MSNik
07-15-2007, 07:33 PM
HI all. Well, well, Nikki is in need more than ever tonight....today, I had the worst fight with my husband...he left me in a position where he refused to help me with my shots...made me go to an ER to grovel to them for help, they refused me help, and the ironic part is, I managed to give myself the damn shot anyway! It just took my anger and frusrtation level to max out before I could do it..
Long story short, I am sitting here wondering what happend to "in sickness and in health" Im actually being told that he doesnt care if I have MS- nor does he care if I live or die right now..he wants me to "Get out" and "find someone else to sponge off of". Pretty funny since I work fulltime, take care of his kids, cook, clean and bring home a pretty decent paycheck...but not funny, when you are on the recieving end of hateful things being said...by someone you love and trust. Now, I should qualify this with beer was involved. My husband DOES NOT have a drinking problem and in fact rarely drinks, but today, at a company picnic, things got out of hand....I am pretty sure the beer and heat is what got him to the point of being like this...but then again, Im not one to make excuses....he CANT Possibly have an excuse for not putting my health (shot) before being angry..there is no excuse for that...he wants me to apologize for something I didnt do, wouldnt do and didnt do..I cant bring myself to do that...so, in the end, in his words "I lose".
A big part of me says bail out..get the heck out of this relationship/marriage...the bigger part of me says he pays my heatlh benefits, he takes care of the mortgage..and he provides me with the ability to survive this thing called MS...at least, until tonight he did...tonight, he proved that I dont need him to take care of my shots..I dont need him to make me feel like less of a person because he felt like taking out his frustration on me...but in the end, he is downstairs in the A/C watching a movie, and IM up here crying my eyes out..
Sad, huh?
I never expected this today...I never expected this ever. I really believed it was marriage forever, and taking care of each other...I am either stupid or blind...or missing something obvious..
Anyone want to clue me in? Should I let this go until monday and see what happens? Or should I keep the fight going, trying to make my point?
What the heck happened to me waking up this morning, trying to get excited about a picnic where I had my resrvations about going from the get go...?
Nikki
Long story short, I am sitting here wondering what happend to "in sickness and in health" Im actually being told that he doesnt care if I have MS- nor does he care if I live or die right now..he wants me to "Get out" and "find someone else to sponge off of". Pretty funny since I work fulltime, take care of his kids, cook, clean and bring home a pretty decent paycheck...but not funny, when you are on the recieving end of hateful things being said...by someone you love and trust. Now, I should qualify this with beer was involved. My husband DOES NOT have a drinking problem and in fact rarely drinks, but today, at a company picnic, things got out of hand....I am pretty sure the beer and heat is what got him to the point of being like this...but then again, Im not one to make excuses....he CANT Possibly have an excuse for not putting my health (shot) before being angry..there is no excuse for that...he wants me to apologize for something I didnt do, wouldnt do and didnt do..I cant bring myself to do that...so, in the end, in his words "I lose".
A big part of me says bail out..get the heck out of this relationship/marriage...the bigger part of me says he pays my heatlh benefits, he takes care of the mortgage..and he provides me with the ability to survive this thing called MS...at least, until tonight he did...tonight, he proved that I dont need him to take care of my shots..I dont need him to make me feel like less of a person because he felt like taking out his frustration on me...but in the end, he is downstairs in the A/C watching a movie, and IM up here crying my eyes out..
Sad, huh?
I never expected this today...I never expected this ever. I really believed it was marriage forever, and taking care of each other...I am either stupid or blind...or missing something obvious..
Anyone want to clue me in? Should I let this go until monday and see what happens? Or should I keep the fight going, trying to make my point?
What the heck happened to me waking up this morning, trying to get excited about a picnic where I had my resrvations about going from the get go...?
Nikki
Sponsor
lilc
07-15-2007, 07:51 PM
Nikki -
Sounds to me like you are married, you are a couple, you have a relationship. You are NORMAL!
We all know that there are times when MS is harder on the people that love us than it is on us. Sounds like he's probably been hiding some feelings about it and the beer allowed him to spill the beans. He may have needed to do that. Not necessarily in the way he did it, but he wasn't in total control.
Now, you got something VERY IMPORTANT from the whole thing: You know you can do your own shot. That is a big deal, and it might very well change the dynamics of your marriage in a very positive way. When everything else about today is distant history, you will still have the ability to do your own shot.
Honestly, I've survived several fights like what you described over my life, and the relationships survived, too. I wouldn't recommend keeping it going, though. Just know for a FACT that you WILL SURVIVE, you WILL GET THROUGH IT. Just know that much tonight.
We're here for you!
Sounds to me like you are married, you are a couple, you have a relationship. You are NORMAL!
We all know that there are times when MS is harder on the people that love us than it is on us. Sounds like he's probably been hiding some feelings about it and the beer allowed him to spill the beans. He may have needed to do that. Not necessarily in the way he did it, but he wasn't in total control.
Now, you got something VERY IMPORTANT from the whole thing: You know you can do your own shot. That is a big deal, and it might very well change the dynamics of your marriage in a very positive way. When everything else about today is distant history, you will still have the ability to do your own shot.
Honestly, I've survived several fights like what you described over my life, and the relationships survived, too. I wouldn't recommend keeping it going, though. Just know for a FACT that you WILL SURVIVE, you WILL GET THROUGH IT. Just know that much tonight.
We're here for you!
MSNik
07-15-2007, 08:02 PM
Thanks LILC.
I really needed to hear that right now. Im actually afraid to talk to him, or to even go downstairs...he is sitting there fuming, im sure.
Yup, your right, I proved I could do it...and Im proud of myself.I also know that next time, Ill try again to do it myself....but at the same time, I thought men were supposed to take care of their wives...tonight, he gave me the impression that until I kiss his A_S, its not going to happen. I do take care of him..beyond any reasonable expectations...people always tell me I do too much. Maybe I do...but I thought that was what a marriage was...50-50. Right now, I feel like I do more like 80-20 with me doing the hard stuff.....in his mind, bringing home a paycheck is more than enough.
I dont know. Im scared. I dont know if I want to change my life over this....I mean considering what I am thinking right now, we are talking a huge change...Im not ready..nor do I feel healthy enough to deal with it...but, I cant be walked on like this...I really cant. Its not healthy either.
Anyway, thanks for what you said. I appreciate hearing from you. I hope you are okay..>I read where you said "lots' happening in your world...Im praying you are well.
We need you...
Hugs.
N
I really needed to hear that right now. Im actually afraid to talk to him, or to even go downstairs...he is sitting there fuming, im sure.
Yup, your right, I proved I could do it...and Im proud of myself.I also know that next time, Ill try again to do it myself....but at the same time, I thought men were supposed to take care of their wives...tonight, he gave me the impression that until I kiss his A_S, its not going to happen. I do take care of him..beyond any reasonable expectations...people always tell me I do too much. Maybe I do...but I thought that was what a marriage was...50-50. Right now, I feel like I do more like 80-20 with me doing the hard stuff.....in his mind, bringing home a paycheck is more than enough.
I dont know. Im scared. I dont know if I want to change my life over this....I mean considering what I am thinking right now, we are talking a huge change...Im not ready..nor do I feel healthy enough to deal with it...but, I cant be walked on like this...I really cant. Its not healthy either.
Anyway, thanks for what you said. I appreciate hearing from you. I hope you are okay..>I read where you said "lots' happening in your world...Im praying you are well.
We need you...
Hugs.
N
w0rldflame
07-15-2007, 08:41 PM
Hi Nikki,
I now that this is all very hard on you. I know I cant speak for him or for you since I am not there to see it all.
what I have learned with my husband at least is that he loves me and wants to help me but doesnt always know how, and yes he gets frustrated with things going on and may lose is cool, but it has more to do with his own feeling of inability to help and his own not knowing how to cope with losing the healthy wife he new. now of course losing his cool doesnt help the situation but for some reason thats how it is vented.
I would hope that this was the same with your husband, maybe everytime he gives you a shot, he is thinking he wished that he knew how to react and that he knew how to make you better, he cant make you better but I am sure somewhere in his male ego he wants to and he feels powerless to do it.
the fact that he said you were just moching ( sorry cant spell it ) off of him when you work full-time shows he was not in a rational frame of mind and was just venting his frustration about the whole situation but rather then say he hated the MS he vented it at you. I am sure once he has some time to cool down he will realize how much what he said hurt and he will feel horriable for it. if he doesnt approach you, I would wait a day or two for him to cool down and then approach him about what he said. let him know the words hurt and did he really mean what he said, does he really feel you are moching ( theres that word again ) off of him even though you work full-time. does he really want you to leave or is there something else. usually when someone snaps like that its because they have been letting their own fear and worry build inside rather then bring it to you, because they dont want to stress you further when they know how much you are already dealing with. but again I can only assume this is the case.
the relationship and reaction sound pretty normal, and it would probably be best to wait until you both calm down a bit so that things are not said in the heat of emotion and you can both talk and really get down to what is going on and how you both feel and are dealing with it.
I will send all love and positive thought your way as well. :)
w0rldflame
I now that this is all very hard on you. I know I cant speak for him or for you since I am not there to see it all.
what I have learned with my husband at least is that he loves me and wants to help me but doesnt always know how, and yes he gets frustrated with things going on and may lose is cool, but it has more to do with his own feeling of inability to help and his own not knowing how to cope with losing the healthy wife he new. now of course losing his cool doesnt help the situation but for some reason thats how it is vented.
I would hope that this was the same with your husband, maybe everytime he gives you a shot, he is thinking he wished that he knew how to react and that he knew how to make you better, he cant make you better but I am sure somewhere in his male ego he wants to and he feels powerless to do it.
the fact that he said you were just moching ( sorry cant spell it ) off of him when you work full-time shows he was not in a rational frame of mind and was just venting his frustration about the whole situation but rather then say he hated the MS he vented it at you. I am sure once he has some time to cool down he will realize how much what he said hurt and he will feel horriable for it. if he doesnt approach you, I would wait a day or two for him to cool down and then approach him about what he said. let him know the words hurt and did he really mean what he said, does he really feel you are moching ( theres that word again ) off of him even though you work full-time. does he really want you to leave or is there something else. usually when someone snaps like that its because they have been letting their own fear and worry build inside rather then bring it to you, because they dont want to stress you further when they know how much you are already dealing with. but again I can only assume this is the case.
the relationship and reaction sound pretty normal, and it would probably be best to wait until you both calm down a bit so that things are not said in the heat of emotion and you can both talk and really get down to what is going on and how you both feel and are dealing with it.
I will send all love and positive thought your way as well. :)
w0rldflame
MSNik
07-15-2007, 08:50 PM
Thanks worldflame..
Part of what you said makes perfect sense, and there is more to this than I can explain on this board. Something else happened today,which has nothing to do with me, or MS- which really set him off....Add a few beers to the mix and you have a bad situation....you might be right about his feeling incompetent- that might very well be true....but no matter what, i cant get past the feeling that I was LIED to, that "he will always take care of me" is conditional- and I dont do well with conditions. I spend too much time investing myself in his problems, his kids, ex wife, and legal crap...I said I would marry him knowing all this, and I have never shrugged off my part. Tonight, he really hurt me.
But, I apprecaite you giving me your perspective on this. I do...thank you.
Hugs,
And, feel better would ya??;)
Nikki
Part of what you said makes perfect sense, and there is more to this than I can explain on this board. Something else happened today,which has nothing to do with me, or MS- which really set him off....Add a few beers to the mix and you have a bad situation....you might be right about his feeling incompetent- that might very well be true....but no matter what, i cant get past the feeling that I was LIED to, that "he will always take care of me" is conditional- and I dont do well with conditions. I spend too much time investing myself in his problems, his kids, ex wife, and legal crap...I said I would marry him knowing all this, and I have never shrugged off my part. Tonight, he really hurt me.
But, I apprecaite you giving me your perspective on this. I do...thank you.
Hugs,
And, feel better would ya??;)
Nikki
shellymay
07-15-2007, 09:18 PM
MSNik,
Again, I am very sorry for what you are going through. I agree that maybe he is just feeling frustrated about what MS is doing to you and he feels helpless. I say to let him cool off before you say anything. Who knows, maybe he will come to you first and say that he is sorry for what he said. Sometimes we say things in the heat of being mad that we really don't mean.
As far as the shot, YEAH, you did it yourself. I am so proud of you because I know that had to be tough. I am not sure that I could do that to myself. Way to go!!
Hang in there!! Give hime time to cool off and see where it goes from there. I know that my husband gets frustrated sometimes because of the things that I am going through and he feels helpless and can't stand to see me going through these things. Keep us informed and if you need to talk remember that we are always here for you.
Michelle
Again, I am very sorry for what you are going through. I agree that maybe he is just feeling frustrated about what MS is doing to you and he feels helpless. I say to let him cool off before you say anything. Who knows, maybe he will come to you first and say that he is sorry for what he said. Sometimes we say things in the heat of being mad that we really don't mean.
As far as the shot, YEAH, you did it yourself. I am so proud of you because I know that had to be tough. I am not sure that I could do that to myself. Way to go!!
Hang in there!! Give hime time to cool off and see where it goes from there. I know that my husband gets frustrated sometimes because of the things that I am going through and he feels helpless and can't stand to see me going through these things. Keep us informed and if you need to talk remember that we are always here for you.
Michelle
glamour girl
07-15-2007, 09:51 PM
Nikki,
Its normally your name i see when reading posts, helping out others. It sad to hear your what going through . Although Glad to hear you became strong enough to give yr self the shot. I'm starting Avonex again this week. My hubby hated giving them to me cause i'd always sook to psych myself up. We'd always end up fighting too... confrontation is the worst, not being able to approach him when his angry.I know im on the other side of the world with time difference and all. But by the time you read this. Hope the dust has settled and you both have talked through yr issues... Gosh you have so much to deal with.. hope your ok.. take care of YOU. .x.
Its normally your name i see when reading posts, helping out others. It sad to hear your what going through . Although Glad to hear you became strong enough to give yr self the shot. I'm starting Avonex again this week. My hubby hated giving them to me cause i'd always sook to psych myself up. We'd always end up fighting too... confrontation is the worst, not being able to approach him when his angry.I know im on the other side of the world with time difference and all. But by the time you read this. Hope the dust has settled and you both have talked through yr issues... Gosh you have so much to deal with.. hope your ok.. take care of YOU. .x.
duttin
07-15-2007, 10:29 PM
Nikki,
You've gotten very good advice here.
You're right marriage should be for better and worse sickeness and health.You're hubby has always been fairly decent when it comes to your shots.
I'm not making excuses for him,but we all have bad days and when guys get with their buddy's and beer is involved they act like complete a****..
I'd ignore him,give him the silent treatment and PLEASE don't beat yourself up.Your a good wife(takes a special person to raise another womens children),your hard working and you take care of your hubby.
Give him time to think about what he said,there's no excuse for his behavior beer invovled or not.
We as married couples have our spats and married 18 years(well seperated now)we've had some doozies with the verbal.Its normal at times.
My hubby and I are seperated over the fact that I have MS and he can't handle it.He has to come to terms with it.If he'd blow like your hubby did today,it would do him good,but he hides his feelings.
Now you can do your shots and thats a milestone.Remember Nikki,this disease is fairly new to all of us here and we are still learning and so is our spouses.They see us stumble,visually impaired,walk funny ,wooble,try to make the mad dash to the bathroom( some times not soon enough) and they are as helpless as we.They know this darn disease is there,but its not like an incision from a surgery that they can visually see.We are all in a learning mode and with MS anything is possible and when these symptoms happen,they are always at the most inconvenient times.
Try to relax have a smoke for you,oh heck have 2 one for you and one for me.Don't let yourself get this stressed out or your butt is gonna end up in a hospital bed with more steroids!!!!!You just finished one attack.
Oh,I'd make him sleep on the couch!!!!!!
I'm curious,did you auto-inject or self inject :) .Now you know you can do it,I'm proud of you.You get some sleep.
You've gotten very good advice here.
You're right marriage should be for better and worse sickeness and health.You're hubby has always been fairly decent when it comes to your shots.
I'm not making excuses for him,but we all have bad days and when guys get with their buddy's and beer is involved they act like complete a****..
I'd ignore him,give him the silent treatment and PLEASE don't beat yourself up.Your a good wife(takes a special person to raise another womens children),your hard working and you take care of your hubby.
Give him time to think about what he said,there's no excuse for his behavior beer invovled or not.
We as married couples have our spats and married 18 years(well seperated now)we've had some doozies with the verbal.Its normal at times.
My hubby and I are seperated over the fact that I have MS and he can't handle it.He has to come to terms with it.If he'd blow like your hubby did today,it would do him good,but he hides his feelings.
Now you can do your shots and thats a milestone.Remember Nikki,this disease is fairly new to all of us here and we are still learning and so is our spouses.They see us stumble,visually impaired,walk funny ,wooble,try to make the mad dash to the bathroom( some times not soon enough) and they are as helpless as we.They know this darn disease is there,but its not like an incision from a surgery that they can visually see.We are all in a learning mode and with MS anything is possible and when these symptoms happen,they are always at the most inconvenient times.
Try to relax have a smoke for you,oh heck have 2 one for you and one for me.Don't let yourself get this stressed out or your butt is gonna end up in a hospital bed with more steroids!!!!!You just finished one attack.
Oh,I'd make him sleep on the couch!!!!!!
I'm curious,did you auto-inject or self inject :) .Now you know you can do it,I'm proud of you.You get some sleep.
bella67
07-16-2007, 12:58 AM
Awwe Nik,
If anyone deserves this less it's you. I almost couldn't post on this because I am so jaded by what I go through with my own husband. I just don't want to sound bitter or give you wrong advice. One nite, that's all you need. Let him stew, get the booze out of his system, and then wait for him to fall asleep. Then when he's awake and sober the next day, I'd sit him down and have a BIG heart to heart. You don't have to give him an ultimatum, but you DO need to tell him how he really hurt you. How you felt devalued, and unappreciated. He might not even remember what he said. I get that often with mine since he's a pro at the drinking thing. He always claims he remembers nothing. But, that's ok, you have a memory, and you also have feelings that are being hurt.
The fact you did your shot tonight did say alot. It did show strength, but you know what? Sometimes you don't want to be hercules, you just want to be YOU. It's ok if you can't do something, or if you need help. If your husband is having a hard time with all of this, maybe he needs to speak to someone. This will not just go away. Even if you say this is an isolated incident, it is obviously a build up from other things happening. It is in NO way your fault. It is nobody's fault actually. But, you do need to talk things out soon. For me writing letters always helped. It was more therapeutic to get it all out with no interruptions.
