Phoenix
07-11-2007, 11:41 AM
To All:
It is apparent that all are going through changes at this moment.
What I will say at this juncture is that no matter what we are going through, we will get past this.
I am not saying today or tomorrow but sometime soon.
PTSD has brought down the healthiest and the stealthiest.
We must understand that we are here for each other; don't be afraid to post.
If it's even a post that states "I'm angry" or "I'm upset" that, my friends, is a start.
Ryan
It is apparent that all are going through changes at this moment.
What I will say at this juncture is that no matter what we are going through, we will get past this.
I am not saying today or tomorrow but sometime soon.
PTSD has brought down the healthiest and the stealthiest.
We must understand that we are here for each other; don't be afraid to post.
If it's even a post that states "I'm angry" or "I'm upset" that, my friends, is a start.
Ryan
Sponsor
ICC
07-11-2007, 12:00 PM
Dear Ryan....Let me start the ball rolling as you are right.
I am angry!
I am upset!!
There is nothing I can do about any of it right now, am in a bad frame of mind and at this point don't even want to talk about any of it. I am so tired of taking a step forward and being kicked back 10 due to circumstances beyond my control. I am just plain ld sick and tired, angry, frustrated and about ready to throw in the towel and just sit and give up. I need instant gratification right now. Never have in my life but I do right now. and there is no chance of it. I could call the therapist and start seeing her again BUT it will take me a month to get an appt. I have driven once and it was horrible and scary. So that won't work. There are no meds I can take to kill the pain in mind or body. Tired of fighting it all. Thanks for posting. At least I got it out.
Grasshopper
I am angry!
I am upset!!
There is nothing I can do about any of it right now, am in a bad frame of mind and at this point don't even want to talk about any of it. I am so tired of taking a step forward and being kicked back 10 due to circumstances beyond my control. I am just plain ld sick and tired, angry, frustrated and about ready to throw in the towel and just sit and give up. I need instant gratification right now. Never have in my life but I do right now. and there is no chance of it. I could call the therapist and start seeing her again BUT it will take me a month to get an appt. I have driven once and it was horrible and scary. So that won't work. There are no meds I can take to kill the pain in mind or body. Tired of fighting it all. Thanks for posting. At least I got it out.
Grasshopper
Phoenix
07-11-2007, 01:53 PM
Dear Ryan....Let me start the ball rolling as you are right.
I am angry!
I am upset!!
There is nothing I can do about any of it right now, am in a bad frame of mind and at this point don't even want to talk about any of it. I am so tired of taking a step forward and being kicked back 10 due to circumstances beyond my control. I am just plain ld sick and tired, angry, frustrated and about ready to throw in the towel and just sit and give up. I need instant gratification right now. Never have in my life but I do right now. and there is no chance of it. I could call the therapist and start seeing her again BUT it will take me a month to get an appt. I have driven once and it was horrible and scary. So that won't work. There are no meds I can take to kill the pain in mind or body. Tired of fighting it all. Thanks for posting. At least I got it out.
Grasshopper
Dear Grasshopper:
I am glad that you "posted it out."
Of course you are angry and upset and in saying that I believe you are being mild in your approach.
You took one step forward (having the surgery performed) and therapeutic measures have taken you back.
Remember that a month is a short amount of time (in actuality;even though it may seem that the days drag on).
Wanna hear something ironic?
My next orthopaedic surgeon appontment is on the same day that the accident occurred.
I saw my therapist yesterday and pretty much told her the same things as you stated here.
Told her that I was ready to give up on all of this.
At times, it feels like i am hanging on a thread.
It is then that I remembered that I have a beautiful daughter and an extended family here.
Though I am in pain, I have to remember that I can breathe, wiggle my fingers and other things which I tend to take for granted.
"Getting it out" does not always provide the relief one seeks; there are times when the opposite occurs (personal history).
If I can hang in there, so can you; so can all of us.
Let's all "hang in there together."
Ryan
I am angry!
I am upset!!
There is nothing I can do about any of it right now, am in a bad frame of mind and at this point don't even want to talk about any of it. I am so tired of taking a step forward and being kicked back 10 due to circumstances beyond my control. I am just plain ld sick and tired, angry, frustrated and about ready to throw in the towel and just sit and give up. I need instant gratification right now. Never have in my life but I do right now. and there is no chance of it. I could call the therapist and start seeing her again BUT it will take me a month to get an appt. I have driven once and it was horrible and scary. So that won't work. There are no meds I can take to kill the pain in mind or body. Tired of fighting it all. Thanks for posting. At least I got it out.
Grasshopper
Dear Grasshopper:
I am glad that you "posted it out."
Of course you are angry and upset and in saying that I believe you are being mild in your approach.
You took one step forward (having the surgery performed) and therapeutic measures have taken you back.
Remember that a month is a short amount of time (in actuality;even though it may seem that the days drag on).
Wanna hear something ironic?
My next orthopaedic surgeon appontment is on the same day that the accident occurred.
I saw my therapist yesterday and pretty much told her the same things as you stated here.
Told her that I was ready to give up on all of this.
At times, it feels like i am hanging on a thread.
It is then that I remembered that I have a beautiful daughter and an extended family here.
Though I am in pain, I have to remember that I can breathe, wiggle my fingers and other things which I tend to take for granted.
"Getting it out" does not always provide the relief one seeks; there are times when the opposite occurs (personal history).
If I can hang in there, so can you; so can all of us.
Let's all "hang in there together."
Ryan
NVD
07-11-2007, 07:47 PM
Oh ICC, I don't know your situation, but I'm sorry your having such a hard time.
I am with you, ICC. I am really struggling. I'm struggling to hold on. I feel like my existence is being held onto by a thread...a thread that is being tested with each passing moment.
You know, I got through this before. It took a lot of hard work, and a lot of determination, and a lot of therapy and meds, but this time, I just feel like I'm so deep into it this time, that I really don't know that I'll ever get out of it. And it's only been a month. A month since the last attack. A month since I've been in this hospital, a month that I've been away from my very young kids. It's so hard. While I want out of this damn hospital, I honestly can't say that I'd be safe to get out. I can't go back home. I can't go back to those memories yet.
This PTSD really is a hard thing to deal with. I really wish I had the enthusiasm as you do Ryan. I wish I knew that we would be okay, I wish I knew that the future held better times for us. I'm glad you see it though...it gives off a little bit of hope.
Take care, and thanks for listening.
Amber
I am with you, ICC. I am really struggling. I'm struggling to hold on. I feel like my existence is being held onto by a thread...a thread that is being tested with each passing moment.
You know, I got through this before. It took a lot of hard work, and a lot of determination, and a lot of therapy and meds, but this time, I just feel like I'm so deep into it this time, that I really don't know that I'll ever get out of it. And it's only been a month. A month since the last attack. A month since I've been in this hospital, a month that I've been away from my very young kids. It's so hard. While I want out of this damn hospital, I honestly can't say that I'd be safe to get out. I can't go back home. I can't go back to those memories yet.
This PTSD really is a hard thing to deal with. I really wish I had the enthusiasm as you do Ryan. I wish I knew that we would be okay, I wish I knew that the future held better times for us. I'm glad you see it though...it gives off a little bit of hope.
Take care, and thanks for listening.
Amber
Phoenix
07-11-2007, 07:55 PM
Amber,
I am not saying it is easy but I believe if you first think positive, you are halfway there.
With me though, these thoughts are subject to change.
Ryan
I am not saying it is easy but I believe if you first think positive, you are halfway there.
With me though, these thoughts are subject to change.
Ryan
Survivor 1957
07-12-2007, 01:24 AM
hi,
I am with Rayn here, hang in there, post, read, and take a step back and breath... one month ago I was ready to start swimming - straight out to sea, not along the shore. I was ready to hang it up, give up, not try any more, then Sid hit me with the "bat" and taked me through the boards... I am still here and still trying to make it every day. I even went into the water yesterday. I know it does not soullnd that big of a deal but it is to me.. I had to sit on the shore but at least I got in.. it is a start. ( last year I cswam 1 - 1 1/2 miles a day.)
Some times I do not post and just read other posts in the depression or panic attack section. It helps to know you are not alone.
we are here for each other,
k
I am with Rayn here, hang in there, post, read, and take a step back and breath... one month ago I was ready to start swimming - straight out to sea, not along the shore. I was ready to hang it up, give up, not try any more, then Sid hit me with the "bat" and taked me through the boards... I am still here and still trying to make it every day. I even went into the water yesterday. I know it does not soullnd that big of a deal but it is to me.. I had to sit on the shore but at least I got in.. it is a start. ( last year I cswam 1 - 1 1/2 miles a day.)
Some times I do not post and just read other posts in the depression or panic attack section. It helps to know you are not alone.
we are here for each other,
k
NVD
07-12-2007, 01:40 AM
I've tried thinking positive. I've tried telling myself that one day this hellish nightmare would be over, and that one day, the sun would come back up. But you know, it never seems to. And if it does, the sun just makes it above the horizon, and goes back down. And now, not only is this hell only effecting me, and my family, it's tearing my family apart. My family is the only reason I've held on...and now I'm losing that. I'm done. I really don't even have it in me to try anymore. What's the point, when the only thing you have left doesn't believe in you that you will ever get through this? Tonight is just a really bad night, I really just feel like I'm drowning. Sigh.
Sorry for the vent.
Amber
Sorry for the vent.
Amber
JACKFLASH
07-12-2007, 01:57 AM
Amber
Hang in there.I was hospitalized one month ago for my depression and anxiety and now feel alot better. So it could change on a dime. My husband just told me tonight that we can't afford for me to take anymore sick time from work. Like I had a choise. When i went in the hospital I could not stop crying and wanted to die. Who in their right mind would choose that.He is so unsupportive. So I can relate to the lonelyness. Take care
Jack
Hang in there.I was hospitalized one month ago for my depression and anxiety and now feel alot better. So it could change on a dime. My husband just told me tonight that we can't afford for me to take anymore sick time from work. Like I had a choise. When i went in the hospital I could not stop crying and wanted to die. Who in their right mind would choose that.He is so unsupportive. So I can relate to the lonelyness. Take care
Jack
NVD
07-12-2007, 02:46 AM
Okay, I'm going to be very blunt and honest here. Maybe someone here can tell me where the hell I'm going wrong.
Quite a few months back, I found out that my attacker was living close to me again. I've moved from place to place, but he's always showed up. We've tried going through the system, but "it's a free country, he can live where he wants, it doesn't mean he's going to do anything to harm me". This is according to the courts. Knowing that he was near, this sent me back into a major depression, with severe anxiety, and ptsd symptoms. Insomnia kicked in, and has been here since. In between then and now, my five year old was being treated for a benign brain tumor, and facing her 9th stomach surgery, and suddenly my two year old started collapsing and having seizures. A little over a month ago, I ran into my attacker at the carnival. Even though in my mind, I knew things would get ugly from the time I found out he was living here, at that very moment at the carnival, I knew it was my time. I just knew. Anxiety and all the above kicked my butt more than ever those next couple days. A couple nights later, I couldn't wind down. The dogs kept barking outside, and I just had that weird feeling. So, I had a drink. It didn't help, so I had another one. And then another one. Around 7:00 the next morning, I was still awake, so I took some ativan. Again, it didn't work, so I took two more. My husband left for work, and my attacker walked in. I was raped at gunpoint, while my 10 month old sat in his swing and cried for me, watching everything. I ended up driving myself to the hospital, and a couple days later, had a complete meltdown. My attacker was caught at my families house, just three houses down, and the very next day, my dad took his own life. (He was friends with my attacker, and was going to be questioned) I've been here since. About ten days later, I found out that I was pregnant--from this rape. I thought, and thought, and thought about this, till it drug me so deep, that I couldn't think of anything else. I began to love this baby. Then one day, I was talking to a friend, and she made me realize that if he gets out of jail, he may just get rights to this baby. That scared the hell out of me, and the next day, I aborted it. Which is something that I would have never in a million years done. this went against everything I believed in. But the thought of having him in my life any longer, just was too much. I took some meds, and let the "miscarriage" happen naturally. But then a few days later, I had to have a D & C, because it wasn't complete, and I began to hemorrhage. This brought up a whole new level of emotions. During all this, my family was evacuated from our home, because of the fires at lake Tahoe, our house was just yards from being completely lost, and while it's still standing, did suffer signifcant structure and foundation damage. It's been a month from hell. Tonight, my husband told me that I need to "buck up" and get over things already. That I'm a dissapointment to him and my kids, that I'm letting them down, and that he wants a divorce. You know, I've been in this hospital for nearly a month. I've had therapy appointments almost daily, I've been fighting an infection off and on the entire time, that comes and goes, I've held on. I've held on with what little strength I had. But you know, I don't feel better. I don't feel better about any of it. I feel weak, and violated, and really, honestly, like giving up on it all. I'm really struggling here. And I'm really hurting, and I'm exhausted in every way.
Quite a few months back, I found out that my attacker was living close to me again. I've moved from place to place, but he's always showed up. We've tried going through the system, but "it's a free country, he can live where he wants, it doesn't mean he's going to do anything to harm me". This is according to the courts. Knowing that he was near, this sent me back into a major depression, with severe anxiety, and ptsd symptoms. Insomnia kicked in, and has been here since. In between then and now, my five year old was being treated for a benign brain tumor, and facing her 9th stomach surgery, and suddenly my two year old started collapsing and having seizures. A little over a month ago, I ran into my attacker at the carnival. Even though in my mind, I knew things would get ugly from the time I found out he was living here, at that very moment at the carnival, I knew it was my time. I just knew. Anxiety and all the above kicked my butt more than ever those next couple days. A couple nights later, I couldn't wind down. The dogs kept barking outside, and I just had that weird feeling. So, I had a drink. It didn't help, so I had another one. And then another one. Around 7:00 the next morning, I was still awake, so I took some ativan. Again, it didn't work, so I took two more. My husband left for work, and my attacker walked in. I was raped at gunpoint, while my 10 month old sat in his swing and cried for me, watching everything. I ended up driving myself to the hospital, and a couple days later, had a complete meltdown. My attacker was caught at my families house, just three houses down, and the very next day, my dad took his own life. (He was friends with my attacker, and was going to be questioned) I've been here since. About ten days later, I found out that I was pregnant--from this rape. I thought, and thought, and thought about this, till it drug me so deep, that I couldn't think of anything else. I began to love this baby. Then one day, I was talking to a friend, and she made me realize that if he gets out of jail, he may just get rights to this baby. That scared the hell out of me, and the next day, I aborted it. Which is something that I would have never in a million years done. this went against everything I believed in. But the thought of having him in my life any longer, just was too much. I took some meds, and let the "miscarriage" happen naturally. But then a few days later, I had to have a D & C, because it wasn't complete, and I began to hemorrhage. This brought up a whole new level of emotions. During all this, my family was evacuated from our home, because of the fires at lake Tahoe, our house was just yards from being completely lost, and while it's still standing, did suffer signifcant structure and foundation damage. It's been a month from hell. Tonight, my husband told me that I need to "buck up" and get over things already. That I'm a dissapointment to him and my kids, that I'm letting them down, and that he wants a divorce. You know, I've been in this hospital for nearly a month. I've had therapy appointments almost daily, I've been fighting an infection off and on the entire time, that comes and goes, I've held on. I've held on with what little strength I had. But you know, I don't feel better. I don't feel better about any of it. I feel weak, and violated, and really, honestly, like giving up on it all. I'm really struggling here. And I'm really hurting, and I'm exhausted in every way.
isitme
07-12-2007, 05:21 AM
What alot you have on your plate. I'm truly sorry for all the awful things that have happened to you. Can't help with the unsupportive husband! Him aside, concentrate on you. You are important and you will get through it with time.
isitme
07-12-2007, 05:25 AM
Amber,
I am not saying it is easy but I believe if you first think positive, you are halfway there.
With me though, these thoughts are subject to change.
Ryan
With ALL of us, these thoughts are subject to change, at a seconds notice, but as we know positive can turn to negative, we are also assured that the negative will change to positive! It's a case of going with the flow. Knowing the negative periods decrease with time is comforting.
I am not saying it is easy but I believe if you first think positive, you are halfway there.
With me though, these thoughts are subject to change.
Ryan
With ALL of us, these thoughts are subject to change, at a seconds notice, but as we know positive can turn to negative, we are also assured that the negative will change to positive! It's a case of going with the flow. Knowing the negative periods decrease with time is comforting.
Phoenix
07-12-2007, 06:04 AM
Amber,
You need to hold on for you for everything begins and ends with you.
That is the only way that you can be there in the future for others.
Let me tell you now, you are not a disappointment.
are you really reading here:You are not a disappointment.
A person has a right to their opinion but that is all it is, an opinion.
What matters now is how you feel about yourself.
You keep sharing here as often as you want.
There are no "dissapointments" on this board.
Just people.............
and you are family here.
Ryan
You need to hold on for you for everything begins and ends with you.
That is the only way that you can be there in the future for others.
Let me tell you now, you are not a disappointment.
are you really reading here:You are not a disappointment.
A person has a right to their opinion but that is all it is, an opinion.
What matters now is how you feel about yourself.
You keep sharing here as often as you want.
There are no "dissapointments" on this board.
Just people.............
and you are family here.
Ryan
ICC
07-12-2007, 06:29 AM
Dear Ryan......In starting this thread you have come through for your family again as you have many times in the past. Good work, my friend.:)
Amber....I have no words to take away your pain. You have been through hell. BUT you are here telling us so to me that means you have survived it and want to continue to. You have made the right decisions so far for you and I believe you will continue to. I am so sorry your husband is unsupportive. In my life I have seen people think that if they're "tough" as I believe your husband might be doing that it will knock it out of us. They just don't understand. Everyday that you see that sun on the orizon know that one day it will stay up longer. You have the determination to get well and you will. Not overnight. It's hard and time consuming, but you will make it all the same. Things are too fresh in your mind to expect results immediately. One day at a time. One issue at a time.
God bless all,
ICC
Amber....I have no words to take away your pain. You have been through hell. BUT you are here telling us so to me that means you have survived it and want to continue to. You have made the right decisions so far for you and I believe you will continue to. I am so sorry your husband is unsupportive. In my life I have seen people think that if they're "tough" as I believe your husband might be doing that it will knock it out of us. They just don't understand. Everyday that you see that sun on the orizon know that one day it will stay up longer. You have the determination to get well and you will. Not overnight. It's hard and time consuming, but you will make it all the same. Things are too fresh in your mind to expect results immediately. One day at a time. One issue at a time.
God bless all,
ICC
beka6
07-12-2007, 10:10 AM
Amber,
I have been sitting here on my butt for the last few days, basically feeling sorry for myself because I feel that I've hit rock bottom. When I read your post, I feel completely ashamed of myself. You are in the depths of hell right now - I honestly do not know how you have made it through this much pain.
Anyone who can survive what you have survived is not a dissapointment. You are still standing. You say you don't feel any better, but how can you at this point? Emotional pain needs to heal just like the physical pain, and you have been afflicted with both. Allow yourself time, if you can.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please hang in there and give yourself time to heal.
Beka
I have been sitting here on my butt for the last few days, basically feeling sorry for myself because I feel that I've hit rock bottom. When I read your post, I feel completely ashamed of myself. You are in the depths of hell right now - I honestly do not know how you have made it through this much pain.
Anyone who can survive what you have survived is not a dissapointment. You are still standing. You say you don't feel any better, but how can you at this point? Emotional pain needs to heal just like the physical pain, and you have been afflicted with both. Allow yourself time, if you can.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please hang in there and give yourself time to heal.
Beka
beka6
07-12-2007, 10:14 AM
Dear Ryan....Let me start the ball rolling as you are right.
I am angry!
I am upset!!
There is nothing I can do about any of it right now, am in a bad frame of mind and at this point don't even want to talk about any of it. I am so tired of taking a step forward and being kicked back 10 due to circumstances beyond my control. I am just plain ld sick and tired, angry, frustrated and about ready to throw in the towel and just sit and give up. I need instant gratification right now. Never have in my life but I do right now. and there is no chance of it. I could call the therapist and start seeing her again BUT it will take me a month to get an appt. I have driven once and it was horrible and scary. So that won't work. There are no meds I can take to kill the pain in mind or body. Tired of fighting it all. Thanks for posting. At least I got it out.
Grasshopper
ICC,
I'm glad you got this out. With the course of your healing, I don't know how you can feel any other way but frustrated and angry. Can I make a suggestion? Make the appointment with the therapist. You need a good support system right now. Okay, that's all I'm going to say - except, you are in my thoughts and prayers and I'm sorry that you are suffering.
Beka
I am angry!
I am upset!!
There is nothing I can do about any of it right now, am in a bad frame of mind and at this point don't even want to talk about any of it. I am so tired of taking a step forward and being kicked back 10 due to circumstances beyond my control. I am just plain ld sick and tired, angry, frustrated and about ready to throw in the towel and just sit and give up. I need instant gratification right now. Never have in my life but I do right now. and there is no chance of it. I could call the therapist and start seeing her again BUT it will take me a month to get an appt. I have driven once and it was horrible and scary. So that won't work. There are no meds I can take to kill the pain in mind or body. Tired of fighting it all. Thanks for posting. At least I got it out.
Grasshopper
ICC,
I'm glad you got this out. With the course of your healing, I don't know how you can feel any other way but frustrated and angry. Can I make a suggestion? Make the appointment with the therapist. You need a good support system right now. Okay, that's all I'm going to say - except, you are in my thoughts and prayers and I'm sorry that you are suffering.
Beka
NVD
07-12-2007, 12:14 PM
Amber,
I have been sitting here on my butt for the last few days, basically feeling sorry for myself because I feel that I've hit rock bottom. When I read your post, I feel completely ashamed of myself. You are in the depths of hell right now - I honestly do not know how you have made it through this much pain.
Anyone who can survive what you have survived is not a dissapointment. You are still standing. You say you don't feel any better, but how can you at this point? Emotional pain needs to heal just like the physical pain, and you have been afflicted with both. Allow yourself time, if you can.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please hang in there and give yourself time to heal.
Beka
Beka, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Don't short your feelings though...they are real for you, and hard, and difficult, and painful. Hope you feel better, thanks for the thoughts and prayers.
I'm sorry.
Amber
I have been sitting here on my butt for the last few days, basically feeling sorry for myself because I feel that I've hit rock bottom. When I read your post, I feel completely ashamed of myself. You are in the depths of hell right now - I honestly do not know how you have made it through this much pain.
Anyone who can survive what you have survived is not a dissapointment. You are still standing. You say you don't feel any better, but how can you at this point? Emotional pain needs to heal just like the physical pain, and you have been afflicted with both. Allow yourself time, if you can.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please hang in there and give yourself time to heal.
Beka
Beka, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Don't short your feelings though...they are real for you, and hard, and difficult, and painful. Hope you feel better, thanks for the thoughts and prayers.
I'm sorry.
Amber
beka6
07-12-2007, 06:07 PM
Beka, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Don't short your feelings though...they are real for you, and hard, and difficult, and painful. Hope you feel better, thanks for the thoughts and prayers.
I'm sorry.
Amber
Amber,
You know, I have read some of your other posts and it amazes me at how you can offer support to others when you are struggling so much right now. That proves what a great person you really are! I hope you remember that. You take care of yourself today and I hope somehow things start to get better for you.
Beka
I'm sorry.
Amber
Amber,
You know, I have read some of your other posts and it amazes me at how you can offer support to others when you are struggling so much right now. That proves what a great person you really are! I hope you remember that. You take care of yourself today and I hope somehow things start to get better for you.
Beka
NVD
07-12-2007, 06:14 PM
Thank you Beka. You know, I don't try and offer advice or support, if I don't have it. But I do try to offer the support, when I can. I think I've been on the receiving end more than the giving end. But I do what I can, just like anyone else here. Thanks though, I'm hanging in there. Hope you're doing the same.
Amber
Amber
Phoenix
07-12-2007, 06:48 PM
Amber:
This, my dear, is a testament to the strength you have.
We are all here for you; just wanted you to know.
You are in my prayers.:angel:
Ryan
This, my dear, is a testament to the strength you have.
We are all here for you; just wanted you to know.
You are in my prayers.:angel:
Ryan
NVD
07-12-2007, 08:22 PM
Ryan, you really are sweet, you know that? Thank you for your kind words.
I don't know if it's a matter of strength, though. I think it's more a matter of the compassion that I have for people; especially those who are going through such hard times. Strength right now, is so far off the list of things I'm feeling..but who knows, maybe I'm not looking at the big picture. I don't see it, and I don't feel it. But it's nice to think that someone else does. Thanks again,
Amber
I don't know if it's a matter of strength, though. I think it's more a matter of the compassion that I have for people; especially those who are going through such hard times. Strength right now, is so far off the list of things I'm feeling..but who knows, maybe I'm not looking at the big picture. I don't see it, and I don't feel it. But it's nice to think that someone else does. Thanks again,
Amber
Phoenix
07-12-2007, 08:37 PM
Amber,
Thanks for the kind words but you cannot see what we can.
Maybe you don't see it or feel it but it is there.
You will see it, trust me but you will have to exercise a little patience.
Take time out to regroup your thoughts.
That strength you have will reveal itself to you.
Remember that strength isn't always measured in pounds and ounces.
True strength is measured in the ability to persevere.
There is always light at the end of that tunnel.
Can't see it? It may be a ways off but it is definitely there.
Ryan
Thanks for the kind words but you cannot see what we can.
Maybe you don't see it or feel it but it is there.
You will see it, trust me but you will have to exercise a little patience.
Take time out to regroup your thoughts.
That strength you have will reveal itself to you.
Remember that strength isn't always measured in pounds and ounces.
True strength is measured in the ability to persevere.
There is always light at the end of that tunnel.
Can't see it? It may be a ways off but it is definitely there.
Ryan
Nyxie63
07-13-2007, 12:02 PM
Ryan,
Just wanted to thank you for starting this thread. I've thought about posting a couple of times since you started it, but up until now, decided I really didn't have anything to contribute (and still don't really, but here it is).
I don't feel like I have the strength to support others. It's difficult enough most days to just deal with my own junk. Then there's the guilt of just posting about my own needs/whatever. I sound (at least to myself) like a whiny so-and-so.
What happens when the rock everyone relies on finally develops a crack? They go look for a new rock. I can't talk to anyone about a lot of this stuff, not even my husband, who's afraid of talking to me about certain issues. I'm so tired of test-driving counselors to find one I click with ("and how does that make you feel?" "I just told you, you bloody idiot!"). My last remaining close "friend" is sucking the life out of me, yet I can't let him go because he's.... well... my last remaining close friend. I don't want to be alone, no matter how difficult and draining the friendship. There are plenty of acquaintances, but nobody I feel comfortable bearing my soul to. They might actually see me for the seriously screwed-up person I am... and run away screaming. Isolation, even largely self-imposed, sucks.
In addition to the various joys of being emotionally and mentally scrambled, I'm also dealing with health issues. Living with thyroid disease, CFS, heavy metal toxicity, headaches, and various nutritional deficiencies all drain me of what remaining energy I've had, in addition to the accompanying depression of PTSD. Oh yeah, and I broke one of my toes 2 weeks ago had can't take a step without excruciating pain (don't think it's healing right). Doesn't help that I've tripped twice since breaking the danged toe and have landed on it both times.
It seems like the only time I can post anything is when something's really eating at me. When I'm my usual "blah" self, it's too much effort to bother with self-expression, let alone helping someone else. Anyway, thanks for starting this thread and for listening. Guess I just needed to vent a little, even if it sounds like whining to me.
Just wanted to thank you for starting this thread. I've thought about posting a couple of times since you started it, but up until now, decided I really didn't have anything to contribute (and still don't really, but here it is).
I don't feel like I have the strength to support others. It's difficult enough most days to just deal with my own junk. Then there's the guilt of just posting about my own needs/whatever. I sound (at least to myself) like a whiny so-and-so.
What happens when the rock everyone relies on finally develops a crack? They go look for a new rock. I can't talk to anyone about a lot of this stuff, not even my husband, who's afraid of talking to me about certain issues. I'm so tired of test-driving counselors to find one I click with ("and how does that make you feel?" "I just told you, you bloody idiot!"). My last remaining close "friend" is sucking the life out of me, yet I can't let him go because he's.... well... my last remaining close friend. I don't want to be alone, no matter how difficult and draining the friendship. There are plenty of acquaintances, but nobody I feel comfortable bearing my soul to. They might actually see me for the seriously screwed-up person I am... and run away screaming. Isolation, even largely self-imposed, sucks.
In addition to the various joys of being emotionally and mentally scrambled, I'm also dealing with health issues. Living with thyroid disease, CFS, heavy metal toxicity, headaches, and various nutritional deficiencies all drain me of what remaining energy I've had, in addition to the accompanying depression of PTSD. Oh yeah, and I broke one of my toes 2 weeks ago had can't take a step without excruciating pain (don't think it's healing right). Doesn't help that I've tripped twice since breaking the danged toe and have landed on it both times.
It seems like the only time I can post anything is when something's really eating at me. When I'm my usual "blah" self, it's too much effort to bother with self-expression, let alone helping someone else. Anyway, thanks for starting this thread and for listening. Guess I just needed to vent a little, even if it sounds like whining to me.
NVD
07-14-2007, 06:37 PM
Hi Nyxie, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Hope you feel better soon.
