. Doesn't have to be something you had buried, just something that is stuck there.
My play clothes are on also:blob_fire :p
My play clothes are on also:blob_fire :p
Phoenix
06-19-2007, 02:32 PM
My pain is the issue, since all pain is relative.......
More specific?
More specific?
ICC
06-19-2007, 02:39 PM
Yes I need you to tell me which pain. I know they all run together after awhile. Physical or mental??? I know both have you down but you need to pick one right now. Let's see if we both pick the same one;)
Grasshopper
Grasshopper
Phoenix
06-19-2007, 02:42 PM
Mental.....
can't really do much with the physical.
can't really do much with the physical.
Phoenix
06-19-2007, 02:49 PM
as the physical does to me
ICC
06-19-2007, 02:52 PM
Ok Ryan, we're on the same page. I found that getting a handle on the mental gave me relief or should I say maybe more strength to deal with the physical. Issues! Are you all jumbled up with hurt from many things? Does one thing stick out in your mind and hurt you more than others? I ask this because when I was trying to get out of my state of mind I had so much going on , so much bottled up hurt and anger I couldn't see the light until I started to work on one thing at a time. You mentioned earlier that you want your life to have meaning again. Is that a biggie right now. Is your relationship or lack of with your Dad the root here?
I'm here:)
I'm here:)
Phoenix
06-19-2007, 02:59 PM
My father angers me and I try to keep it under wraps.
Either he doesn't understand what is truly going on here or he would rather not be bothered.
Either he doesn't understand what is truly going on here or he would rather not be bothered.
ICC
06-19-2007, 03:11 PM
Ryan, your dad angers you??? You do relaize how difficult and destructive it is to have this anger around you constantly????? You are trying your hardest to get well and dig yourself out from deep under the rocks and one of the should be closest people to you is angering you at every turn. Your father is an educated man. I find it hard to believe but not impossible that he doesn't see what's happening with you. I believe he sees it clearly and will not say he doesn't care but as so many of our parents have done he just doesn't want to deal with it. Ryan, this is something you absolutely must deal with in whatever way is best for you. In my case I HAD to walk away because my mother created so much hurt for me that I would have never been right as long as I had contact with her. I understand you have closer and more contact with your dad so walking away might not be possible. Can you treat him more like an outsider? "hello, how are you? I'm fine thank you" and then walk away. Don't tell him your troubles. don't depend on him for anything?? This is something that comes from when you were a child and goes very deep so I really feel this is where we need to start. Vent on me. Tell me how he makes you feel. Made you feel when you were a small boy.
grasshopper
grasshopper
Phoenix
06-19-2007, 03:25 PM
When I was small, dad had no time for his kids (it has recently come to my attention that he was having an affair with a woman for 15 years before my mother passed.
What if my mother knew? what if she harrassed my mother.
What if my father did nothing about it.
I brought home the 95 and was told "where is the 100 ?"
Bring home the 100 and "what happened to extra credit."
What he was raising was an overachiever and his name was Ryan.
Ryan never felt the same as everyone else because he was held to a higher standard than the other kids around him, making him truly feel out of place.
This turned into an eating disorder.
Then brother passed.
He literally left me alone to face things by myself
Then drugs and alcahol (don't partake from either one now).
Then finding a purpose in life.....
Then my mother passing........
Then finally regaining my composure....
Then the damn accident.
All I wanted was some understanding and everything is always about him and his needs.
To the devil with mines.
This game is getting awfully real.
What if my mother knew? what if she harrassed my mother.
What if my father did nothing about it.
I brought home the 95 and was told "where is the 100 ?"
Bring home the 100 and "what happened to extra credit."
What he was raising was an overachiever and his name was Ryan.
Ryan never felt the same as everyone else because he was held to a higher standard than the other kids around him, making him truly feel out of place.
This turned into an eating disorder.
Then brother passed.
He literally left me alone to face things by myself
Then drugs and alcahol (don't partake from either one now).
Then finding a purpose in life.....
Then my mother passing........
Then finally regaining my composure....
Then the damn accident.
All I wanted was some understanding and everything is always about him and his needs.
To the devil with mines.
This game is getting awfully real.
Phoenix
06-19-2007, 03:29 PM
I failed to mention that I was left in a crib from day to night time with no light on.
Shadows terrifying the heck out of me.
Because work was more important than getting me a babysitter.
Shadows terrifying the heck out of me.
Because work was more important than getting me a babysitter.
ICC
06-19-2007, 03:38 PM
it's supposed to at this point. Remember you're not alone. I'm here. Ryan children that are raised by overachiever grow up to be adults that are never happy with themselves. They always have self esteem issues. It comes from trying to please someone else, never being able to, and sometimes hating ourselves because we don't measure up. At least we THINK we don't measure up because that's what we have been taught. So your father never made you feel adequate and in order for you to feel good about yourself you ate, drank, did drugs. None of it took the pain or inadequate feelings away. A fulfilling life. Your daughter, your books, your foundation. So you were capable of getting out from under dad's wrongful thinking and treatment of you at some point in your life. Then the accident. It snet you all the way back. Ryan the accident happend 2 years ago , not when you were a child. You have learned coping skills at some point in your life that you need to use now.
