Dee-nah
06-19-2007, 07:29 AM
How are you???
Sponsor
Dutches
06-19-2007, 12:57 PM
Were are you?.....kidding! Hope all is well with you.
marshmallow
06-19-2007, 02:17 PM
Hey , Malissa has posted on the thread more harm than good. How's everyone?
Malissa8
06-19-2007, 05:56 PM
Hey everyone, very sweet of you to ask. As Marsh said I had been posting updates in "more harm than good". I had sent Kevin a really sweet card, and that set him off. Saturday night he let me have it. He said he hadn't wanted to be "mean" to me, but he was gonna have to. He said he has "struggled" with me for 3 years and that has left him empty. He made fun of my "theories" that this complete change in him had anything to do with bi-polar, and he said "obviously we can't be friends".... All of that is bad enough if it made any sense at all. But in all honesty everyone, I'll admit when things are bumpy and stuff, but if you could have known the Kevin I have for 3 years, you would see why this person is like a total stranger. He calls it struggling ? He was so full of love and happiness for those 3 years, he told me time and time again how we finally found our soul-mate. That I was the first person who accepted that he had BP and was willing to love him anyway. We never even had a fight before he ended it. Everything was great, and we were at the point of taking things to another level. Now he has made me feel like a complete fool for even thinking it may be the BP, heck I don't know. He has BP, he changed his own meds, he had triggers before this, BP is a mood disorder right? Is it so crazy for me to think it has something to do with his BP, seeing how he changed completely in just a matter of days or weeks? So yeah, I'm not doing very well at all. I just cry alot right now, I try to sleep but even that is hard when I wake up, it hits me all over again.
Thanks for asking guys. It meant alot to see this thread when I came on, I guess I have no place here now, but it gives me strength and helps me understand a few things about Kevin that I had trouble with. Even though "it isn't the BP" according to him.
Thanks for asking guys. It meant alot to see this thread when I came on, I guess I have no place here now, but it gives me strength and helps me understand a few things about Kevin that I had trouble with. Even though "it isn't the BP" according to him.
Dee-nah
06-19-2007, 08:36 PM
I'm sooo sorry! I do know how it feels to love some one when in reality you didn't even know him...
Keep on talking about it, here.. I know some one will learn from it.
Keep on talking about it, here.. I know some one will learn from it.
Malissa8
06-20-2007, 02:58 PM
Yesterday was a day of feeling like I didn't know Kevin, well really that I don't know who Kevin is right now. Today however is a "blame me" day. Today I can't seem to let go of this deep feeling of guilt. I couldn't help it that I had been thru a traumatic event involving a guy, I can't change the fact that I never sought help for that, and it left me deeply depressed and untrusting. He knew all of that, and was wonderful about it, always saying we both had our issues, we would help each other, and I thought we did, but now I feel so guilty for being that way, he made it seem like he was the only one trying for 3 years. I know for a fact we had way more happier times that times of struggle, I just can't believe I never saw a clue that he was struggling or on the verge of ending it with me. I keep thinking, was I that bad? I told him that he and I were very different in one aspect, maybe its his meds he is on, but he said "when Im done Im done" where as I would fight tooth and nail for the person I love, or for something that meant alot to me. I just can't throw something away overnight that meant so much to us both. He always told me his mood stableizers kept him pretty even, maybe that's why he's able to stay unemotioinal thru all of this. I just don't know. I am having such a difficult time grasping how a person can change completely so fast. I was able to accept it better when I could place some blame on the BP, it helped me not carry all the blame, but he keeps saying it isn't the BP, thats all in my head :( The signs were all there though, he started spending more money again, on credit cards, then worrying about it, the sleep patterns, he was always a very sexual person with me, that stopped, the problems at work, he kept saying he just felt really weird, but according to him, me even thinking any of this was about BP is a "theory" I put in my head... is it that crazy a thought for me? Please tell me, most of you have so much more experience than me with BP. Was it so wrong of me to think for a second his BP may a factor for this complete 180?
marshmallow
06-20-2007, 03:05 PM
Malissa check my thread a question on guilt! I got some really really good advice and it can apply to you too I think. Circumstances a little different but guilt is the same. Please read what Rose and Goody wrote about guilt. As for your last question NO NO NO you were not wrong thinking it was his bp.