I have no doubt you two can get past this. The love is there, it's just the communication that needs work.
luv n hugz,
Lisa
If anyone deserves this less it's you. I almost couldn't post on this because I am so jaded by what I go through with my own husband. I just don't want to sound bitter or give you wrong advice. One nite, that's all you need. Let him stew, get the booze out of his system, and then wait for him to fall asleep. Then when he's awake and sober the next day, I'd sit him down and have a BIG heart to heart. You don't have to give him an ultimatum, but you DO need to tell him how he really hurt you. How you felt devalued, and unappreciated. He might not even remember what he said. I get that often with mine since he's a pro at the drinking thing. He always claims he remembers nothing. But, that's ok, you have a memory, and you also have feelings that are being hurt.
The fact you did your shot tonight did say alot. It did show strength, but you know what? Sometimes you don't want to be hercules, you just want to be YOU. It's ok if you can't do something, or if you need help. If your husband is having a hard time with all of this, maybe he needs to speak to someone. This will not just go away. Even if you say this is an isolated incident, it is obviously a build up from other things happening. It is in NO way your fault. It is nobody's fault actually. But, you do need to talk things out soon. For me writing letters always helped. It was more therapeutic to get it all out with no interruptions.
I have no doubt you two can get past this. The love is there, it's just the communication that needs work.
luv n hugz,
Lisa
CJRT
07-16-2007, 09:37 AM
Sending big hugs.
Remember our families are going through this too. And its hard to watch a family member struggle. Maybe your husband could benefit from talking to your doctor or minister and let out his frustrations. I am willing to bet he's scared, frustrated, disappointed, threatened, etc. because you are sick. Yes we all promise for better or worse, in sickness and in health. But sometimes the other spouse does feel helpless and worried and doesn't always want to compound our problems with their worries. Talking to someone else that can reassure him about you may help.
Marriage is never 50-50. Oh, it might happen a couple days out of the life of the marriage, but one person is always having to give more. And in our marriage that shifts around enough that I feel it all comes out more or less equal.
Hoping for a good talk with your husband and out of bad things good often happens and you were able to give yourself your shot, so see, you did get one good thing. Now you know you can do it yourself.
Remember our families are going through this too. And its hard to watch a family member struggle. Maybe your husband could benefit from talking to your doctor or minister and let out his frustrations. I am willing to bet he's scared, frustrated, disappointed, threatened, etc. because you are sick. Yes we all promise for better or worse, in sickness and in health. But sometimes the other spouse does feel helpless and worried and doesn't always want to compound our problems with their worries. Talking to someone else that can reassure him about you may help.
Marriage is never 50-50. Oh, it might happen a couple days out of the life of the marriage, but one person is always having to give more. And in our marriage that shifts around enough that I feel it all comes out more or less equal.
Hoping for a good talk with your husband and out of bad things good often happens and you were able to give yourself your shot, so see, you did get one good thing. Now you know you can do it yourself.
MSNik
07-16-2007, 10:30 AM
:bouncing: Thank you everyone!:)
You guys really came thru for me last night and I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you. I want to qualify one thing, which allot of you asked me or mentioned. The fight we had HAD NOTHING to do with MS; however, because of my MS, it really affected me. From being outside in the heat too long (when it started) to knowing I had to get home to get my shot, the fight itself, was about something my (at the time) drunk husband THOUGHT he heard me say.....what this did, was affect everything from fighting about who was driving (like I was going to get into a car with him behind the wheel----NOT) to him saying things about MY PAST (which he exaggerated beyond belief, to the point where the logical thing to ask myself is "does he really believe this **** he is saying, or is he soo drunk he is ad-libbing as he goes along?) To getting home safely, only to have him continue the fight behind closed doors and REFUSE to help me with my shot, to me being a basket case wondering if its STUPID of ME to think he actually does care about me, my health issues and our future...
The shot, Nuffs- I autoinjected it. The worst part about this is I USED TO DO MY SHOTS WITH THE AUTOINJECTOR all the time. ALONE. Just ME. However, they (rebif nurses) told me TO STOP USING THE autoinjector (too many side effects, bruising, etc from being too thin) and to ONLY self inject. SO last nights shot was of all places in my inner arm on my right side. MY left hand is the one which does NOT work at all...and Im right handed....so, trying to self inject on my right side, with my left hand was out of the question...I decided to give it my best shot with my left hand, using the auto-injector and almost couldnt hit the button to do it..but I did. Am I proud of myself...yes, but not for giving myself the shot; Im proud of myself for not backing down and skipping it altogether and NOT allowing his ugly , angry words, to convince me to start apologizing (for something I didnt do) and beg him to help me. THAT, Im PROUD of.
SO, here it is the next morning. I didnt hear him leave this morning, but he did call me at 8 am exactly. He told me that he "asked around" of the people we were sitting with, and asked if anyone heard me say what I SWORE I didnt say....hey- wonders never cease. NO ONE HEARD ME SAY WHAT HE THOUGHT HE HEARD. (maybe cuz I didnt say it?:dizzy: )
He did apologize and I didnt let him off the hook. We have now spoken 4 times in one hour..and each time I keep saying that I thought, NO MATTER WHAT that my health should come before anything else...and no matter how mad he is, no matter what he is dealing with, withholding help with a shot, or not wanting to get out of the heat when I ask nicely..or not getting me water, when I practically beg for it is NOT GOING TO FLY. I also reminded him that the ugly hateful hurtful things he said arent going to just dissappear from my frontal lobe (he doesnt know what that is) overnight...and that if he means half of his apology, he better forget saying it and start ACTING like it. :mad: Yeah, I was angry! Im not letting him off the hook that easily. My husband needs to learn that talk is cheap.
