sammy68uk
06-21-2007, 06:06 AM
Don’t know where I ‘m gonna go with this post folks, so indulge me ! I ‘m just airing some thoughts... If I don’t set them down I’ll get to the point where they run round and round inside my head. It’s been a strange few weeks for me... I feel pretty empty at the moment and I’m trying to work out why...
Only thing I can think of so far is that recently my counsellor said she didn’t need to see me for one to ones any more. She feel’s I’m doing well enough to cope with just group sessions for now ( great for the wallet... Costs a lot less !!!! LOL ) This week my welfare officer from Combat Stress and I agreed that I didn’t need any more home visits from them... Great progress !
The thing is, I feel kind of lost now. Combat Stress in particular have been a rock for me since I broke down in 2005... They were there for me and showed me I wasn’t alone and that there was a way out of the hole I was in.
I guess the support I got from them was more valuable to me than just on a clinical level... Perhaps it’s an emotional support as well ? Thank God for you folks and the friends I’ve made elsewhere on the internet.
I don’t want to take people’s energy away from the really important posts that are going on right now... This is just some self indulgent, self pitying over-thinking about my position right now. Perhaps I’m wondering if I still “belong” now that people are telling me I’m doing better... *shrugs* The mind is a funny thing... Anyone who didn’t know me would think I’m doing good... Family, good job, house... all the trappings of “normality”. I’ve had this support for a while now, and perhaps I’m worrying about how I’ll do without it ? Perhaps it’s that I feel a fraud. How come I’ve got these things when others have lost so much. I’ve got a friend with PTSD / Gulf War Syndrome, and he’s got nothing... Apart from early stage sclirosis of the liver and a council flat to sit in 24x7.... Is it wrong to think “I’m glad that’s not me” ? I remember thinking that pretty shortly after my friend got murdered... Maybe I’m not a good person.
OMG that’s some serious rambling. I’ll leave it at that for now. Need to take my own advice and come back to the here and now. Lets see... Yep. I can feel my back against the chair, and my feet on the floor ! LOL
Hope everyone is okay.
Mark
Only thing I can think of so far is that recently my counsellor said she didn’t need to see me for one to ones any more. She feel’s I’m doing well enough to cope with just group sessions for now ( great for the wallet... Costs a lot less !!!! LOL ) This week my welfare officer from Combat Stress and I agreed that I didn’t need any more home visits from them... Great progress !
The thing is, I feel kind of lost now. Combat Stress in particular have been a rock for me since I broke down in 2005... They were there for me and showed me I wasn’t alone and that there was a way out of the hole I was in.
I guess the support I got from them was more valuable to me than just on a clinical level... Perhaps it’s an emotional support as well ? Thank God for you folks and the friends I’ve made elsewhere on the internet.
I don’t want to take people’s energy away from the really important posts that are going on right now... This is just some self indulgent, self pitying over-thinking about my position right now. Perhaps I’m wondering if I still “belong” now that people are telling me I’m doing better... *shrugs* The mind is a funny thing... Anyone who didn’t know me would think I’m doing good... Family, good job, house... all the trappings of “normality”. I’ve had this support for a while now, and perhaps I’m worrying about how I’ll do without it ? Perhaps it’s that I feel a fraud. How come I’ve got these things when others have lost so much. I’ve got a friend with PTSD / Gulf War Syndrome, and he’s got nothing... Apart from early stage sclirosis of the liver and a council flat to sit in 24x7.... Is it wrong to think “I’m glad that’s not me” ? I remember thinking that pretty shortly after my friend got murdered... Maybe I’m not a good person.
OMG that’s some serious rambling. I’ll leave it at that for now. Need to take my own advice and come back to the here and now. Lets see... Yep. I can feel my back against the chair, and my feet on the floor ! LOL
Hope everyone is okay.
Mark
Sponsor
stick2013
06-21-2007, 06:14 AM
Mark,
I know how you feel.....Glad that you have "graduated" from therapy, but, CRAP what do I do now? Been there done that. It will take you awhile to get over the feeling of talking those first few steps alone, but you will..... Our therapist can sometimes feel like our life line, the other half of our sanity, and when they leave it's like they took that away. Your just feeling, yes, a little lost right now, but you really aren't.
You are such an inspiration here. You have such a wonderful way with words, and you do help so much.......
I think that you should celebrate, have a graduation party... Celebrate the fact that there is LIFE after PTSD!!!!!!
