Survivor 1957
07-04-2007, 12:39 AM
I have been to the doctors 3 times last week, 2 times the week before, new meds, being honest with the doc and I thought I was doing better...:)
My dear friend tells me yesterday that I seem to be very angry and negative these days. It took me by surprise.. He pointed out numerous times in 48 hours that I either was angry about or had a negative response.:confused:
I tried not to become defensive and tried listen to what he said with out getting angry. I did not like hearing this from some one I care about. I do trust this person and that made it even harder to hear.. I just did not realize how I sounded to other people..he feels that I need to be told the truth, and a friend will tell you the truth.
Some times I do not think the truth is the best thing to hear. I thought I was improving and it sounds like I just thought I was.
I am trying so hard to keep the rage down, the meds do not seem to be helping, I read the printout on the meds and they say it can take 5-6 weeks for the meds to work the right way.. I hope they help soon:(
k
My dear friend tells me yesterday that I seem to be very angry and negative these days. It took me by surprise.. He pointed out numerous times in 48 hours that I either was angry about or had a negative response.:confused:
I tried not to become defensive and tried listen to what he said with out getting angry. I did not like hearing this from some one I care about. I do trust this person and that made it even harder to hear.. I just did not realize how I sounded to other people..he feels that I need to be told the truth, and a friend will tell you the truth.
Some times I do not think the truth is the best thing to hear. I thought I was improving and it sounds like I just thought I was.
I am trying so hard to keep the rage down, the meds do not seem to be helping, I read the printout on the meds and they say it can take 5-6 weeks for the meds to work the right way.. I hope they help soon:(
k
Sponsor
isitme
07-04-2007, 05:14 AM
Sometimes it takes - being told the truth, for us to see how we are behaving through the eyes of another. I think you'll be glad he told you in the long run because now you know there is some behaviour in you that needs changing. And you have to see what is wrong in order to put it right. (ptsd is all about 2 steps forward, 1 step back). We're all getting there slowly. Try not to be so hard on yourself. :)
ICC
07-04-2007, 06:18 AM
Morning K.....I totally agree with isitme. I had my closest friend tell me years ago after being on Prozac for 6 weeks that she couldn't stand being around me because I was very combative all the time. I stopped taking it , calmed down but still at times had these "anger attacks". Alot of time they were legitimate as someone had really pissed me off but others were memories and feelings that were bottled up and brought out an angry demeanor in me that all around me noticed. We talka bout anger all the time here. It is one of the single most important issues that will stop our progess in healing.
Grasshopper
Grasshopper
Survivor 1957
07-04-2007, 08:28 AM
It is very hard, this getting healthy thing.... I have tried so hard not to have the anger and mistrust, I really thought I was doing better. To have it pointed out that I am in fact worse was a blow. :(
I know I still am not sleeping more than 4 hours at a time and could blame some of this on sleep depravation, but I know in my heart that is a cop out.
It was just so hard to hear it from some one that I care for, he came so far to check on me, (he was worried) I must of sounded pretty ruff on the phone, and not much better in person. I do belive I will listen to him and try to make a more conscious effort to look at the glass half full instead of half empty, I use to be the one that nothing bothered now its a lot different.. I truly want that person back with the half full glass.
Well I guess it gives me and my therapist something to work on, (like we did not have enough);)
k
I know I still am not sleeping more than 4 hours at a time and could blame some of this on sleep depravation, but I know in my heart that is a cop out.
It was just so hard to hear it from some one that I care for, he came so far to check on me, (he was worried) I must of sounded pretty ruff on the phone, and not much better in person. I do belive I will listen to him and try to make a more conscious effort to look at the glass half full instead of half empty, I use to be the one that nothing bothered now its a lot different.. I truly want that person back with the half full glass.
Well I guess it gives me and my therapist something to work on, (like we did not have enough);)
k
ICC
07-04-2007, 08:51 AM
Hi K....Please don't slight yourself. IT IS HARD! to say the elast. Lack o fsleep adds to the mix so do meds if you're having side effects. My worst side effect to ALL SSR"S is aggitation. That' why I don't take them adn my PCP won't even think o fprescribing them anymore. When I get depressed I'm on my own. I understand what a blow this was to you . It was my closest friend of 26 years who brought it to my attention. Counselor asked me once if I thought I was having anger attacks and not panic attacks. Boy when i tell you a light bulb went off. She was right. Once I knew this it was so much easier for me to spot it quickly and get a handle on it. Mention this to your therapist and see what he thinks. Best of luck.
Grasshopper
Grasshopper
Survivor 1957
07-04-2007, 08:58 AM
grasshopper,
somuch to talk to so little time come to mind when i think about my next appointment with the therapist...:dizzy: I am in this for the long run, thanks
k
somuch to talk to so little time come to mind when i think about my next appointment with the therapist...:dizzy: I am in this for the long run, thanks
k
Dee-nah
07-04-2007, 11:52 AM
ICC, is right, we talk about anger all the time.. I think it comes along with PTSD... I'm learing myself how to control my anger issues,it's probably one the hardest things to beat, honestly you can't get better until you learn how to deal with it.. I'm not quite there yet but I'm making progress.. I wish you the best of luck... I definitely use this board when I get angry and in no time I see the situation in a different angle, it takes time but I see it..
