Howdy all! I don't normally ask questions here just sort of see what help I can offer. But I will throw this out and see if anyone has any ideas on the matter. I have been married for ten years and the intimate stuff is well to me just gross. I am about as romantic as a rock and sort of see romance as him cooking rather then cards, flowers, or gifts. I don't even want them. As you can probably imagine the first thing the intimate stuff I fear will kill the delicate nature of our marriage. I have tried to force myself to do it for him and in the end just get disgusted with myself. I know it is not fair to either of us. Any ideas? I thought about putting this in the relationship area instead of here. I probably should have but thought perhaps something with the Bipolar thing might be the reason why I feel like I do. I don't know.
Eme

That is interesting I myself want to be romantic but can't, I don't even kiss while it is happening.....Afterwards I will snuggle but then it's get off me time for bed!

Is that what your talking about?

Hi Eme,

Are we talking about intimacy or sexuality?....two different things really. Have you ever been a very sexual/intimate person with anyone, ever? With your husband, ever? And at what point did medications come on board?...timeline wise in your life and who you were with romantically at that time? Also, I can't remember, are there kids? and how old....pregnancy can definitely throw a wrench in things for a good 2 years! I also know the meds screw this up, but I'd be interested if there was a big change pre and post meds and/or whether there might be something connected to unresolved anger and/or hormone deficiencies reated to age.

God knows I've had my ups and my downs...but the ups are so much fun....until reality slaps me in the face and then I have too much anxiety to relax and enjoy myself and my husband....Ugh, I think too much...that is the problem!



Luvya,



Luckygem

PS Zoloft was a "sexfest" for us, LOL! Read under the post "Possibly Bipolar?" for more info, LOL....If you Dare :)

the way i see it is that when you have depression, bipolar, serious illness etc, then you are more prone to see the cards, flowers and stuff as not the important stuff. it is like you can see them for what they are.

oh, its hard to explain. i guess just seeing the worse in life allows you to see the worth in life.

the fact that a husband can cook a meal in itself is what is romantic. it shows feeling, that he knows what you need. it is what you need more than flowers. maybe once those simple needs are met, then the flowers would become more appealing.

hope this made sense. maybe talking to your husband about this will help.

good luck!
kathryn

Luckygem,

I have been intimate with my husband and my first husband. The meds have been off more then on and they are at a off right now. It is both the sex and just being able to hug someone even friends or family. My mom has pretty much stopped hugging me because it is so uncomfortable for me. I just can't get away fast enough. I can't stand to be kissed either. And sex oh yuckola and it has been that way for a long long time. In the last four years I have had sex with him (hubby) once. I have talked to him about it. He says he is just happy I am there and that the sex isn't important. Right now I am on vacation doing some dog sitting out of state and he has already got a romantic evening planned for when I get back. It is nice of him and yet I feel so panicked at the thought of it. I don't know what to do about it. My son is seventeen and I am unable to have more children. So that isn't a factor that plays in this. I feel little more then an ice cube really. Last time I went for a check up at the docs the hormones they said were fine. So I am not sure of how to desensitize this problem per say.

Eme

Dee-nah,

Nope can't snuggle, cuddle, or even think of anything relating to sex without getting ill. It's the whole nine yards of it. Am I a freak? I sort of feel like it in this particular area.

Eme

Kathryn,

I do see what you are saying about the cards and agree with it a great deal. He still likes doing that stuff and luckily he loves to cook and knows how quirky I am about food. I can't stand the food to touch either. lol So he doesn't let it. It is the little things that are so much more thoughtful to me at least.

We've talked about it and lately before I came to dog sit I saw him attempting to stay away more. Working longer hours, doing things away from me, and I asked if he might be depressed. He said nope in his cheerful way but I see him escaping more and more. I know my lack of being huggy and so forth is a part of it. I want to do better just not sure how to do that.

