I am a 37 year old male and I have a real anger problem. When I was younger I used to get very upset and break stuff, but recently I have moved to a different level. I have started to injure myself (bruises mostly on my face and upper body), but what worries me the most is the fact that my anger is now being focused on other people and I am very affraid that someday soon I will actually hurt someone. I am in so much pain that I want everyone else around me to feel it too. I have very little family and most of my friends have abandoned me. I was raised Southern Baptist and used to think that I could turn to God for some help, but everytime I pray it just seems to get worst. I'm just very affriad for the innocent people around me.

Gadget

Gadget, why are you in pain?

Sannah,

The pain that I am in is both physical and emotional. I have had two serious relationships and both have ended very badly. The first relationship my girlfriend left me for my best friend (whom I had been friends with since we were about 8 years old) and second relationship ended when I came home to find my girlfriend in bed with another one of my friends, the funny things is I was thinking about asking her to marry me that weekend.

I have since lost both of my parents (my mother very quickly and my father had a prolonged illness in which I provided most of his care). And when I needed my friends to help, they were all too busy.

I am the only one of the people I grew up with that isn't married and doesn't have children so I not to fun to be around a parties and get togethers and nobody wants to invite the "lonely" guy.

I recently got together with a wonderful women that I really loved. Things were progressing really well and then she decided that I wasn't enough and she wants to leave me too. Based on something I learned this morning - I think that she too is cheating on me.

I really can't handle the pain of people leaving me and knowing that I'm not enough. All of my friend have left me, my relationships have left and I won't even getting started on how GOD has seemingly abandened me as well.

All of this fuels my anger - it is the only thing that has been constant in my life. I can always depend on my anger, it never lets me down and never abandons me. It is mine and no one can take or steal it away. I have been stripped of my trust, lost my hope and faith and the anger is killing my love.

Gadget

Wow, Gadget, I am so sorry for all of your losses..... I'll bet it was really hard seeing your dad go slowly. You were a good son to take care of him.

I have heard of people getting angry when they get hurt.

What made you angry when you were a child?

Sannah

When I was younger, people treated me very badly, I got beatup alot as a child in school - I didn't have to many friends and it was tough. My parents treated me and my sister very well, so I didn't have any problems there, but it was just I lacked alot of social skills and I was an akward child. I also have a few very cruel jokes played on my in school.

I did fight back once, while I was in school, but my efforts were focused wrongly and I hurt an innocent person who was just watching the fight. In my defense both of my eyes were either bleeding or swollen and I really couldn't see, but I can still hear her scream. I never fought back again after that and believe me that beatings only got worst.

I am very lonely and scared Sannah, thank you for listening.

Gadget, I am sorry that you had to suffer so much as a child. Do you think that you are still holding on to that hurt?

Yes, I do - I can feel when I get hurt as an adult - I feel all of that pain over and over and over. I've also had many dreams/nightmares about my childhood as an adult. Sometimes I think emotionally I never really grew up from being a child.

I have an awesome career, I'm very successful at what I do for a living - it just the living part that is the painful part.

Gadget

Gadget, you can learn to let go of that hurt. You are not that same defenseless child anymore. You are an adult who can protect himself (even though you have been hurt by girlfriends as an adult). You seem to have a pattern of girlfriends cheating on you. I am wondering why you are choosing these types of woman? (I am not blaming you for their behavior I am just wondering what you aren't seeing maybe in these woman which might be warning signs???? or if you are putting up with something with these woman when you deserve better???) Yes, you can be an adult intellectually and a child emotionally. I experienced this and all that I did was finish my emotional development as an adult when I was working on my issues.

dude the chik u hit as a kid it was not your falt and u should not get angry but should stand up for yourself man
and cuting yourself man well u must understand most have fellings like that , i once had a close friend of mind killed herself because i never noticed she had a crush on me and i allways fell guilty bout that but u should not cut yourself that only reads to worse anger

Sannah,

I would think that letting go would be easy and I've tried a couple of time - by making new memories, but they always get smashed or the memories just turn bad - I wish I could forget it all.

Gadget

Gadget, I would think that you have to work through those memories in order to let them go. Understand how they affected you, grieve, etc. I would think that it would be impossible to just forget them. They need to be unloaded and put away, not forgotten. Have you ever been to therapy?