Malissa8
06-21-2007, 04:18 PM
I had sent kevin a reply to his last email, where he was so mean to me. He was angry with me for holding on, I was so upset yesterday I actually sent him an apology and an explanation on why I hadn't let go... Which kinda makes me mad that I did that, isn't that what people in love do? Anyways, I didn't expect a reply or anything from him, since other than when he got so mean with me, he had cut off contact with me. Well he actually replied, he apologized for having to get mean with me, that he didn't want to do that, then he went on to explain what he meant by saying he "struggled" with me for 3 years. He contradicts himself, when he first shutdown on me, he told me none of it was my fault, that all the blame was on him, now yesterday he is blaming me, he said that I fought him on everything for 3 years, and that has left him tired and empty. So which is it? Am I to blame for all of this, or was it what he said originally, ugh this is so hard. He told me not to say again that he hated me, because that wasn't true, he also pleaded with me to get help with my own depression. I was just surprized to hear anything from him. He also told me that I need people too much :( The thing is, he spent the better part of 3 years making me and wanting me to need him. I do agree with him about one thing, I need some help with my own depression.. I just don't know where to get that help.
Dutches
06-21-2007, 06:07 PM
Hi Malissa, the facts that you still haven’t gotten to the point of …F U! But still keep trying to justify his actions with his illness, does make it sound like your a bit too codependent! A lot of us are but you have to take responsibility for your own happiness at one point. You said he helped you love again... that's great! Maybe that was all he was meant to be in your life...someone who showed you that YOU STIIL CAN LOVE SOMEONE... I know it's hard to let go, and 3 years is a long time, especially if you are a codependent person. However, if there is any chance he will come back to you your only option at this point, that I can see, is to let GO!!! If you keep dwelling with him and yourself on what was in the past and all the things he has said, he will lose all respect for you. Man are hunters don't forget that. Maybe its time to stop being such an easy varnibel bate. You’re not only boring him but also annoying him. As I recall at the beginning of your relationship he had to fight to gain your trust and love...right? Maybe, he's a type of man that needs that challenge in away all the time (but of course he won't admit to that himself)
I don't mean to make you feel bad; just thought it might be good you flip a 380 on him and yourself. With respect care. Dutches
I don't mean to make you feel bad; just thought it might be good you flip a 380 on him and yourself. With respect care. Dutches
Malissa8
06-21-2007, 07:29 PM
Gotta admit, when I first read your reply I cried and had to leave the board, then I took some time, calmed down, came back and read it a couple more times and I must say Dutches you are probably right on the money. I had no idea that all that time being alone, that I could be a codependent person. I didn't realize the 3 years with him I became one. You are right, as painful as it is to admit, I'm gonna have to make myself happy. Your words stung a bit, esp the losing respect, the annoying and boring parts, but I understand why you said it, and I guess you are right.
Dee-nah
06-21-2007, 08:25 PM
She is right and there is nothing wrong with finding out you are co dependent, it would be wrong if you didn't do anything about it.
I think you and I had this talk before ( I think you blast me actually = ) It's a hard thing to accept but it's one of the easiest things to learn from, they have sooo much out there on co dependency!
I think you and I had this talk before ( I think you blast me actually = ) It's a hard thing to accept but it's one of the easiest things to learn from, they have sooo much out there on co dependency!
Malissa8
06-21-2007, 08:36 PM
lol You're right Dee-nah, we did talk about this before, and I took it hard but honestly I reacted without knowing much about it. I'm so sorry if I was rude or anything to you, I'm usually not a rude person at all, its just been a really hard few months and my nerves are on edge. But I think you were right way back, seems to me that if they had a picture beside co-dependency they could have my picture next to it... Should I be ashamed? I didn't realize I was like that. Now I have alot more things to learn about.
Dee-nah
06-21-2007, 09:17 PM
You shouldn't be ashamed at all, he should be ashamed!!! It makes no sense to me that in the beginning of a relationship you have SOOO much in common to have it end 2,3,4 years later not even knowing the person.... I don't get it.
Malissa8
06-21-2007, 09:43 PM
You shouldn't be ashamed at all, he should be ashamed!!! It makes no sense to me that in the beginning of a relationship you have SOOO much in common to have it end 2,3,4 years later not even knowing the person.... I don't get it.
Thank you Dee-nah, I'm so glad you said that. At this point I'm not trusting my feelings, even when in my heart and in my head I know I should be so angry with him. You are right, he should be ashamed, who on earth falls in love with someone, has an incredible 3 years, and knows that in the last 4 months I've lost my Grandmother, I've been dealing with my Dad's illness, my depression and eating disorder, (which had gotten bad, because I wanted to be what I felt Kevin deserved, so I was killing myself to lose weight) thru all that he was my biggest supporter then overnight, he completely changes, and to finally end it completely with me thru an EMAIL!!!??? What kind of man is that?
