Hi,
i know this is a bit, different? and sorry if im posting in the wrong section. ok so here goes, im just an average person, i get angry, but not anymore than the average person. My problem is, i need to be able to have my anger come out when i need it, sounds strange. the reason i want my anger to come out when i need it, is because im terrified of getting in a fight (a fist fight) im a pretty big man, and i could probably do some damage and definitley hold myself in a fight, but as soon as theres any sign of trouble, my heart starts to race, my head goes all panicky and i just want to run away like a little girl. i want to be able to not be afraid, because as i said i could handle myself. however, i feel that if i was to get in a fight because i had been arguing with the person about something, i would fight, because i would be heated up. its just uncalled for attacks/trouble or potential trouble that i cant handle, i know a lot of you will be saying "fightings not the way, be the bigger man walk away" but you cant always walk away. i think maybe some of the problem is confidence, my confidence is quite low when it comes to girls and so on, maybe it stems from that?

So if any of you have any ideas/advice what i can do to help myself, id be very greatfull.

Thanks

I think that what you are describing is true of the majority of the population. Most normal people don't want to fight or punch somebody who makes them angry. That does not make you timid or lacking in confidence. I hear what you are saying about the reluctance to do damage by getting angry and maybe injuring someone. A potentially violent situation is something that most people will react to just the same as you do, it is the old fight-or-flight adrenaline rush. Flight will always win out unless a true threat to your safety is present. This is the normal outcome. Read up on assertive behaviour and take those principles on board, they are a much more effective way of dealing with confrontation and conflict than the physical or angry response. Cheers, Sera

Clockman, maybe you are just afraid of confrontation?

thanks for the replies. If my problem is down to confrontation, is there anything i can do to help it? i have not had chance yet, but i will check out assertive behavior.

thanks for the replies. If my problem is down to confrontation, is there anything i can do to help it? i have not had chance yet, but i will check out assertive behavior. You are answering your own question here. Assertive behaviour is the most effective way to deal with confrontation. Cheers, Sera

Now...I'm not 100% sure you actually have an issue here at all. You sound like a nice, normal, relatively gentle and rational man.

You're not concerned that you're not able to express your feelings (eg., anger) in general arguments or confrontations with people when there's a reason for the argument, or people you know, etc? You feel you're getting your point across ok in these types of situations? Hopefully yes, because this is the most important thing with feelings of anger. If you honestly feel you're being heard, you don't tend to get angry and thus need to express it in physical or destructive ways.

So...that having been said, is your problem that you feel scared that if an unprovoked attack or confrontation happened to you, that you would be unable to "hold your own" not because of a lack of physicality, but simply because of your attitude toward fighting? Like, if some weirdo in the street came up to you and was yelling or something, you'd have the urge to run away? Is that it? I think anyone with half a brain would do the same thing! It's not worth getting into a fight of ANY sort of with someone who comes up to you to fight unprovoked or with people you don't know. It's idiotic. You're better than that.

But, if you want to know how to "channel" your anger or whatever into being able to get yourself ready to confront a situation such as the above, say if someone was being attacked and you wanted to help them or something I suppose, maybe just try and remind yourself that the person you're directing your actions at is being stupid, being wrong, hurting someone/you, etc, and that your actions/feelings are right...that might give you a bit of confidence...although, you should already have a heap of confidence simply for being the guy that you are. You sound lovely.

is your problem that you feel scared that if an unprovoked attack or confrontation happened to you, that you would be unable to "hold your own" not because of a lack of physicality

thats exactly it, if it is completley unprovoked, i would not be in the right mind state, it would catch me off guard and i would be very intimidated, but in this day and age, in the UK, i think i NEED to be able to not be scared, because you cant ALWAYS run away, and 99% of the time, if its a 'chav' your unable to talk your way out of it. My friends know how i feel, but they dont know to this degree, and they have said that i shouldnt be worried because im a big, strong'ish man, but one of my friends who is not that strong or built, is the least intimidated person i know.

thanks for the nice comments too :angel:

Clockman, many people have to overcome the fear of confrontation. I had to. For me it had to do with standing up for myself (and believing that I had the right to do this). I got over my fear by talking myself through it before and after ever time until it just about disppeared. The fear is like a reflex and I just had to tell myself that my fear was way out of proportion to the circumstances and with practice I brought that fear level way down.

thanks for the replies, i had a bit of an inncident today, i was walking along and i saw a group of 4 'chavs' as they are called, i heard one of them say "hes got tits like my mum" (the wind was blowing towards me, so my t-shirt was pressed against my chest making it more obvious lol) i did not really get intimidated, i just carried on looking straight forward as if i never heard it, but now im thinking that i should have at least looked around at them, which would have probably resulted in them slinging abuse at me, how would everyone else have reacted?

I think that you did react: You stereotyped them as "chavs" in your mind. Aside from that, you are the better person for not stooping (outwardly) to their level! You just kept on walking without any sideways glance/glare! Bravo for that!

I'm a girl so I would've been a bit stupid to react at all, lest I get beaten up and I am really weak and flimsy too, so...yeah. Best to just keep walking.

If I WAS able of defending myself, and I was in a bad mood/stoned/drunk etc, I would've looked around and made a face, given the finger, or called out some lewd remark about their brains being even more miniscule than their penises. Heheh.