Anyone here tonight? Monday night... [Archive]

Lost-in-Time

07-10-2007, 01:22 AM

Is anyone here tonight...late Monday nigth?? I really need to talk to someone.....

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JACKFLASH

07-10-2007, 02:09 AM

I'm out here. Working the night shift. I don't know how much help I can be but I am willing to try.
Jack

Lost-in-Time

07-10-2007, 02:13 AM

Hi, Jackflash, I don't recognize your name....do you post on this thread much?

JACKFLASH

07-10-2007, 02:27 AM

I don't post too often. I'm kind of shy. I really am not doing a great job helping myself so I don't know how much help I can be to outhers. I don't get much time for the computer. Teen age computer hogs at my house

Lost-in-Time

07-10-2007, 03:46 AM

Thanks for answering. I'm not sure you are stlil here. I went to bed and tried to sleep but can't. I just feel like I am going to die.....like my mind is going crazy.....like I don't know what is going o nin my brain..

JACKFLASH

07-10-2007, 03:52 AM

I'm still here. I'm working all night and it is slow. I don't usually have a hard time sleeping. I can't stop thinking while I'm awake alot though. Usually worrying about one stupid thing or another.

Lost-in-Time

07-10-2007, 03:55 AM

What do you do for work?

JACKFLASH

07-10-2007, 04:19 AM

I work in a hospital.

Lost-in-Time

07-10-2007, 04:26 AM

Ohhhh.....gotta stay on your toes for that one then....

ICC

07-10-2007, 07:44 AM

Lost.......Sorry ! I am very rarely on at night. Can't sleep past about 5:00 a.m. so am early to bed. Can I help? What was going on last night. You said your mind was swirling. Were you reliving the past? Did you have multiple issues and eents runing around in circles that you couldn't make clear? Talk to me. I'll check in and out to see if you're here.

ICC

dustoffkid

07-10-2007, 08:38 AM

I wish I'd been on, too- I get up at 5:00 or before....

Anything I can help with? I'm a pretty good listener.

Dustoff

Survivor 1957

07-10-2007, 08:39 AM

lost... sorry i was not on the boards last night. i was up and could not sleep. i took the dog for a 2 am walk, she loved it but i got wet. (rain). hope your doing better this am.
k

Lost-in-Time

07-10-2007, 09:07 AM

Thanks y'all..I just took a chance that someone was here......I don't sleep much when its dark anymore......it's daylight now and I'm up again..but its storming...i just had so mcuh going on in my mind and was hurting ....i had a trigger this weekend......and my mind just started trying to think it through..and i dont' have anyone to tell...and i dont know what it all means...and i think i hurt someone..maybe i don't know........i can't close my eyes...its too hard...its too painful...i can't breathe...

ICC

07-10-2007, 09:53 AM

Lost.....You say something triggered this. Do you know what it was? If so how about you tell us and we'll help you from there.

ICC

Lost-in-Time

07-10-2007, 01:32 PM

someone in my family said...do you remember when..my abuser got hurt and was in the hospital? I didn't.....at first I didn't remember a lot of stuff they wree talking about..things "I" did with them..but the more I think about it..the more panic i get and the more pain i get and the more i get little snippits...i think i did it..i think i pushed him down the stairs or something..waht if i did that? waht if i tried to kill someone? anyone? it doesnt matter who it was? what if i did.......oh my Godddddddd...i can't....i can't live with mysel fif i did that....

Survivor 1957

07-10-2007, 01:54 PM

if you think you did something, do you think maybe it was in self defence? Either way Lost you need to talk to some one!!!!!!!let it out here, we do not judge, some of us have walked in your shoes! I have done things I am not proud of, but I AM STILL HERE. I am a survivor and so are you, talk to us. it does help.
k

ICC

07-10-2007, 02:23 PM

Lost.....I'm here too. Have you felt like this before? What brought it on?

Lost if someone was abusing you and you defended yourself there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and I feel all of us would have done the same. So if I'm right, family memebers told you that you pushed your abuser down the steps? Am I right on that? Maybe this is what's blocking you. MAybe it's your fear that you didi something wrong and in order to deal with what's been done to you , you need to get this out. Make sense? Stop beatin gon yourself and talk to us. Nothing is wrong to say here. No one judges. Please let us help you help yourself.

