Hello, My Cyber mom (Sannah) and dear friend Carsam:). I am sorry I did not tell you that I have been in the hospital, again for about a month. I am on all new medications but it on helps half the time. The doctors are talking about putting me in a long term hospital but thank GOD I can talk to you and everyone else here for help. All the long term hospital would do is take what little mental health away from me. Well I will talk to you all in the morning:D ! Good Night!!!:D

Your cyber son (Kiba) and friend
Kiba:angel:

((((((((((((((((hugs KIBA)))))))))))))))) Welcome back my friend!!!!!! :)
It has brought a smile to my face this morning seeing your post!!!!! You have been missed Kiba!!! I have thought about you and hoped and prayed you were all right. Sannah will be so happy to see you as well as Dakota!!!!! I'm so sorry you've been in hospital this long....please tell us what's been happening if you feel like sharing.....we are here for you!!!

Again, welcome back dear KIBA!!!!!!!

Love, Carsam:angel: :angel:

Hello Darling CyberSon Kiba. You did tell us that you were going to be hospitalized and we have been waiting for you to come back. So did you learn anything about yourself while you were hospitalized? How did you do in there? What are you going to do now (do you still have your lawn service)?

CyberMum

Thank You for the welcome back everyone. Sannah my Cybermom, I guess I did tell you that I was going to the hospital again (now I don't feel so bad). I learned alot every day. Like that even though I keeped telling myself I was happy I was not really happy. I also am still keeping my feeling bottled inside but I am working on it. I am still having problems with my past but I will live. It was a new experience being in the adult unit but I meet some nice people in there. As for the lawn care service, I still have it.

As for my dear friend Carsam, Thanks for the hugs and prayers. The only reason the keeped me for so long is the medication was not working. well I will talk more latter.

Your Friend And Cyberson
Kiba:angel:

Darling Kiba, I am so glad that you learned a lot from your hospitalization! And you will continue to keep learning about yourself too!

CyberMum

Hello dear friend Kiba....:)

I remember also you said you may be going into hospital....I'm sorry you had to be there for so long but it sounds like some very positive things came from your time there. You are a fighter Kiba!!!! We are so proud of you hon!!!!

Love, Carsam xo

Hello, My Dearest Friend Carsam and my Cybermom (Sannah):wave:,

So far the doctors have said nothing to me, so I am Praying no news is good news. As for my time in the hospital, other than learning the dark secret that I had been lieing to my self all along. I am trying really hard to stay out of trouble and I have been using my support groups or in this cause friends and family and you all when I need help. In a nut shell I will tell you all what happend, First that morning I made a promise I would do something before graduation was over and I told the school. The school told mom and mom called the doctor who I talked to and got me mad so I did a nono involving pills and then I went to the graduation ceremony half way threw after my name was called I walked out and 3 of my dearest teachers followed me till I passed out. They called my mom and took me to the emergancy room were I told the doctor what I did. At the time I had a migraine so they gave me a shot and sent me to the adult unit were I stayed for many weeks. As for today I am feeling a little down but I will live. Good Night Everyone

Your Friend anf Cyberson
Kiba:angel:

Hello KIBA!!!
I was just about to sign off for the night when I saw your post.
Kiba, I'm so sorry you must have been feeling so badly that day......but I am so glad you are getting some help now. I know you were struggling before that...and we all know you were trying so hard. I'm sure it's been a long road for you being in that hospital...but I'm glad you have been looked after. I'm happy that your teachers were there for you that night....how are things now Kiba? How about your friend you were spending time with? Are you still able to see her hon?
Good to see you tonight....I know you're having a hard time, but god bless you, you're still fighting....you're tougher than you think Kiba, I'm very proud of you!!!

Love you,
Your friend, Carsam xo

Dearest Kiba, I knew it had something to do with graduation. Change is scary for almost anyone. Good job using your support system, Kiba! Will wait for your next post.

CyberMum

Hello, My Dearest Friend Carsam and my Cybermom (Sannah):wave:,

Well the saying goes that no news is good news but for the last 3 days I have not been doing very good. Everything has been feeling weird to me like I know nothing. I am having worse memory problems, I am wanting to hurt, I am having bad dreams, and my mood has been down. I am going to call the depression hotline tonight but if I get admitted one more time I end up in a long term hospital. What should I do:confused: ???

