I don't know what is going to come out

I was sitting at my computer desk when I felt someone was behind me, I looked and of course no one was there, resumed whatever I was doing and out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw a shadow move across the room so again I looked and nothing was there. I tried to go back to what I was doing but every thirty seconds or so I needed to turn around and check because I was sure someone was behind me blowing on my neck. After looking around the room and finding nothing I sat back down and tried to concentrate on the webpage. This was impossible because I knew someone else was in the room but I knew that was not possible as I live alone and all the doors were locked. I tried a bunch of different things to make my mind go somewhere else but that did not worked and I was starting to breath faster and the feelings of being watched were getting more intense. So I went to the one tool in my toolbox that never seems to fail. I grabbed a razor blade and proceeded to make six inch cuts across my stomach for the next ten minutes waiting for the pain, the rush to kick in and clear my mind. Depends on how you look at it good or bad the razor blade worked and my brain is pretty clear. My doctor told me everyone sees things and its normal. I hid under blankets in my bedroom for over an hour one day because I thought someone was after me but apparently thats normal. I get paranoid at the drop of the hat and I am definately the wrong person to sneek up on for I will attack. I am suppose to be concentrating on learning positive feelings, positive emotions and proper coping skills but I am being distracted because my mind is trying to kill me

take care
trg247

I get paranoid too but it's towards neighbors and my landlords, I feel like I'm being watched, who would want to tune into my boring life is besides the point, the feeling is so intense my chest gets really heavy. I haven't gouged my legs in a while but I can relate to needing that release that comes from pain. I think it's great that you share this, other than that I don't know what else to say......

Hi T, I'm sorry. I've read quite a few of your posts lately re: your cutting. I'm sorry, T. I worry about you...I worry about how much you've been cutting lately. Hang in there, T!
Amber

Hi

It amazes me how well cutting actually works for me. It is a couple of hours later and I feel pretty good. Now I don't suggest others to try it as it becomes a nasty habit very quickly. Over the twenty years I have been cutting off and on it has always helped, the problem is you need to increase the damage to reach that feeling you are looking for. I usually stop when I reach a level where I scare myself. The last time I stopped I was contemplating punching a metal door until something broke. I stop for a while sometimes years then something brings me back to it. This time there was just too much going on and I didn't know how to handle it until I started cutting again. My body has hundreds of scars from cutting, layer upon layer in some areas. Them there is the chance of cutting too deep and the possibility of infection. There is a million reasons not too but unfortunately the one reason to cut over rides all of the negative. One of these I will learn a healthy way to heal and cope then maybe the razor will be put away for good

take care
trg247

Hi T, I understand the feeling...I do. I understand how as wierd as it seems to most, I understand that It's a way of making things feel better. And it's a damn shame. It's a damn shame, T, that there isn't anything else out there to help those feelings than to mutilate our bodies. I've been there. Your post last night, T, the one on the SI board, I was really worried for you. I wish there were something we could do, to replace that need for a release, I wish there were something we could do to help make you feel better, so you wouldn't feel the need to cut. I know there's nothing we can do from this standpoint...so please, T, just be careful, okay??
Amber

Hi trg247,

I absolutely understand the whole cutting thing. I've never done it, but I use to imagine myself doing it and that seemed to do the trick. I would be afraid of going too deep. I got a set of knives for Christmas and I took the biggest and scariest looking ones out of the set and duct taped the box closed and hid it in the storage room so it wouldn't be easy to get at because I was afraid I would hurt myself.

I also understand the fear thing. 2 months ago when things were really bad and I was put off work I was watching a lot of crime shows and I became so paranoid that I moved my microwave stand in front of my apartment door (I also live alone) and arranged some dishes on top so that there would be no way someone could break in without me knowing. I also kept an empty wine bottle by my bed (because I'm too scared of knives). I know this sounds paranoid, but I've always worried about something violent happening to me or someone I know.

Anyway, I'm sorry for talking about myself so much, but I just wanted to let you know that I think I understand, at least in part. I think you have an addiction and you need to work on your addiction just like anyone else, the only difference is that your addiction seems scarier to other people then say being a drug addict or an alcoholic. This seems to make it that much harder for you to deal with, but not impossible. I really hope you can work through this.

Hi:

Is self injury an addiction? It can be very easily. At first you just use it to help with the major problems but pretty soon you are using it for all of your problems and then you have days where you just do it to do it. Right now my goal is to keep the damage to a mininum and figure out new ways to handle my problems, needless to say I did not do a good job this weekend but that happens. The hardesst thing for me right now to quit is that SI works, it has worked better then any other coping skill I have. Right now SI is bringing balance to my difficulties, it solves almost all of my problems, it takes care of my emotional needs and it is always there. The downside is the scars, possible infection and cutting too deep which leads you to doctors who seem to think that cutting is the same as trying to kill yourself. Am I addicted to Self Injury more then likely, will I stop? When I am ready and have the skills to cope in a healthy manner. Right now the goal is to keep the damage down.

take care
trg247

I just had a thought. I hope you don't tke it the wrong way. But if you wer getting your emotionl needs met, i don't think you would self injure. isn't your self injury about not getting emotional needs met?:confused:

There are many reasons why people Self Injure and they tend to differ from person to person.

My Reasons
1. It calms me down. My head could be going a hundred miles per hour and I can barely think, SI will calm everything down and put things back under control.
2. With the meds I take and disorders I may have there are days where I do not feel anything almost like a robot status. The pain reminds me I am still human and capable of feeling something.
3. Control. I control everything about SI. I choose when to do it, how long the cut will be, how deep the cut will be, how long I will let it bleed for and how many cuts I make.
4. Punishment. I need to pay for the sins I have done. This category does not happen very often. The SI sessions are brutal and take a long time to heal.

There are other reasons I have but these are the major ones. I mean I have had days where I just cut just to cut. I have very few emotions. I know what love feels like and I know what hate feels like but there is very little in between. I started cutting at thirteen and it was a failed suicide attempt. It has been twenty years of cutting since then off and on. I have quit for years at a time but when things get out of control and in order to save myself I need to hurt myself. I will never say that SI is healthy because its far from it. I had therapists refuse to continue to see me because of SI. For whatever the reason it works for now and I will quit again, hopefully for good

take care
trg247

Do you know why they stopped seeing you or refused to see you due to your self injury? What would your SI have to do with them. Their job is to help no matter what the person's predicament might be.