Thank you Dee-nah, I'm so glad you said that. At this point I'm not trusting my feelings, even when in my heart and in my head I know I should be so angry with him. You are right, he should be ashamed, who on earth falls in love with someone, has an incredible 3 years, and knows that in the last 4 months I've lost my Grandmother, I've been dealing with my Dad's illness, my depression and eating disorder, (which had gotten bad, because I wanted to be what I felt Kevin deserved, so I was killing myself to lose weight) thru all that he was my biggest supporter then overnight, he completely changes, and to finally end it completely with me thru an EMAIL!!!??? What kind of man is that?
Dutches
06-21-2007, 09:48 PM
Hi mallisa, I'm glad you were able to take my words in. It shows great character that you can admit it to yourself!!!! If you really acknowledge it, half of the work is already done!! Not saying the pain is going to go away magically but you have the power NOW! Know that, and that's always were the power of ones happiness should be, with you!
It's time for you to say F... U, cause you did your part and were a very supporting and understanding partner! Realize with all your corks and insecurities, codependences, what ever else… You’re a special and worth fighting for person!!! Once, you find and believe that about yourself so will he and anyone else you meet. So, I truly think that should be your focus , finding things you love about yourself! What makes you so unique and special!!! Smile, hugs , love D
FLIP A 380 :blob_fire
It's time for you to say F... U, cause you did your part and were a very supporting and understanding partner! Realize with all your corks and insecurities, codependences, what ever else… You’re a special and worth fighting for person!!! Once, you find and believe that about yourself so will he and anyone else you meet. So, I truly think that should be your focus , finding things you love about yourself! What makes you so unique and special!!! Smile, hugs , love D
FLIP A 380 :blob_fire
luckygem13
06-21-2007, 10:23 PM
Thank you Dee-nah, I'm so glad you said that. At this point I'm not trusting my feelings, even when in my heart and in my head I know I should be so angry with him. You are right, he should be ashamed, who on earth falls in love with someone, has an incredible 3 years, and knows that in the last 4 months I've lost my Grandmother, I've been dealing with my Dad's illness, my depression and eating disorder, (which had gotten bad, because I wanted to be what I felt Kevin deserved, so I was killing myself to lose weight) thru all that he was my biggest supporter then overnight, he completely changes, and to finally end it completely with me thru an EMAIL!!!??? What kind of man is that?
You were "needy", he couldn't handle that, I would call that emotional immaturity...common in those suffering with Bipolar but it could be anything really. Actually, he sounds a lot like my husband in the early years. Ready to walk out the door over any little thing, while I was left with my head spinning, thinking.....how could this be????
Sounds like he needs to be the "flower" and you need to be the "watering can" and if that "recipe" changes, he's gone. Is that what you want?
Good luck my dear, keep your chin up :angel:
Luckygem
You were "needy", he couldn't handle that, I would call that emotional immaturity...common in those suffering with Bipolar but it could be anything really. Actually, he sounds a lot like my husband in the early years. Ready to walk out the door over any little thing, while I was left with my head spinning, thinking.....how could this be????
Sounds like he needs to be the "flower" and you need to be the "watering can" and if that "recipe" changes, he's gone. Is that what you want?
Good luck my dear, keep your chin up :angel:
Luckygem
Malissa8
06-21-2007, 11:45 PM
I just want to carry you guys with me thruout the day. Your words build me up, helps me feel stronger, like I can really do this! You will never fully know just how much it means to me. Thank you all so much, even the things that aren't easy to hear, it's said in honesty and concern, and it means the world to me. (((HUGS)))
Dee-nah
06-22-2007, 08:08 AM
Please remember that it is said in concern... Sometimes you have to go there in order for something to be heard. I hope when I get myself in a situation you guys will come after me for it. When something is explained in a passive way at times it gets easily dismissed.
Your doing GREAT! Learn from this, if someone doesnt' see that they have a problem and is not being pro active about it walk away... This doesn't have to do with just bipolar it could be with anything because then it will become your problem.
Your doing GREAT! Learn from this, if someone doesnt' see that they have a problem and is not being pro active about it walk away... This doesn't have to do with just bipolar it could be with anything because then it will become your problem.
