Hi Dee-Nah! I just stole one of your quotes from another post and was intrigued
"I'm sorry to say but no I don't remember anything if I'm maniac while fighting or doing something extreme!!! When someone tells me what happens I won't deny it... I know what I'm capable of!" Dee-Nah.

I believe you have read some of my posts and know a little about me (other than my spelling issues) Anyway I find it very interesting to read your words here because my probably soon to be x wife also says she doesn't remember the things she has said and done to me over that last year. I don't believe her, I felt it was a cop out so she wouldn't have to face what she had done. I guess maybe I should re-think my position. I'm still not excusing her behaviour, but maybe I should be more understanding of what she may remember and may not?
she also doesn't deny it, but at the same time doesn't believe she was capable of such things and is not sure if she sould believe me.
I'm not just talking about the small stuff like putting me down, but big life changing events is it possible while Manic to just loose a year of your life and not remember much? maybe it is easier for her not to remember like a defense mech. she blocks it out. I wish I could

I have mastered 2 things Black Outs and Disassociation, I rarly remember how I get from work to home, I'm always in the clouds, day dreaming (this is disassociation)!

The most I've ever blocked was probably 2 weeks, I mean I was fully functional but I don't remember my actions. When I'm all worked up I have no recollection of what I say or do and like I said in that sentence, I know what I'm capable of...

The blacking out for long periods of time are before medications. I have been in situations where I say things and I honestly don't remember saying it. Impluses play a HUGE part in this, you don't want to act a certain way but the impluse is just to hard to handle so you do it , then you get the reprocussions from it so now you are even more depressed about what you did THEN you try and explain yourself, the person doesn't believe , you can't, you stumble over your words you feel like an idoit now you are even more depressed... the person is sick of you and walks away ignore you... now your even more depressed... and so on and so on

It's too much, is my only answer and we black out....

frightning! I don't know, she (my wife) doesn't seem able to put the last year and a 1/2 into a time line She was with another guy for 9 months and lie'n about it, ignored me and my family while my dad was sick and died, left the kids to live with me after initially taking them from me (for no reason) buying a new car losing 2 jobs bieing admitted to a hospital for 2 weeks going to FLA with me (while messing around with other guy) getting rid of our home, and asking me for a divorce the day my dad passed away. There was alot more crazyness that went on too but you get the idea.
Now when I ask her about some of these events all I get is "I don't remember" "I don't know"
she even went as far as to say she wouldn't even recognize the other guy if she saw him because she cant remember anything about him. uh huh... she was seeing him for almost a year I find that one really hard to believe.
I want to understand it's just so hard to believe that some one could block out such major long term events.

I think what is difficult for me that all these events deeply hurt me and if she can't remember saying and doing what she did then I guess she can't validate my feelings of hurt. I have to just accept that my desperate questions can never be answered and how can she appologize for something she is not sure really happened:dizzy:
My dr. told me that for my relationship to work I have to let go of everything she did in the past 1 year and 1/2 never mention it and treat her as though we just today. Way easier said than done! He also said I should look at the relationship as exciting?????????? ya know every day is different with her. Hmmmmmm..... I can deal with the mood swings and anger, depression, but the rest I cant handle

I'm no tdoc or pdoc but not remembering a guy that you where seeing for a year is a bit too far.. I can see her not remembering the itimacy, the feelings being attract to him, etc, that could be possible.

how could you not remember the itimacy? that's the part I would find hard to belive. but I guess I look at it differently. I don't really think she wanted that but it was necesarry (spelling ) to keep him around. But to block that part out? I wish I could. those are the images I stuggle with day to day. She just doesn't think about it. Maybe I'm messed up

Dee-Nah thank you for your prospective

You can't believe it because your having problems forgetting it, ya know.. But yeah, I can truly believe that happening.

True! I do tend to be living in the past, but scared of history repeating it's self in the future Do you think people with bp are better able to control them selves after that first major episode or are all bets off when that person becomes manic regardless of past experiences that wrecked their lives? Is that a fair question?