I realized quite a few things from reading all of your posts. Yes, Im strong. Glamour Girl said its normally ME who is helping other people on this board..and she's right. But, I hope that this shows all of you that we are all in the same boat in the end....we really need each other to get thru the days when things are harder than others...and that relationships are really tough with MS. Many of you reminded me of the 50-50 rule, and some pointed out that marriage is more give than take; I read once that it CANT be 50-50, it needs to be 100-100 and I think there is truth in that statement. Several of you mentioned getting my husband into counseling with anyone who might help. We have actually done that, and it didnt help. He wont talk, and when he does, its one word answers. Its me that probably needs to go talk to someone (but our benefits ran out for counseling for the year and I have to wait until December 15th to use them again) and I probably will utilize them when I can...(PT benefits is what Im working on at this time, my hand is KILLING me;) ) but overall, men who dont want to communicate can be very difficult to live with. You all seem to have one in your life (at least, at times) some of you are going thru alot more than I am with your spouses; and I now have a new appreciation for that- and some of you have chosen to try to make things work with spouses who DONT DESERVE YOU. I have a new appreciation for that, too. There was a point last night when I had to ask myself, "do I want to live like this for the security, or do I want to get away from this and try to deal with my life on my own?" I can now really understand how hard this question is to answer.
So, Ill wrap it up before this becomes a book. I think the dust has settled. I think he will come home and try to forget this happened, and I sincererly doubt that he will ever try to use a shot against me again! Its up to me now to be on the defensive, chose to forgive and forget or chose to forgive and watch my back....Im guessing that this is the fight of the year, and things wont escalate like that again for some time...however, I couldnt have made it thru the night or this morning without having read all of your posts....
For every person here who has thanked me for the advice I have given them; I thank you twice as much for caring about me when I needed to know someone did. All of you are special people and I love you all. Healthy day, okay?
Hugs,
Nikki
You guys really came thru for me last night and I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you. I want to qualify one thing, which allot of you asked me or mentioned. The fight we had HAD NOTHING to do with MS; however, because of my MS, it really affected me. From being outside in the heat too long (when it started) to knowing I had to get home to get my shot, the fight itself, was about something my (at the time) drunk husband THOUGHT he heard me say.....what this did, was affect everything from fighting about who was driving (like I was going to get into a car with him behind the wheel----NOT) to him saying things about MY PAST (which he exaggerated beyond belief, to the point where the logical thing to ask myself is "does he really believe this **** he is saying, or is he soo drunk he is ad-libbing as he goes along?) To getting home safely, only to have him continue the fight behind closed doors and REFUSE to help me with my shot, to me being a basket case wondering if its STUPID of ME to think he actually does care about me, my health issues and our future...
The shot, Nuffs- I autoinjected it. The worst part about this is I USED TO DO MY SHOTS WITH THE AUTOINJECTOR all the time. ALONE. Just ME. However, they (rebif nurses) told me TO STOP USING THE autoinjector (too many side effects, bruising, etc from being too thin) and to ONLY self inject. SO last nights shot was of all places in my inner arm on my right side. MY left hand is the one which does NOT work at all...and Im right handed....so, trying to self inject on my right side, with my left hand was out of the question...I decided to give it my best shot with my left hand, using the auto-injector and almost couldnt hit the button to do it..but I did. Am I proud of myself...yes, but not for giving myself the shot; Im proud of myself for not backing down and skipping it altogether and NOT allowing his ugly , angry words, to convince me to start apologizing (for something I didnt do) and beg him to help me. THAT, Im PROUD of.
SO, here it is the next morning. I didnt hear him leave this morning, but he did call me at 8 am exactly. He told me that he "asked around" of the people we were sitting with, and asked if anyone heard me say what I SWORE I didnt say....hey- wonders never cease. NO ONE HEARD ME SAY WHAT HE THOUGHT HE HEARD. (maybe cuz I didnt say it?:dizzy: )
He did apologize and I didnt let him off the hook. We have now spoken 4 times in one hour..and each time I keep saying that I thought, NO MATTER WHAT that my health should come before anything else...and no matter how mad he is, no matter what he is dealing with, withholding help with a shot, or not wanting to get out of the heat when I ask nicely..or not getting me water, when I practically beg for it is NOT GOING TO FLY. I also reminded him that the ugly hateful hurtful things he said arent going to just dissappear from my frontal lobe (he doesnt know what that is) overnight...and that if he means half of his apology, he better forget saying it and start ACTING like it. :mad: Yeah, I was angry! Im not letting him off the hook that easily. My husband needs to learn that talk is cheap.
I realized quite a few things from reading all of your posts. Yes, Im strong. Glamour Girl said its normally ME who is helping other people on this board..and she's right. But, I hope that this shows all of you that we are all in the same boat in the end....we really need each other to get thru the days when things are harder than others...and that relationships are really tough with MS. Many of you reminded me of the 50-50 rule, and some pointed out that marriage is more give than take; I read once that it CANT be 50-50, it needs to be 100-100 and I think there is truth in that statement. Several of you mentioned getting my husband into counseling with anyone who might help. We have actually done that, and it didnt help. He wont talk, and when he does, its one word answers. Its me that probably needs to go talk to someone (but our benefits ran out for counseling for the year and I have to wait until December 15th to use them again) and I probably will utilize them when I can...(PT benefits is what Im working on at this time, my hand is KILLING me;) ) but overall, men who dont want to communicate can be very difficult to live with. You all seem to have one in your life (at least, at times) some of you are going thru alot more than I am with your spouses; and I now have a new appreciation for that- and some of you have chosen to try to make things work with spouses who DONT DESERVE YOU. I have a new appreciation for that, too. There was a point last night when I had to ask myself, "do I want to live like this for the security, or do I want to get away from this and try to deal with my life on my own?" I can now really understand how hard this question is to answer.
So, Ill wrap it up before this becomes a book. I think the dust has settled. I think he will come home and try to forget this happened, and I sincererly doubt that he will ever try to use a shot against me again! Its up to me now to be on the defensive, chose to forgive and forget or chose to forgive and watch my back....Im guessing that this is the fight of the year, and things wont escalate like that again for some time...however, I couldnt have made it thru the night or this morning without having read all of your posts....
For every person here who has thanked me for the advice I have given them; I thank you twice as much for caring about me when I needed to know someone did. All of you are special people and I love you all. Healthy day, okay?
Hugs,
Nikki
KTMorra
07-16-2007, 12:20 PM
Nikki
I just got on line now and noticed your postings last night. Im sorry I didn't respond sooner but it looks like you handled youself very very well! You were very emotionally healthy by knowing you can't argue with a drunk person and to let him sober up and come to his senses.
I would predict that he will be doing some serious kissing up for the next few days and that this will never ever happen again.
