isitme
07-06-2007, 08:28 AM
Picking up of what you said, icc
"Hi all............In reading this thread I've realized how many years I was a robot. I understand and have experienced most of what all of youtalk about but it is so far in the past for me I have no words of wisdom. I guess I just kept plugging along, did what I had to do everyday and ignored what I was going through"
It's only over the last couple of years or so that I can say I felt exactly the same as you (and did so for 20 years +) :eek: How scary. So to my next question. How long do people limp along, not knowing, not seeking help and guidance or therapy? Although I still can't pinpoint where it started, I definately know it was many, many years ago! No one can fix themselves IF they have no idea that they are broken and it seems to creep up on you so gradually. Thank goodness for the internet and all of you!
(also icc, in hindsight do you think it was a symptom of ptsd or the result of your x? Just wondering as it sounds like we both had similar). :dizzy:
"Hi all............In reading this thread I've realized how many years I was a robot. I understand and have experienced most of what all of youtalk about but it is so far in the past for me I have no words of wisdom. I guess I just kept plugging along, did what I had to do everyday and ignored what I was going through"
It's only over the last couple of years or so that I can say I felt exactly the same as you (and did so for 20 years +) :eek: How scary. So to my next question. How long do people limp along, not knowing, not seeking help and guidance or therapy? Although I still can't pinpoint where it started, I definately know it was many, many years ago! No one can fix themselves IF they have no idea that they are broken and it seems to creep up on you so gradually. Thank goodness for the internet and all of you!
(also icc, in hindsight do you think it was a symptom of ptsd or the result of your x? Just wondering as it sounds like we both had similar). :dizzy:
Sponsor
Dee-nah
07-06-2007, 08:45 AM
I had a traumatic incident happen to me, went to the pdoc and from there it was all due to being Bipolar! My pdoc put me on Prozac which spiraled me into mania which landed me in the hospital.... This was when I was 32, I'm 33... Still a wee baby at this....
Good question, isitme!
Good question, isitme!
ICC
07-06-2007, 09:32 AM
Hi all.......JMO! I think the delay in seeing what we're going through is a result of PTSD. isitme, my PTSD stemmed from my mother BUT was not full blown until I met my first husband. So I do think his abuse is what brought it to a head and caused me years of knowing something wrong but not what it was or what to do with it. I was in therapy from the time I was 29 and finally about 4-5 years ago had a counselor who dx me. That changed it all for me. I read, educated myself on PTSD but really didn't get anwhere until I came here and started to see a PTSD counselor. In hindsight, I now know I spent most of my life since being a child in a state of no self-esteem, shame and embarrasment for what my abusers did to me and what I allowed. When your own mother doesn't like you what would that say to a child? Then your first relationship is with an abusive alcoholic told me that was all I was worth and deserved whatever I got. First I broke the cycle of co-dependency and then through alot of counseling got a grip on the PTSD and then knew what had caused the lack of self-esteem along with all of my dysfunction. Help any?
ICC
ICC
beka6
07-06-2007, 03:17 PM
There is true empowerment that comes with educating ourselves about the way we think and feel. If we are unhappy or discontented with something in our lives, we have to get to the point where we realize that we have power to change. It's a process... for me, I just realized that I was miserably weighed down with too many years of accumulated guilt and shame. I couldn't breathe.
It took 6 psychiatrists for me to finally find one that diagnosed me with PTSD. That was my turning point...
Beka
It took 6 psychiatrists for me to finally find one that diagnosed me with PTSD. That was my turning point...
Beka
Lost-in-Time
07-06-2007, 04:34 PM
Stupid question......what is a pdoc?
ICC
07-07-2007, 07:12 AM
Lost...not a stupid question. I guessed for quite awhile since I don't use the abbreviation. I think pdoc is primary dr. and tdoc is therapy Dr. Anyone else if I'm wrong????
ICC
ICC
Survivor 1957
07-07-2007, 07:13 AM
It seems we all have a common thread, Lowe self esteem. For me it has been 30 years of sham and trying to hide it form all around me. Years of wearing a mask so no one would know that I am not in control of my life. I tried so hard not to let any one close to me ..fear they my find out that I am not perfect.