Malissa8
06-22-2007, 05:44 PM
I know its said out of concern, I know at times I've been a bit too defensive when I've read some things. I guess my feelings and emotions are so hurt and all over the place right now, that I felt I had to justify just how badly I hurt. When the truth of the matter is, whether it was the BP or something else, Kevin was wrong/ is wrong in the way he has handled all of this. I should be pissed, just as I shouldn't be so forgiving, esp when he has closed the door right on my face. I can't justify his actions any longer, or really try to understand them. Because that is dragging me further down. I heard from a friend yesterday, he said the same thing, He kept trying to find excuses for Kevin's actions and he told me that he just couldn't do that any longer. He said when its all said and done, Kevin has handled this all wrong and is the one who will ultimately be the one losing out. And I'm not saying I am without fault, Kevin had to put up with alot of bad stuff the last few months from me. Mainly his concern about my depression and eating disorder. I know it must have been so hard on him, I just had so much on me, I know I caused him concern. But I will say this, he did love me, and was in love with me, so you just don't shut down, and close the door on that person when they are going thru so much. Esp by freakin EMAIL! I still can't believe he did that. Then Saturday he emails me telling me not to say he "hates" me because that isn't true. Awww poor baby, don't wanna make him feel bad do we? ( sorry just venting) Okay back to my point... oh wait, I forgot my point now, lol!!!
But yeah, I want to be strong, happy and independent, and I know I have to do that myself, I can't expect anyone to do that for me. I deserve it, now I just have to put the steps in motion to make it reality.
But yeah, I want to be strong, happy and independent, and I know I have to do that myself, I can't expect anyone to do that for me. I deserve it, now I just have to put the steps in motion to make it reality.
Dutches
06-23-2007, 05:13 AM
I'm soooo happy to hear you talk like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Keep remembering this feeling you have right now and hold on to it cause the mind is a tricky little baster sometimes!smile.
I'm very Sure he did love you, 3 years is a too long of a time for him not to have bin in love with you.
I just remembered something an ex ex boyfriend that wanted to marry me told me, when he broke up with me. He said (cause I was going though a rough emotional time) " Your just a hand full"! Wow... those words hurt me so bad I felt like everything was my fault. Until I realized ( weeks later)... HOLD ON..... A.. HOLE! ....His hands were just not big enough to handle all of my woman hood!!! Cause I always had his back!
Moral of the story... You don't need a partner that can not catch your back when you need him the most! No one can be strong all the time, cause life is a roller coster and if he can't roll with you he should get the F off the ride!!! You can roll on your own and eventually find someone that knows how to roll with you together!!
I'm sure he did good thing for you but an EMAIL!!!!! NO!!!!
P.S: My ex ex ( I found out he's a total momy's boy) is still trying till today to get back with me... he figured out all on his own he lost a good thing...he had some growing up to do!!!
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK MALLISSA!!!!
Keep remembering this feeling you have right now and hold on to it cause the mind is a tricky little baster sometimes!smile.
I'm very Sure he did love you, 3 years is a too long of a time for him not to have bin in love with you.
I just remembered something an ex ex boyfriend that wanted to marry me told me, when he broke up with me. He said (cause I was going though a rough emotional time) " Your just a hand full"! Wow... those words hurt me so bad I felt like everything was my fault. Until I realized ( weeks later)... HOLD ON..... A.. HOLE! ....His hands were just not big enough to handle all of my woman hood!!! Cause I always had his back!
Moral of the story... You don't need a partner that can not catch your back when you need him the most! No one can be strong all the time, cause life is a roller coster and if he can't roll with you he should get the F off the ride!!! You can roll on your own and eventually find someone that knows how to roll with you together!!
I'm sure he did good thing for you but an EMAIL!!!!! NO!!!!
P.S: My ex ex ( I found out he's a total momy's boy) is still trying till today to get back with me... he figured out all on his own he lost a good thing...he had some growing up to do!!!
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK MALLISSA!!!!
Malissa8
06-23-2007, 05:16 PM
:) I'm trying really really hard. I must say, when I read this part of your post
"His hands were just not big enough to handle all of my woman hood!!! Cause I always had his back!
Moral of the story... You don't need a partner that can not catch your back when you need him the most! No one can be strong all the time, cause life is a roller coster and if he can't roll with you he should get the F off the ride!!!"
That just made me smile and it gave me that extra boost I needed today. I am so grateful that you guys actually take the time to help.
"His hands were just not big enough to handle all of my woman hood!!! Cause I always had his back!
Moral of the story... You don't need a partner that can not catch your back when you need him the most! No one can be strong all the time, cause life is a roller coster and if he can't roll with you he should get the F off the ride!!!"
That just made me smile and it gave me that extra boost I needed today. I am so grateful that you guys actually take the time to help.
Dee-nah
06-23-2007, 07:13 PM
Dutches, that was good... It even made me feel good about the ex!
Dutches
06-23-2007, 09:42 PM
good....:cool: