Lost-in-Time
07-11-2007, 11:36 PM
Do you sometimes feel like you are "making stuff up" as you go along when you are trying to fill the holes in your memory? Like, you have to have something there so maybe your mind has just created something that fits and you can't tell what is true and what isn't?
Sponsor
JACKFLASH
07-12-2007, 12:41 AM
I feel that way all the time. I wish I knew what was real and what is just confused junk in my mind. I've had to let it go. What I'm remembering is real to me. I just have to deal with it in therepy. It does make me feel crazy at times.
Jack
Jack
Survivor 1957
07-12-2007, 01:15 AM
hi guys,
Holes in the memory bank...wow my life looks like a piece of swiss cheese....i cant remember so much, when family talks of the past I just sit and listen, I do not even let them know that I have know idea of what they are talking about anymore... its not worth the conversation of "come on you remember",,
I do not make up stories I just live what i have memory of, God knows I would like to have no memories of the abuse and assaults!
k
Holes in the memory bank...wow my life looks like a piece of swiss cheese....i cant remember so much, when family talks of the past I just sit and listen, I do not even let them know that I have know idea of what they are talking about anymore... its not worth the conversation of "come on you remember",,
I do not make up stories I just live what i have memory of, God knows I would like to have no memories of the abuse and assaults!
k
Lost-in-Time
07-12-2007, 02:13 AM
Thanks to you two for answering....I agree...I would rather NOT remember....but then things come and I just doubt myself as to whether its a real memory or something I've seen on tv somewhere.....guess that's part of the reason I NEVER tell anyone..I don't want to tell any lies..
JACKFLASH
07-12-2007, 02:30 AM
LIt
I feel the same way. Some of the things I remember are so awful I don't want to think that they are true. It is hard to go from remembering nothing to remembering all these awful things but thats why people block things. What you remember real or not is your reality. It's not lieing. It's what your mind does to protect you.I've found that some of the things that I remmebered are faulse. They are in there for a reason. I'm not a person that lies. It just happened. My mind put those memories there to protect me.
I feel the same way. Some of the things I remember are so awful I don't want to think that they are true. It is hard to go from remembering nothing to remembering all these awful things but thats why people block things. What you remember real or not is your reality. It's not lieing. It's what your mind does to protect you.I've found that some of the things that I remmebered are faulse. They are in there for a reason. I'm not a person that lies. It just happened. My mind put those memories there to protect me.
trg247
07-12-2007, 02:49 AM
Hi
My memory is full of holes. I know what happened but I could not tell you the specifics for the most part. I have nightmares that can be so vicious that you would swear they were not true but they happened, unfortunately this is how I have had to fill in a lot of blanks over the years. I know my Dad's funeral happened but my memory is sketchy in what happened at the event. I agree with a previous poster in the mind is trying to protect by keeping certain events and pictures hidden. The big problem is when alot of these old hidden memories come flying out at once
take care
trg247
My memory is full of holes. I know what happened but I could not tell you the specifics for the most part. I have nightmares that can be so vicious that you would swear they were not true but they happened, unfortunately this is how I have had to fill in a lot of blanks over the years. I know my Dad's funeral happened but my memory is sketchy in what happened at the event. I agree with a previous poster in the mind is trying to protect by keeping certain events and pictures hidden. The big problem is when alot of these old hidden memories come flying out at once
take care
trg247
Lost-in-Time
07-12-2007, 02:53 AM
yeah..i've had that happen too.i think that was what got to me on monday..too much coming too fast and not being able to deal with it
isitme
07-12-2007, 05:35 AM
I know I briefly left my x when my son was 2, but I have no idea whatsoever the reason for me leaving. What happened to cause me to leave, I don't know, then I endured another 8 years! I have very few childhood memories and also get told, "surely you remember when..........." - NO!
x would always plant seeds of false situations. Then I never knew what was fact of fantasy, but it was certainly mind blowing and confusing.
x would always plant seeds of false situations. Then I never knew what was fact of fantasy, but it was certainly mind blowing and confusing.
ICC
07-12-2007, 06:17 AM
Ok something I picked up here from all is the problem with LYING> It seems to be real common amongst PTSD suffers. We don't like being lied to and we certainly don't lie ourselves. Does that make it harder? Yes, if you are not sure what happened and what the truth is. We will drive ourselves crazy in trying to be honest when in reality we just don't remember and that's OK. Sometimes we need to tell family and friends that we don't want to live in the past, walk down memory lane. They don't have to know why, just that we prefer not to. Walk away, go to the bathroom, get a drink of water, go outside. Whatever you have todo to not be apart of the past conversations. You know the words "I just don't remember" are binding words even in a legal situation. Try to use them more. It' s really not improtant that we remember it all. What's important is getting well. Knowing all of our past won't get us there. Changing our behaviour in the here and now will.