Now the group of people that know is getting bigger and it is scaring me. I do not want to be judge by anyone. I always said that I did not go to a therapist over all these years because I was afraid once I started letting out what has gone on in my life I would never stop, and the men with the white coats would come for me.
Fear and shame are the worst things for me. I to have a long road to walk. this board helps, i always though i was so alone.
K
Now the group of people that know is getting bigger and it is scaring me. I do not want to be judge by anyone. I always said that I did not go to a therapist over all these years because I was afraid once I started letting out what has gone on in my life I would never stop, and the men with the white coats would come for me.
Fear and shame are the worst things for me. I to have a long road to walk. this board helps, i always though i was so alone.
K
ICC
07-07-2007, 08:53 AM
Morning K....Yes you are a true PTSD sufferer. The low or lck of any self-esteem, shame, embarrassment, fear of being exposed, etc. all fit in. AH!! the PTSD "mask of normalacy" has been spoken of many times here in the past. We have all worn it for fear of someone finding out just what is on our minds. I remember my 1st therapist 24 years ago and each one after that. I remember at times getting very annoyed at them when they would , what I thought was judge me. The one who dx me with PTSD broke that mold for me. Thank God. Things started to fall into place, my mind accepted this as I knew I fit right into the dx. I had AD"s shoved at me to the point of making me sicker mentally and physically for years. They never helped. I know why now. I was very rarely down in the dumps and didn't suffer from depression. I was the opposite end of the spectrum. SO hyper I couldn't sit still long enough to sleep. When my therapist mentioned anger attacks and not panic attacks it was another light going off in my mind. There were too many times that someone angered me for an injustice, hurting my feelings , judging me when they knew nothing, etc. When this cleared in my mind the first few issues that angered me as calmly and determined as I could I spole gently to the person BUT told them exactly what I thought of what they were saying/doing and that they were wrong and I WOULD NOT tolerate it anymore. K...i am no longer afraid. I spent so many years afraid of my anger because the drill in my head was "OMG...what are they saying?If I answer it won'tbe nice, I'm going to explode one them, on and on" I bottled it up. Once I set boundaries and started to speak up for myself the fear went away.It's a long hard process, but once you know what you're up against and have the determination to get through it things start to sail more quickly and smoothly.
ICC
ICC
isitme
07-07-2007, 03:07 PM
Yes icc, your opinion on all ptsd matters are always helpful. I finally seem to be getting it now. So although I was ok growing up with no ptsd symptoms, full blown as you say, I *DID* have problems, but suppressed them. (shy, introvert, scared of speaking as I was always told "you shouldn't have said that" - so I shut up, almost literally. Yes my parents loved me, but I was always criticized, (as thought I had to much respect for her to answer back). So I continued in the marriage for fear of being the subject of disapproval, criticized, getting it wrong. Weak and hopeless sums me up, plodding on regardless of what I felt. And whatever action I took - it was the wrong action or taken at the wrong time. If my mum was here now and I argued the case with her, stood up for myself, which I did towards the end.........I was accused of stringing the x along or something like that.I've gone well off topic. My point was - from my experience
I was loved and talked to. It was I that took the comments as criticism. (I don't believe they were said intentionally as a way to hurt me). I internalized all the feelings. Thought nothing of x criticizing me, as I was so accustomed to it. So, as the rest of us, developed a bad self image, low self esteem, didn't feel I was worthy of anything, did nothing for fear of disapproval. And here I am.
survivor - I never had therapy all those years ago as I never knew what it was I was enduring, if that makes sense! Everyone is in control of their lives. Sometimes others push you in a direction you would rather not go, (to save the peace), but no more. All the fallout is happening because I am so much stronger now and will NOT be dictated to as regards what I should or shouldn't do.