Love you hon,
ICC

Lost-in-Time

07-10-2007, 02:41 PM

no no nono no..no one told me that....we were just talking about him falling.....falling...falling..but i was there......and i didn't remember..or i hadn't at least thought about it in forever..it was just a passing thing that was said while talking about other stuffr..there's a whole year of my life (at least) that i dont remember at alll...and this person said well you do remember that don't you..but it didn't...and not i think that there are these little flashes and i think ti was myfault that i ddi it..self defense? too late for that..it had been years and years and years of the same stuff over and over and over so why this time try to defend myself...no i was beaten down iw asn't fighting back...but i could have just done it...jsut hurt him...just because...just...id ont know i dont konw i dont know i donot know i dont konw id ont..i'm no better than him..i'm no better than tohse men.....i'm worse..i tried to kills omeone.....waht if i did thta......i can't stand myself if i did....

ICC

07-10-2007, 02:54 PM

Lost....take some deep breathes. IF you pushed him I am sure it was done to protect yourself. You know sometimes abused people take so much and then they start to defend themselves and have that feeling of ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! It sounds like your are having flashes of memories that aren't really clear so please before you say you are no better than your abusers calm down. YOU ARE NOT AN ABUSER!!!! YOU WERE ABUSED!! does possible the anger at your abusers make you think you trie to hurt someone. Lost...Anger at what was done to you is normal. Holding htis all in and destroying yourself is not. Please I think you are making headway. Don't stop. we're here for you. Let's try to get to the root.

ICC

Lost-in-Time

07-10-2007, 02:58 PM

i don't know waht to do..that's all there is..

ICC

07-10-2007, 03:18 PM

Lost....let's try this. You were abused. Maybe you fought back at some point, maybe not. The abuse is over with. No one is hurting you now. Help yourself to feel safe, here and with yourself. None of us can turn back the clock of the past. We can change the present and future though. Let us help you. Do you feel any calmer since you got that out?

ICC

ICC

07-10-2007, 03:27 PM

Ok........My friend. Crying is good. You're not going to die because you are too strong. Do something to avoid cutting. It won't change anything but hurt you somemore. You know my theory on the bubble bath and candle. I did it the other day , couldn't stop crying so I didn't Got in a bubble bath with a candle burning and cried my heart out until I was shrivled. I was so tired afte rthat , I went to bed. the next day was sunnier. Treat yourself to something you like. Change your hair totally. new color, new style. eat a banana split. Wahtever will make you feel better that isn't harmful. But Lost ....cry and cry until you get it out. It relieves alot of stress in the soul. I'm going to stay in case you need me.

ICC

Lost-in-Time

07-10-2007, 03:49 PM

i'm not crying...i FEEL like crying but i'm not....shaking maybe....scared maybe.....i don't cry ver yoften..i feel like it, but it rarely comes......

its okay.....i'm gonna go to bed...you can take a break from here......

thanks for the kind words....banana split sounds good....i haven't eaten since yesterday........

thanks....i'll talk to you guys tonight sometime

hope you alla re doing okay

Lost-in-Time

07-10-2007, 04:28 PM

i emailed my t..ive not seen him in awhile...but he'll be there for me,,either via email or to go to him..i know he will

ICC

07-10-2007, 04:35 PM

Take it easy and do whatever makes you feel safe and somewhat comfortable. I'll check in later to make sure you're ok. we goota open those flood gates and get some of those tears out. Feel better. I hope you get the banana split.

ICC;)

Lost-in-Time

07-10-2007, 04:50 PM

Thanks....i'm cooking a hamburger..i think i need real food before the banana split..which i probalby won't ever have.....i haven't had real food in a couple of days.....

thanks for being there...my t says the same about the tears...

Lost-in-Time

07-10-2007, 08:16 PM

i can't do this..the pain is too mcuh...i don't even kno wwaht to do with myself...