Well Sanah,

It happened - and it wasn't good. My current girlfriend (the one that is leaving me was over talking to me w/her children) and the converstation didn't go well and I got very angry and ended up putting my fist through a large picture and the wall (knocked a whole the size of a basketball through the wall)

The children were terrified (I am truly a monster - I scare children). The deep darkness took over and that is what happened. I ran out of the room and screamed for "God to just kill me for the monster I've become". The children and her ran to the front of my house and quickly left.

I'm now alone and very scared - I took myself to the emergency room for my hand and am now at home scared to go out into public. What is wrong with me - What is going to happen to me? I can only be thankful that they were not physically injured, but I can never erase what I've done.

Can I fix myself, or is this a lost cause?

Gadget

Personally I think you need to address this by seeing a pdoc. You may have a chemical imbalance that causes you to react the way you do. My husband has huge anger problems but has bp/bpd. He smashes things and rages but does not hurt himself. He does do impuslive things without realizing the consquences. Due to this we do not live together and are facing divorce. He has abandonment issues and feels immence pain. I am sorry you feel so much pain but I would check it out with a pdoc or regular doc. Don't let it go until you go over the edge and hurt someone.

Gadget, what were you all talking about that was making you so angry? What thoughts were going through your mind/what were you feeling? No, I don't think that you are a lost cause. You do this stuff because of your thoughts and feelings and if you would examine what is making you tick you can work on it. You sound like you really want to work on this stuff and this is the first and major step.

Marsmallow, thanks for the reply, but what do you mean by PDOC? I have seen a counsellor before, but I'm not sure I understand what you are suggesting.

Gadget

gadget it means psychiatrist (pdoc) I don't mean to be rude but you want help and anger can come from a chemical imbalance or stem for other issues. A therapist or pdoc can help you get to the root of it.

Gadget, there is hope even when you think it's gone.

Let me tell you a little about myself. I am a 44 y/o wife and mother to an 18 y/o son. I have a lot of issues stemming mostly from when I was growing up. I had an alcoholic dad whom I witnessed trying to kill my older brother in a drunken rage. I was also injured in the fight. I can't tell you how many times we had to get my dad out of a bar. My mom was as sweet as could be but very naive to what was going on around us. I was molested by an uncle and then by a friend of the family. I became a loner. I wasn't always a loner but became one out of fear that I would get hurt again.

When I was 16, the pain was so bad that I attempted suicide by taking a LOT of pills. I was the second child to attempt it. My older sister shot herself in the stomach. We both lived thru it. Still, my mom was denying there was a problem and dad had nothing to say to myself or my sister, not even an "I love you". Dad never said that to us and we never really felt loved by him.

After my suicide attempt, I pretty much lived my life in my bedroom. I quit school and just vegitated. I experimented some with drugs but didn't really like that. So I just went to work, came home, ate, watched tv and went to bed. This went on for about 8 years. I wanted so badly to be in love with someone. Thru a friend at work, I met a guy and began dating him. He was a control freak and I found out about that early in the relationship. But I wanted to be in love and I wanted someone to love me so badly that I went along with it. He wouldn't let me leave the house without asking his permission first. I couldn't talk to anyone without his permission. Heck, I couldn't do ANYTHING without his permission. I woke up when I realized that this guy was seperating me from my mom, the only person I ever felt loved me. I broke up with him and eventually met and fell in love with another alcoholic. He quit drinking. We got married and had a son. I went to therapy and joined a 12 step group. I figured out how to let go of the past and accept it for what it was. I can leave it in the past now. I can never forget it but I can say that in many ways, I am a better person for having gone thru what I did.

You can get to that point if you're willing to do whatever you have to in order to get there. I have to tell you I NEVER wanted to go to a therapist. I went there reluctantly. But I learned a lot of things about myself in there and much to my surprise, I learned that I wasn't the monster I thought I was. I used to think everything about me was bad. In therapy (and it took a while), I learned that I am a good person. I am a person who deserves to be treated well. Today, I accept myself, good and bad.

I haven't told you everything about myself and my past. There are some things that are too graphic and personal. So if I can make it thru and come out on top, you can too. Be patient with yourself and get help. You deserve good things in your life.

