Hello! I woke up in such a bad mood this morning. I've been crying for about an hour. I'm due to get my period and when I'm due for my period, my depression is 1000x worse. I feel like a completely different person. My moods are worse. I can't control any of my thoughts. I feel worse of a person. When my period FINALLY decides to show up, it subsides. It's soooo weird. And as much as I try to tell myself my mood swing is b/c of my period, it doesn't help. I get this "I'm going to be alone forever feeling." I'm officially the only single one out of all the people I know. I feel like such a loser. I can't listen to anyone talk about relationships because I sometimes feel so bitter. Not that they don't deserve a relationship but I feel I do too. Yet, I'm terrified. It's very hard for me to meet people. In early May I met the guy I'm going to be partners with in a wedding. We hit it off. The following week was my friend's 30th bday. We hit it off again. We ended up kissing. The sucky thing is he just got out of a 5 year relationship. We talked through "text messaging." Then it just suddenly stopped. Now when I see him he barely talks to me. Am I diseased? I don't usually meet someone I hit it off with so quickly. Am I disappointed the communication stopped, yes! Do I understand timing sucked, yes! Do I understand he needs to do his "guy thing", yes! What I don't like is he seems to uncomfortable around me. It's killing me! It's making me feel like I did something wrong. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone forever. Ok...can't write anymore..might start to cry.

Hi, Will I be happy,
I certainly empathize with you regarding PMS....my depression is also worse before my period. I have had to make sure I monitor where I am at in my cycle so I can see the "cause and effect" situation with regard to my depressive symptoms. Even though it's horrible, and I know I'm in for a "bumpy ride" to coin a Bette Davis phrase, I have to keep telling myself that it is temporary and it will pass....so I can get relief to be my regularly depressed person(bizarre eh:)).
With regard to you being single, and feeling like you 'deserve" to be in a relationship.(I am single as well, I am 49). I think the concept of deserving something, and feeling entitled to something, has given me grief all my life. Those ideas help fuel the "woe is me, poor me" idea.
I know how to throw myself a pity party with the best of them. I am in the process of digging myself out of huge debt for the same attitude.
With regard this fellow you met, I think you do yourself a disservice by thinking it's all about you. If he has just come out of a 5 year relationship, I would think he has his own struggles around that. Personally, I wouldn't want to get into a relationship with someone who is fresh out of a long term relationship, I would be setting myself for failure and heart ache.
Dunno if anything I said helps, but there ya have it.
Cheers,
Tracker

You're not alone--on both accounts!! PMS, can we say emotional roller coaster ride? I have 5 married sisters and 3 of them are younger than me, I'm single at 39 .........and never even lived with a man before!! So I have that "loser" feeling BUT I don't dwell on it, everyone has their own path. Also I have a theory--it's inevitable that I'll end up with someone eventually so I enjoy my "free" time and work on personal growth. (Not to mention the fact that depression has ruled my life....)

Having said that I must add that a lot of married people I know are not extremely happy, not to mention those separated and divorced. At times I actually feel lucky not to have the headaches. Loneliness and being single does suck though!!

Will I be happy,

I agree that it may not be all about you. It sounds like he has his own issues. I just recently went through that myself. It took me some time to get over it but I realized that my guy just had too many issues that made him incapable of seeing what he's missing.

Positivity, you and I are so much alike it's scarey. Both 39 and single, never lived with a guy. I also have married friends, and I tell you I've learned by watching them that the "games" never seem to stop. They have problems too, but different ones. Right now I'm going through a stage where I want nothing to do with men because my last attempt at a relationship took a lot out of me. I don't want to get hurt again. It's also a convenient excuse for not taking any risks so I hope I can improve my confidence enough where I don't feel like that so much. But I also have come to love living alone because I have no one to answer to!