Way to go guy.... I am so happy for you....:blob_fire :blob_fire :blob_fire :blob_fire
Hugs,
Sid
I know how you feel.....Glad that you have "graduated" from therapy, but, CRAP what do I do now? Been there done that. It will take you awhile to get over the feeling of talking those first few steps alone, but you will..... Our therapist can sometimes feel like our life line, the other half of our sanity, and when they leave it's like they took that away. Your just feeling, yes, a little lost right now, but you really aren't.
You are such an inspiration here. You have such a wonderful way with words, and you do help so much.......
I think that you should celebrate, have a graduation party... Celebrate the fact that there is LIFE after PTSD!!!!!!
Way to go guy.... I am so happy for you....:blob_fire :blob_fire :blob_fire :blob_fire
Hugs,
Sid
Phoenix
06-21-2007, 07:36 AM
Dear Mark:
You know that I am no stranger to thoughts running around in my head, so I fully understand the need to air them out.
I couldn't help notice that on another thread, you shared a few "tense moments."
Have you shared this with the therapist?
Could the lost feeling represent unfinished business that requires attention?
The feeling of relief that it wasn't you could be a mechanism imbedded in your survival instinct.
There is nothing wrong with feeling saddened on one extreme and yet putting your life into perspective on the other.
Take away people's energy; that's a misconception.
As of late, there has been enough energy generating through this board alone that would give solar power a run for its' money:) .
If you feel that i'm way off base, please let me know.
Take care
God Bless
Ryan
You know that I am no stranger to thoughts running around in my head, so I fully understand the need to air them out.
I couldn't help notice that on another thread, you shared a few "tense moments."
Have you shared this with the therapist?
Could the lost feeling represent unfinished business that requires attention?
The feeling of relief that it wasn't you could be a mechanism imbedded in your survival instinct.
There is nothing wrong with feeling saddened on one extreme and yet putting your life into perspective on the other.
Take away people's energy; that's a misconception.
As of late, there has been enough energy generating through this board alone that would give solar power a run for its' money:) .
If you feel that i'm way off base, please let me know.
Take care
God Bless
Ryan
isitme
06-21-2007, 07:59 AM
I can relate to all what you've said. My first post here was entitled 'feel a fraud', especially as there is no 1 defining trauma to relate ptsd to. It is human nature to see another less of than ourselves and think 'I'm glad that is not me'. THere is no doubt in my mind that you are a good person. Maybe it isn't 'lost' that you are feeling. Could it be 'freedom' from the past? I agree with sid, you've graduated, welcome aboard.
ICC
06-21-2007, 08:42 AM
Hi Mark....I am also in aggreement. Graduating is tough sometimes. We are so used to one sort of behaviour and having support at every turn that when finished or taking a time out from therapy sometimes makes us feel sad, almost like we are grieving a part of ourselves. I went through this months ago. Very depressing at times. I was so used to stress, drama, etc. that when it started to dissipate I was lost. Lived my whole life in the throws of some sort of trauma, drama, hurt that it took me a little while to get used to the calm. Enjoy!! You deserve it.
Grasshopper
Grasshopper
sammy68uk
06-21-2007, 09:33 AM
Thanks Folks...
I think you may all be a little bit right. ( okay, perhaps a lot right !!!! ) And thanks for your kind words and encouragement.
I do feel sort of vulnerable without the support network provided by CS and my counsellor. The daft thing is that I know they are only ever a phone call away, but I guess it’s a psychological hurdle rather than a real one.
Whilst I was suffering, I had this bond of brotherhood with my fellow service men and women... for those who’ve been in the forces you’ll understand what I mean. After I left all those years ago I turned my back on things, partly I realise now, because of my condition. I lost out on so much, and missed the friendship that I’d had. Suddenly, as a result of visiting CS, I’d got all that back. I was talking to people who understood where I’d been and what I’d done. Now it feels like it’s lost.
FTM, almost certainly there is unfinished business. I think I’m going to try and leave it alone for a while though and see where this takes me. It was so easy when I was exhibiting lots of symptoms. I had a condition. Those who knew about it could see on occasion what it was doing to me. Now, I think that people will feel that I’m “cured”. I know my mum did after I spent a week at one of Combat Stress’ residential homes. She’s never asked about it since. *shrugs* I think I’d like to try and live as things are for a while before I start to delve into that unfinished stuff. I feel like I’ve off-loaded enough for now to begin to try and move forward.