Amber
Amber
Phoenix
07-14-2007, 08:10 PM
Ryan,
Just wanted to thank you for starting this thread. I've thought about posting a couple of times since you started it, but up until now, decided I really didn't have anything to contribute (and still don't really, but here it is).
I don't feel like I have the strength to support others. It's difficult enough most days to just deal with my own junk. Then there's the guilt of just posting about my own needs/whatever. I sound (at least to myself) like a whiny so-and-so.
What happens when the rock everyone relies on finally develops a crack? They go look for a new rock. I can't talk to anyone about a lot of this stuff, not even my husband, who's afraid of talking to me about certain issues. I'm so tired of test-driving counselors to find one I click with ("and how does that make you feel?" "I just told you, you bloody idiot!"). My last remaining close "friend" is sucking the life out of me, yet I can't let him go because he's.... well... my last remaining close friend. I don't want to be alone, no matter how difficult and draining the friendship. There are plenty of acquaintances, but nobody I feel comfortable bearing my soul to. They might actually see me for the seriously screwed-up person I am... and run away screaming. Isolation, even largely self-imposed, sucks.
In addition to the various joys of being emotionally and mentally scrambled, I'm also dealing with health issues. Living with thyroid disease, CFS, heavy metal toxicity, headaches, and various nutritional deficiencies all drain me of what remaining energy I've had, in addition to the accompanying depression of PTSD. Oh yeah, and I broke one of my toes 2 weeks ago had can't take a step without excruciating pain (don't think it's healing right). Doesn't help that I've tripped twice since breaking the danged toe and have landed on it both times.
It seems like the only time I can post anything is when something's really eating at me. When I'm my usual "blah" self, it's too much effort to bother with self-expression, let alone helping someone else. Anyway, thanks for starting this thread and for listening. Guess I just needed to vent a little, even if it sounds like whining to me.
Dear Nyxie:
Every now and then, it seems that I get into a "down" mode.
I will eventually snap out of it ; you vent as much as you like; it can be very therapeutic.
Ryan
Just wanted to thank you for starting this thread. I've thought about posting a couple of times since you started it, but up until now, decided I really didn't have anything to contribute (and still don't really, but here it is).
I don't feel like I have the strength to support others. It's difficult enough most days to just deal with my own junk. Then there's the guilt of just posting about my own needs/whatever. I sound (at least to myself) like a whiny so-and-so.
What happens when the rock everyone relies on finally develops a crack? They go look for a new rock. I can't talk to anyone about a lot of this stuff, not even my husband, who's afraid of talking to me about certain issues. I'm so tired of test-driving counselors to find one I click with ("and how does that make you feel?" "I just told you, you bloody idiot!"). My last remaining close "friend" is sucking the life out of me, yet I can't let him go because he's.... well... my last remaining close friend. I don't want to be alone, no matter how difficult and draining the friendship. There are plenty of acquaintances, but nobody I feel comfortable bearing my soul to. They might actually see me for the seriously screwed-up person I am... and run away screaming. Isolation, even largely self-imposed, sucks.
In addition to the various joys of being emotionally and mentally scrambled, I'm also dealing with health issues. Living with thyroid disease, CFS, heavy metal toxicity, headaches, and various nutritional deficiencies all drain me of what remaining energy I've had, in addition to the accompanying depression of PTSD. Oh yeah, and I broke one of my toes 2 weeks ago had can't take a step without excruciating pain (don't think it's healing right). Doesn't help that I've tripped twice since breaking the danged toe and have landed on it both times.
It seems like the only time I can post anything is when something's really eating at me. When I'm my usual "blah" self, it's too much effort to bother with self-expression, let alone helping someone else. Anyway, thanks for starting this thread and for listening. Guess I just needed to vent a little, even if it sounds like whining to me.
Dear Nyxie:
Every now and then, it seems that I get into a "down" mode.
I will eventually snap out of it ; you vent as much as you like; it can be very therapeutic.
Ryan
Phoenix
07-15-2007, 06:20 AM
Ryan,
Just wanted to thank you for starting this thread. I've thought about posting a couple of times since you started it, but up until now, decided I really didn't have anything to contribute (and still don't really, but here it is).
I don't feel like I have the strength to support others. It's difficult enough most days to just deal with my own junk. Then there's the guilt of just posting about my own needs/whatever. I sound (at least to myself) like a whiny so-and-so.
What happens when the rock everyone relies on finally develops a crack? They go look for a new rock. I can't talk to anyone about a lot of this stuff, not even my husband, who's afraid of talking to me about certain issues. I'm so tired of test-driving counselors to find one I click with ("and how does that make you feel?" "I just told you, you bloody idiot!"). My last remaining close "friend" is sucking the life out of me, yet I can't let him go because he's.... well... my last remaining close friend. I don't want to be alone, no matter how difficult and draining the friendship. There are plenty of acquaintances, but nobody I feel comfortable bearing my soul to. They might actually see me for the seriously screwed-up person I am... and run away screaming. Isolation, even largely self-imposed, sucks.
