sorry i didnt know which board to put this on, but since its connected and i know people on here who are great i felt i could ask here, sorry if its the wrong board.

i was sexually abused as a child. there are many many blanks and just blackness and its all a bit vague. mainly its the emotions that come down on me hard. ive never had a boyfreind and im 19, i just freeze up, i feel nothing for them and i just dont understand-it sounds stupid i know not to understand, but i just dont. if im with someone i convince myself its fine, but i get soo angry i cant be near them.

anyways, ive been reading up trying to find help with abuse forums and all. but the more i read the more i recognise. like the sleep problems ive always had, random nausea for no reason, and perhaps just conicidence i like to think-severe menstrul cramping and abdominal pain. but i dont even really care, im just ready to get on with it as far as i can push myself.

anyways, i also was reading up on how sometimes the body can remember a trauma but the mind forgets. it made something stand out. i want to know if this is just plain arousal and im associating it with dirtyness or it is actually signifcant. i dont know what arounsal feels like or what is normal so if someone could just explain.

sometimes, like when i did stupid things with boys(not sex), but was touched intimatley, or once when my doc just exmained my stomach for burns, i get this horrible feeling down below. its quite painful, not like a sharp pain or anything. it feels like something too big is being forced in, like im to tight for it and my muscles are contracting, it feels like my opening might rip. i never knew what this was, i dont like the feeling. is this my body becoming aroused(yuck-if it is why am i getting arroused by this!). it takes a while to subside and its uncomfortable,i get a horrible wave of emotiions with it, like i might cry, that and extreme anger.

what is this? you know, if it does mean something i think ill be okay with it. i cant remember anyways and if thats the way it is, it isnt causing problems and i can just leave it, im happy to get on with it. id just like to understand if everyone feels this or if im different, so it isnt so scary when it happens and i understand.

im to embaressed to ask my doc or therapist, if its stupid then theres no point and i dont want to appear paranoid. im a bit nervous because im seeing my doc next week about the cramping im having as its very bad and i get sick, if she wants to examine me, she wont be, im not letting her. but id like to make her understand why, i dont want that feeling either as well as the emotions. im not ready for any form of pelvic exam or anything, but i just want to know if this feeling is normal. you know how sometimes it can be painful. when i think of it, its the same reason i never use tampons, thats what it feels like. i hate to be so visual but has anyone when they were only beginning puberty spent a very long amount of time trying to shuve a tampon in somewhere it shouldnt be going, it hurts and wont fit.

please help, just for peace of mind, ive wanted to know for ages but have been to scared to ask anyone.

any ideas??

xox

look! i'm not going to pretend to have the answers for you because i have no idea why you feel this way. all i know is that you really need to speak to either your doc or therapist. that is what they are there for, if you can't trust them then who can you trust?

good luck
harmony ;)

You need to be open and honest with your therapist about everyone of the details..im sure its related to the sexual abuse..but you can get over it witht he right therapy and meds. dont give up...you are young and have a whole life of boyfriends ahead of you. dont give up you do not have to stay this way..you can get better.

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Pucca -

What you're probably experiencing is a 'body memory'. Basically, it's your body remembering what your mind can't or isn't ready to remember. I, too, was sexually abused for many years as a child. I agree with the other posters that you should talk to your therapist about it. Is he/she trained in childhood abuse issues? If not, it's very important to seek out one that is. Also, feeling numb in a romantic relationship is very common for those of us that have been abused. It's not stupid at all to feel this way. We were hurt badly as children and going numb was our defense mechanism against that hurt. In my situation, being loved meant being hurt. I have intimacy problems with my husband because of what happened to me.

thanks guys, ive been reading up, theres something called vaginimus or something that says what i feel-sexual abuse is related. but kittywitty-does it neccesarily mean intercourse was likely, or is it just my body remembering and associating-i guess i may never know.

my therapist is great, i am at a service based for sexual abuse. im just nervous about mentioning it-it feels disgusting to talk about really.

i have bad bad intimacy problems. my mum hurts me sometimes when she says'why does everyone have a boyfreind and not you-are you a freak or something?'-she doesnt know about the abuse, so i dont blame her. but i feel crap inside because i cant be normal for them, i hate to think if she knew how disappointed she would be, and hurt for me-ill be ok with my freinds and counsellors though, and one day maybe ill tell them when im better :)

xox

It could mean intercourse took place or it might not. I wouldn't really worry about it right now, though, you'll remember when/if you're ready. The important thing is that you're seeking help. Let them help you. It feels uncomfortable to talk about, I know. The people who are really disgusting, though, are the people that did that to you. You are by no means disgusting, and did nothing to deserve what happened to you.

It could mean intercourse took place or it might not. I wouldn't really worry about it right now, though, you'll remember when/if you're ready. The important thing is that you're seeking help. Let them help you. It feels uncomfortable to talk about, I know. The people who are really disgusting, though, are the people that did that to you. You are by no means disgusting, and did nothing to deserve what happened to you.

hi kitty,

i agree. i think this is great advice!!!

Thanks, Dakota. :) It took me years of therapy to get to this point. I'm still struggling, but I'm much better than I was.

Kerry, you found the correct term. I read over on the PTSD board this topic being discussed.