Your Friend and Cyber Son
Kiba:angel:

Dearest Kiba...
I'm sorry to hear you are so down at the moment. Listen sweetie, can you talk to your parents? Before this happened, your relationship with them seemed to be getting better? You were able to talk to them? Kiba...I'm not sure if you feel comfortable to do so, but if you can....sit them down and tell them what you just wrote.....they are your parents and they love you. They cant make your feelings go away, but they can be there to hold your hand, and let you know they are there, especially today when you're feeling like this. You know Kiba....I support my mom through her depression and if she just sat and told me she needed me to "listen" to her...and wanted to pour her heart out, I would pull up a chair in a second and listen to every word. Your parents love you, they just dont know how to help you.....give them an idea of how to do that, what you need from them.....and I'm hoping they will come through for you. I am a mom too Kiba and I know if my son came to me and told me what "you" are feeling, I would sit with him the whole time...and be there for him...let him know I love him...and will give him whatever I can to help him. Call the hotline as well.....and the hospital if you need to....
If you feel like talking about how you're feeling, I will be here to listen Kiba. I'll watch for your posts hon. Cybermom Sannah is on vacation right now...so you may not hear from her till she gets back....but I'll do my best to fill in for her okay?
(((((((((((((hugs to you sweetie)))))))))))))))))))))
Carsam xo

Hello, My Dearest Friend Carsam,

So my Cybermom Sannah is on vacation. Well atleast you are here to talk too. I talked to my adult neighbor friend and the suicide hotline and I would like to ask you a question I asked them. I am still depressed and sometimes I have bad thoughts and bad dreams. I am not wanting to talk to the doctors and my parents because I am scared of going back to the hospital . The doctors put me on a list to put me in a long term hospital if I go back to the hospital one more time. I am not suicidal but I am severally depressed. If I go to the doctors and my parents my life is over, end off story. So what do you think I should do?

Your Friend and Cyberson
Kiba

PS. MANY HUGS

My dear friend Kiba...
You ask me a tough question sweetheart, since I dont suffer from depression myself as you know, my mom does. I only know Kiba that sometimes she can explain it to me, why she feels depressed, maybe because of certain things in her life that are bothering her. And other times its just a feeling that comes over her, that she cant pinpoint what it is. Is that what it feels like to you? I know depression can be caused by triggers...and I know a little about your childhood, mind you, just a little....so I'm aware you have been through alot in your life, enough to make you feel like this.
Kiba....I understand now why maybe right now you dont feel like you can talk to your parents, thanks for explaining it to me. Sometimes things arent always black and white are they? You know you have me to talk to here, and Sannah....but do you have someone there you can speak with other than your parents? How about your friend you were telling us about? Is she still there for you to talk to? Or the teacher you got along so well with? Sometimes it helps to have a real life person right there in the moment with you. I'm sorry hon, I'm not sure what I can say...because I can tell you all the things I "think" I should say, like "hang in there"..."you'll get through this"....but I say those to my mom too, and this depression just doesnt go away from her. So I know it would be the same for you. I guess what I'm trying to say though is dont let it beat you sweetheart, I know its so very hard....its a struggle every day.....some days even harder than the one before.....but you are young...and I hope for you Kiba one day you'll be able to discover why you feel this way...or a way to manage it so that you can enjoy a wonderful life that you so richly deserve. For now, just keep talking it out...at some point....something will hopefully click in....whether its a realization of what you're feeling...or a way to cope that maybe you've not thought of before....something....because the alternative is too harsh Kiba. You are such a sweet young man, you deserve to be free of this.....and so for now just keep trying to find inside yourself what you are so desperately in need of to get through this. No matter what Kiba....sometimes in our darkest frame of mind...we have to lift ourselves out by looking at our blessings.. it's certainly not hard to recognize what our struggles are. But sometimes we cant see our blessings because the hardships and depression overshadow them. But they are there....you are loved Kiba....and you know that, you are loved by your family...and you know we here care about you and love you as well. Not everyone in life can say they have someone that loves them......so for that, you have blessings that some other people dont. Hold on to them as you're feeling so low...they are important....you will get through this sweetie. I dont know if that helps hon...I hope so, I hate to see you feeling so low!!!
I will keep looking for your posts....if you can explain what you're feeling, or if there is something you want to talk about, anything..to get through this...I will listen Kiba....
Love, your friend,
Carsam xo