Your brother passing I know makes you feel so alone. I always felt my sister was the only human being who truly understood how we were raised. He didn't abandon you, you know that. It still doesn't take away the pain. Remember how you guided me through the death of a loved one? They are always with us. Maybe your brother and your mother are watching over you and giving you the inspiration to finally, after 2 long years of hell, to go on???
Ryan.....Your father's indiscretion towards your mother is not something any child would be able to just blow off. You must want to lash out at him at times. How cruel, mean and deceitful to a woman you loved dearly. That my friend was between them. Talk to your mother. Tell her you know and how you feel about it. If she knew and it hurt her God has now saved her from that hurt and she would want the same for you.
Sounds to me as if your father is a one-sided, closed minded, selfish man. I'm sorry but that's what I hear. Ryan , how long can you let someone who is so very different from you hurt you. Look at the kind of father you are. Totally different. Give yourself a hug for seeing how hurtful his behaviour was to you and how you became a different type of man and father.
:)
Your brother passing I know makes you feel so alone. I always felt my sister was the only human being who truly understood how we were raised. He didn't abandon you, you know that. It still doesn't take away the pain. Remember how you guided me through the death of a loved one? They are always with us. Maybe your brother and your mother are watching over you and giving you the inspiration to finally, after 2 long years of hell, to go on???
Ryan.....Your father's indiscretion towards your mother is not something any child would be able to just blow off. You must want to lash out at him at times. How cruel, mean and deceitful to a woman you loved dearly. That my friend was between them. Talk to your mother. Tell her you know and how you feel about it. If she knew and it hurt her God has now saved her from that hurt and she would want the same for you.
Sounds to me as if your father is a one-sided, closed minded, selfish man. I'm sorry but that's what I hear. Ryan , how long can you let someone who is so very different from you hurt you. Look at the kind of father you are. Totally different. Give yourself a hug for seeing how hurtful his behaviour was to you and how you became a different type of man and father.
:)
ICC
06-19-2007, 03:47 PM
Ryan....we must have been posting at the same time. I just saw your post about being left in the dark in the crib as a child. Let me tell you this. There is nothing shy of true abuse and negligence that went on here. When I have memories like that I take my
"little girl" self and sit in a corner and cry until I'm cried out. It is just pitiful how any parent could leave a child alone. But that is why we have this idsorder because our parents, another adult, etc. did horrible things like this to us and walked away as if it was nothing. Ryan, Your head is on my shoulder and I am holding on to you for dear life. CRY! and keep crying until you have the hurt out of your heart and soul. This was not your fault. We become adults and for the life of God cannot imagine why we were treated so horribly. Hence our feeling inadequate. You didn't cause this , but only you can put a stop to the horror you remember.:(
"little girl" self and sit in a corner and cry until I'm cried out. It is just pitiful how any parent could leave a child alone. But that is why we have this idsorder because our parents, another adult, etc. did horrible things like this to us and walked away as if it was nothing. Ryan, Your head is on my shoulder and I am holding on to you for dear life. CRY! and keep crying until you have the hurt out of your heart and soul. This was not your fault. We become adults and for the life of God cannot imagine why we were treated so horribly. Hence our feeling inadequate. You didn't cause this , but only you can put a stop to the horror you remember.:(
Phoenix
06-19-2007, 03:48 PM
"Sounds to me as if your father is a one-sided, closed minded, selfish man. I'm sorry but that's what I hear. Ryan , how long can you let someone who is so very different from you hurt you. Look at the kind of father you are. Totally different. Give yourself a hug for seeing how hurtful his behaviour was to you and how you became a different type of man and father."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
That is my father in a nutshell.
I told my daughter a while back that "papa and I do not always see eye to eye."
She is beginning to see the type of person that he is.
I also told her that it is only because of my daughter that I feel there is still a relationship between he and I.
I am different but keep hearing that "all my family feel............with respect to you."
He spreads business like butter to bagel.
I simply don't trust him.
That one hurt but it's true.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
That is my father in a nutshell.
I told my daughter a while back that "papa and I do not always see eye to eye."
She is beginning to see the type of person that he is.
I also told her that it is only because of my daughter that I feel there is still a relationship between he and I.
I am different but keep hearing that "all my family feel............with respect to you."
He spreads business like butter to bagel.
I simply don't trust him.
That one hurt but it's true.