Sure it's a fair question.. I think when we deal with it we become "aware" of it but it's all in how you handle it... What I mean is meds, tdoc, pdoc... If she is not participating in these 3 things the likely hood of it coming back is high, IMO...

Hi distroyed,

WOW, I would say that what your doc said you need to do is an ideal and farfetched possibility. I mean, really, let's be realistic. Illness or not, she completely betrayed and HURT you and your children. For most people, this wouldn't be so easy to just forget, move on and never mention it again. MAYBE...if you two were able to have counseling, work it out somehow, etc...etc..., at the very least I would think the only acceptable thing would be for her to be 150% committed to managing and controlling the BP moving forward by seeing a pdoc AND finding the right medications. You can see from most of the posts on here that most of the relationships where there is no medication are not working. And the people who struggle with BP are seriously committed to WANTING to be well.

How can your wife forget about ditching her family for a yearlong relationship?

NO, you are not messed up. You are having normal emotions, including the anger.

4support

Hi distroyed,

Was your wife using drugs or drinking quite a bit during the time she was with the other guy?

My son has very little recollection of his senior year in college and the following 9 months, prior to being properly medicated. Luckily he didn't engage in any terribly regrettable behavior during this time. He was smoking pot almost every day in an attempt to control his mood swings and he has a black-out of that entire period.

Your wife probably has no memory of some things and is blocking others, perhaps sub-consciously. If you are to try to make your marriage work, I think you do have to pick up the pieces starting today, and move forward. You will probably never forget but the memories will grow dim as you go forward...but both people have to want this for it to even be a possibility...and I'm not sure that's the case.

take care ~
xxxTsohl

no she wasn't on drugs other than all the different things her Dr. was throwing at her. and she wasn't drinking she hardly ever drinks.
I can say that her diag b4 was clinical depression. I think that right around the time this all began she had started a new med probably an anti depressant. which I have herd can spin people with bp into mania. Thing is she never showed any signs of bp though I had never even herd of bp b4 this.
I have known her for 12 years during this time she has gone to therapy off and on but I never thought anything of it.

I did notice one thing during all this, her dr had her on Clonzepham (spelling) for a time and that made her real BP. and the worse she got the more they upped the dose. they kept telling her it was an adjustment period.

I found out after all this that she has been in therapy since she was early teens.
she has always told me she doesn't emember anything about her child hood
doesn't remember being a kid and thinks that something real bad must have happened to her to cause her not to remember. her parents say no.

when she was diag with bp I figured she would be ok because they would get her on the right meds but after a breakdown and a short hospital stay it was determined that she was over medicated and told to find a new med dr. OK so now she has a new med dr. and her new diag is depression w/anxiety and back on an anti depressant. without a mood stabe. Gee I wonder if she has told the new dr. the whole story. I bet not

anyway back to the not remembering stuff I definatly think she is able to block things out. But why block out the affair why would that be traumatic for her? nobody forced her, she did it own, and it went on for a long time. infact she once said it was an incrediable rush
I'm guessing it was fueling her mania. ???
ya know what really bugs me! This other guy is 22 years older than my wife and on his second marriage. I have never seen him but sources say he is not attractive. My wife is very attractive. This guy got to play with my wife for 10 months! it desrtoyed my life and my kids lives when it ended he went back to his wife, his BMW his big house with hot tub and no kids. this clown had a year long fantasy with my wife at my and the kids expense and it had no consequences for him! life is good for some. I understand that he hurt my wife too, but she put herself in that position, maybe it began because she was manic, but should I believe that she was in mania for a year? that at some point she didn't stop heself and say, what am I doing. she says that she never thought about the consequences. and that the other guy was telling her she deserved better in life???? I think she was painting a bad pic of me because for some reason I became the enemy which I see happens with bp and the non bp spouse. For a while I believed that it was a combo of BP and the wrong meds.
when it ended with the other guy, suddenly I wasn't the enemy and she was broken and talking about how bad she screwed up, that i did nothing wrong and that i didn't deserve any of this that's also when all the "I don't remember" started.