My Dearest Friend Carsam...
Well, I did the hardest thing I am going to in my life, I called the doctors and the doctors are going to call me in the morning but I am doing it without my parents help or them knowing about it. I figured my mom is having a hard enough time without my problems waying her down and my dad is so hard that the only way I get to see him is if I stay up late. I love them both so much but it would be great if I could get help without bothing them. As for being in a long term hospital, I put my foot down on that unless I do something really life threating but I will not do that I promise. I am not upset that my parent are never home because we hang out on the weekends as a family. I still have my friends from school and my teacher friends too. I am staying very active and that is keeping my pretty happy when I work. I guess it is a mix of thing like for one I am not ever really happy I just get a high when I am working that is like a fake happy. Second I am still bottleing my feeling. Third I just feel down most of the time even if I say I am ok. Forth I am still reliving my past and fearing it. Five I am having a hard time expressing my feelings and I am starting to close up again. Well I will try to get some sleep. Talk to you tommorow. Good Night

Your Friend and Cyberson
Kiba

Dearest Kiba...
How did things go this morning with the doctors? I am so proud of you Kiba that you found the strength to call them for help, even though I know you were scared to do just that. Kiba, why do you feel bad letting your parents help? God bless you for not wanting to worry them...you are such a good and kind soul. But Kiba sweetie, let me tell you....when we become parents...we take on the role of always being concerned for the well being of our children. (I know thats not true for all parents, but good ones do!) So Kiba, dont feel like you are burdening them. Showing strength to reach out for help is something that wont upset your mom...she'll be proud of you...and glad to see you doing that.
I know you are trying so hard despite these awful feelings in your life, to go on with school, with work, with friends...I know its very difficult when you have this dark cloud hanging over you......I'm sure alot of it is to do with your past. I cant remember if you are in therapy or not Kiba. I know it is helpful for some people and not for others, probably depends alot on the therapist and the relationship you form with them. Try not to bottle up your feelings, because Kiba they will always find a way out hon...and not usually in a good way.
Please let me know how your appointment went Kiba....I hope it went well. I'm not sure if I'm helping....not to worry, your Cybermom will be home soon as well to help you......
Love,
Your friend Carsam xo

My Dearest Friend Carsam...
Well I talked to the doctor today and I confronted him about my treatment. I told him up front that I don't belong in a long term hospital, that I must be free and be a social person. I did tell him that I am depressed and that I am not feeling good but I think I can make it without a hospital stay this time. I did not tell him that I was having dreams and some thoughts of bad things but he told me if that happends again I will be forced into a long term hospital so I will bend the truth for now. I promised you and everyone that I would not do anything stupid!!! I still have not told my parents because I do not want to hurt them. I do see a therapist and he is very nice and understanding.My Dearest Friend Carsam you always help just by writing to you and you writing back. Well I am going to try to get so sleep. Many hugs!!!
LOVE
Your Friend Kiba

My dear friend Kiba....
I am so very proud of you hon...you are taking control of your life Kiba. It may not seem like it, but you are!!! I believe you know what you need right now...and I believe that if you knew you were at risk, that you wouldnt keep any information from the doctor. Its great you are being upfront with your doctor...when you're ready, you'll talk about the dreams, etc. I know that you may not be able to talk to your parents right now...so until then, you can talk to us here hon!!! I'm so happy to see also that you are getting out and being with people...I'm sure that's helping you make it through this. And also good to see you have a good relationship with your therapist. You are a remarkable young man Kiba...I really admire you.
God bless hon, and I wish you "sweet dreams" tonight!!!
Your friend,
Carsam

I am staying very active and that is keeping my pretty happy when I work.

I am not ever really happy I just get a high when I am working that is like a fake happy.

Second I am still bottleing my feeling.

Third I just feel down most of the time even if I say I am ok.

Forth I am still reliving my past and fearing it.

Five I am having a hard time expressing my feelings and I am starting to close up again.


My dearest, darling Kiba, I am so sorry that you are still having a rough time. I am also glad that you called your docs. I am not so sure why you aren't telling your parents. This has always helped you so much in the past.

You saY that you are reliving your past and fearing it. I really don't have any experience with this. Do you want to go into more detail about this? If you are fearing a lot and then not expressing this, I could see how this is causing you to feel more depressed. Maybe this is the cause of your problems right now? Can you talk with your therapist about these fears, your mom or us? I like how you outlined everything that is bothering you now! Knowing what is going on with yourself is the first step before dealing with it. I would take that "fake happy" while you are working! I don't think that there is anything wrong with that but I also feel if you talk about these "past fears" that it will help relieve you a bit.

Yes, I am in Michigan right now so I cannot get to the computer very often but I will try to check in as often as I can.

