corina64
07-03-2007, 03:37 AM
Hello, I am sorry that I have not written in a long time a lot has been happening and I haven't had time :dizzy: My husband has returned home and it is not going well at all. The no contact order has been lifted because he said all of the right things to come home and now he is acting up again. He is on anti-depressants and was drinking tonight. I said something on the phone that he shouldn't have taken the wrong way and he blew up
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. I am so hurt I don't know what to do??? He said that he wouldn't drink a lot when he came home and now..... He is getting bad again.. It is Not only the PTSD it is a whole lot of other things... What do I do?? He is suppose to be coming home and tomorrow and I don't know what to do??? He is fine when he doesn't drink, but he told me tonight that if I wasn't okay with his drinking our marriage is over.... I won't be okay with his drinking after what happened and I think that him being on the anti-depressant and drinking is making everything worse.... What am I going to do??? I e-mailed the combat stress person. It is 1:30 am and I don't want to waste my life on this... I was starting to get my life back together and he did this again and I feel like I am on a roller coster that is out of control.. I love my husband very much, but I don't know how much I can take??? Thank you everyone and I don't care how busy I am going to keep in touch... I need boards and everyone is so helpful.... Any advice would be great.. Thank you everyone :angel:
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. I am so hurt I don't know what to do??? He said that he wouldn't drink a lot when he came home and now..... He is getting bad again.. It is Not only the PTSD it is a whole lot of other things... What do I do?? He is suppose to be coming home and tomorrow and I don't know what to do??? He is fine when he doesn't drink, but he told me tonight that if I wasn't okay with his drinking our marriage is over.... I won't be okay with his drinking after what happened and I think that him being on the anti-depressant and drinking is making everything worse.... What am I going to do??? I e-mailed the combat stress person. It is 1:30 am and I don't want to waste my life on this... I was starting to get my life back together and he did this again and I feel like I am on a roller coster that is out of control.. I love my husband very much, but I don't know how much I can take??? Thank you everyone and I don't care how busy I am going to keep in touch... I need boards and everyone is so helpful.... Any advice would be great.. Thank you everyone :angel:
Sponsor
ICC
07-03-2007, 06:17 AM
Hi corina.....nice to see you but not under these circumstances. I can't tell you what to do I can only tell you what I did. My first husband was an alcoholic with PTSD. A Viet Nam Vet. He never sought help for any of it so I did. First I dealt with and educated myself on alcoholism and MY co-dependency.Statements like " I'm going to drink and if you don't like it our marriage is over" I heard many times in the 22 years we were married. He was right. He kept drinking, turning the house and our family upside down and YES our marriage was over. I was the one who finally left. 15+ years later he is still an alcoholic and happy with it. I am re-married and have a good life free of violence and abuse. Your husband is using a form of manipulation on you. The fact that you love him makes it soooooo much harder. His issues are not yours. His will stop you from dealing with yours. When you have 2 people, and neither is funcioning in a healthy manner it is a no win situation. I'm sorry I can't help you BUT am here to support you in whatever you do.
Grasshopper
Grasshopper
corina64
07-03-2007, 01:36 PM
Thank you Grasshopper, I really need as much support as I can get right now! I do have a question and anyone can answer.... Did you ever think about another man when you had problems with your spouse??? I should be so glad that my husband is home, but when he does this stuff I crave positive male attention and I am not sure why??? I have a friend in the Marines and he wrote me a letter and he supports me 100%, he is single and when he left so was I... I had put my husband out of my mind and heart because he said that he didn't want anything to do with me... So, basically, I moved on... Now I feel like I am taking twenty steps the other direction and I am not happy because I feel so tortured by my husbands problems because he takes it out on me. All the time!! I know I still love him, but it is not as strong. I find myself thinking about my friend a lot. The last time that I saw him we were both single, I was married but my husband did not live at home or want anything to do with me or our daughter so I thought it was safe to explore my options and see if I wanted to be with him. My friend was always there for me emotionally and supported me when my husband was suppose to, so now I am torn. There is no relationship with my friend besides friendship, but in the back of my mind I wonder what it would be like to be with a man that really wanted me and I was not enemy #1.... I know this sound horrible and I feel like a bad wife for having these thoughts but they are always there. I got a letter from my friend yesterday and even though he is busy being a Marine he takes time for me and I am not used to that and it feels so good to be remebered and loved for me..... I know my husband is going through a lot and I have done everything that I can do, but he has done nothing. He said all the right things to come home and he is not doing anything that he said he would or wouldn't... Basically, the drinking, he told me that it would not happen only on occasion and then it went to once a week now twice a week. He told me that if I had a problem with it then our marriage was over... Over alcohol?? That made me feel really good.. Now, I think that is why these thoughts are poping up about my friend. I know that it is not the right time to be in a relationship, but I am just craving some positive attention.. Anyway, thank you all for your support, you all are the best :bouncing:
Corina
Corina
isitme
07-03-2007, 07:04 PM
I'll own up to thinking of other men when times were rough (- 100% of my married life)! Serioulsy, marriage is a two way street. Don't feel too guilty for having feelings/thoughts of someone else. My love died long before the marriage ended. I wish I had had the courage to have got out earlier now. Sorry you're having such a hard time of it. Everyone is only responsible for their own actions, not the actions of others.