ICC
ICC
Lost-in-Time
07-12-2007, 07:15 AM
My problem isn't with telling anyone I remember or don't remember...my problem was that something was mentioned and i didn't remember which was fine..no one cared...but when i left..i started thinking....because i had a bad feeling and it happened in a place that was significant to my abuse...so when i started thikning....i started flooding....and having old memories of abuse.....as well as new thoughts ..new thoughts relating to the event that thefamily mentioned....well, the family was not there when it took palce....they just saw the aftereffects...so i would be the only one who really knew what happened....so when these new thoughts started in.....i get that feeling again of...am i just making this up to try to fill in the holes...it feels that way sometimes...like i'm writing a movie or something and when there's a hole that needs a plot i make something up......
my t says these are not lies....even if it ididn't happen that way..i'm not lying....but to me..if it didnt' happen that way..i'm lying to myself...but its just what my memory tells me which isn't a lie an dnow i'm rambling and can't stop because i got that flooding thing going an dits 5:13 and i've not been asleep all night an dneed something to eat and there is nothing in the house except frozen hamburger meat and .....and...and....and..
slap me...somebody
okay..i'll stop now
my t says these are not lies....even if it ididn't happen that way..i'm not lying....but to me..if it didnt' happen that way..i'm lying to myself...but its just what my memory tells me which isn't a lie an dnow i'm rambling and can't stop because i got that flooding thing going an dits 5:13 and i've not been asleep all night an dneed something to eat and there is nothing in the house except frozen hamburger meat and .....and...and....and..
slap me...somebody
okay..i'll stop now
ICC
07-12-2007, 07:55 AM
Oh lost........God bless you! In all the time I've known you this is the most you've been able to say. Great head start. OK holes in your memory. We all have them. I stilll say since it's in the past it doesn't matter. I have people tell me all the time that I did something or said something and I have no recollection of it at all. and you know what? I don't care anymore because it will not change today. Searching to make sure you have all the blanks filled in will drive you absolutely mad. Am I right? There is no point to it. Lost...No one but you is pressuring you to remember it all. When your mind starts to spiral in trying to fill in the gaps sit down and write something. Write that movie and write the ending as you see fit, in the best ending for you. Then let it go. Try to think of a more pleasant time, but please don't dwell on filling in the blanks. You're driving yourself crazy and it will hinder your getting well. It appears that's what you've been doing and why you are at a stand still. Go back to your therapist and tell him you need coping skills to live TODAY! To learn how to get through issues that you have now in everyday life. Go eat. I have been up all night also. Have been like this for a few weeks now. Not a full night's sleep in at least a month. An hour here or there. It makes it all harder. At least if we have that escape and healing of a good night's sleep it gives us the stamina we need to go on.
ICC
ICC
Survivor 1957
07-12-2007, 09:45 AM
lost, icc hit on the head, you need coping skills, it is not easy to break the circle of the memory issue.. lack of sleep makes it harder still, ( i was sleep deprived for years) listen to the doc and take some meds if needed to get some uninterrupted sleep.
Do not worry about the holes, if they fill in on you, work with the therapist on dealing with them. If they do not fill in I truly belive you mind is protecting you, leave it alone and live for today and the next day. Let the past stay in the past.
When family starts the remember when stuff I go do the dishes, no one ever bothers the dish washer( they dont want to help :) )
k
Do not worry about the holes, if they fill in on you, work with the therapist on dealing with them. If they do not fill in I truly belive you mind is protecting you, leave it alone and live for today and the next day. Let the past stay in the past.
When family starts the remember when stuff I go do the dishes, no one ever bothers the dish washer( they dont want to help :) )
k
Lost-in-Time
07-12-2007, 01:17 PM
but i can't stop it now..its in the mind and its Flooding and wont' stop..i'm not trying to remember now..it just's doing it....yes, coping skills..of course..and the t tried but when i get scattered i can't think...i can't focus
ICC
07-12-2007, 01:28 PM
Lost....that's what you need coping skills for. When the &^%* hits the fan you need to know how to stop it. So that if you get scattered you can stop and not suffer endlessly.
ICC
ICC
Lost-in-Time
07-12-2007, 01:33 PM
Yes.....i do need those........or i guess i need to be reminded of them....maybe.........i guess i need to go back to the to...but i dont' wat to.....i don't think i can talk to him...i odn't think i can talk to ayone.....