Wow! blah blah ramble ramble sorry

Well, I can see why you don't feel very confidant about the future. It seems to me you still don't really have a firm diagnosis and certainly not the right meds in place. It is doubtful that she is leveling with the new pdoc and they cannot read minds. If she leaves half the story out, the pdoc will not automatically be able to fill in the blanks.

You are very correct in what you said about antidepressants bringing on an episode of mania in a bipolar individual who is not stabilized. The fact that she is back on antidepressants with a diagnosis of depression would make me very nervous, given her past track record.

I would assume she has blocked out memories of the affair because she is ashamed of her behavior, or perhaps she's ashamed that it didn't work out. I guess there is no way of knowing for sure. She sounds like she is very confused and very damaged.

What is going on now? Are you living together and trying to make the marriage work or is she still ambivalent?

I think you are correct I think she is ashamed of her behaviour. At the time it began she clearly wasn't right and I think that this other guy saw weakness and took advantage of it, no excuse for her but I have herd her say she feels dirty,and that she cant believe she "fell for it" like she was tricked or something. it's just so messed up because this guy is almost her fathers age (-5 years) I wonder what he was telling her.
We are not living together at the moment she is living at her parents and I got a place with the kids. she desperatly wants to work things out, but she is also back and forth mentaly. she would show up at my door crying and I would let her stay and then 3 days later she would leave again. no reason. this happened several times.
there are just so many things I want to know but if I ask her she gets defensive.
I have herd that with BP and after a major episode like this the person becomes selfish and tend only to their needs. like a defence mech. they are not capable of tending to other peopls feelings because they are so consumed with their own. she does seem a little "simpler" like she lost some IQ points, not many but a couple, I'm not trying to be mean, maybe it's the meds. everything now has to be a routine and if the routine gets messed up she is all flustered

with thinking she is selfish I wonder is she really sad that she hurt me and the kids or is she sad that she got hurt by the other guy. I just want to know if she is sincere. For the longest time she didn't give a damn about me and then all of the sudden she is checking my cell phone always asking where i am going or who I'm with. It's like now she is afraid of getting hurt by me. like if she saw me with another girl she would get verry mad and accuse me of cheating on her and I would be a jerk in her mind.
it's like she erased everything she did in her head.

how could you not remember the itimacy? that's the part I would find hard to belive. but I guess I look at it differently. I don't really think she wanted that but it was necesarry (spelling ) to keep him around. But to block that part out? I wish I could. those are the images I stuggle with day to day. She just doesn't think about it. Maybe I'm messed up

Dee-Nah thank you for your prospective

I don't think she remembers it as you think she would because it meant nothing to her. She has some problems and is not fully functioning cognitively as you or I would be. JMHO. (((HUGS)))

Hi destroyed, I read your thread...I can't imagen going through what you have. I recently broke up with my ex who is Bp/bhs (I think that’s right Bipolar borderline homicidal suicidal) anyway; I had her in my house when she was going through a full-blown mania, which was like going through hell. My ex was very aggressive to the point were I know if I wasn't careful with my words to her she could snap and kill me.

However, she is in jail now...and I was wondering the same things you are. How much will she remember? And will she see how much she has hurt and betrayed me, or will she just be so selfish that she will blame me for what ever happened to her.... the forever victim. In my case it doesn't really matter, I’m done with her and we have no kids so my tied to her is easily broken. except for the deep love I still have for her...but that will pass...hopefully sooner then later.

I hope for you and your kids she will find her balance soon... It sound like your a strong and very responsible man that deservers a break!!!! Keep thinking positive and good luck

Lucky Thank you it's just so hard to believe that someone can be functional and just have such incredible memory loss I wonder if she is just trying to protect my feelings.