And please don't measure your quality of life against another person's. Sometimes we think others have it much better than we do. Looks can be (and often are) deceiving.

Love and hugs, Barb

Marshmallow

I don't thing anything that you said was rude. I wasn't sure what you were saying and now I know.

I am going to seek professional help. Throughout the years I have seen several PDOCs and have talked with some therapist and counsellors. I don't know if my General Doctor will be of any help. He's actually pretty crappy. I had actually tried to make contact with several doctors on Friday afternoon (prior to my violent outburst), but no one had called back by the time I got home.

My girlfriend (I think "ex") came by the house today with the children and we had a pretty good afternoon. I also tried to go the church this morning to just be around other people (in a safe environment). I am still very scared, but I made it through yesterday and today is almost over so that's two more days than I thought were possible.

Hopefully by tommorrow I will have connected with a doctor and can start working on this problem.

Since you seem to know a little about the chemical side - I do have a question. When I went to the emergency room on Friday night to have my hand looked at they told me that I was running a high fever 101+. I was feeling fine except for my hand - could the fever have caused the outburst? or could the outburst have caused the fever?

Thank you for your time,

Gadget

LuvMyDoggie,

Thank you very much for sharing a piece of your story - I am interested in putting the paste behind me, but I never seem to get it done right. Is that something that a therapist or maybe a group help someone do? You mention the 12 step program - was that part of the AA program? or did that help you deal with the past events?

I have no trouble talking to the doctor, it is just a matter of finding one, which I hope I can do quickly.

Thanks,

Gadget

Well, I don't know if it is because of the Holiday on the 4th or what, but I've tried to call 8 different doctors today and not one has returned my call. This frustrates me, that I've actually tried but can't get through. Finding help should really not be this difficult (I would think).

I have done pretty good today. I went back to work and I've kept my cool most of the day. I have tried to keep to myself.

I would really like to start working on myself, but I need that push in the right direction (I'm guessing that's the doctor).

Gadget

Gadget, you have made an important step in your mental health by seeking out a doctor. Keep trying because it can be hard sometimes I know from experience. As for the fever it probably had to do with your hand beng injured. I am proud of you for realizing you need help because many people go through life with the anger getting worse and do nothing about it. I wish my husband would face he needs hlep. Keep trying to find a doctor or pdoc it will be worth it in the long run. I was reading your posts again and you have had many loses and hard times. I am sorry you had to live through so many painful relationships. I think your being with the girlfriend in public is a good idea until you get this anger under control. I wish you the best. Two things you mentioned about not growing up and feeling abandoned reminds me of symptoms of borderline personality but I am not a doctor so don't listen to me.

Tonight is not a good night - I've been through two phones and one clock. I'm alone in the house, so I'm no danger to anyone. I wish I understood why this was happening to me. I wish this board supported chat - I really need someone to talk too (or just listen).

Should anger wake you up? I want other people around me to feel my pain. I want them to understand how I hurt I want them to understand.

I was thinking tonight that I really am Angry and Affraid. I think I'm affraid because I don't want to live my life alone and I don't want to die alone. I had really great parents that taught me the significance of being a good person and I've really tried to make a life for myself. I've dated and I've been in love. In my last relationship I've actually loved so much
to want to be married, but each time some higher power steps in and tramples it and squashes my hopes, my dreams, and steals my happiness. I saw my father get sick and I took care of him until his last breathe, is there going to be no one there for me when my time comes? I'm angry at all of the people that have taken this away from me (including God or whatever hight power you believe in). - Or - is it my fault? Have I caused all of these problems.

I need answers, the anger has almost consumed me, I feel that there is only a little of me left.

Gadget

Gadget I think starting with a good check up will help. Thyroid also can cause emotions to be out of whack. If you go and have a complete check up that rules out physicial reasons for you anger then you can see a pdoc and start therapy to rule out or find the cause. Anger can be caused by frustration or low thresh hold for frustration. You could have an unreal idea of how things should be that causes you to react the way you do. There are so many reasons for anger but go check it out. It is so unhealthy to live the way you are. I think I would be very careful with a relationship right now especially with kids. You may not want to hurt anyone but I have been on the receiving end of my husbands rage and anger and it is pretty scary and dangerous. I hope you find an answer soon.