ICC
06-19-2007, 03:54 PM
I'm glad you opened this up to your daughter. Ryan , how old is she? You have multiple reasons to not trust him. Sometimes when we don't trust a parent we carry that over to different areas of our lives. After all our parents of all people should be trust worthy. Not so in most of our cases. Sounds like you and your daughter have a wonderful relationship. My daughter's have the same kind of father that I do mother. That has helped us to understand each other. I have nurtured the relationship with all of my daughters and have accepted that my beloved dad is gone and my mother is in her own world that revolves around her. Ryan, you're not alone with this. You need to get ove him. And that's what it is is getting over the love you have/should have for a parent when you accept that they are not worthy of your love. Once you come to terms with this and don't ever expect anything from him but the same as you've always gotten, you will feel a sense of relief and freedom.
:)
:)
Phoenix
06-19-2007, 03:58 PM
Ryan....we must have been posting at the same time. I just saw your post about being left in the dark in the crib as a child. Let me tell you this. There is nothing shy of true abuse and negligence that went on here. When I have memories like that I take my
"little girl" self and sit in a corner and cry until I'm cried out. It is just pitiful how any parent could leave a child alone. But that is why we have this idsorder because our parents, another adult, etc. did horrible things like this to us and walked away as if it was nothing. Ryan, Your head is on my shoulder and I am holding on to you for dear life. CRY! and keep crying until you have the hurt out of your heart and soul. This was not your fault. We become adults and for the life of God cannot imagine why we were treated so horribly. Hence our feeling inadequate. You didn't cause this , but only you can put a stop to the horror you remember.:(
I was reading this post and beginning to cry and who calls but my father.....
AND I PICKED IT UP!?!
I was pretty cold to him though.
Deep down he feels that I don't want to be in his company and when he gets married and stays in the West Indies for half the year- at-a- time that it will be the ultimate vacation for me.
"little girl" self and sit in a corner and cry until I'm cried out. It is just pitiful how any parent could leave a child alone. But that is why we have this idsorder because our parents, another adult, etc. did horrible things like this to us and walked away as if it was nothing. Ryan, Your head is on my shoulder and I am holding on to you for dear life. CRY! and keep crying until you have the hurt out of your heart and soul. This was not your fault. We become adults and for the life of God cannot imagine why we were treated so horribly. Hence our feeling inadequate. You didn't cause this , but only you can put a stop to the horror you remember.:(
I was reading this post and beginning to cry and who calls but my father.....
AND I PICKED IT UP!?!
I was pretty cold to him though.
Deep down he feels that I don't want to be in his company and when he gets married and stays in the West Indies for half the year- at-a- time that it will be the ultimate vacation for me.
hergy
06-19-2007, 04:00 PM
Thanks Nikki,
I felt that if I shared; I mean really shared; that others would see my sincerity.
I feel exposed but am not running or hiding any more.
I know I'm behind now but I posted a reply to this post last night but healthboards went down or something.
Ryan,
I just want you to know that sharing the way you are is scary, but it will help you so much. You'll gain a new control over your own since of well-being that will be a refreshing sensation.
I'm glad you're not running. I like you here.
I'm glad you're talking it out right now. I won't interrupt, I just wanted to let you know I want to help, too.:)
(Ugh! Now there's a 3-year-old asking me questions about the smilies:rolleyes:. I wish this family would go home!:mad:.)[/I]
Talk later. Keep talking. You've made a beautiful breakthrough.
Love,
Nikki
I felt that if I shared; I mean really shared; that others would see my sincerity.
I feel exposed but am not running or hiding any more.
I know I'm behind now but I posted a reply to this post last night but healthboards went down or something.
Ryan,
I just want you to know that sharing the way you are is scary, but it will help you so much. You'll gain a new control over your own since of well-being that will be a refreshing sensation.
I'm glad you're not running. I like you here.
I'm glad you're talking it out right now. I won't interrupt, I just wanted to let you know I want to help, too.:)
(Ugh! Now there's a 3-year-old asking me questions about the smilies:rolleyes:. I wish this family would go home!:mad:.)[/I]
Talk later. Keep talking. You've made a beautiful breakthrough.
Love,
Nikki
ICC
06-19-2007, 04:08 PM
And you picked it up ????? I used to do the same thing with my mother and then wold get sooooooooo angry at myself because maybe i was having a good day and then of course she said something to hurt me. I now NEVER answer the phone without glasses on and the caller id being checked out first.