Eme

Thank you all for just being here. It means a lot. This has bothered me for so long and I even talked to my mom about it. She shrugged and went on with something else. Other people just looked at me odd. I got the dinner that will be coming up when I get back and probably him wanting more then that. Is there a magic pill or potion available that let the evening happen without being sick? lol jk sort of

Eme

just thinking...

what about the reason you cannot have any more children? i know its been 17 years, but i guess it could still be like ptsd.

fear of intimacy? feel broken, undesirable? i don't know. a therapist would be able to help you a lot better obviously.

that is something where your husband can be involved in your therapy and bring y'all closer.

just throwing it out there.

kathryn

Is there a magic pill or potion available that let the evening happen without being sick? lol jk sort of

Eme

Yes, That would be called the "MARTINI", LOL jk sort of :D


Oh, My! Sounds like ya need to relax...God knows I can relate! So you're on zero meds right now? I also have a 17 year old...maybe you are in perimenopause as I am? Or maybe all Mom's of 17 year olds have trouble becoming intimate....I can imagine why that woud be, LOL...Stress! Hmmm, my current meds are Emsam, an antidepressant patch..ZERO sexual side effects...so if you can get up the desire your O gasm won't be affexcted, Uh, sorry if this is TMI. I also take Xanax to relax at bedtime and I drink a little Pinot Grigio (white wine) every night....my P dr is aware of this and has no problem with it.

Luvya Eme :wave:




Luckygem

Lucky, you crack me up! I don't know what it is but you just do. PLEASE the next time I'm down on my luck post me... I get a good laugh from you...

These is with good intentions!!!

Bipolars are sooo emotional immature don't you think.. myself included.

Lucky, you crack me up! I don't know what it is but you just do. PLEASE the next time I'm down on my luck post me... I get a good laugh from you...

These is with good intentions!!!

Bipolars are sooo emotional immature don't you think.. myself included.

Well Dee-nah...ya must have a wild hair :D

My sense of humor has SAVED me throughout this crazy "war zone" that we call life. Not everyone gets my sense of humor. Some are confused by it, some find it disrespectful given the circumstances....but to me it is what has helped me cope throughout it all and I embrace it and do not apologize for it.

Maybe that's why I married a "wild & crazy" bipolar....he gets me, that is priceless!

Luvya,


Luckygem :wave:

I know exactly how it feels. I have no sex drive at all!!!! I wish I did for my husbands sake but it just doesn't happen for me anymore. I used to be able to fake it occasionally but now the I have changed to luvox medication I can't even enjoy sex after a few drinks. In the past I could have a few drinks and sometimes I could enjoy sex but since taking this medication I cannot even get in the mood.

My doctor says in 6 weeks time if the medication is still having the same effect we may have to change it.

I wish there was something we could do to help the situation because at this point I would be happy never to do the deed again. This, of course, is not a happy recipe for marriage!

I know exactly how it feels. I have no sex drive at all!!!! I wish I did for my husbands sake but it just doesn't happen for me anymore. I used to be able to fake it occasionally but now the I have changed to luvox medication I can't even enjoy sex after a few drinks. In the past I could have a few drinks and sometimes I could enjoy sex but since taking this medication I cannot even get in the mood.

My doctor says in 6 weeks time if the medication is still having the same effect we may have to change it.

I wish there was something we could do to help the situation because at this point I would be happy never to do the deed again. This, of course, is not a happy recipe for marriage!

I know I have often thought he would be better off if we divorced. He could find someone who is more passionate and can do what I cannot. I have tried alcohol with little aid. I wish it would get better so very much and at times I do think it is the Bipolar and the whole the brain won't stop stuff. But that might be more coincidence then anything else at this point.

The hubby just smiles and says it's okay not the end of the world. I don't really believe he feels that way. It is an uncomfortable when he asks me to join me in per say our huge garden tub and the look on my face I am sure is priceless in a bad way.

I hope we both can find a few answers other then joining a convent.

Eme

I know I have often thought he would be better off if we divorced. He could find someone who is more passionate and can do what I cannot. I have tried alcohol with little aid. I wish it would get better so very much and at times I do think it is the Bipolar and the whole the brain won't stop stuff. But that might be more coincidence then anything else at this point.

The hubby just smiles and says it's okay not the end of the world. I don't really believe he feels that way. It is an uncomfortable when he asks me to join me in per say our huge garden tub and the look on my face I am sure is priceless in a bad way.

I hope we both can find a few answers other then joining a convent.

Eme

Eme :...Here's a thought from one of the few males on this board. (and proberly the oldest...but that does not "stop" me ;) ).