Well, I saw the doctor today - he really wasn't much help. I talked and he listened. He scheduled the next meeting. I really thought that he would be able to give me something to help the anxiety, anger, and help me sleep, but that didn't happen.

I'm so confused - I thought this would be a good step, but it was as empty and everything else that I've tried. I knew the doctor wouldn't be magic, but I had hoped I would feel better.

I tried to go to work, but being around the people just upset me more. I want my life back.

Gadget

Sannah, are you still around?

Hi Gadget, yes, I am still around. Getting better is a journey for your answers. You just have to find them. You have to understand yourself - what you need, and what issues that you have to work on, and then you have to work on these issues to find peace. This is what I did and you can do it too.

What you were saying about things being taken away from you, etc. IMO, we really have a lot of control (I didn't say total control!). The way that your life is now is not really your fault because when you were a child you had A LOT of challenges and you did the best that any child could do. So the effects that all of this had on you aren't really your fault. You do have control now and you can turn your life around. Self-understanding is the first step and no one can do it for you but you can get help from others to figure things out.

You are still young, you have plenty of time to figure things out and have a better life. I started my journey in my mid 20's and things didn't start really turning around until I was 30 (where was Health Boards then!)

So you are angry because you are alone? What are you afraid of?

Thanks Sannah,

I am affraid of being alone. I'm affriad of not having someone to share and depend on. I know I should be self sufficient and learn how to depend on myself (which I think I do), but it's nice to understand that someone else cares.

I know how to shop alone, eat alone, drink alone, go to shows, etc., but I'm affraid of growing old alone. I affriad of doing all of this and not having someone to share it with. I want to matter.

I'm jealous - I'm jealous of the people that get to experience love, that get to experience true good friendship, that have un faulting devotion and faith. I understand that they work at it and it isn't easy, but they don't do it alone and they make progress - I work and try and I get pain and disappointment as my progress.

I want to build something that going to last (a friendship and a relationship)

Gadget

I am a 37 year old male and I have a real anger problem. When I was younger I used to get very upset and break stuff, but recently I have moved to a different level. I have started to injure myself (bruises mostly on my face and upper body), but what worries me the most is the fact that my anger is now being focused on other people and I am very affraid that someday soon I will actually hurt someone. I am in so much pain that I want everyone else around me to feel it too. I have very little family and most of my friends have abandoned me. I was raised Southern Baptist and used to think that I could turn to God for some help, but everytime I pray it just seems to get worst. I'm just very affriad for the innocent people around me.

Gadget

Gadget This may or may not help you, but I have been doing a lot of research on sublimal programing and there is some pretty intresting research about rage and other strange behavior. Being linked to sublimal programing, not in the sense of mind control or anything## but in reguards to triggers of rage from past events. The mind is very wonderful and scary place some times. Basicly to sum it up. When you experiance rage and anger it is an emotion that is tied to some past event triggered by current situations, think of this like a program that get automaticly activated when certain events happen, Mine was Blue Isuzu Rodeos, Every time I saw one I would get very pissed off and rageful and mean and want to hurt someone anyone ect. But I finnaly figured out that this rage was linked to my daugther being molested. Go figure this one. What happened was my mind programed this some how into to my memory, When I first got the news a co worker of mine drove me home due to the mental state I was in ,and Bingo she drove a Blue Isuzu Rodeo. Some how some way this emotion was continuely triggered when ever I saw this color of a rodeo. You might want to try and use this example to help you identify your triggers. I have found out these emotions can be triggerd by songs sents colors , Locations. Ect. The only thing left to do is remove them from the programing circut still trying to figure this one out my self heard about something called EMDR. researching my self still. But at least knowing the triggers help me semi control my rage. But EMDR claims to be able to reprogram your mind so to speak might want to check that out.

Gadget, I couldn't agree with Pizzeo more. I totally believe that your environment and events "program" you too and that you just need to unprogram or reprogram yourself. I have heard a lot of good stuff about this EMDR. Are you making any progress in your self-understanding? And by the way, you have plenty of time to find someone to share your life with. IMO, what you need to do now is work on yourself so that you can move past all of this distress. Please feel confident that you WILL find someone AFTER you are better and just focus on getting better right now. I'm telling you, this self-understanding is the key. You can get started by focsuing on how you react to your everyday environment. What is triggering you and why. After you understand what is triggering you and why you can work on resolving it and getting beyond it. This is basically what Pizzeo was talking about.