ICC
07-04-2007, 06:12 AM
Morning all.....:)
Corina, Yes i had thoughts of other men many times through my married life. I met my husband in '68, marrie dhim in '72, moved out of our home in '92, divorce was finalized in '94. Long time to be alone with a man whose alcohol addiction took front seat over his wife and children. Towards the end I supported all of us. He made a few $ for his booze. I only made enough at the time to support us in the house since the bills were very low. My main reason for not moving out sooner. My turnin gpoint was when He was in a horrible car accient, he was driving drunk. One the his friends died, the other has permanent disalibilities to both legs. I stood by him. 3 months later he drove drunk again. I knew that day I would leave as soon as I could. it took me 14 years. Through that time I craved male company and sought it but only on a friendship level. For lack of time ( 3 kids and working full time) , I guess my morals jumped in, BUT mainly he was so violent attimes and always threatened to kill me if I stayed I never pursued anything. I would #1 keep your penpal but try to keep it at that. never leave one man for another. You need time to be alone in the meantime to bcome your own person without a man. 2) I feel you need some one on one counseling in co-dependency to break this cycle for yourself. Love him? Yes I could tell you I still have some lovein my heart for my first husband. Not the kind I have for mmy husband now. But all the sa,e heis the father of my kids and was a sick man when I met him. I do hold him accountable for his abuse and allactions that tore our family apart. Best advise I can give you is to seek help for yourself. Sometimes when they see a cahnge in us they change . Other times as in my case I gained the strength and know how to et out of a really bad life and find a better one for me. Best of luck Corina, bit JMO, it's time you stopped living your life around what HE says and does and take care of you and your needs.
Grasshopper
Corina, Yes i had thoughts of other men many times through my married life. I met my husband in '68, marrie dhim in '72, moved out of our home in '92, divorce was finalized in '94. Long time to be alone with a man whose alcohol addiction took front seat over his wife and children. Towards the end I supported all of us. He made a few $ for his booze. I only made enough at the time to support us in the house since the bills were very low. My main reason for not moving out sooner. My turnin gpoint was when He was in a horrible car accient, he was driving drunk. One the his friends died, the other has permanent disalibilities to both legs. I stood by him. 3 months later he drove drunk again. I knew that day I would leave as soon as I could. it took me 14 years. Through that time I craved male company and sought it but only on a friendship level. For lack of time ( 3 kids and working full time) , I guess my morals jumped in, BUT mainly he was so violent attimes and always threatened to kill me if I stayed I never pursued anything. I would #1 keep your penpal but try to keep it at that. never leave one man for another. You need time to be alone in the meantime to bcome your own person without a man. 2) I feel you need some one on one counseling in co-dependency to break this cycle for yourself. Love him? Yes I could tell you I still have some lovein my heart for my first husband. Not the kind I have for mmy husband now. But all the sa,e heis the father of my kids and was a sick man when I met him. I do hold him accountable for his abuse and allactions that tore our family apart. Best advise I can give you is to seek help for yourself. Sometimes when they see a cahnge in us they change . Other times as in my case I gained the strength and know how to et out of a really bad life and find a better one for me. Best of luck Corina, bit JMO, it's time you stopped living your life around what HE says and does and take care of you and your needs.
Grasshopper
corina64
07-06-2007, 08:47 AM
Thank you for your reply again :) I think that I am at my turning point already, I see through all the crap he is pulling again.... His family which also abused me is coming back into the scene full force and I can't believe the crap they are pulling again. They call when we are in the middle of stuff and ruin what would be a good day.... They are really interfering with our marriage recovery and I know it is on purpose and my husband does nothing about it and keeps letting it happen. I can't even work on the weekends and I feel trapped!!!! The abuse, not being able to do anything, dealing with his anger from PTSD and alcohol, and everything in the middle of that is taking its toll and he has only returned home for a month! I just think that if one month can be this bad then its time..... I have to talk to the military people about his tyraid on Monday and I know that I can't be his mother anymore. Now, that I have broken the co-dependancy I see that I am a mother and not a wife..... The courts gave him a break and let him come home and he doesn't care about us only his booze, mom, dad, brother and telling me everything that I am doing wrong.... I know that I could be easily sucked back into co-dependency and I don't want to go there again. He is scary, mean and selfish and the bad part about it is that he knows that he is doing it. I also know that he is lying again!!!! He said that he only had three beers the night he was mean to me, I know it was more... I can't believe this!! Anyway, I am just so hurt, dissapointed and sick or the crap!! He knows what he is doing and that is the worst part about it!