Do you and your husband both work ? If you do..then might I suggest that your husband cook you both a really great romatic meal on a Friday night. (you seem to respond to his cooking on a positve,somwhat sexual level). Then just sit around after dinner and tell eachother stories..anything that comes to mine..just small talk....no pressure...and have one glass of wine...and smile at each other :)

Go to bed earlier then normal....and say "good night" to eachother ( and mean it). But... know that in the morning ....he will always be "ready". Perhaps you can roll over to him and just be close. Feel Free with yourself. Let yourself be with him by holding him and you holding yourself. If you both feel something together ...then let it happen. If not, try again next Sat. morning...and keep trying each Sat. morning .....:D

Hey.... the convent is not the answer....the answer may well be that ...Sat. Morning ;) ;) ;)

Carry On...and I do mean..Carry On.

maybe it is something subconscious. if so, a therapist could really help you (and your husband!) out.

this is blunt, but wouldn't you worry that he would go find it somewhere else?

sorry, i don't know anything about your marriage. i guess i am just thinking about the alternatives.

i wish you well,
kathryn

[QUOTE=EYESTWO22;3055972]
Go to bed earlier then normal....and say "good night" to eachother ( and mean it). But... know that in the morning ....he will always be "ready".

Oh yes, they're always ready in the morning (standing at attention, :D ), and you don't even have to talk or open your eyes cause you won't be fully awake. Just let your hands and your body do the talking. It's actually less pressure. Don't worry about it being good, just do it. Sex is kinda like sugar for me, you have some and then you want more, it's a cyclical craving kind of thing. If I stay away from sugar, I never crave it...but as soon as I "cave" and eat a dessert, then I want more and more dessert. Does that make any sense?

[QUOTE=EYESTWO22;3055972]
Go to bed earlier then normal....and say "good night" to eachother ( and mean it). But... know that in the morning ....he will always be "ready".

Oh yes, they're always ready in the morning (standing at attention, :D ), and you don't even have to talk or open your eyes cause you won't be fully awake. Just let your hands and your body do the talking. It's actually less pressure. Don't worry about it being good, just do it. Sex is kinda like sugar for me, you have some and then you want more, it's a cyclical craving kind of thing. If I stay away from sugar, I never crave it...but as soon as I "cave" and eat a dessert, then I want more and more dessert. Does that make any sense?

Lucky :

Ya your right....you have the right idea....." and you don't even have to talk or open your EYES cause you won't be fully awake."

Now EME ...do you got it.....;) ;) ;) ;)

You gotta know that EYES and Lucky....have your answers..:D

Carry On,

Eme,
It sounds very much like you have a sensory integration disorder, the not wanting to touch and not wanting your food to touch. It's usually diagnosed in children, but many more adults are not being diagnosed with it now. You might want to check with your doctor. Its usually addressed by an Occupational Therapist who can give you exercises to do to help desensitive you. Do you ever have any problems with clothing? Some people don't like the feel of certain clothes, such as socks with seams.
This is also something seen in people with autism. Remember it is a spectrum disorder and you may have a very mild form of it, just enough to give you social problems like interpersonal relationships.
Just thought I would give you a couple of other ideas about what could be causing the way you feel.

Lisa

hello. hope i didn't sound so mean. i guess i just think it is something that should be taken seriously. and that it is possible to get help.

i do wish you the best,
kathryn

Eme :...Here's a thought from one of the few males on this board. (and proberly the oldest...but that does not "stop" me ;) ).

Do you and your husband both work ? If you do..then might I suggest that your husband cook you both a really great romatic meal on a Friday night. (you seem to respond to his cooking on a positve,somwhat sexual level). Then just sit around after dinner and tell eachother stories..anything that comes to mine..just small talk....no pressure...and have one glass of wine...and smile at each other :)

Go to bed earlier then normal....and say "good night" to eachother ( and mean it). But... know that in the morning ....he will always be "ready". Perhaps you can roll over to him and just be close. Feel Free with yourself. Let yourself be with him by holding him and you holding yourself. If you both feel something together ...then let it happen. If not, try again next Sat. morning...and keep trying each Sat. morning .....:D

Hey.... the convent is not the answer....the answer may well be that ...Sat. Morning ;) ;) ;)

Carry On...and I do mean..Carry On.

Eyes,

Getting a male perspective and wisdom is very helpful. I know males and females tend to view things not always the same way. I like the ideas that you presented and will attempt to not think but just be. The problem is even his skin just touching mine is enough for me to get out of bed even when he is totally asleep. How to allow it happen without the panic and terror or being able to subdue it enough to just lay there like broccoli when i feel more like well something unfriendly.