Dutches, Thank you also for your kind words! Yes I am still waiting for that break. I have been following you story it's very sad. as far asyour ex remembering, earlier in this thread Dee-Nah commented that when she is totaly manic she doesn't remember much if anything. I know it's frustrating because you remember every little detail of hurt and it will never be fully acknowledged by her. I dont know if it ever comes back. maybe in cloudy bit and peices. like when you go out and get wrecked and have some gaps about what you did that night. I think that if and when your ex gets on meds and begins to stabalize then you will see a 180 turn and she will see what she has done in the big picture and be remorseful, but it can take years to find the right combo of meds. has she crashed from her mania yet? when she does you'll see the remorseful side. I know with my wife there is a breif period of stable rational mood when going from mania to bad depression, but only like 3 days. of only she could stay in that even period forever. thats when she is sorry and caring and great with the kids.

Well, I don't want to sound like a pessimist...But 3 days isn't very long, is it?!...Smile. I really give you prop's for keeping the family together!!!!

As for my ex, i've seen her a bit manic in the past when she drank alcohol but this was the first time I had seen her in a real mania... off of her meds!(or anyone in that matter) Before I could see her crash she was put in jail. There they put her back on her meds, a combo that worked ok for her in the past.

For some reason I think even though she's on her meds she won't feel any remorse. I think she fell out of love with me a while back and didn't know how to handle her emotions so she choice to escape into a mania. Then again, I have no idea how she feels or what she’s thinking!!!! Something tells me It's best I don't know, I think she sees me as the enemy and I really don't want all that drama back in my life...I feel like I have aged 10 years during the two weeks she was here in a mania. All I know at this point is, if she wants me back she is going to have to fight for it, and she is going to have to show that she is willing to stand on her own two feet, take responsibilaty for her mental illness and change her attitude! But, I don't see that happening.... Yes, I'm sad about it but I know I have to take a stand!

Wow, didn't mean to poor out my heart here.... sorry. I wish for you and your kids a nice holiday during the summer...maybe this is wrong what I’m about to say, however, have you ever thought about giving your wife some tough love.... I mean don't make it to easy for her to walk in and out whenever she pleases? That must be so hard on you and the kids. Anyway, just wondering if it would be good to let her know what she has and make her acknowledge that she could lose it if she doesn't pull herself together...but what do I know about handeling mentally ill people!!!

Dutches, ("Wow, didn't mean to poor out my heart here.... sorry)
POOR AWAY! That's why we are all here. well that and to understand. I understand how you feel. I think in the past year I have been through every emmotion there is. Twice! 3 times! maybe more!
she will feel remorse even if she did fall out of love with you which I doubt is true she is human. Don't forget, people with BP hurt the ones they love the most, and I think 99.9% of the time it is un-intentional (spelling) It's a self destructive illness. what you said about her seeing you as the enemy is right on the money infact my wife even said at one point " I don't know why but you became the enemy i looked at you and felt rage and when I herd you voice i got angry i don't know why you did nothing wrong" wifey.
You can get out or you can stay in it's totally up to you. But you have to realize that until the meds kick in you are dealing with a totally irrational person and she is in- capable of seeing thing your way. I can't tell you how many times and how many different angles I tried, it doesn't work! walk away and come back later when she is thinking clearly. Do the absolute hardest thing in the world and give her space. I didn't but I should have. I am confident that when the meds start to work she will come back to you

Ok, I will poor out my heart... I don't know if I want her to come back at this point! Yes, I do still love her, however just her coming back wouldn't be good enough for me! She would have to work to get my trust back. Also, I would need for her to proof to herself and me that she will make a real change for the better, concerning her illness, I know it takes time but she needs to admit she needs therapy.

I know if she came back, it will be hard for me to say no, cause I'm one of those people that always tries to look at the good in other…(which is starting to annoy me, cause I'm always the one that seems to be getting hurt!)

However, I know if I make it easy for her she won't do the work and won't respect my boundaries and I don't need her wearing me out till I feel like a empty old basked case!!! If you know what I mean... I do have compassion for her illness; otherwise I wouldn't have gone looking for info about her illness and wouldn't be here. But I realized I can’t just focus on her illness and feel sorry for her. Before seeing her Illness I see her as a person who needs to be responsible!!! If I don't do that I'm only ambling her to act like a victim and she is far from that! She maybe challenged but she’s a very smart and talented person. I know I must sound like an *** hole but I’m not, I’m just protecting myself.