In addition to the various joys of being emotionally and mentally scrambled, I'm also dealing with health issues. Living with thyroid disease, CFS, heavy metal toxicity, headaches, and various nutritional deficiencies all drain me of what remaining energy I've had, in addition to the accompanying depression of PTSD. Oh yeah, and I broke one of my toes 2 weeks ago had can't take a step without excruciating pain (don't think it's healing right). Doesn't help that I've tripped twice since breaking the danged toe and have landed on it both times.
It seems like the only time I can post anything is when something's really eating at me. When I'm my usual "blah" self, it's too much effort to bother with self-expression, let alone helping someone else. Anyway, thanks for starting this thread and for listening. Guess I just needed to vent a little, even if it sounds like whining to me.
Dear Nyxie:
When I started this thread, I wanted all to come together, with or without comments.
Dealing with our own issues can be a bit much to handle at times.
You are not a winy "so and so" as you call it; expressing issues should never be viewed as such, for if it matters to you(whether big or small), it is worth posting.
When the rock develops a crack, one must make an effort to repair it.
If the rock isn't cracked but you perceive it to be, talk about it here.
If it is cracked and you don't know what to do, still post it here(if you feel comfortable).
Sometimes reading over your own post can provide the insight that you need.
I hear you about the "test drivings of therapists."
There are many good ones out there and it's like going on a first date; if the chemistry isn't there, meeting up for a second time would feel like you were forcing it.
On the other hand, if an issue is shared and it makes you uncomfortable enough not to return, that needs to be explored; I know from personal experience.
Now with the friend, it appears that you might need to scale back a bit, at least for now.
There is nothing wrong with taking a little breather every now and again.
If he cannot understand that, this, by itself, may tell you something.
You may feel lonely but are never alone.
Remember that "you come first.
It is this statement that allows you to take care of you, so you can be there for others.
Health concerns only seem to exacerbate a situation.
I just exposed a part of my self metaphorically in another thread just recently.
We're always here to listen; please don't forget this.
Ryan
Just wanted to thank you for starting this thread. I've thought about posting a couple of times since you started it, but up until now, decided I really didn't have anything to contribute (and still don't really, but here it is).
I don't feel like I have the strength to support others. It's difficult enough most days to just deal with my own junk. Then there's the guilt of just posting about my own needs/whatever. I sound (at least to myself) like a whiny so-and-so.
What happens when the rock everyone relies on finally develops a crack? They go look for a new rock. I can't talk to anyone about a lot of this stuff, not even my husband, who's afraid of talking to me about certain issues. I'm so tired of test-driving counselors to find one I click with ("and how does that make you feel?" "I just told you, you bloody idiot!"). My last remaining close "friend" is sucking the life out of me, yet I can't let him go because he's.... well... my last remaining close friend. I don't want to be alone, no matter how difficult and draining the friendship. There are plenty of acquaintances, but nobody I feel comfortable bearing my soul to. They might actually see me for the seriously screwed-up person I am... and run away screaming. Isolation, even largely self-imposed, sucks.
In addition to the various joys of being emotionally and mentally scrambled, I'm also dealing with health issues. Living with thyroid disease, CFS, heavy metal toxicity, headaches, and various nutritional deficiencies all drain me of what remaining energy I've had, in addition to the accompanying depression of PTSD. Oh yeah, and I broke one of my toes 2 weeks ago had can't take a step without excruciating pain (don't think it's healing right). Doesn't help that I've tripped twice since breaking the danged toe and have landed on it both times.
It seems like the only time I can post anything is when something's really eating at me. When I'm my usual "blah" self, it's too much effort to bother with self-expression, let alone helping someone else. Anyway, thanks for starting this thread and for listening. Guess I just needed to vent a little, even if it sounds like whining to me.
Dear Nyxie:
When I started this thread, I wanted all to come together, with or without comments.
Dealing with our own issues can be a bit much to handle at times.
You are not a winy "so and so" as you call it; expressing issues should never be viewed as such, for if it matters to you(whether big or small), it is worth posting.
When the rock develops a crack, one must make an effort to repair it.
If the rock isn't cracked but you perceive it to be, talk about it here.
If it is cracked and you don't know what to do, still post it here(if you feel comfortable).
Sometimes reading over your own post can provide the insight that you need.
I hear you about the "test drivings of therapists."
There are many good ones out there and it's like going on a first date; if the chemistry isn't there, meeting up for a second time would feel like you were forcing it.
On the other hand, if an issue is shared and it makes you uncomfortable enough not to return, that needs to be explored; I know from personal experience.
Now with the friend, it appears that you might need to scale back a bit, at least for now.
There is nothing wrong with taking a little breather every now and again.
If he cannot understand that, this, by itself, may tell you something.
You may feel lonely but are never alone.
Remember that "you come first.
It is this statement that allows you to take care of you, so you can be there for others.
Health concerns only seem to exacerbate a situation.
I just exposed a part of my self metaphorically in another thread just recently.
We're always here to listen; please don't forget this.
Ryan