Well day 27 of my iui cycle and i am spotting today, it could go either way as I usually spot for a few days before AF and I also spot when I am pg, so it's anyones guess right now. Oh and my friend who did her first ivf got a BFN so she is devastated.

Anyway I just wanted to have a rant so please stay with me!! As you know, I have been ttc for close to 18 mths, baby number 4. We just want one more to complete our family but I am feeling so down about everything I am wondering if I am slowly sliding into mild depression. As you know, ttc can comsume you and take over your life basically and that's how it is for me right now.

I have so many pg friends around me so I can't get away from it, and because I am very maternal and yearn for just one more baby there is no way I can just say, that's it, get over it onto something else, it's not going to happen.

There are so many things that I want to do and accomplish but I feel like I can't start or enjoy anything until I complete my family, so I am slowing digging a hole that I can't get out of. I know I should just be content with the family I do have (or am I allowed to want more), and I know I should be changing around my focus but I just physically and mentally cannot do that.

When I become impatient with my children I get teary because i feel that I am not a good mother and they deserve better, and that I should just snap out of this and just get on with life which is what I want to do but I just can't seem to get over the baby hurdle. I want to have a glass of wine with my husband without thinking "what if", everything revolves around that elusive BFP.

I really am blessed with what I have, so why can't I just be content with my lot and get on with things. It is so emotionally draining, as you all know what IF does to you. But when I see a pg woman or a baby I just think, that is what I want.

Okay, had my rant, sorry to be a downer but I know I can post here and you will understand how I feel. Best wishes to you and thanks for listening and supporting me. Love from Australia.

Hi Mariella

I know it's hard, believe me I do. I feel the same way as you. Just because you get impatient with your children sometimes does NOT make you a bad mother, it is just human nature. I am willing to bet that you are a bit like me and have become a better mother since going through IF. I totally took my kids for granted before all of this and now I know they are little miracles, my own true blessings. It is because you are such a good mum and so maternal that your desire for a fourth baby is so strong.

I really hope that the IUI worked and that the spotting is a good sign. If you had it with your other pregnancies then chances are it may have worked! I sure hope so and am praying that you are posting your BFP soon.

Ruby

Thanks Ruby, I needed to hear that. I know being a mum is hard work, to keep the peace all the time and to not get stressed, but I can see that I am doing a good job because it is being reflected in my happy, well adjusted, polite, smart kids. And they love me and that makes me feel the best feeling possible.

I just sometimes feel that I am just sailing through life, NOT LIVING IT and I need to remember that I am in charge of my life, and the possibilities are endless. So I am the one who needs to make the change. We are considering buying a property with a classic home on it that needs renovating, and where the kids can grow up out of town on a farm. This is my husband and my dream of having a homestead that the kids can always come back to, if they are travelling etc, and know it is their home.

So maybe that is what I need, a change, something to get stuck into, and do this parallel to my IF journey, because right now the IF is taking over and that's not what I want. If only we could have it all. Cheers Ruby.

Hi Mariella. Try not to be so hard on yourself, all of this process is frustrating and that comes out sometimes. Not sure how old your kids are, but I imagine that they are probably pretty understanding and supportive. When I'd get frustrated I'd sometimes say to my 4 year old "Mommy's feeling cranky b/c of the medicines I'm taking right now, please go find Daddy" and he would usually hug me and tell me he loved me, which turned my whole mood around.

I had lots of spotting for the first few weeks of my pregnancy too, so hoping it's a great sign for you! ;)

Thanks for that, well AF is here so i just need to say, onto next month! Best wishes to you all.

Ah mariella, cherie, sorry that AF showed up. :( But I'm so proud of you, you sounds so strong! Oui, cherie, on to next month!! Good to see you still have your head in the game ;)

***BABY DUST****