With all that say, I don’t think she will come back cause I dout she will feel any remorse. So like I said before, I don’t think I have to worry about her trying to manipulate me so she can step back into my life. I do miss her and I really love being with her but, I just don't want to be the victim of my own emotions. She either gets it together or she can keep walking!!!

Well, I guess I needed to say all that for myself!! thanks for letting me vent to you! As much as I expect her to be strong so should I....am I right or wrong...what do you think?

Dutches, your thinking is correct, you can not be wrong when expressing your feelings, they are your feelings! I was exactley where you are now a few months ago. thing is you sound alot like me and I think our pesonalitys are verry similar (spelling? i suck) you are sooooooooooo! mad at what she did but at the same time what she did made no sense so, it is very hard if not impossible to let go. am I wrong? I could say just walk away and get off this board and don't look back, but then I would be a hipicrit (spelling sorry I think you know what I mean) because after what I've been through I'm still here. I think when you really get to know a person in your heart and trust that person you let your guard down you are totally vulnrable (spelling, I know poeple are laughing i need spell check)
you knew her and trusted that she wouldn't hurt you, but she did! If she is BP then I believe it was not on purpose, she is in a different reality. It's weird but you are hurting because of your expectations. I'll explane because I know you just said ***. open mind please. we expect things from our partner and when those expectations fall short we are angry and we are sad. At the moment she is incapable of meeting your expectations, not because she doesn't want to but because of the storm raging in her head. You expect her to be remorseful, and she should be, and will be someday as you expect but she is not well upstairs and can not be at the moment.
You seem verry Sweet and caring. you wouldn't be her if you wern't
She is caught in "The Perfect Strom" If you love her you need to be her light house. She is desperatly trying to swim to you, but just when she gets close she gets swept away again! Just keep you light shining bright so she has something to swim to.
I have seen how nasty and uncaring someone with bp can get, (no affense intended to my dear friends here with bp)but it does change. Just a week ago my wife said " I hate you" twice! then 2 days later she was trying to sleep with me. (I'm so weak) You just have to ride the rollercoaster. If you want to. You are in control of your own future. I know it's impossible to hold on and impossible to let go. so what do we do?

I don't think i Helped any did I? lets go have a drink



Dutches, thank you for venting! keep venting! it's the road to recovery.

*I think when you really get to know a person in your heart and trust that person you let your guard down you are totally vulnerable*

distroyed, that’s the problem! I don't feel like I know her anymore and I do not trust her at this point.... I mean all my friends want me to move cause they are afraid she will come looking for me to harm me.... physically!!!

I know you read my story, do you remember reading the part that she said
“I don’t have a problem bashing your skull against the wall and watching your blood run down all over”

I don't know if a normal bipolar person would say something like that to their lover!
(....LOL.....”A normal Bp person”,.... were did that come from?!)...Ok, that took me a min.

Anyway, the fact that's she is borderline homicidal, does make a different to me. She didn't tell me she was diagnosed homicidal. I just found that out a couple of weeks ago! I don't know how manic you've seen your wife get...but my ex, in her mania, was caring a hand made weapon, a letter opener that she had filled down into a sharp knife, the reason she used a letter opener was incase she got arrested with it. She was threatening to hurt people with it. She never actually hurt anyone but I'm pretty sure if you pushed her right buttons she would!