It feels like there will be an added pressure on me to be “normal” since people will think I’m cured. *** is normal anyway ! ;)
I’m also not the same person I was. I don’t get motivated by the same things. I’ve always been fairly unflappable at work during crises, but now it all means so little to me. More and more I want out of the IT and banking industries... People take themselves so seriously.
It’s like I have a life stretched out before me but it’s a blank sheet and I don’t know what my preferences are to fill it up with. Once I found out I had PTSD, it was always full of just trying to cope with this. I get the feeling that I should always have a little bit of the sheet spare to put my efforts to stay better on.
I cant believe where this is going... On days like this, I wish I was camping in the mountains somewhere... Next to a lake. Me, my tent, the lake and mountains and my thoughts... I don’t think that all self analysis is bad. Sometimes it can be destructive, but like now for example, I just need to take the time to ruminate over something in my life that’s changed.
What I need to get straight in my mind is that these are just imaginary challenges and hurdles. I can do it. I know I can. Particularly with friends like you lot :D
Mark.
I think you may all be a little bit right. ( okay, perhaps a lot right !!!! ) And thanks for your kind words and encouragement.
I do feel sort of vulnerable without the support network provided by CS and my counsellor. The daft thing is that I know they are only ever a phone call away, but I guess it’s a psychological hurdle rather than a real one.
Whilst I was suffering, I had this bond of brotherhood with my fellow service men and women... for those who’ve been in the forces you’ll understand what I mean. After I left all those years ago I turned my back on things, partly I realise now, because of my condition. I lost out on so much, and missed the friendship that I’d had. Suddenly, as a result of visiting CS, I’d got all that back. I was talking to people who understood where I’d been and what I’d done. Now it feels like it’s lost.
FTM, almost certainly there is unfinished business. I think I’m going to try and leave it alone for a while though and see where this takes me. It was so easy when I was exhibiting lots of symptoms. I had a condition. Those who knew about it could see on occasion what it was doing to me. Now, I think that people will feel that I’m “cured”. I know my mum did after I spent a week at one of Combat Stress’ residential homes. She’s never asked about it since. *shrugs* I think I’d like to try and live as things are for a while before I start to delve into that unfinished stuff. I feel like I’ve off-loaded enough for now to begin to try and move forward.
It feels like there will be an added pressure on me to be “normal” since people will think I’m cured. *** is normal anyway ! ;)
I’m also not the same person I was. I don’t get motivated by the same things. I’ve always been fairly unflappable at work during crises, but now it all means so little to me. More and more I want out of the IT and banking industries... People take themselves so seriously.
It’s like I have a life stretched out before me but it’s a blank sheet and I don’t know what my preferences are to fill it up with. Once I found out I had PTSD, it was always full of just trying to cope with this. I get the feeling that I should always have a little bit of the sheet spare to put my efforts to stay better on.
I cant believe where this is going... On days like this, I wish I was camping in the mountains somewhere... Next to a lake. Me, my tent, the lake and mountains and my thoughts... I don’t think that all self analysis is bad. Sometimes it can be destructive, but like now for example, I just need to take the time to ruminate over something in my life that’s changed.
What I need to get straight in my mind is that these are just imaginary challenges and hurdles. I can do it. I know I can. Particularly with friends like you lot :D
Mark.
Phoenix
06-21-2007, 09:59 AM
Mark:
Know that I respect your decision and that you have aN "OPEN" ticket to proceed deeper if or when you feel comfortable.............
no pressure.
Congratulations, my friend.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
Know that I respect your decision and that you have aN "OPEN" ticket to proceed deeper if or when you feel comfortable.............
no pressure.
Congratulations, my friend.
Take care
God Bless
FTM
stick2013
06-21-2007, 06:13 PM
Mark,
Those that know you, and know that you have PTSD... Won't expect you to act "Normal, or Be Normal" They know you and know that this will be with you for life. It's a work in process. I still have my triggers, I still deal with the depression side of PTSD, I still get triggers that lead into flashbacks, anxiety, and panic. But I have learned how to get out from under it very quickly now. You will too.....
Happy graduation again....You earned it......:D
Sid
Those that know you, and know that you have PTSD... Won't expect you to act "Normal, or Be Normal" They know you and know that this will be with you for life. It's a work in process. I still have my triggers, I still deal with the depression side of PTSD, I still get triggers that lead into flashbacks, anxiety, and panic. But I have learned how to get out from under it very quickly now. You will too.....
Happy graduation again....You earned it......:D
Sid