Im proud of you, ((Huggs))
Kt
I just got on line now and noticed your postings last night. Im sorry I didn't respond sooner but it looks like you handled youself very very well! You were very emotionally healthy by knowing you can't argue with a drunk person and to let him sober up and come to his senses.
I would predict that he will be doing some serious kissing up for the next few days and that this will never ever happen again.
Im proud of you, ((Huggs))
Kt
Sarahlou
07-16-2007, 12:56 PM
Hey Nikki,
I just wanted to say that i'm here for you as you were for me when i needed help!!
Men can be so arrogant at times and unthoughtful!! I really hope you can both work this out.................
Keep strong and stay positive..........
Sarahlou xx
I just wanted to say that i'm here for you as you were for me when i needed help!!
Men can be so arrogant at times and unthoughtful!! I really hope you can both work this out.................
Keep strong and stay positive..........
Sarahlou xx
hotflash
07-16-2007, 02:53 PM
Hi Nikki
I am three hours behind you all so I didn't read your post until now. I was married to someone like that once and it was all about what he thought for that moment. It has nothing to do about your illness but in his mind he felt he was teaching you a lesson when he didn't give you your shot and by the way you wouldn't want someone who is that angry to give you the shot at that moment. You are right not to apologize because someone has alcohol induced delusions. I would not let him off the hook though as he only beleived other people over the woman he loves. I would sit down with him tonight and remind him of the things he said to you and remind him of who is running the household and let him know that you could say hurtful things to such as you don't need to put up with the things his kids do since their not yours but you don't do that because you love him and the kids. Let him know everything that you supply in the relationship and that you think that alcohol or no alcohol the most hurtful thing is that he takes the word of co-workers over that of his wife and this is going to need some serious a** kissing. Just don't let him off the hook so fast because he talked with other and it proved to be true, he needs to take the word of his WIFE. Well that's my advice
hotflash
I am three hours behind you all so I didn't read your post until now. I was married to someone like that once and it was all about what he thought for that moment. It has nothing to do about your illness but in his mind he felt he was teaching you a lesson when he didn't give you your shot and by the way you wouldn't want someone who is that angry to give you the shot at that moment. You are right not to apologize because someone has alcohol induced delusions. I would not let him off the hook though as he only beleived other people over the woman he loves. I would sit down with him tonight and remind him of the things he said to you and remind him of who is running the household and let him know that you could say hurtful things to such as you don't need to put up with the things his kids do since their not yours but you don't do that because you love him and the kids. Let him know everything that you supply in the relationship and that you think that alcohol or no alcohol the most hurtful thing is that he takes the word of co-workers over that of his wife and this is going to need some serious a** kissing. Just don't let him off the hook so fast because he talked with other and it proved to be true, he needs to take the word of his WIFE. Well that's my advice
hotflash
duttin
07-16-2007, 03:44 PM
Nikki,
I am so proud of you that you took your health first and didn't cave into your hubbies stupidity and you done that darn shot(pill form 2009)Not that far away.
This hopefully is an isolated verbal war,that will be a vague remberance down the road,Remember it takes a bigger person to apologize abd hubby has after he came to sobriety and realized what a donkey he portrayed himself to be.
Like you said this was out of character for him,but when harsh words are said it is the toss up to forgive and forget or forget and forgive.
I have never for gave or will I ever forget when my seperated hubby called me a crippled ****** B****.Over something stupid that I couldn't do.Words do hurt.
Nikki,I hope you had a much better day today.
I am so proud of you that you took your health first and didn't cave into your hubbies stupidity and you done that darn shot(pill form 2009)Not that far away.
This hopefully is an isolated verbal war,that will be a vague remberance down the road,Remember it takes a bigger person to apologize abd hubby has after he came to sobriety and realized what a donkey he portrayed himself to be.
Like you said this was out of character for him,but when harsh words are said it is the toss up to forgive and forget or forget and forgive.
I have never for gave or will I ever forget when my seperated hubby called me a crippled ****** B****.Over something stupid that I couldn't do.Words do hurt.
Nikki,I hope you had a much better day today.
MSNik
07-16-2007, 05:38 PM
HI everyone, thanks again for all the GREAT words of ADVICE, the SUPPORT and LOVE you have all SHOWN me! IT is so appreciated. I didnt bother trying to go to work today, and my husband has been calling. Some calls, I have taken, others I have let go to voice mail...most of them are apologies, one was even a question about my kitty, who had to go to the vet- but Im taking this very cautiously. To be honest, I dont even want to talk to him. Im having a hard time letting go of the hurt- which isnt like me. I usually bounce back pretty fast...but this time, the hurt was deep.
However, he is on his way home from work now, and I guess I will make an effort to try to act normal and not let his attempts at an apology go totally unnoticed....
Let you know how that works out!;)
Thank you again, ALL OF YOU.
Nikki
However, he is on his way home from work now, and I guess I will make an effort to try to act normal and not let his attempts at an apology go totally unnoticed....
Let you know how that works out!;)
Thank you again, ALL OF YOU.
Nikki
Lisa_P
07-16-2007, 05:59 PM
The most difficult thing is sometimes the inabilty to UN-SAY hurtful things. I think a lot of relationships (from best friends in school to, yes, marriages) are seriously tested by this. My mother always told me we choose how we react. That a reaction doesn't have to be uncontrolled and unthinking and totally selfish--like a two-year old in the throes of a tantrum... I think your husband is learning this lesson today. YOU are a probably still reeling from it all, but his many phone calls and messages and apologies... say that he regrets hurting you, yes, and is struggling with the words he can't unsay and the fact that he really let you down in a way he never thought he would do -- he said he'd take care you you always, yes? Believe he wants to, believe he got totally frustrated with everything and took it out on you, believe (hard as it is) that it wasn't entirely directed at you -- you were the "lucky" target. He's probably hearing those vows over and over in his head, too-- with a huge dose of guilt... Believe in his INTENTION to be a good husband to you.
MSNik
07-16-2007, 06:03 PM
Wow Lisa...he would probably agree with everything you said....he would probably appreciate it, too. You put it into words he could never say...but Im the smart one in the family, and being so- Im going to really think about what you wrote hard. You made alot of sense...and so did your mom, tell her thanks! My mom always taught us that when you dont know what to do, do nothing because the answer will show itself....that applies here, too. I have to wait and see what developes, not jump to conclusions.