I have struggled with anger and it seems to get worse when I have high anxiety. It helps me if I don't overschedule myself and my children, trying to be realistic, because the anxiety kicks in when I feel overwhelmed by things to do, noise, chaos. I think that anxiety, anger, insomnia, and depression all go hand in hand. When I get anxious then I can't sleep.

My husband and I find that exercise is the best form of anxiety release. A good hard workout really brings a nice relief. My psychologist has me use cranial electrotherapy stimulation during sessions and I use it at home too. I find it brings me a sense of calm after 10 or 15 minutes. Meanwhile I also seek after the Holy Spirit and think this is going to bring my ultimate release from anxiety and anger. I'll say to myself, I rest in You, I turn it over to You, I trust You.

Thanks Sannah, Mariaannabelle, and Pizzedofinco - it has been a very difficult week, but I've made it this far. Tuesday night was the last night that I had a serious outburst (where I actually destroyed something) and I think that is a very good thing.

I have connected with a couple of people and it has actually helped to release some of my anxiety and anger. I see my doctor again today, so I hope it goes better than last time.

I think that communication is one of my 'trggers' for the anger. Growing up and even in my current life - I feel that I swallow alot of my anger. I work in a high stress academic area and I am consitantly dealing with issues. I don't always have an outlet for this anger that I swallow. While I was growing up there was so much pain, bruising, scars, as well as severre emotional scaring - but I never had anyone to talk to.

I think I've figured at least one thing about myself.

Gadget.

Tuesday night was the last night that I had a serious outburst (where I actually destroyed something) and I think that is a very good thing.

I have connected with a couple of people and it has actually helped to release some of my anxiety and anger.

I think that communication is one of my 'trggers' for the anger. Growing up and even in my current life - I feel that I swallow alot of my anger.

I work in a high stress academic area and I am consitantly dealing with issues. I don't always have an outlet for this anger that I swallow.

Gadget, this is great progress!!!! Please continue to use this board as an outlet for your anger and stresses and keep up the good work and self-analysis. You will make it!

(And Gadget, I'll be away this next week so I won't be able to post but I will catch up with you when I get back - just didn't want you to think that I disappeared).

I hit rock bottom again last night - it was a very difficult night. Since I've had no luck with the doctor giving me medicine, I've turned to the only thing that I know that helps instantly - I've started to drink alcohol until I pass out. It seems like the only way that I can get some sleep.

The anger has began to consume me again. It's like it was only taking a rest and now it's back again.

I don't know how long I can deal with this without some more help.

Gadget

gadget go get your self a punching bag, I did this and it seamed to help with the rage and anger, put a picture of who ever is pissing you off at the top the punching bag and beat the living day lights out of the bag, careful that you punch correctly with golve or you will sprain you wrists possible brake then depping on how hard you hit but stop braking your stuff or other peoples stuff, beat the crap out of the punching bag till you cant throw another punch, talk if you fell like it swear kuss, take all your aggression out on the punching bag, I went 45 mins one time and slept like a baby after words. one more tip on mental management dont think about what you dont want to happen focus on what you want to happen, here if the magic key to life what ever though you hold uppermost in your mind is the reality that you will come to live. have you read the secret? if not go get and read it learn it live it love it. Stop looking and keep in mind what ever you reflect is what you get. Think and act like the person you want to attrack. I could go on for ever and there is alway the age of favorit, to get out of the troubles of your own mind get into some one elses, We seem to get more from helping others, at that is what I have come to know. this is therapy for me also, till then stay cool be ice not fire god speed.

Gadget, are you going to try therapy?

Hi, Gadget, I've been looking at your posts. I have had a long history of rage...and out-ragings. I have been in therapy for some time for it and depression now. One of the important things that I have been learning is that anger is a valid feeling. It is there for a reason. Yet when it becomes unmanaged raging episodes like I have had...they DO feel like they will consume me...swallow me whole...cause me to harm myself or someone else. And in my past I've done both, usually with my uncontrolled tongue! As you know, it isn't a pretty thing! And it does cause problems with every relationship we have.