I don't know but in her case, If I'm her lighthouse I should expect a pirate ship with the scull and a couple of angry and hungry pirates that will destroy me once they made it safely to shore!! I'm not going to play the mortarrer (spellin?). So I do need to let go, just because I love her that doesn't mean she has power over my life or my happiness!!! The love has to go flow both ways. Isn't there an old saying> Just because you love someone, doesn't make it right to be with them< Yes, it's hard and I do need all my strength to let her go but I figure, getting over her now is probably easier then going through a nother episod of the last few weeks mutiplade over the next few years. In your case with your wife it's different. You guys are married and have kid! You already came to a point were you knew this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with!!! Okay things don't always go as planed but there is a certain amount of trust and commitment there. In my cause, we loved each other for a while and one must have fell out of love before we could come to that point.... And that’s ok...! It hurts but better now then later. Just for the record cause I’m venting, I'm not saying you can't have a happy ever after with a bp person. I’m saying there are good people and very troubled souls.I would date someone that is bp again. I enjoy being around people that aren't totally mentally sane all the time. I guess that's because I'm ADD and need to be mentally stimulated, I love the excitement to a degree. I'll find someone else that can bring drama to my life in a more uplifting positive way.... But for now I feel the need to be on my own for a while... let my soull rest and focuse on me. I'm still on this board cause I do want to understand more about bp since I've bin with her plus I feel I can talk to people about how I feel since I'm not completly done with my feeling for her. And I want to read know about other peoples drama, so I know i'm doing the right thing.

Maybe I’m wrong and all that I saw of her in the past few weeks is really just her mental illness, and who she really is, is the sweet person I met a year ago…. Then the question still remains… do I want to take the risk and go through this again one day....?! I'm thinking... only....If I knew...she would be 110% committed to working handeling her illness! Well, I guess I had some word that needed some air..smile... thanks distroyed!

distroyed, Your were right!!!! I am angry!!! i'm angry cause i'm afraid and hurt, afraid I will never get that from her what I really want!!! If i'm the enemy now she will hurt me more with her words or with just moving on.. if she feels no remorse that will divested me . I never thought she "could" make me feel this way! I think.... I thought I was the one in control all the time!!! what to do? but be strong and get her out of my system before she hurts me more..???!!!

Hi Dutches, I understnd you anger. I to am angry. But again you are mad mostley because you expect her to be norman and feel remorse for what she did you expect her to acknowledge your feeling and what she did. Unfortunatly in her current state of reality she see's thing different and to her it is real even though everone else can see it's not. She is imbalanced and manic and until she crashes you will get no appology or feelings from her.
is she out of jail?
is she getting help?

She's still in jail, her court date is this coming wdnday...we will see if she get's out! If she does I don't know what her mentall state is at right now, if she's still mad she won't get help\support. If she realizes....???? I hope so for her.

how are you doing? Any new updates in your relationship?

i'm ok, thank you for asking. at this point my wife is fairly normal and wants to work things out. she is verry remorsful about what she did. My problem is at this point I'm not sure where I'm at there was just so much damage done and I feel she ows me something but I don't know what. I don't know how she could help restore my self esteem, my ego and how could I ever trust her again. I just don't know because before I had no choice she was making all the life changing decisions i could do nothing to stop it! god know I tried. Now she is just in front of me (so to speak) hurt and scared and waiting for me to open my arms, as I did so many times when she fell into depression and came running back. I just don't think I can do it again. I don't think I can be happy always haunted by what she did to me. I just don't know and its aweful not knowing what you want and knowing that what ever I deside will effect my babies for the rest of there lives

yeah, that is a hard one.... Cause any decision you make will affect your children. The question is, what would be better for them in the long run?

Do you feel there is anything different about her coming back this time? I mean, do you truly feel she is going to try and make it work this time around? ( apart from her feeling and expressing her remorse) does she have anything else to offer YOU?

dutches my friend you ask a difficult question. She is sorry about what she did. it's very obvious. does she have anything extra to offer? we were/are married I dont think she can offer anything she already hasn't. I am thinking that you are like me and want pay back. what is acceptibale payment is the question. I don't know! I don't want to hurt any more, but she cant take it back. no one can. it happened! wether she ment it or not wether she remembers it or not it still happened! and I remember. just wonder how far my compassion will go.

[does she have anything else to offer YOU?[/QUOTE]


“Pay back” would indicate that she owes you for your emotional investment…. I’m sure we all have an unconscious; emotional bank account, were we hold track of how much we give and receive. However, it’s our chose to invest into a situation \ relationship knowing there might not be a very high return. One could do it out of an act of compassion, passion\unconditional love, blind hope, a codependency, naivety or even guilt…etc. What ever it is, it our own investment and we have to live with it.