I appreciate your words of wisdom. And, I hope you are right that he learned his lesson. Its not my desire to teach him one, believe me. He did this to himeslf. But, Ill listen to you and let you know how this turns out..
thanks very much. You gave me something positive to think about.
Nikki
I appreciate your words of wisdom. And, I hope you are right that he learned his lesson. Its not my desire to teach him one, believe me. He did this to himeslf. But, Ill listen to you and let you know how this turns out..
thanks very much. You gave me something positive to think about.
Nikki
hotflash
07-16-2007, 06:58 PM
Hey Nikki
Quick afterthought, alcohol makes people say and do things they would never do otherwise. know one knows what goes on in other peoples relationships, if this is the first time that being drunk has made him act this way go ahead and let him off the hook. If however there has been a few incidents then let him kiss your a** for a few days. Talking about moms mine taught us if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. Maybe you can get out of having to cook dinner and have him take you to your favorite restaruant for a nice dinner to smooth things over and have a husband-wife evening alone and a quiet conversation with no interruptions.
hotflash
Quick afterthought, alcohol makes people say and do things they would never do otherwise. know one knows what goes on in other peoples relationships, if this is the first time that being drunk has made him act this way go ahead and let him off the hook. If however there has been a few incidents then let him kiss your a** for a few days. Talking about moms mine taught us if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. Maybe you can get out of having to cook dinner and have him take you to your favorite restaruant for a nice dinner to smooth things over and have a husband-wife evening alone and a quiet conversation with no interruptions.
hotflash
onlyjulie
07-17-2007, 01:06 AM
Nikki
I think you have gotten alot of good advice, and I dont think I can add anything, but I am very proud of you for taking the shot by yourself.. i dont think I could ever do that...
You know I think alot of people really look up to you and I am glad everyone is giving you the advice you need..
Take Care Hon,
Julie
I think you have gotten alot of good advice, and I dont think I can add anything, but I am very proud of you for taking the shot by yourself.. i dont think I could ever do that...
You know I think alot of people really look up to you and I am glad everyone is giving you the advice you need..
Take Care Hon,
Julie
glamour girl
07-17-2007, 05:22 AM
hi there Nikki,
glad you took the day off work. Sounds like you needed some ME time. Hope it helped. Yes you have got good advice from people or should i say friends, cause even though none of us have met, I sense the warmth that surrounds you from all the posts. Stay strong and hope everything works out for you. I wish we could scoop you up and give you a big group hug. Keep us all posted. yr in my thoughts. xx
glad you took the day off work. Sounds like you needed some ME time. Hope it helped. Yes you have got good advice from people or should i say friends, cause even though none of us have met, I sense the warmth that surrounds you from all the posts. Stay strong and hope everything works out for you. I wish we could scoop you up and give you a big group hug. Keep us all posted. yr in my thoughts. xx
CJRT
07-17-2007, 08:20 AM
I have a question concerning the shots. Are they difficult to give? Painful?
the reason I am asking is that if I am indeed Dx-ed and get put on something where I have to give myself shots, I was just wondering.
I currently give myself a B-12 shot each month. I couldn't do it by myself for years. My husband always did it and it was always really painful. Finally I bet the bullet and did it myself. Not only was it NOT as painful as his were, but I found I really had no trouble at all. I actually felt like I could have been doing this all along. But I have no clue about the Rebif,etc. shots so I was just wondering if they are more difficult to give or do they have to go in a certain place, etc. I inject the b-12 in my thigh muscles.
Thanks,
CJ
the reason I am asking is that if I am indeed Dx-ed and get put on something where I have to give myself shots, I was just wondering.
I currently give myself a B-12 shot each month. I couldn't do it by myself for years. My husband always did it and it was always really painful. Finally I bet the bullet and did it myself. Not only was it NOT as painful as his were, but I found I really had no trouble at all. I actually felt like I could have been doing this all along. But I have no clue about the Rebif,etc. shots so I was just wondering if they are more difficult to give or do they have to go in a certain place, etc. I inject the b-12 in my thigh muscles.
Thanks,
CJ
MSNik
07-17-2007, 08:43 AM
CJRT,
I think this is in the wrong place. No one is going to read this but me here... Why dont you start your own thread on this so that everyone can contribute an answer for you?
To give you a quick answer: It depends, using the auto-injector, piece of cake...if you can use it. If you decide to use the syringe, its still NOT hard- but it takes some getting used to. Because you need both hands to do it, thats where I have some issues, I only have use of one hand MOST of the time.
You can do it. I know you can!
Nikki
I think this is in the wrong place. No one is going to read this but me here... Why dont you start your own thread on this so that everyone can contribute an answer for you?
To give you a quick answer: It depends, using the auto-injector, piece of cake...if you can use it. If you decide to use the syringe, its still NOT hard- but it takes some getting used to. Because you need both hands to do it, thats where I have some issues, I only have use of one hand MOST of the time.
You can do it. I know you can!
Nikki
CJRT
07-17-2007, 09:21 AM
CJRT,
I think this is in the wrong place. No one is going to read this but me here... Why dont you start your own thread on this so that everyone can contribute an answer for you?
To give you a quick answer: It depends, using the auto-injector, piece of cake...if you can use it. If you decide to use the syringe, its still NOT hard- but it takes some getting used to. Because you need both hands to do it, thats where I have some issues, I only have use of one hand MOST of the time.
You can do it. I know you can!
Nikki
Nikki,
Thanks. I was just curious. Why does it take both hands? I will post it elsewhere for more answers.
CJ
I think this is in the wrong place. No one is going to read this but me here... Why dont you start your own thread on this so that everyone can contribute an answer for you?
To give you a quick answer: It depends, using the auto-injector, piece of cake...if you can use it. If you decide to use the syringe, its still NOT hard- but it takes some getting used to. Because you need both hands to do it, thats where I have some issues, I only have use of one hand MOST of the time.
You can do it. I know you can!
Nikki
Nikki,
Thanks. I was just curious. Why does it take both hands? I will post it elsewhere for more answers.
CJ
jprinz99
07-18-2007, 11:31 PM
Nikki-
I somehow missed your post the other night but am trying to get caught up. I am glad things are a little less stressful now and also that you were able to finally give yourself the shot.
