dont judge, sometimes listening is all you can do. i dont want more. i dont write for pity, or for tears. i dont write to draw attention, i dont write to be noticed. i write because it keeps my hands occupied. it keeps scars from being riped open, and it keeps new ones from being formed. its not like its uncommon, but its also not like you see it on everybody. my pants are long and shirts cover. not because i am ashamed but because i dont want to explain. why should people need to know. its my body. and it hasnt killed me so it cant be that bad. i dont do it to feel. i feel a lot. mostly bad, but i feel. i dont claim to be numb. i take it out on me because i blame myself for letting it happen. i guess its a way of making me pay. everyone says "it wasnt your fault" but i feel like it is, and this makes it better. i dont need a doctor to look at it and ask what happened, they know.

so why all the questions. are they just asking for a lie, its not something that most people go around advertising. but sometimes i just want to scream. look at them. see my arms thats not the worst! you should see my legs or stomach!! but the why isnt that easy. pain, guilt, numbness, boredum, anger, hurt, but the why doenst really matter. its gotten to the point where i cant stop. i thought i was better but apparently not. but in the big scheme of things it seems so unimportant. i mean people are dying of AIDS and cancer. who cares that i cant deal with my feelings or the past, or for that matter the present. you can pump me full of drugs but nothing takes away memories. and its gotten to the point where i dont even think the drugs work anymore. so now theres a new one. a new drug. i wonder what else i can take. i just want it to go away. im sick of looking at them, and thinking what the hell have i done. but in the moment it just seems right. if only for a moment it makes the pain go away. well it does for me.

i sleep thought the day so i dont have to think. i sleep at night to keep busy. i live in the past. if i can go far enough back, i can pretend it didnt happen or that i can change it, but then the present hits and i do it. so with nothing left to say. my hands will be free and let the destruction begin

so ive had kinda a hard week, im new here, about a year ago i was diagonased with depression, anxiety and ptsd. im off meds till thursday, which is perhaps while i feel so bad, but thats all i got
SD

Hi SD,

First of all - Welcome! - and I hope you post often. Secondly, I just want to say that you won't find judgement or condemnation on these boards. What you will find is a group of people who understand what it feels like to suffer... what it feels like to be angry... and what it feels like to have had a chunk of our lives ripped away from us. So, post all that you can - this is a safe place to let your anger out.

Beka

I have the same kinds of scars.....I am there with you...I only wish I could sleep....

I'm glad you vented here...keep doing it..say all you want...there are people here who will be have done some of the same things and if not will try their best to encourage and help.....

welcome...do come back and talk

Dear SD:

Welcome to the boards. You wrote:

"so ive had kinda a hard week, im new here, about a year ago i was diagonased with depression, anxiety and ptsd. im off meds till thursday, which is perhaps while i feel so bad, but thats all i got
SD"

I'm not a doctor but to me it seems that you had more than a rough week.

Whose idea was it to be off meds until Thursday?

I definitely understand the depression anxiety and PTSD side of things because I live under that category myself..........

and you know what? I bought into it hook, line and sinker.

It ate at me and to a certain point, continues to do so.

I have to keep on moving, even if it is an inch, forward.

I've got to find that energy that was once there and attempt to thwart the psychological issues which pervade my life.

How do you feel about that statement?

Please respond and I'd like to discuss this further; if you are up to it.

Take care
God Bless
Ryan

Why am i off meds? because i hate them. because they make me feel to much, or not enough. and im a perfectionist. i need to be in control. i can control so many things why cant i control this. well i should be able to, so i try and fail, and im miserable.
3 weeks ago after being on paxil for 6 months i hit a plato. and my doctor said if i wanted to i could try life without meds for a while. and i jumped at the chance. so he gave me 3 weeks and last thursday was 3 weeks. i am convinced that i dont need meds, however my doctor and my friends are not. however i go back on thursday, again and i guess ill start meds. but i really dont want to.

I've got to find that energy that was once there and attempt to thwart the psychological issues which pervade my life.

Ryan- to respond to your quote. i dont have the energy. it takes every ounce of energy i have to suffer through the day. let alone try to fight off feelings. i just dont have the energy. i sleep at every chance i get to re-juvinate. there are plenty of days i dont even leave my bed. there are somedays i dont think i can make it, but for now i am here and i trudge throught all the crap that is in my life
SD

Dear SD:

I respect your honesty.

I too find it difficult; the lack of energy, etc.

A loving friend of mines suggested I tell my doctor about the overwhelming tiredness I am having.

How about us both doing the same thing?

I don't want to be on meds either.

I think that a majority of those here feel the same way.

Try and save a little energy for us here; you won't be disappointed.

Even if you are not up to posting, at least read.

Take care
God Bless
Ryan