Ryan, is he right? Is it obvious you don't want to be in his company???? Would you like to be if things were different??? CAN you forgive him and have some sort of relationship with him OR would it be better for you to have that ultimate vacation for 6 months a year. Think about it. CRY somemore if need be. I'll be back shortly. Need to do some ice. DIDn't do it after PT. Won't be long
:)
Ryan, is he right? Is it obvious you don't want to be in his company???? Would you like to be if things were different??? CAN you forgive him and have some sort of relationship with him OR would it be better for you to have that ultimate vacation for 6 months a year. Think about it. CRY somemore if need be. I'll be back shortly. Need to do some ice. DIDn't do it after PT. Won't be long
:)
Phoenix
06-19-2007, 04:13 PM
I'm glad you opened this up to your daughter. Ryan , how old is she? You have multiple reasons to not trust him. Sometimes when we don't trust a parent we carry that over to different areas of our lives. After all our parents of all people should be trust worthy. Not so in most of our cases. Sounds like you and your daughter have a wonderful relationship. My daughter's have the same kind of father that I do mother. That has helped us to understand each other. I have nurtured the relationship with all of my daughters and have accepted that my beloved dad is gone and my mother is in her own world that revolves around her. Ryan, you're not alone with this. You need to get ove him. And that's what it is is getting over the love you have/should have for a parent when you accept that they are not worthy of your love. Once you come to terms with this and don't ever expect anything from him but the same as you've always gotten, you will feel a sense of relief and freedom.
:)
I'm in tears because this has truly helped.
Thanks for taking the time out to play this game with me.
I am truly blessed to have people like you in my corner.
(Thank You Lord)
I need some time to let this settle but am not going to run any more.
Believe that!
Take care
God Bless
Ryan
:)
I'm in tears because this has truly helped.
Thanks for taking the time out to play this game with me.
I am truly blessed to have people like you in my corner.
(Thank You Lord)
I need some time to let this settle but am not going to run any more.
Believe that!
Take care
God Bless
Ryan
Phoenix
06-19-2007, 04:17 PM
And you picked it up ????? I used to do the same thing with my mother and then wold get sooooooooo angry at myself because maybe i was having a good day and then of course she said something to hurt me. I now NEVER answer the phone without glasses on and the caller id being checked out first.
Ryan, is he right? Is it obvious you don't want to be in his company???? Would you like to be if things were different??? CAN you forgive him and have some sort of relationship with him OR would it be better for you to have that ultimate vacation for 6 months a year. Think about it. CRY somemore if need be. I'll be back shortly. Need to do some ice. DIDn't do it after PT. Won't be long
:)
I will have to answer that later for I have an errand to run (not for my father though).
"And thus she was named Grasshopper."
Take care
God Bless
Ryan
Ryan, is he right? Is it obvious you don't want to be in his company???? Would you like to be if things were different??? CAN you forgive him and have some sort of relationship with him OR would it be better for you to have that ultimate vacation for 6 months a year. Think about it. CRY somemore if need be. I'll be back shortly. Need to do some ice. DIDn't do it after PT. Won't be long
:)
I will have to answer that later for I have an errand to run (not for my father though).
"And thus she was named Grasshopper."
Take care
God Bless
Ryan
Sannah
06-19-2007, 04:39 PM
All I wanted was some understanding and everything is always about him and his needs.
Ryan, I think this says a lot. I am so glad that you are bringing your needs here finally! I will leave you and ICC to your work...
Ryan, I think this says a lot. I am so glad that you are bringing your needs here finally! I will leave you and ICC to your work...
ICC
06-19-2007, 05:03 PM
Ryan....I will catch up with you. I am so glad our playing together was beneficial. We'll keep it up as long as necessary and you are comfortable. Be well my friend. You have alot to absorb.
Peace,
Grasshopper
Peace,
Grasshopper
Phoenix
06-19-2007, 08:32 PM
And you picked it up ????? I used to do the same thing with my mother and then wold get sooooooooo angry at myself because maybe i was having a good day and then of course she said something to hurt me. I now NEVER answer the phone without glasses on and the caller id being checked out first.
Ryan, is he right? Is it obvious you don't want to be in his company???? Would you like to be if things were different??? CAN you forgive him and have some sort of relationship with him OR would it be better for you to have that ultimate vacation for 6 months a year. Think about it. CRY somemore if need be. I'll be back shortly. Need to do some ice. DIDn't do it after PT. Won't be long
:)
Dear Grasshopper:
There is definitely irreparable damage that has happened over the years.
As he realizes that I don't need him, I see an uncomfortability in him.
You see, he's a control freak.
He was running the largest geriatric center in the U.S. and seems to treat everyone like an employee.
I believe that the six months will provide him with enough time to get acquainted with his wife and give me just enough breathing room to "stretch my arms" so to speak.
I envision him as a lonely person as he gets older.
He has no idea how mean his own family is when they mention him.
Can I forgive; the answer remains wrapped inside of me.
Do I want to: under my own terms.
I always felt that I put both of my parents through so much and would never be able to repay them for all the good they did for me.
I now realize that it was the negative situations that dictated my actions.
I no longer feel obligated............I feel liberated.
Thank you again,
Grasshopper
I hope that you are feeling a bit better after icing.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Ryan, is he right? Is it obvious you don't want to be in his company???? Would you like to be if things were different??? CAN you forgive him and have some sort of relationship with him OR would it be better for you to have that ultimate vacation for 6 months a year. Think about it. CRY somemore if need be. I'll be back shortly. Need to do some ice. DIDn't do it after PT. Won't be long
:)
Dear Grasshopper:
There is definitely irreparable damage that has happened over the years.