Survivor 1957

07-10-2007, 08:42 PM

It Is Good To Walk Away From The Boards For A Few Hours, You Can Get Wrapped Up So And Forget To Breath. Be Good To Your Self, Get Some Fresh Air, Even If It Is Just Sitting On Your Front Steps. Eat, Wash And Breath.... We Are Here For You.
K

Lost-in-Time

07-10-2007, 08:57 PM

thanks...not been outside..storming all day anyway...i'm just lost..i dn't even know what to do .....there just isn't naything to do...i guess

Dee-nah

07-10-2007, 10:21 PM

How are you feeling now, LIT?

Lost-in-Time

07-11-2007, 12:06 AM

well, still here...i think i've made myself physically sick...diarhea and such...think its just from being so upset though..but doesn't add to a great mood....

Lost-in-Time

07-11-2007, 12:07 AM

thakns for asking dennah...how are you

Phoenix

07-11-2007, 12:23 AM

Good evening LIT:

Care to talk?

Lost-in-Time

07-11-2007, 01:12 AM

not sure when you were here...are you stil here?

JACKFLASH

07-11-2007, 01:25 AM

I'm out here. How are you doing? Feeling better?

Lost-in-Time

07-11-2007, 01:33 AM

yeha, i guess..the initial panic has paassed and now i'm settling into just a depression of not understanding it and all...how are you?

JACKFLASH

07-11-2007, 02:06 AM

I'm doing well today. I think when your having flsh backs they don't always make sence at first. They come back in disjointed pieces. I thought i had a baby. I was incorrect. That is how weired they can be. Little pieces get put in the wrong place. Its like a strange puzzle. You just have to wait and see how it playes out.
Jack

Lost-in-Time

07-11-2007, 02:44 AM

how did you figure out you hadn't had a baby? If its okay to ask

JACKFLASH

07-11-2007, 05:39 AM

I could not find any birth records and my parents were adiment that it did not happen. I believe them they have no reason to lie. The memorys are still there. My T thinks it is covering something traumatic. Or signifies some other loss in my childhood.
Jack

ICC

07-11-2007, 06:33 AM

Good morning all....PTSD is a horrible disorder. It makes no sense in our minds at times. Sometimes when you start to remember it is all jumbled up and confuses us more. That's the time that we really have to concetrate on how we feel, what we're thinking and reality. Some of us never remember all of what's happened to us and that's Ok because for some it could be more harmful to remember. We need to always remember that we are in the present now and stay there. The past is over. It cannot/should not be hurting us anymore.

Lost...You live alone right? You are off in the summer right? I haven't worked in over a year so I know how the free time hits us. It in itself can be traumatic when there is so much idle time to think. When I was working I was also off in the summer. If I kept busy, had an agenda everyday I was fine BUT the idle time is horrible.I have been having crying fits for the past week. Tears come on a seconds notice and don't stop. Every little thing that goes wrong, every frustration brings me to shaking and tears. I am weak, tired and in a lot of pain. I went through the same thing last August. Took about 2 months to get through it. I finally couldn't take anymore, got angry at my situation and took control of it. I realized I am important and would no longer allow situations to control my life in an unhealthy way. I am trying to work up to that again now. Not easy BUT has to be done for me to live. Right now I am just existing.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (the past)
Courage to chane the things I can (the present)
ANd the wisdom to know the difference.

I say this prayer 100's of times a day sometimes until it sinks in.

I'm here,
ICC

Survivor 1957

07-11-2007, 08:19 AM

hello all
ptsd is a hard thing to live with, i still have many blanks in my memory, i do belive i will leave them alone and carry on with learning how to handel the triggers and the panic attacks. i do not need to know anymore of the horrible thing that are missing , i know enough of them to write a noval. I agree with icc, you cant change the past, try to learn how to change your future...off to the therapist now, my lovely 60 mile drive.....remember to breath.
(i smetimes forget, hold my breath a lot)
k

ICC

07-11-2007, 11:03 AM

K....i hope you have a good session with the therapist. You're right. I feel the same. I know enough of what happened to me and don't need to know more. Just need to get through it and live peacefully. I wish the same for all.