So yeap I would like Saturday morning to be the answer. I really would. :D

Eme

maybe it is something subconscious. if so, a therapist could really help you (and your husband!) out.

this is blunt, but wouldn't you worry that he would go find it somewhere else?

sorry, i don't know anything about your marriage. i guess i am just thinking about the alternatives.

i wish you well,
kathryn

Kathryn,

I have thought about therapy for us and then each of us separately. I know he has things that might help him if he dealt with them also. The thing is that he thinks therapy is well for the rich or the incredibly bored and won't attend. So I would have to do it on a just me basis. I think part of the reason he won't go is fear. Fear of what lurks in his own mind or memory.

I don't worry about him finding someone else if I knew he was happy with that person. Because as least physically he would be getting his needs met. If he decided to move in with them I would be happy for him. It sounds well like I don't care when I do. I know that my being this way is not healthy for a marriage. He says that going elsewhere for him is not an option. I believe him when he says that and know where his heart is and what moves it. Me! :D At the same time I wish I were moved in a positive manner.

Eme

[QUOTE=luckygem13;3056355]

Lucky :

Ya your right....you have the right idea....." and you don't even have to talk or open your EYES cause you won't be fully awake."

Now EME ...do you got it.....;) ;) ;) ;)

You gotta know that EYES and Lucky....have your answers..:D

Carry On,

;) Yes and very good ones too!

Thank you both for everything I mean it and it has meant a world to me. I wrote it down since I don't lose my notebooks but I tend to lose most everything else. Things to try and see what the wind brings!

Eme

Eme,
It sounds very much like you have a sensory integration disorder, the not wanting to touch and not wanting your food to touch. It's usually diagnosed in children, but many more adults are not being diagnosed with it now. You might want to check with your doctor. Its usually addressed by an Occupational Therapist who can give you exercises to do to help desensitive you. Do you ever have any problems with clothing? Some people don't like the feel of certain clothes, such as socks with seams.
This is also something seen in people with autism. Remember it is a spectrum disorder and you may have a very mild form of it, just enough to give you social problems like interpersonal relationships.
Just thought I would give you a couple of other ideas about what could be causing the way you feel.

Lisa

That is something I had never thought of even with my nephew having asperbergers. I know that that I had not given thought about clothes really simply because i wear the same stuff all the time. I was wondering do they have problems with words that hurt? I don't mean being called names but the sound of a word like frothy is the one I can type though I cannot speak it nor does my hubby for my sake. It just is like nails on a chalkboard but worse. There are others but I cannot type them here. I will have to check into that.

Thanks for helping Lisa. It means a lot.

Eme

[QUOTE=EYESTWO22;3056415]

;) Yes and very good ones too!

Thank you both for everything I mean it and it has meant a world to me. I wrote it down since I don't lose my notebooks but I tend to lose most everything else. Things to try and see what the wind brings!

Eme

Eme :......I'm glad you wrote in that very important notebook.(go ahead and lose eveything else).

Try these things ....and see what the WINDS brings.......
Lady.. your skin can blow in the wind. You said...."The problem is even his skin just touching mine is enough for me to get out of bed even when he is totally asleep." I say ......come on .....Let the wind blow on your skin..... through off the blankets and just lay there.....knowing that his skin is there...with you ...and ...and and.....let the wind Blow... Eme :)

Pehaps we are so much in to ourselves....that we find it hard to let "the wind Blow".......

I'm old now (65).and a lot of my friend say ...your not old.. and I say ...well..maybe....but....I have learned that a person needs to ...let go...

and just let it happen ........................."Blowing in the Wind."......

Can you here this ..Eme. ;)

Carry On.

[QUOTE=emeraldeyes114;3058478]

Eme :......I'm glad you wrote in that very important notebook.(go ahead and lose eveything else).

Try these things ....and see what the WINDS brings.......
Lady.. your skin can blow in the wind. You said...."The problem is even his skin just touching mine is enough for me to get out of bed even when he is totally asleep." I say ......come on .....Let the wind blow on your skin..... through off the blankets and just lay there.....knowing that his skin is there...with you ...and ...and and.....let the wind Blow... Eme :)

Pehaps we are so much in to ourselves....that we find it hard to let "the wind Blow".......

I'm old now (65).and a lot of my friend say ...your not old.. and I say ...well..maybe....but....I have learned that a person needs to ...let go...

and just let it happen ........................."Blowing in the Wind."......

Can you here this ..Eme. ;)

Carry On.