As he realizes that I don't need him, I see an uncomfortability in him.
You see, he's a control freak.
He was running the largest geriatric center in the U.S. and seems to treat everyone like an employee.
I believe that the six months will provide him with enough time to get acquainted with his wife and give me just enough breathing room to "stretch my arms" so to speak.
I envision him as a lonely person as he gets older.
He has no idea how mean his own family is when they mention him.
Can I forgive; the answer remains wrapped inside of me.
Do I want to: under my own terms.
I always felt that I put both of my parents through so much and would never be able to repay them for all the good they did for me.
I now realize that it was the negative situations that dictated my actions.
I no longer feel obligated............I feel liberated.
Thank you again,
Grasshopper
I hope that you are feeling a bit better after icing.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
stick2013
06-19-2007, 09:11 PM
FTM & ICC,
I just wanted to say that it does my heart good to see 2 grown people playing in the mud and muck.....So enjoy yourselves, get as dirty as you want. Throw mud, sling it hard, and at times just build mud huts... When your done, take a shower, (or a bower) and join back in... Until then enjoy...Just remember......DON'T PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTHS!!!!!!!!!
Love you,
Sid
I just wanted to say that it does my heart good to see 2 grown people playing in the mud and muck.....So enjoy yourselves, get as dirty as you want. Throw mud, sling it hard, and at times just build mud huts... When your done, take a shower, (or a bower) and join back in... Until then enjoy...Just remember......DON'T PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTHS!!!!!!!!!
Love you,
Sid
Phoenix
06-19-2007, 09:16 PM
Love you too, Sid.:)
stick2013
06-19-2007, 09:20 PM
I know you do....Sometimes it just takes us longer to open up to the possibility of that... How do we care for people that we have never met???? I don't know, but I do know that my last thought of the day is on the people here. My first thought of the day is "OH CRAP, I WONDER WHO GOT IN TROUBLE OVERNIGHT."
LOL!!!!!!!!! So go and have a MUD FIGHT with ICC in the morning will ya!!!!!
LOL!!!!!!!!! So go and have a MUD FIGHT with ICC in the morning will ya!!!!!
Phoenix
06-20-2007, 04:45 AM
Sid:
Before I begin "playing" again, might I say this.
We all come to the table with issues of sensitive natures.
The mere fact that one person thinks their issue pales in comparison to another shows a compassionate side that cannot be denied.
I believe that if a person stays long enough that it is quite easy to be emotionally attached to the nature of their issues and since the person and their issues are one in the same, we create a mental picture in our minds of that person.
I guess that is why we have the curiousity within us to ask questions pertaining to a persons religion, horoscope sign, state they live in and so on.
We "reach" because deep down, we are all connected.
I feel with both my heart and mind and we are all doing that here, to varying degrees (that's my take anyway).
Before I begin "playing" again, might I say this.
We all come to the table with issues of sensitive natures.
The mere fact that one person thinks their issue pales in comparison to another shows a compassionate side that cannot be denied.
I believe that if a person stays long enough that it is quite easy to be emotionally attached to the nature of their issues and since the person and their issues are one in the same, we create a mental picture in our minds of that person.
I guess that is why we have the curiousity within us to ask questions pertaining to a persons religion, horoscope sign, state they live in and so on.
We "reach" because deep down, we are all connected.
I feel with both my heart and mind and we are all doing that here, to varying degrees (that's my take anyway).
Phoenix
06-20-2007, 05:03 AM
Grasshopper:
I forgot to mention yesterday that my daughter is 15 years old.
Yesterday afternoon I was running a few errands with her and pulled off after making a complete stop at the designated sign.
Low and behold, a driver runs the stop sign and if I didn't put on the brakes the rear passenger side door would have been crushed...................
and my daughter was leaning against the door at the time.
I must admit that I truly lost my composure for a while for oh, so many reasons.
My daughter thought that I should calm down but it was easier said than done.
Damn those flashbacks; invading my sleep and thought patterns.............
guess i'll chalk it up to another night of "insomniac theater."
I forgot to mention yesterday that my daughter is 15 years old.
Yesterday afternoon I was running a few errands with her and pulled off after making a complete stop at the designated sign.
Low and behold, a driver runs the stop sign and if I didn't put on the brakes the rear passenger side door would have been crushed...................
and my daughter was leaning against the door at the time.
I must admit that I truly lost my composure for a while for oh, so many reasons.
My daughter thought that I should calm down but it was easier said than done.
Damn those flashbacks; invading my sleep and thought patterns.............
guess i'll chalk it up to another night of "insomniac theater."
ICC
06-20-2007, 08:10 AM
Good morning Ryan and all who have contributed. Were you able to sleep INSPIGHT of the flashbacks???? What a horrible thing to have happened to both of you. Your daughter is good for you. She seemed to understand your upset and fear but was still able to be in control and try to help you calm down.
Please explain what you mean by forgiving your father on "your terms". Doesn't sound like forgiveness to me for if we forgive , we forgive. with no motives or rules to the forgiveness. Ryan people like your dad, who treat all like thier employees, very rarely see outside the box. The are all business. Don't know how to show or felll love expecially to their families. Hence his indescretion.You say you feel you owe your parens for all they did. Now you realize it was negative. RIGHT! you were pushed to do it all someone else's way, never yours. Now you need to become who Ryan is and not who others thought Ryan should be. Can we do that? Please read Sid's post in this thread to you again. Absorb her words . They are so very true and insightful. I'll be here if you want to play somemore.
How do you feel after our game yesterday?
Grasshopper;)
Please explain what you mean by forgiving your father on "your terms". Doesn't sound like forgiveness to me for if we forgive , we forgive. with no motives or rules to the forgiveness. Ryan people like your dad, who treat all like thier employees, very rarely see outside the box. The are all business. Don't know how to show or felll love expecially to their families. Hence his indescretion.You say you feel you owe your parens for all they did. Now you realize it was negative. RIGHT! you were pushed to do it all someone else's way, never yours. Now you need to become who Ryan is and not who others thought Ryan should be. Can we do that? Please read Sid's post in this thread to you again. Absorb her words . They are so very true and insightful. I'll be here if you want to play somemore.
How do you feel after our game yesterday?
Grasshopper;)
Phoenix
06-20-2007, 08:44 AM
Dear Grasshopper:
"The game" was a much needed exercise for me.
I stay so much in my own thoughts and now realize that I am my own worst enemy.
To forgive my father completely means that I would have to forgive him for everything that has transpired.
I want to but come to the reality that this is a tall order indeed.
Here's an example:
This morning my father calls to wish my daughter(whoa,i didn't say his grandaughter) good luck on her regents exam and finds the need to overly stress the fact of the exam.
I could see that my daughter was beginning to get a bit frustrated so I said "Dad!" and I guess that he heard me over the phone and proceeded to stop.
We get on the phone and there he goes with his "you know that you need to work on your projects" and I said to him I will work on them but things take time and I don't want to rush anything.
Every time I want to forgive him, his irritating demeanor gives me second thoughts.
The reason why he tries to pressure me because his fiance's daughter is a CFO of a large hospital in England and is rapidly rising through the ranks.
He wants me to prosper not for me but for himself.
It bothers me to say this but if he doesn't change his view towards me(which at this point is highly unlikely) he is going to lose me forever.
What is sad is that he knows that we have our occasional "quarrel" and I always come back....................
One day I won't turn back.
He already projects me being successful and being able to provide him with financial assistance.
Tenants have physically assaulted me and he did nothing.
I told him about the constant aroma of drugs in the hallway(he knows my past) once again nothing.
Then I told him about the potential accident and he said that he couldn't bear to hear the possibilities.
He seems to be pre-programmed.
He extends no hand but to let me ride my deceased mother's car(which is in his name) and a cell phone(his name also).
I really don't know about "total forgiveness."
He is a poisonous mixture and I am tired of drinking.......................
I have metaphorically stopped drinking.
"The game" was a much needed exercise for me.
I stay so much in my own thoughts and now realize that I am my own worst enemy.
To forgive my father completely means that I would have to forgive him for everything that has transpired.
I want to but come to the reality that this is a tall order indeed.
Here's an example:
This morning my father calls to wish my daughter(whoa,i didn't say his grandaughter) good luck on her regents exam and finds the need to overly stress the fact of the exam.
I could see that my daughter was beginning to get a bit frustrated so I said "Dad!" and I guess that he heard me over the phone and proceeded to stop.
We get on the phone and there he goes with his "you know that you need to work on your projects" and I said to him I will work on them but things take time and I don't want to rush anything.
Every time I want to forgive him, his irritating demeanor gives me second thoughts.
The reason why he tries to pressure me because his fiance's daughter is a CFO of a large hospital in England and is rapidly rising through the ranks.
He wants me to prosper not for me but for himself.
It bothers me to say this but if he doesn't change his view towards me(which at this point is highly unlikely) he is going to lose me forever.
What is sad is that he knows that we have our occasional "quarrel" and I always come back....................
One day I won't turn back.
He already projects me being successful and being able to provide him with financial assistance.
Tenants have physically assaulted me and he did nothing.
I told him about the constant aroma of drugs in the hallway(he knows my past) once again nothing.
Then I told him about the potential accident and he said that he couldn't bear to hear the possibilities.
He seems to be pre-programmed.
He extends no hand but to let me ride my deceased mother's car(which is in his name) and a cell phone(his name also).
I really don't know about "total forgiveness."
He is a poisonous mixture and I am tired of drinking.......................
I have metaphorically stopped drinking.
Phoenix
06-20-2007, 08:46 AM
I have to get ready for mass and will return later........