ICC

Lost-in-Time

07-11-2007, 01:31 PM

then why do t's and everyone keep telling us to remember and to talk about it....i do'nt want to remember...i don't want to think about it anymore......but that is what they tell us.....remember it, get it out, face it.....bunch of bull

ICC

07-11-2007, 02:05 PM

Lost....when someone cannot function or go on in a peaceful, contented life BECAUSE of their traumas then they need to face them. There are alot of people who can't remember, some that start to and don't want to and otheres who remember it all. We are all different. If you don't want to think about it anymore, and I certainly don't blame you, you need to find a way togo on with a happy life. You're entitled. You've always said you're depressed and unhappy all the time. Why is that? because of your past or are thiere other reasons. If it's because of the past then you will never be contented unless you "get over it" but if it's something in your present depressing you that is so very different. What do you think?

The times that I wanted to just forget I had PTSD for a couple of days have been some of my happiest. There is no reason to dwell on it, IF you are living and CAN go on.

ICC

Dee-nah

07-11-2007, 02:24 PM

Lost, ICC is right! What made me want to face my demons was the fact that I didn't want to live this way anymore. I want to know what happiness is and not to depend on others for it... I still have a lot of work to do not only with PTSD but with dealing with the other disorders in my life. Sometimes I feel like giving up but there are more time I feel I want to beat this thing, I figure that say something, right? This board definitely gives me an outlet as well, I don't know what I would without it!

Hopefully you will be able to figure out what is going on and work on it, you have to want to...

Lost-in-Time

07-11-2007, 02:40 PM

Do you ever feel like...when you have holes in your memory...that you just make stuff up as you go along, to fill the gaps, because you need something there??? you don't know what is true and what is just something your made up to fill the gaps?

JACKFLASH

07-12-2007, 12:37 AM

LIT
I feel that way all the time. I wish I could just know what is true and what is not. It makes me crazy but I finally have let it go. It doesn't matter what is real it is what you remember. I just have to work through it in therepy.
Jack

Survivor 1957

07-12-2007, 01:11 AM

my therapist and i have switched modes, we are not trying to remember any more crap...its was not doing me any good, infact it almost killed me...now we are woorking on dealing with the triggers and the panic attacks. Different types of therapy work for different people, we all ahave pTSD but we all do not funtion the same way...try talking to you therapist and see if your can try a different approach.
k

JACKFLASH

07-12-2007, 01:40 AM

I've stopped digging around in the past a little too. It has helped. I'm not as depressed less flash backs. We are dealing with the here and now. my problems that impact me today. The flashbacks and dealing with the past almost killed me.
Jack

Lost-in-Time

07-12-2007, 02:17 AM

thanks.....i don't know...he always wants to deal with the here and now.....i am not going to therapy now though...so i've not talked to him in person..just a quick email....i dont konw..

i need it to get better

JACKFLASH

07-12-2007, 02:22 AM

Therapy really helps me. Alot of the way I feel about things in the here and now are rooted in my past. My therapist really knows how to tease out what is really bothering me. Also helps me think about things in a different way.

ICC

07-12-2007, 06:10 AM

Morning all......so some of us have come to the point of wanting the past in the past?????? Yes???? That's a good thing.

Lost...I think your therapist wants you in the here and now because that's where you live. He's telling you to stop trying to get back there, to get out of the past and come into the present. It doesn't matter if we remember it all. What matters is getting better in whatever we each need to as long as it's healthy and working. When a particular type of therapy doesn't work, we hit mental blocks it's time to go on to another method. Maybe working with your therapist on your feelings in the here and now is the way to go and leave the past behind you. It is what it is. The past.

ICC

Lost-in-Time

07-12-2007, 07:20 AM

you're right...the here and now is important.....but, i know i haven't dealt with the past....or the present..or ht efuture!!! artghhhhh..its hopeless....yes, the hree is the most important....but everyone says that you have to deal with the past...i've spent five years with him talking about nothing completely...to the tip of a lot of things....but nothing in the deep water.....

so..i'm lost....deal with past....deal with here...it just seems that nothing really matters anymore....

i know i know..that's negative......i'm sorry.....

i wil try harder
i will try harder
i will try harder
i willtry harder

ICC

07-12-2007, 07:46 AM

Lost.....If you feel you are done with the past whether or not it's complete , let go of it and deal with the present. Don't worry about the future either. It will al fall into place. Sometimes when we spend our time and energy dealing with the here and now, one day at a time issues just strat to resolve themselves. You'll find that things will jump in your mind and they are no longer as important as they used to be. Try working here and with your therapist on the here and now and see if that helps.

ICC