I agree you aren't in the least bit old. :D Perhaps we do find it too hard to let not only the wind blow but wounds to heal or hearts to remember. Perhaps a lot of things don't need words or dreams or hopes just two hearts who still yearn and spark to ignite many things.

Yeap I hear you loud and clear as crystal.

:) Eme

Emerald: I can relate to some of this. I was looking for answers.
The word and nails on the chalkboard: you will laugh, but I am afraid of napkings. The noise they make when touched or rubbed together makes me cringe.:D Laughing yet?

The realtionship issue? I posted something a while ago about that. You know, the morning thing? I analize everything so much. I don't like the morning thing, it is kind of just wrong. I feel so ugly, and I worry about my breath, my hair, any body odors, and all. Then when I "go with it" I worry about spots on the bed and all. I over analize everything. I cannot possibly enjoy sex if I don't stop thinking for a while.

Does anyone start thinking of a list of things you need to get done while "doing it". I guess now to me sex is like eating, I can multi task, and I still can't just dedicate myself to it and let go. I am still working on it. I used to have so much fun!!

I oredered some videos on the internet on how to get creative an have better sex. Maybe I can learn a thing or two and surprise my hubby when he gets back. And yes, I will explain how I got the videos, otherwise I can see how a man would worry. He's been gone for 2 weeks, and comes back to that kind of surprise, he could have bad ideas.

This is my "quick fix" patch. You see, I still feel like it, just not at the times he does. ANd I still am atracted to him and love him and want this, but once we get down to it, I get numb and feels like I am just excersising or something. As I remember, it used to be a lot better. I will work on it.

Strawberry

Emerald: You know, the morning thing? I analize everything so much. I don't like the morning thing, it is kind of just wrong. I feel so ugly, and I worry about my breath, my hair, any body odors, and all. Then when I "go with it" I worry about spots on the bed and all. I over analize everything. I cannot possibly enjoy sex if I don't stop thinking for a while.
Strawberry

Your breath?..Don't open your mouth, you're still half asleep, right? Your hair, Uh, he is NOT interested in your hair at this hour of the day but rather your willlingness to help him get rid of the daily am "flagpole"...I have to get creative with language there are a lot of rules on this board, LOL....body odors, Puhleez, just shower at night, spots on the bed....now that one does require some level of intimacy with your spouse...we have a plan over here..either, use a latex product or put it on my belly and wipe it up for me when your done cause I am still half asleep after all...that is the game plan. It works for us, HTH.;)

It's like you read my mind eme!!! I am 47, have a 17 year-old son and also find sex a major chore. If anyone has any good suggestions for us I am open to them!
:wave:

greenidme,

For me it is a chore to some extent but for me feeling sex is the yuckiest thing on the planet next to perhaps listening to someone get sick is just a bit of the problem. The chore comes in pretending to be enjoying something that honestly I would rather be drug across hot coals by a team of raging grizzlies. It is not my husband in the manner he tries and is open to suggestions. I, however, in my mind am like just get it over with. That is sad and if weren't for that our marriage would be so much bettter off then what it is. He has needs and apparently I don't?!?

I think for some life gets in the way and you get going-going-going all the time especially if you have kids. By the end of the day you are just trying schedule sleep time and each other seems to take a back seat. In the movie fun with dick and jane a few thought it was so funny they were scheduling their sex lives. In a way, it is a sort of fact for many who are so busy even just with life let alone adding additional mental stuff to it. Then they can't enjoy cause they still let life get in the way.

So try a few of the suggestions I think are on page two and perhaps three from Eyes and Lucky. I plan to as soon as I get home! Well actually the following day since the drive is long and so forth.

Eme

greenidme,......

...............I think for some life gets in the way and you get going-going-going all the time especially if you have kids. By the end of the day you are just trying schedule sleep time and each other seems to take a back seat..... Then they can't enjoy cause they still let life get in the way.

So try a few of the suggestions I think are on page two and perhaps three from Eyes and Lucky. I plan to as soon as I get home! Well actually the following day since the drive is long and so forth.
Eme

Eme & Greenidme.....Don't laugh....anything worth scheduleing has some value in Life. Pehaps, it's your "point of view" about how and when you "think and do" the scheduleing. That is...to stay postive about your outcome of the schedule ;) ....Try "visualization"...seeing in your minds eye, the most enjoyabe time you and your husband had with sex. (go back in time,if you have to). ....Remember your able to schedule every busy thing in Life.....now......why not include this very important aspect in your Life....

Stay loose.....and just do it ;)

Carry On,