Hey! I didn't delete my posts from yesterday........
that is progress.
Hey! I didn't delete my posts from yesterday........
that is progress.
ICC
06-20-2007, 08:49 AM
Absolutely my friend! Progress is a good thing. Your father sounds like my mother's twin brother.
Grasshopper
Grasshopper
sammy68uk
06-20-2007, 09:41 AM
FTM / Ryan,
I’ve been reading this with interest, and I’m not going to wade in at this late stage when you’ve been so ably assisted by your play-mate ! I really wish you success in dealing with some of your issues.
I also have a tendency to over-think on some of my problems. I remember a session with a counsellor where I told him that I wanted to run away and be on my own. He asked me why, and I told him that I wanted to think about my problems without interruptions. His response to that was to ask whether after all this time thinking about them whether I would actually come up with any new solutions. He hit the nail on the head. I’d just let the thoughts roll round and round inside my head, overwhelming me with no escape, and constantly digging deeper to try and find one.
He suggested a technique to me for such occasions. Break the chain by focussing on something in the hear and now, like how I can feel the back of my chair against my back, or my feet on the floor. Anything that breaks the chain of thought… Once you’ve done that, think of something that makes you feel happy. Anything you remember.
Also, the feelings you have about your father sound like they would be something that might respond well to a therapy called EFT. If you can find a good practitioner in your area, it might really help let got all the negative feelings you hold. It’s worked very well for me...
Anyway, That’s enough from me... hang in there. When all else fails, remember your most crowning achievement to date... You’ve been a good father and looked after your daughter alone for all this time... There is NO greater measure of a man’s success than how he treats and nurtures his children. After all, they are our real legacy... Not money, property, companies etc...
Mark.
I’ve been reading this with interest, and I’m not going to wade in at this late stage when you’ve been so ably assisted by your play-mate ! I really wish you success in dealing with some of your issues.
I also have a tendency to over-think on some of my problems. I remember a session with a counsellor where I told him that I wanted to run away and be on my own. He asked me why, and I told him that I wanted to think about my problems without interruptions. His response to that was to ask whether after all this time thinking about them whether I would actually come up with any new solutions. He hit the nail on the head. I’d just let the thoughts roll round and round inside my head, overwhelming me with no escape, and constantly digging deeper to try and find one.
He suggested a technique to me for such occasions. Break the chain by focussing on something in the hear and now, like how I can feel the back of my chair against my back, or my feet on the floor. Anything that breaks the chain of thought… Once you’ve done that, think of something that makes you feel happy. Anything you remember.
Also, the feelings you have about your father sound like they would be something that might respond well to a therapy called EFT. If you can find a good practitioner in your area, it might really help let got all the negative feelings you hold. It’s worked very well for me...
Anyway, That’s enough from me... hang in there. When all else fails, remember your most crowning achievement to date... You’ve been a good father and looked after your daughter alone for all this time... There is NO greater measure of a man’s success than how he treats and nurtures his children. After all, they are our real legacy... Not money, property, companies etc...
Mark.
Phoenix
06-20-2007, 09:48 AM
Mark:
You stepped up to the plate at the right moment.:)
I really needed to read your post.
EFT.........I will definitely look into the possibility.
My daughter means the world to me; thanks for the kind words.
Take care
God Bless
Ryan
You stepped up to the plate at the right moment.:)
I really needed to read your post.
EFT.........I will definitely look into the possibility.
My daughter means the world to me; thanks for the kind words.
Take care
God Bless
Ryan
Phoenix
06-20-2007, 10:06 AM
Absolutely my friend! Progress is a good thing. Your father sounds like my mother's twin brother.
Grasshopper
As I was doing my own version of "Cane Mutiny" (me relying on a cane .......) :) towards the church, I noticed something:
My father, who reads the first and second reading in church and is President of his parish council, was cheating on my mother while representing himself in another manner.
This person I was supposed to look up to; supposed to be my role model, fails to practice what he preaches.
I am supposed to pattern my life after his?
Reality bites me like a pit bull.
but I must remember that this is the way HE chooses to live HIS life.
If the Lord Himself can forgive my father's transgressions, then so can I.
The part of forgetting is another story, which will always keep me at arms length.
To think:
He would tell my mother(God Bless) that the car note had to be paid and she gave him X amount on a monthly basis, only to find out years later that he was asking for twice the amount of the payment.
She would be off on every other weekend and he would never be around......
and then he tells me that I played a part in my mother's demise, through heartache.
The many phone calls I would receive of her crying from loneliness but not having enough courage to leave him.
THANK YOU LORD FOR TAKING MY MOTHER BACK HOME..........HE TRULY DIDN'T DESERVE HER.
and now the tears must fall........(mines)
Grasshopper
As I was doing my own version of "Cane Mutiny" (me relying on a cane .......) :) towards the church, I noticed something:
My father, who reads the first and second reading in church and is President of his parish council, was cheating on my mother while representing himself in another manner.