What I meant was, is she offering you a commitment to going to therapy on a regular basic or anything that will help you to build trust in her.I'm sure it's not easy, you also have your two babies to think about.

Sorry,I forgot, is she on medication? If so, they don’t sound like they are keeping her very steady.

Love is tricky though, sometimes it's hard to see "WHY" we do the things we do....! At least for me it is:)


Hope your having a nice weekend:wave:

... my probably soon to be x wife also says she doesn't remember the things she has said and done to me over that last year. I don't believe her, I felt it was a cop out so she wouldn't have to face what she had done. I guess maybe I should re-think my position.

Distroyed, I jsut wanted to say, I am mostly stable, now, but I only read the first post here, so far and just wanted to add my 2 cents, I feel this same way when I am manic (far and few between now - I am on seroquel and find to be a miracle!) before this I really did not remember things. Maybe that will encourage you. I will finish reading now,... just had to say this before it went out of my head, like normal!

:D hang in there kiddo!

Distroyed and Dutches, you both have very sad stories

Dutches - I have no idea what to say to you as I cannot relate to someone like that. For me, I agree with Deenah - I have black outs and forget things afterward, but there have been some violent times, but I would never really hurt anyone. I always do feel very much remorse, when I was manic and impluses (that were always BAD) took over.
I do think your friends are right - you need to protect yourself from her. Although I cant relate to how horrible she is being (I am BP II so maybe its a lot different for her considering the other thing)
Either way I think you are doing the right thing, and I think your advice to destroyed about the "tough love" is exactly right!

Distroyed - (ok I finished reading it) and I will say I cant understand why your wife cannot remember a entire year! I did do something similar - I am American and hubby is British so when we got separated It was Across the POnd. I thought we were getting a divorce, so I STUPIDLY and I still hate this - had a fling for 10 mos. I remember a lot but a lot is black. (Maybe because I hate this that is why?)
Anyways I learnt my lesson, even though Hubby was being horrible at the time that did not excuse my behavior. In a very lucky case we have forgiven all and without that we could not have worked. But most important it is only because I realized I did a VERY BAD THING and for 2 years would be always so sorry and crying.
WHat your doc said about starting over to day one? that is Way easier said than done! You are normal with normal feelings that get hurt.

Before I was medicated properly I did some very dumb things. I had to learn to forgive myself as well as recieve my husband's forgiveness. I am totally not excusing this behavior. YOu need to make that line very clear and not let her walk all over you. If you give them an inch they take a mile. I know I did and am sorry for this.
Because I have been there I know that part of it can be black and triggering the mania which can feel good as some sort of high. But that is no excuse to walk over the person you love. Only by some miracle or grace of God are my husband and I doing great today. I know not everyone can have this success story esp because from what you say your wife has done things and not taken responsibility. I do hope things start to look up for you.
If you need any more info or help I am happy to if I can.

Good luck to you both! and keep on staying strong!

Hi Leomiao, I did go through a lot in the past few months, like most people on this board. I'm glad for you that your marriage is going great, it's good to know that some people manage to work things out..! thanks for your thoughts...

Ya that just seems insane... we will have to get to know e/o more then ! D thinks your cool we have a club but you have to be a bad person on here to get in and I dont think we want to risk your being able to come on here!! (Long story!)

If it was like other places online where it was more personal I guess? I guess we would be able to tell you but will have to figure out how , eventually!

Thanks, I am glad too that the marriage is workign out good. Well except he is into online gaming to the exclusion of me and I freakin need attention sometimes ya know?

So when not pms ing (didnt mean that rude just wondering) and not other one having BP mega craziness - is it usually better to be understood then men who play games ? ya knwo the saying about men and boys - the only difference is the kind of toys (usually electronic and expensive - or cars!!)

dont take that the wrong way! I mean it in a nice way but you dont know me yet so you may not know my strange humor that really isnt I guess.
D knows all about it.
:D