The first thing that finally was something that I began to learn (with help) is that feelings really won't kill you. They just are! Neither bad nor good...they just are. The problem is in just letting the feeling pass through you without taking action on it. Think back to what triggered the anger/rage. Some trigger...outside or inside of my head occurred, and it triggered a THOUGHT.
For people like, I imagine, you and I, the event went from trigger to outraging behavior without thought, or so we may think. In reality, the trigger...triggers THOUGHT and it is what we do with the thought that dictates our reaction. I never dreamed that there was this nanosecond period of thought that passes through me every time before the explosions occurred. It is what I do with the THOUGHT that makes...or ruins my day. We don't have to act on every thought that passes through our heads. The important thing is to put the thought into the equation: trigger + thought + evaluation of the thought = how we choose to react. It is a hard thing to learn, but there is that space of time in which we can take the very triggered thought and make a split decision to react...or...not react, and instead consider a better plan of action. I hope that you will not be so hard on yourself. YOU are alright! YOU are a valuable...and I imagine very caring and sensitive person according to what I've read. Find a good therapist...get on the internet and find a good Anger Management course...there are some good ones out there. And above all...don't throw the baby out with the bath. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY. You indicate such a passionate desire to get better so that you can have a good relationship one day. Keep up the good work! My best to you...sincerely!

Hello Everyone,

It has been a very tough week for me. I collapsed at work on Tuesday and was hospitalized. I blacked out for over 45 minutes.

They ran bunches of tests on me and found nothing to be wrong with my head, but said that I had some irregularities with my blood samples. I was released, but have to go back for some followup visits.

While in the hospital I had a Psyc consult and they prescribed me some stuff to sleep and help with the anxiety and stress.

I have not had any anger episodes lately, but I think I'm having some serious problems with depression now.

My ex in now completely moved out (with her children), so I'm happy for her, but now I'm alone in the house and now my health has become a problem.

I'm going to continue with my therapy and I tried going to church this morning, but it was not a good experience.

I thank everyone for their insights and kind words - I feel this is going to be a long road to recovery and I feel very alone.

Gadget

wow, gadget, if i didn't know any better, i'd swear you were my brother! he has quite a bit of rage issues as well. one thing that he figured out a few years ago, is that he has ADD (because i have ADD and i encouraged him to see a doctor), and he started taking medication for it and that has helped a lot. he still has rages, because he just will not work through his past (sounds like you and my brother have VERY similar lives!) and he bottles it all up until he explodes... but it happens a lot less frequently and usually with a lot less destruction now. anyway, his is a long story and i'm not sure the details are relevant, except to say you and he sound a lot alike.

and to be honest, i used to have some pretty severe anger issues as well. taking ADD meds has helped me tremendously, but what has helped even more, was making time for STRESS RELIEF!!! a punching bag is a fantastic idea. so is running, rollerblading, biking, rock climbing... great mental relief too - when you are beating on the punching bag you're beating the crap out of your issues... with running, rollerblading, biking, rock climbing, you're leaving your problems far behind you... stuff like that. plus, exercising produces endorphins, which make us feel better. another great stress relief is music. sometimes i'll just turn up the stereo on my favorite music and either sing really loud, or i'll dance until i feel better (or until i'm too tired to remember why i was upset!). i have a piano and sometimes i'll just go and play really loud and fast until i feel better... sounds simple and dumb, but it works for me. find something you like to do, and use it to help relieve your stress. most important thing i do for stress relief is pray... outloud... it's amazing how many problems i find i can solve just by talking about them outloud to God. you mentioned that you felt God had abandoned you, but maybe He's been trying to talk to you and you've been to busy feeling angry and stressed to notice. He could just waiting for YOU to talk to Him!

sorry this might sound kind of scattered... i don't have a whole lot of time this evening... but i read your posts and felt moved by your situation and i just wanted to share some of what's worked for me. i hope things get better for you. :)

Thanks Sannah,

I am affraid of being alone. I'm affriad of not having someone to share and depend on. I know I should be self sufficient and learn how to depend on myself (which I think I do), but it's nice to understand that someone else cares.