Corina
Corina
ICC
07-06-2007, 09:43 AM
Hi Corina....I am so sorry you are going through this again. You're right, WIFE NOT MOTHER! The only thing that concerns me is when you say you have broken the co-depency issue but beers are being counted. That is a part of co-dependency. Since he is drinking and making it clear to you that his alcohol is the most important thing in his life it shouldn't matter if he had 3 beers or 20. Hold your ground and take care of you. Between him andhis family there is too much dysfunction being thrown into your life.
ICC
ICC
beka6
07-06-2007, 03:10 PM
Hi Corina,
Sorry it's taken me so long to post about this! I agree with ICC, there is some co-dependancy stuff here. Have you ever attended a CODA meeting? This might be a good place for you to get some additional support.
As far as your husband is concerned... every relationship needs to have a few non-negotiables, such as fidelity, respect and no abuse. One of those non-negotiables for a functional relationship needs to be substance abuse. You have a problem with his drinking- you've told him this. If he won't respect that and continues to put his alcoholic desires before your needs as a wife and human being, then he doesn't deserve you. You have to take care of yourself. Set your non-negotiables and stick with them. You are perfectly valid in your concerns and your feelings. You love your husband and want to stick by him, but you need to love YOURSELF more right now! You aren't in a position to pull him out of the mud right now - he will just end up pulling you in.
Keep us all posted on how things are going!
Beka
Sorry it's taken me so long to post about this! I agree with ICC, there is some co-dependancy stuff here. Have you ever attended a CODA meeting? This might be a good place for you to get some additional support.
As far as your husband is concerned... every relationship needs to have a few non-negotiables, such as fidelity, respect and no abuse. One of those non-negotiables for a functional relationship needs to be substance abuse. You have a problem with his drinking- you've told him this. If he won't respect that and continues to put his alcoholic desires before your needs as a wife and human being, then he doesn't deserve you. You have to take care of yourself. Set your non-negotiables and stick with them. You are perfectly valid in your concerns and your feelings. You love your husband and want to stick by him, but you need to love YOURSELF more right now! You aren't in a position to pull him out of the mud right now - he will just end up pulling you in.
Keep us all posted on how things are going!
Beka
corina64
07-08-2007, 03:12 AM
Thank you Grasshopper and Beka for your support again!!! Sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore! There are times that I want to throw in the towel and just say forget it!!! I know that there are co-dependancy issues there always are when there are health problems with one member of the family.... The whole family gets sick... I found another trigger today and all of the build up of this week since Monday just set me off! I hadn't really lost it in a long time and I did today! I don't want to be like this anymore!!! I want to be loved for me! I guess I have to wait it out and see, but I don't know how much longer.... I watched Walk the Line a movie about Johnny Cash and it was a mirror of what my life has been like for the last year and I still can't get over the sadness..... Maybe, it is my PTSD or maybe I just finally saw????? Thanks again everyone :)
Corina
Corina
corina64
07-09-2007, 06:58 PM
Thanks again for all of your support. I am trying to have better days, and not get set off so easily. I am in the process of looking for a job because of my husbands little escapade we are in "BIG" trouble. I am finding out that there are a lot of horrible things that go along with PTSD. It is not bad enough that we are both suffering from it, but now we are two steps away from losing everything!!! I am so scared today and that set me off I just lost it! I am scared of losing everything that we worked our whole marriage for and now we are fighting about money and that makes everything a million times worse. We don't have any savings left and we are in debt up to our eyeballs... I just feel like crap because of everything... Has anyone else experienced this??? I am going to call the credit card companies and give them the 411. I am just praying for a full-time job and soon :angel:
Lost-in-Time
07-09-2007, 08:05 PM
Good luck, my thoughts are with you and I will be praying for you and thinking of you....
corina64
07-09-2007, 10:47 PM
Thank you lost in time :) It really feels good to have support :) I just feel so lost with all of this... I just don't know what to do anymore??? We can't get ahead for anything we are sinking like the titanic............ I just am praying for a miracle... Something good has to come from this.
Corina
Corina