Positivity, you and I are so much alike it's scarey.
I think we're "soul sisters" b/c since day one anything you posted could have been written by me. WOW so I'm not alone. LOL

I always ****** up my boyfriends, so much that I just don't want to get involved and deal with the emotional trauma. Years ago an ex-boyfriend said I was poisonous and I believed that for a long time. Usually I get involved for sexual needs and the other person always wants to get serious, can't deal with committment, can we say intimacy issues?? This is what I'm working on now. A lot of dry seasons go by, right now I'm trying not to get with a man just for sex and I'm about to give in on that one....I also find it difficult to be in a relationship b/c my bi-polar always causes problems. What about you?

Positivity,

I have a pattern where basically I don't take a risk unless I'm absolutely sure I like a guy and then I usually mess it up somehow. I move too fast and can get clingy, which I know is my insecurity. At the same a guy I once dated told a mutual friend he thought I was cold. Don't know where that came from, although I also had a male friend tell me I was intimidating. Both of these comments were a long time ago.

My last guy was someone I've been in love with for many years (I've known him for a long time). He's the only guy I've ever truly been in love with and the only person I would have considered marrying, so it really screwed me up when it didn't work out.

I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out for you. How long ago did you have that break up?? The only time I truly loved a man was when I was in my 20's and it was devestating when it ended badly. It took me 5 years to get over that, it's hard. I used to wonder how people could just go from relationship to relationship without skipping a beat. For 10 years we tried 3 times to get back together again and it always blew up. Back in the day I got very abusive when drinking and took my anger out on him. (I'm a recovering alcoholic - sober almost 7 years) Since "the love of my life" didn't work out I've mostly just been single & celibate b/c I'm stunted emotionally. Seeing that in writing just made me feel pretty bad.

Hi,

It was a long distance thing actually (although he's from here originally and I've known him for years). But we still talked frequently and he was here for a visit in May. I always had some hope in the back of my mind that it would work out, but while he was here I realized there was no chance. And I so looked forward to his visit and had a great time but I knew it was over. After he left I had this huge letdown. I had nothing to look forward to, nothing to keep me going anymore. I hadn't realized thoughts of him were what kept me going, but my doc seems to think after it was over for sure it triggered my crash. There were many other things going on, but this distracted me and I didn't have it anymore. We used to talk on MSN messenger a lot and I've been staying off because I decided I need to not talk to him for awhile. He did call me on my birthday on June 20 though, which was nice. I considered him the love of my life, but it wasn't mutual which was why it was so devasting. I think my being so insecure was a big part of why it didn't work, along with him having issues, like still being in love with an ex-girlfriend he hasn't been with in years. I guess I'm emotionally stunted too, but so is he.

Sorry for going on and on, but it was very recent. I realize it wasn't meant to be. And I think the same can be said for you. You tried numerous times and it didn't work out. The positive thing is that you've been sober for 7 years. I think that's great. My grandfather was an alcoholic until the day he died.

Do you think about doing any casual dating in the future? Or do you wait for chance to put you together with someone? I guess it might take a while for this but it will happen. The guy I dated last summer before I spiraled into the psych ward still fancies me and calls me regularly only for me it ended up just being sexual. And that will only carry one so far, it becomes empty and horrible feeling, a need is being fulfilled at the expense of any emotional gratification. I've always felt that I needed to be stable so that I could be in a relationship and I still feel that I have a lot of work to do. Isn't it important to be a "whole" person with something to offer or perhaps that's just a punk out to avoid intimacy. I know you said your insecurities kicked in, did your depression surface at all to cause a problem?? In the end timing is everthing, a friend of mine always tells me that "God has a plan for me". I always think relationships are inevitable, doesn't everyone end up with someone eventually??

Ugh! I used to get horrible mood swings before my period! Sometimes I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I'd feel upset over every little thing, and would break out into unexplainable crying spells - sometimes work! When my period would start I'd be like, "OK, now it all makes sense." I haven't had a period in several months now, and I certainly don't miss them!

I know, doesn't it suck? Hormones really mess with your head.