Survivor 1957
07-04-2007, 12:26 PM
I agree that anger is one of the by products of PTSD. It is such an ugly thing, the worst of it is I do not realize I'm in that mode till its to late. I come out with a comment that I want to pull back in my mouth the second its out...
My therapist said I should keep a diary of sorts and every day right something positive in it, he said in time I would be able to write down a lot of things. To start slow and see how it goes. I guess I should listen to him...
I also will talk to the dr to see if it may be the meds, or maybe I have not been on the meds long enough to see a difference. like I said, I am in it for the long haul.
k
My therapist said I should keep a diary of sorts and every day right something positive in it, he said in time I would be able to write down a lot of things. To start slow and see how it goes. I guess I should listen to him...
I also will talk to the dr to see if it may be the meds, or maybe I have not been on the meds long enough to see a difference. like I said, I am in it for the long haul.
k
Dee-nah
07-04-2007, 12:58 PM
That is good that you have so much determination... I'ts inspiring, I like hearing people going for it, makes me want to go for it that much more...
Lost-in-Time
07-04-2007, 07:26 PM
Wow, I'm just the opposite. I rarely get angry. The T was always trying to get me to find anger because he said it had to be in there (since it is so closely associated with PTSD) but I don't show it. He said I HAD to be angry about things in the past and people who should have protected me and didn't, etc....but I just don't feel it...or if I do, I hide it somewhere and don't know that I do (according to him)
Survivor 1957
07-04-2007, 10:33 PM
The odd thing is I am not angry at the things I should be angry at. I seem to be letting the stuff that has nothing to do with my "issues" get me all upset. :dizzy:
My friend pointed this out to me after family left the house the other night. He quoted numerous things I had said and they were all either negative statements or me being angry...then of course I tried not to become angry at him for being a friend and pointing this out to me. I found myself gripping the chair I was sitting in so hard my knuckles were white. i trust this person, he is the only one i really trust and for him to pint this out to me was devastating.
I am not sure if it is easier for me to be angry at the little things so I do not have to work on the important issues in my life. I do know now that I have a lot of work to do.:(
k
My friend pointed this out to me after family left the house the other night. He quoted numerous things I had said and they were all either negative statements or me being angry...then of course I tried not to become angry at him for being a friend and pointing this out to me. I found myself gripping the chair I was sitting in so hard my knuckles were white. i trust this person, he is the only one i really trust and for him to pint this out to me was devastating.
I am not sure if it is easier for me to be angry at the little things so I do not have to work on the important issues in my life. I do know now that I have a lot of work to do.:(
k
ICC
07-05-2007, 07:49 AM
Morning K.....I think you're last paragraph hit the nail on the head. I used to find myself angry, irritated and aggitated all the time. It seemed everything bothered me. Behind it all was the PTSD and the reasons I had it. You're on the right path. Yes it is a lot of hard work and determination.
ICC
ICC
Survivor 1957
07-05-2007, 08:36 AM
Morning Icc,
Were Is Sid With Her Bat When We Need It:) I Do Not See My Therapist Till Next Week Due To The Holiday, This Board Helps Me Get Through The Dark Times.
Anger Is Not Good, Now That It Has Been Put In My Face I Have No Choice, I Have To Work On It. I Can Not Ignore The Problem. I Go Back To Work Today After 6 Days Off, I Will Be Training A New Kid, God Knows I Do Not Want To Scare Him With My Anger.
I Need To Try To Start The Note Book On What I Like . Funny Thing Is Its Not As Easy As It Sounds..
K
Were Is Sid With Her Bat When We Need It:) I Do Not See My Therapist Till Next Week Due To The Holiday, This Board Helps Me Get Through The Dark Times.
Anger Is Not Good, Now That It Has Been Put In My Face I Have No Choice, I Have To Work On It. I Can Not Ignore The Problem. I Go Back To Work Today After 6 Days Off, I Will Be Training A New Kid, God Knows I Do Not Want To Scare Him With My Anger.
I Need To Try To Start The Note Book On What I Like . Funny Thing Is Its Not As Easy As It Sounds..
K
ICC
07-05-2007, 08:44 AM
Hi k....I am wishing you the best. i remember having to train new people and always thought "God please, help me to be patient" K...writing has been a tool I'v eused for a long time. I write and read it again and again, I have written to my abusers and then had a burning ritual. Either way writing especially the anger out has always helped me. Good luck today.