ICC
07-12-2007, 02:06 PM
Lost....Why do you feel you can't talk to your T ? I think if you e-mail him or make an appt. and tell him you are done with the past, you don't want to try to remember BUT would like to learn how to be happy, peaceful and contented in the here and now he will understand and be able to guide you. Are you shy? Are you really sensitive? You're a teacher , right? Any problems being with the kids?
Lost please don't be offended by me telling you that I feel you need coping skills to get through everyday life. Believe me I had none. I felt that I had the emotional maturity of a 2 year old for a long time.
ICC
Lost please don't be offended by me telling you that I feel you need coping skills to get through everyday life. Believe me I had none. I felt that I had the emotional maturity of a 2 year old for a long time.
ICC
Lost-in-Time
07-12-2007, 03:34 PM
No..i agree i need coping skills...i can't talk..because i nver have..itsso hard to get anything to come out.....and i'm not done with the past...that's the problem...it still causes too much trouble..i've never faced it....i can't...i can't get itto come out...the T has tried to deal with the now...and I avoid it all..so we just end up wasting time becasue i ca'nt get words to come out.......literally
ICC
07-12-2007, 03:37 PM
Lost....do you think if you and your T deal with today , your depression, panic and all of your fears that maybe it will make you strong enough to eventually deal with the past.
ICC
ICC
Lost-in-Time
07-12-2007, 03:45 PM
I should just shut up and let the mind calm down.....right now..i know nothing...i think nothing...everything is hopeless...my mind always jumps to hopelessness whenever theres any kind of problem...so i just need to breathe and calm down and wait and see...
thanks..i'm gonna g obreathe..maybe find those candles and a bubble bath.... or banana split or something.....
i dont konw...i just need to be calm
thanks..i'm gonna g obreathe..maybe find those candles and a bubble bath.... or banana split or something.....
i dont konw...i just need to be calm
beka6
07-12-2007, 05:55 PM
Lost,
I've waited to add my two cents here... I feel like I understand totally what you mean about not being able to let it out. I don't know your whole story, so I may be way off here.... Maybe we've shoved it down so much that we don't know how to let it out or we fear that letting it out and dealing with our past will suddenly make it tangible and overwhelming. I don't know, but sometimes I feel like I'm full of concrete and nothing will come out, as much as I'm dying to communicate how I feel. Learning to communicate all of those feelings that seem to be stuck within us is one more aspect of healing. I don't have answers for this, but you are not alone in this particular struggle.
Beka
I've waited to add my two cents here... I feel like I understand totally what you mean about not being able to let it out. I don't know your whole story, so I may be way off here.... Maybe we've shoved it down so much that we don't know how to let it out or we fear that letting it out and dealing with our past will suddenly make it tangible and overwhelming. I don't know, but sometimes I feel like I'm full of concrete and nothing will come out, as much as I'm dying to communicate how I feel. Learning to communicate all of those feelings that seem to be stuck within us is one more aspect of healing. I don't have answers for this, but you are not alone in this particular struggle.
Beka
Lost-in-Time
07-12-2007, 06:06 PM
Thanks..yes, that's it...i WANT to talk...I need something so badly....but when i get with someone....it just doesn't come....i can't get it to come out...thanks for the kind words to you and to everyone here
isitme
07-12-2007, 07:05 PM
I know you probably think you aren't getting anywhere, (probably think you're going backwards), but though it all, you are walking forwards. It's good to see, lost.
Lost-in-Time
07-12-2007, 08:12 PM
thakns...i'm tired....very tired...and wasting my life like this
isitme
07-12-2007, 08:30 PM
dead right. sid me me the bat........feel it? its time to change.....
Survivor 1957
07-12-2007, 08:34 PM
home on break and had to drop in, look at your self, you are talking, it is a start. you are communicating with all of us and that is PROGRESS!!
keep talking to us on the boards and things will start to come together for you. you may not ever remember it all (i dont) but you are going forward.
k
keep talking to us on the boards and things will start to come together for you. you may not ever remember it all (i dont) but you are going forward.
k
ICC
07-13-2007, 06:56 AM
Lost.....I have to agree. This is the most youve been able to open up since I've known you. Keep it coming. Slow but steady.
ICC
ICC
Phoenix
07-15-2007, 12:29 PM
LIT:
How are you feeling today?
If you feel up to it, drop a few lines and let us know.
Ryan
How are you feeling today?
If you feel up to it, drop a few lines and let us know.
Ryan