This person I was supposed to look up to; supposed to be my role model, fails to practice what he preaches.
I am supposed to pattern my life after his?
Reality bites me like a pit bull.
but I must remember that this is the way HE chooses to live HIS life.
If the Lord Himself can forgive my father's transgressions, then so can I.
The part of forgetting is another story, which will always keep me at arms length.
To think:
He would tell my mother(God Bless) that the car note had to be paid and she gave him X amount on a monthly basis, only to find out years later that he was asking for twice the amount of the payment.
She would be off on every other weekend and he would never be around......
and then he tells me that I played a part in my mother's demise, through heartache.
The many phone calls I would receive of her crying from loneliness but not having enough courage to leave him.
THANK YOU LORD FOR TAKING MY MOTHER BACK HOME..........HE TRULY DIDN'T DESERVE HER.
and now the tears must fall........(mines)
ICC
06-20-2007, 01:39 PM
Ryan,,,you cry and cry until you get it all out. THEN you need to be in the present. You cannot change the person your father is or what he has done to you and your mother BUT you can start from this day forward and not allow it to hinder your life nad your daughter's any longer. Forgive him if you feel you must BUT that doesn't mean you have to go back for more. Sad isn't it that we think we are the weak ones until we really look at those who have brought us here and amazingly we are the strong ones. Your father doesn't sound like a very nice man, so I really beleive it's time you went on. Do whatever you wish as far as he goes. Forgive him, don't forgive him. Have contact/don't have contact. I think you have answered alot of your own issues in your own words. He really isn't worth your broken heart any longer. Don't give him that power any more. He has been given enough. Live and Love for you and your daughter. Let the past and old ways go and start fresh as a grown man with his OWN ideals and morals. God bless you.
Grasshopper
Grasshopper
Phoenix
06-20-2007, 02:16 PM
Dear Grasshopper:
I need to explain my statement
"THANK YOU LORD FOR TAKING MY MOTHER BACK HOME..........HE TRULY DIDN'T DESERVE HER."
My mother had severe carpal tunnel syndrome and several months before her death, you could see the pain on her face.
She even moan and cried in her sleep(something I have never seen in my life).
She turned to alcahol because of loneliness and the fact that she never got over being raped by one of her family members(she literally took this secret on whom it was, to the grave with her).
My father never tried to help her but when she passed was ready to hoard all of her posessions; even giving her jewelry to his female companions.
........................................ ........................................ ........................
Enough of that-----------------
Now it's time to live in the "here and now."
I never knew what that really encompassed when Sid told me that early on...
I'm moving onward and upward from now on............
with caution though.
Take care
God Bless
Ryan
I need to explain my statement
"THANK YOU LORD FOR TAKING MY MOTHER BACK HOME..........HE TRULY DIDN'T DESERVE HER."
My mother had severe carpal tunnel syndrome and several months before her death, you could see the pain on her face.
She even moan and cried in her sleep(something I have never seen in my life).
She turned to alcahol because of loneliness and the fact that she never got over being raped by one of her family members(she literally took this secret on whom it was, to the grave with her).
My father never tried to help her but when she passed was ready to hoard all of her posessions; even giving her jewelry to his female companions.
........................................ ........................................ ........................
Enough of that-----------------
Now it's time to live in the "here and now."
I never knew what that really encompassed when Sid told me that early on...
I'm moving onward and upward from now on............
with caution though.
Take care
God Bless
Ryan
stick2013
06-20-2007, 04:15 PM
FTM,
Mark said something to you that I have wanted to say before, but didn't quite know how. You do focus on a problem...the whys, how's, what ifs, and the whole problem itself.....But in doing that, you forget to come up with the solution to fix it. How do you stop it? How do I not let it happen again? How do I effectively put up a boundary? How do I move forward? How do I ???????????????????????
Mark is also right about being in the here and now. Something I preach about on this board all the time..... SMELL something, TOUCH things, FEEL things... Do what it takes to bring your mind to the here and now. DON'T let your mind wander to the what ifs, or to disassociate, or to have flashbacks. YOU can control all of that with PRACTICE of teaching yourself to stay in the here and now.....
Hugs,
Sid
Mark said something to you that I have wanted to say before, but didn't quite know how. You do focus on a problem...the whys, how's, what ifs, and the whole problem itself.....But in doing that, you forget to come up with the solution to fix it. How do you stop it? How do I not let it happen again? How do I effectively put up a boundary? How do I move forward? How do I ???????????????????????
Mark is also right about being in the here and now. Something I preach about on this board all the time..... SMELL something, TOUCH things, FEEL things... Do what it takes to bring your mind to the here and now. DON'T let your mind wander to the what ifs, or to disassociate, or to have flashbacks. YOU can control all of that with PRACTICE of teaching yourself to stay in the here and now.....
Hugs,
Sid
beka6
06-20-2007, 05:07 PM
That's good advice, Sid...