ICC
ICC
Survivor 1957
07-05-2007, 08:54 AM
icc
I am on these new meds and hope they are like magic pills and help me keep the anger in... but I am not that foolish to totaly belive it, My big issues today is it is 4th of july week and the tourists are here (we go from15,000 to 65,ooo people) and the kid I will be working with does not know what he is doing yet. When the "stuff" hits the fan and I am real busy with emergencies I do not want to lose my temper with a 19 year old green kid that is here to learn what it is like to be in emergency service. I am so AFRAID that I will get upset and try to hold it back and then get a panic attack.:(
k
I am on these new meds and hope they are like magic pills and help me keep the anger in... but I am not that foolish to totaly belive it, My big issues today is it is 4th of july week and the tourists are here (we go from15,000 to 65,ooo people) and the kid I will be working with does not know what he is doing yet. When the "stuff" hits the fan and I am real busy with emergencies I do not want to lose my temper with a 19 year old green kid that is here to learn what it is like to be in emergency service. I am so AFRAID that I will get upset and try to hold it back and then get a panic attack.:(
k
Sannah
07-05-2007, 12:18 PM
K, how about the possibility that you have disregarded your anger your whole life (this is why you don't react angrily in the moment to things that are occurring right now) but anger builds and then you have no choice but to be angry all the time because you are holding it all in.
Lost, I agree with your therapist. Maybe this is why you cannot tell anyone how you feel (including yourself) because you have been pushing that anger down your whole life and it has made you numb. I'll bet you couldn't express yourself growing up, especially anger?
Lost, I agree with your therapist. Maybe this is why you cannot tell anyone how you feel (including yourself) because you have been pushing that anger down your whole life and it has made you numb. I'll bet you couldn't express yourself growing up, especially anger?
ICC
07-05-2007, 01:12 PM
Sannah....I agree with you on both notes.
ICC
ICC
Survivor 1957
07-06-2007, 12:16 AM
well guys i chickened out. i called in sick to work. i have only done this 2 times in 20 years when i have not really been sick. i started thinking about not being able to be in control of my suroundings and panic set in. i am schedualed in in the afternoon on fri, wish me luck
k
k
ICC
07-06-2007, 07:36 AM
K......I used to call them "mental health days". Didn't so it often but had days I just knew I couldn't do it. Maybe my tolerance level was zilch on those days. It didn't hurt me it made me think more about stepping up to the plate and taking my issues by the hand the next time I felt like that.
ICC
ICC
beka6
07-06-2007, 03:29 PM
K, how about the possibility that you have disregarded your anger your whole life (this is why you don't react angrily in the moment to things that are occurring right now) but anger builds and then you have no choice but to be angry all the time because you are holding it all in.
Lost, I agree with your therapist. Maybe this is why you cannot tell anyone how you feel (including yourself) because you have been pushing that anger down your whole life and it has made you numb. I'll bet you couldn't express yourself growing up, especially anger?
Sannah, I totally agree with this. This has been the biggest struggle for me in therapy lately.
Anger can be a great motivator, but if we keep it all in because we are shamed into believing that it's weak to show anger, then we will slowly kill off pieces of ourselves. We owe it to ourselves to learn a different, more healthy way.
Beka
Lost, I agree with your therapist. Maybe this is why you cannot tell anyone how you feel (including yourself) because you have been pushing that anger down your whole life and it has made you numb. I'll bet you couldn't express yourself growing up, especially anger?
Sannah, I totally agree with this. This has been the biggest struggle for me in therapy lately.
Anger can be a great motivator, but if we keep it all in because we are shamed into believing that it's weak to show anger, then we will slowly kill off pieces of ourselves. We owe it to ourselves to learn a different, more healthy way.
Beka
Survivor 1957
07-06-2007, 07:30 PM
hi everyone,
i made it to work today, 1/2 way through the shift, 82 degrees in the office due to no a/c, and this is not helping me with trying to stay calm. the power went out, lost radios, computers did not rebute right away...now i am on my dinner break and the thunder and lightening is real bad...i do not think this is a good night to have come back to work.
the side of my head is pounding and i am trying real hard not to let the pain in my chest take over. i wll talk to you all soon.
k
i made it to work today, 1/2 way through the shift, 82 degrees in the office due to no a/c, and this is not helping me with trying to stay calm. the power went out, lost radios, computers did not rebute right away...now i am on my dinner break and the thunder and lightening is real bad...i do not think this is a good night to have come back to work.
the side of my head is pounding and i am trying real hard not to let the pain in my chest take over. i wll talk to you all soon.
k
Dee-nah
07-08-2007, 07:27 PM
Please keep up posted on how your doing...
Survivor 1957
07-08-2007, 09:12 PM
I worked 3 out of 4 shifts, I go on days off now. between being 80-85 degrees in dispatch adn being so dam busy I did not have time to be agry at the new kid. Even when he messed up and lost a call I had no time to get involved. I had to fix the problem and go on....now I am off and very worn out. I am hoping this is a good sign that I wont lose my temper. I just hope this is not the begining of a depression time that hits after a stressful period.
k
k