As for the fight and overall crappy day that started all this mess... perhaps it was meant to be. And by this I mean that everyonce in a while an explosion is bound to happen. The "greater the interna/external stressors, the larger the debris cloud" as we say in teh disaster world (I am a disaster specialist, so pardon the analogy). Another way of saying this is sort of like "without the bad, we wouldn't value the good".
You and your husband have a lot going on in your life (notice I did not say liveS). It is hard on anybody to deal with this crap we call life; the added dimensions of health expenses and insurance hoops, the blended family thing, jobs etc, etc. Now top it all off with MS and a hot, booze laded environment and I think you have an idea why you ended up in a doozie. You got thru it, bruised but not bloodied. Now your hubby is doing his best to make it all better and let you know that he knows he was an as*hole. You told him he hurt you and put him on notice it is not going to be tolerated. Now move on.
By "move on" I mean for you two to try and ease back into life, hopefully avoiding this in the future (or at least for a long time). You will have other fights - you just both need to agree to fight fair. Granted, a much harder thing to do than to say. He sucker punched you while you were down which IS NOT fair. Lesson learned on his part (and being a man, he will eventually forget at some point in the future:( ). Lesson learned on your part, now you know to expect the worst when he is being a twit (forewarned is forearmed, eh)
Marriage takes two, plus a referee on occassion. Now do not think for a minute that I am taking his side. I am most clearly not on his side as he was sooo over the line. You got a lot of good advice from others. Now take it and know we care. {and take anything I said with a grain of salt as we still fight now and again}
hugs and more hugs-
jane
I somehow missed your post the other night but am trying to get caught up. I am glad things are a little less stressful now and also that you were able to finally give yourself the shot.
As for the fight and overall crappy day that started all this mess... perhaps it was meant to be. And by this I mean that everyonce in a while an explosion is bound to happen. The "greater the interna/external stressors, the larger the debris cloud" as we say in teh disaster world (I am a disaster specialist, so pardon the analogy). Another way of saying this is sort of like "without the bad, we wouldn't value the good".
You and your husband have a lot going on in your life (notice I did not say liveS). It is hard on anybody to deal with this crap we call life; the added dimensions of health expenses and insurance hoops, the blended family thing, jobs etc, etc. Now top it all off with MS and a hot, booze laded environment and I think you have an idea why you ended up in a doozie. You got thru it, bruised but not bloodied. Now your hubby is doing his best to make it all better and let you know that he knows he was an as*hole. You told him he hurt you and put him on notice it is not going to be tolerated. Now move on.
By "move on" I mean for you two to try and ease back into life, hopefully avoiding this in the future (or at least for a long time). You will have other fights - you just both need to agree to fight fair. Granted, a much harder thing to do than to say. He sucker punched you while you were down which IS NOT fair. Lesson learned on his part (and being a man, he will eventually forget at some point in the future:( ). Lesson learned on your part, now you know to expect the worst when he is being a twit (forewarned is forearmed, eh)
Marriage takes two, plus a referee on occassion. Now do not think for a minute that I am taking his side. I am most clearly not on his side as he was sooo over the line. You got a lot of good advice from others. Now take it and know we care. {and take anything I said with a grain of salt as we still fight now and again}
hugs and more hugs-
jane
moore170
07-20-2007, 04:49 PM
I know you are way past this incident but since I am new here I wasn't available to respond. I will disclose right up front that my daughter is going through a domestic issue so I am not very tolerant of bad behavior right now.
I have been married for almost 29 years (Sept). I first started self injecting in 1988 (ACTH Taper). My husband offered to do these shots for me but jokingly I told him no because I didn't want him to ever be able to use that against me. My husband and I have never really had a fight - when we get angry with each other we both become silent. We always end up laughing because we usually couldn't even remember what wer were angry about. I know this is not usual.
I have chosen to keep my MS treatments out of my family life. This was my choice not anyone else.
I am so glad you did your shot yourself. You do not need a man to do this or from the sound of it anything else for you.
What is needed from a marriage partner is love. If this is an isolated incident let it go. Forgive but don't forget. If it is not an isolated incident or it happens again you need to go your separate way. You sound like you are a good strong person and you do not need someone bringing you down.
What is said when drunk has usually been floating around the brain all along just not verbalized. That is my two cents worth but remember I am somewhat jaded right now.
Candy
I have been married for almost 29 years (Sept). I first started self injecting in 1988 (ACTH Taper). My husband offered to do these shots for me but jokingly I told him no because I didn't want him to ever be able to use that against me. My husband and I have never really had a fight - when we get angry with each other we both become silent. We always end up laughing because we usually couldn't even remember what wer were angry about. I know this is not usual.
I have chosen to keep my MS treatments out of my family life. This was my choice not anyone else.
I am so glad you did your shot yourself. You do not need a man to do this or from the sound of it anything else for you.
What is needed from a marriage partner is love. If this is an isolated incident let it go. Forgive but don't forget. If it is not an isolated incident or it happens again you need to go your separate way. You sound like you are a good strong person and you do not need someone bringing you down.
What is said when drunk has usually been floating around the brain all along just not verbalized. That is my two cents worth but remember I am somewhat jaded right now.
Candy
Lisa_P
07-21-2007, 08:02 AM
That's what happens to women with PMS-- all that unresolved junk comes to a head when that time of the month comes around.
Sorry -- WAY off topic! :D
Sorry -- WAY off topic! :D
Natatude
07-21-2007, 09:43 AM
Nikki! I am so sorry u had to deal with that! I just now had a few minutes to log on here, and have not had a chance to read everything, But I will and then I will reply, there has got to be something deeper and u guys need to talk,, I am so glad my husband and I have each other, He is soooooooooooooo good to me and even better to me since the MS and I never thought better would be possible because we love each other thru thick and thin, and I thought it was the best it could be, before the MS diagnoses. Last week my husband was diagnosed with Silicosis, so we are dealing with that now too. We have days when something is said or done that pisses one or the other off, and we can cuss scream and get out our point the take 20 minutes to cool off and we talk about it. I think that's what has made us as strong as we are today and I pray that u and ur husband talked about this! Like I said tho when I have more time, I will read everything everyone said here and will probably have another reply! LOL I just wanted to let u know I would be back and don't think I am ignoring u with no reply. Have a great weekend!
Bye 4 now
Nat
Bye 4 now
Nat