I was loved and talked to. It was I that took the comments as criticism. (I don't believe they were said intentionally as a way to hurt me). I internalized all the feelings. Thought nothing of x criticizing me, as I was so accustomed to it. So, as the rest of us, developed a bad self image, low self esteem, didn't feel I was worthy of anything, did nothing for fear of disapproval. And here I am.
survivor - I never had therapy all those years ago as I never knew what it was I was enduring, if that makes sense! Everyone is in control of their lives. Sometimes others push you in a direction you would rather not go, (to save the peace), but no more. All the fallout is happening because I am so much stronger now and will NOT be dictated to as regards what I should or shouldn't do.
trg247
07-07-2007, 04:48 PM
Hi:
For me I thought it was normal, I thought all of the stuff that took place in my house was happening everywhere else. I mean had an idea everything was not right by my late teens when comparing childhood memories I received some funny looks. But I just pushed it away and kept going. When I started college at 27/28 for Social Work is when everything really started to unravel, we would be going through family relationships and realized my parents did almost everything wrong and those left in charge of me were even worse. Then of course a few years later I jumped off the deep end and been treading water since. I mean I was not your typical teenager I suffered long bouts with depression, self harmed and tried to kill myself a couple of times...well six times. But I was also a good athlete, did well enough in school, always had a girlfriend and lots of friends. I may have been nieve or maybe in order to survive my brain just pushed it to the side and tried to forget about.
take care
trg247
For me I thought it was normal, I thought all of the stuff that took place in my house was happening everywhere else. I mean had an idea everything was not right by my late teens when comparing childhood memories I received some funny looks. But I just pushed it away and kept going. When I started college at 27/28 for Social Work is when everything really started to unravel, we would be going through family relationships and realized my parents did almost everything wrong and those left in charge of me were even worse. Then of course a few years later I jumped off the deep end and been treading water since. I mean I was not your typical teenager I suffered long bouts with depression, self harmed and tried to kill myself a couple of times...well six times. But I was also a good athlete, did well enough in school, always had a girlfriend and lots of friends. I may have been nieve or maybe in order to survive my brain just pushed it to the side and tried to forget about.
take care
trg247
Survivor 1957
07-07-2007, 06:36 PM
The best thing about PTSD is finding this forum.
I still do not want any one to know about my secrets. I want them hidden. On one level I know it needs to come out,. But does it have to come out to every one? I don't want to have to look at the people I work with having that I know you have ptsd look in their eyes. I do not want them to pity me or make fun of me.
So I continue to wear the mask of normalcy, the mask of being in control as my life falls apart. Itry so hard not to judge others and lose my temper, it is so very hard
K
I still do not want any one to know about my secrets. I want them hidden. On one level I know it needs to come out,. But does it have to come out to every one? I don't want to have to look at the people I work with having that I know you have ptsd look in their eyes. I do not want them to pity me or make fun of me.
So I continue to wear the mask of normalcy, the mask of being in control as my life falls apart. Itry so hard not to judge others and lose my temper, it is so very hard
K
isitme
07-07-2007, 07:59 PM
I have to agree with you there, but forums aren't just for communicating with others. If anyone types their problem, that means they are dealing with it, sifting through it and finding answers. So, (to me), it makes no difference if I have talked to my hubby, my sister, this board or a therapist, (which I don't even have by the way). The point is - it has been written. I am able to go thought it at my own pace, pick it up and put it down as I feel. It doesn't matter "where it comes out". Hand on heart - I'm glad I can say I have ptsd - at least it gives questioning people a reason for WHY I act so abnormally on certain subjects. It's a whole lot easier when the mask if off, if not to others, just to admit it to yourself.
Survivor 1957
07-07-2007, 10:22 PM
isitme
I agree that you have to admit it to your self first before you can move on to others. I am still having issues with the fact that I am not whole. I guess that is why it is easier to talk on the boards, I do not have to worry about running into anyone. In a way it is still wearing a mask just no one can see it.
k
I agree that you have to admit it to your self first before you can move on to others. I am still having issues with the fact that I am not whole. I guess that is why it is easier to talk on the boards, I do not have to worry about running into anyone. In a way it is still wearing a mask just no one can see it.
k