I know how to shop alone, eat alone, drink alone, go to shows, etc., but I'm affraid of growing old alone. I affriad of doing all of this and not having someone to share it with. I want to matter.

I'm jealous - I'm jealous of the people that get to experience love, that get to experience true good friendship, that have un faulting devotion and faith. I understand that they work at it and it isn't easy, but they don't do it alone and they make progress - I work and try and I get pain and disappointment as my progress.

I want to build something that going to last (a friendship and a relationship)

Gadget

Man, I can't give you an answer. cuz I don't have one. but let me just tell you that I've been feeling exactly the way you feel. all I want is "BEING NORMAL". (please, people, don't come up w/ 'find your own happiness in life. no body's normal!' B.S.) at the end of the day, all I want is some love. you know what's really depressing? some might laugh at this. I don't blame. u know one of those TV shows like "Cops", "Dog The Bounty Hunter". if you watch those shows, I noticed all those low life drug dealing, gun shooting criminals in the rock bottom of society even have girlfriends and boyfriends and wives and husbands and children and families and friends.... that really depress the s**t out of me. sorry for the language but that's what it is. never harm no one. never lie to no one. but this is what I'm getting? which is nothing, nobody, no love, none. makes me upset again. but Gadget, I'm just letting you again that I feel you man. I feel you.

Hi Dame, sounds like you didn't get the love that you needed from your parents?

HI,
I am surprised no one posted this (didn't read all the posts I admit.. but most) but exercise works wonders to calm me down. A long walk is almost medatative (no headphones it clouds the mind). Keeping really busy, I mean a really active life with little free time helps. Don't laugh but I swear to god volunteering with the needy makes you feel very loved and appreciated. When I was a nurse I tried to be so kind to people and the love they sent back was wonderful. It helps to have lots of friends but getting lots of friends takes a lot of hard work. I have one good friend at the moment and and about three occasional friends (too busy for more at the moment)
My sister used to cut herslef to try and get rid of the bad feelings she was having and to try and get herself feeling normal again. My Dad was beaten frequently as a child and had rage and depression all his life. My dad's life had been very, very bad. His rage scared people and me when I was young. I definitely think he was always on the hyper defense mode ready for an attack at any moment (stemming from his childhood)
I was a total loser at high school and lonely- I seriously think only half the people in high school ever enjoy it. I have always hated bully's as does my whole family. My father would always stand up for the little guy. Sounds like from your experiences that you can be really empathetic and understand the underdog.
Sounds like you are a beaten down dog, very fearful and at any moment when you think you are about to get hurt you attack first with full force. I am absolutely no expert here at all- just my humble opinion. Also, Synthroid was lifechanging for me- it totally regulated my moods (I had been having panic attacks)
I would only be worried if you were exhibiting such anger and were ok with it. My heart breaks for you. You sound angry but instead really seem sad. Thankfully, I have hit enough low points in my life to realize that there are ups and downs and with time- (if you truly have hit bottom) you have no where to go but up. Ok, now I'll shut up. Good luck!

Opps, sorry, I read more posts and there was one on exercising- I wasn't the original genius I thought myself to be:)

Alot has been going on since I last posted. I've been in the hospital twice and I've attempted suicide once. I have been diagonsed with a Bipolar Disorder and Clinical Depression.

I am in a in patient program to work on my medicines, mood and communication. I haven't been able to work since the attempt, so that is weighing heavily on me as well.

This has been a tough couple of months for me and now dealing with the Bipolar Disorder - it is good to know what is wrong with me, but I have a difficult time with the "WHY ME?"

Gadget.

Sannah, I have missed talking to you.

Good luck Gadget,
My sister has been diagnosed with Bipolar for years now. It's sad to see her up's and down's. Our understanding is the older you get the less it affects you. She is doing much better now. I think I maybe wrong here but the most common illness in America is mental illness. Seems like everyone has something- they just don't talk about it.
All the best! People do care about others in this life- even strangers...

Hi Gadget!!!! Well, let's keep talking then. I have often wondered how you have been doing. Sorry that these last few months have been tough for you. I am glad to hear that you are getting help though. Please keep posting! (Maybe we should talk on the depression board?)