Love you Kiba!
Your CyberMom

Welcome back, Kiba!!!!

Yes, what do you mean by fearing the past? Fearing that things that happened in the past will happen again? Staying in the present as much as possible has always helped me. It's not easy to do... But it helps to think of it that way.

(((((hugs)))))

My Dearest Friend Carsam, Even_sly, and CyberMom (Sannah)...
You all tell the truth that I need help and to tell my parents and tell the doctor the truth. The problem is that if I tell them I will be put in a long term hospital and that was a promise from the insurance company to me and the doctors and that is why they told me. I am so freaked out about it that I am not sleeping again and eating little again. I have told my next door friend and she says that if I don't tell my mom she will. It is really a fear of the past and that I am learning more about my past and its dark secrets because all it is doing is getting me down plus I still have not let the past rest in its grave yet. I am still not expressing my feeling but I still do not know how. Well I will talk to you latter.

you Friend and CyberSon
Kiba

((MANY HUGS))

Dearest Kiba,
Do you want to talk about your past hon? It might help a little to write about it...and talk it out. It wont change it, but it might let a little bit of that pent up pain that you have inside. It may be hard to talk about, but it may feel good to let some of it out.
I'm here to listen if you would like to talk about it. Hang in there sweetie!!!
Your friend,
Carsam xo

My Dearest Friend Carsam and CyberMom (Sannah)...
Well, I made it threw another day!!! I am running on very little sleep so please do not count my spelling errors. But before I get to started I have to quotes to write down...
1)When you thought you were complete
You opened up your eyes
When you thought you had it all that's when you lost it
If you want to hold onto everything you will fall
....
2)Sometimes solutions aren't so simple
Sometimes good bye's the only away
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you

I still have not talked to my parents about my problems yet and the load is getting harder to bear. I am still getting worse and I learned today that my next door friend is dieing. I wolrd is takeing hit after hit of bad stuff, why me? I have been abused by my brother for so many years mental and physicaly and I am still learning more on top of the fact he hates me because I am a boy and he wanted a sister. I just said hello to him the other day over the phone and he thought he had the wrong number so when he asked who it was I said your brother and he said what brother, I have no brother. At 8 he tryed to kill me by drownding me in a public pool at night. I could go on for hours but this is enough tonight. I feel a hurt deep within me like hoh before. Good Night

You Friend and CyberSon
Kiba

Dearest Kiba, what your brother did to you was because of his own problems. It was not a statement about your value. People who abuse others have their own issues and they will abuse whoever is available. Please go to your parents about this. When is your next therapy appt? It is okay to still have to travel the path to wellness. It is not a short journey and it is okay to still have work to do. I still have work to do. I am sorry about your friend. Keep posting...

Dearest Kiba,
I'm so sorry to hear this, I did not know you had a brother, much less that he caused you pain. I'm sorry. It is painful when people who are supposed to love us cause us pain. He does sound abusive as Sannah says, but that does not take away what years of this treatment has done to you. My mom was very cold to me sometimes through my growing up, still is. Even though I know she loves me, and even though I know its her issues that make her way, doesnt make it hurt any less. And also gives me all kinds of self esteem and confidence issues. I guess Kiba, we have to try to grow now...and not be those children anymore. That public pool was a long time ago, he can not do that to you any longer hon. I know its very hard, I am still learning this myself...but we have to separate ourselves from the idea that just because someone is blood related to us, means they wont hurt us. I've learned so much of this in the past few years. And therefore, we have to understand that we need to give them the same respect that they give to us. And the same amount of importance. Keep on opening up Kiba, it's good to get this all out...and eventually you'll hopefully put it in a place where it doesnt cause you so much pain, where he can no longer hurt you.
Thank you for sharing some of your story with us hon.....anything else you want to talk about, including your brother, you know where to find us.

Love, Carsam xo

My Dearest Friend Carsam and CyberMom (Sannah)...
I guess to start of with is that he is not really my brother but a half-brother, but it is just easyer to say brother and I love and pray for him like I would for a brother. I have known all my life that people could hurt me but I just never thought and would except that that a friend or a family member would be the one to do this to me. If you don't know after I was first born I was abused by him mentally and physically untill I was in my middle teens and to this day he still calls me names and stuff that is mentally degrading. As a baby I was thrown and dropped causing brain damage on top of what I was born with. I already told you he tryed to kill me twice or more from what I can remember. I have leg and back problems do to him sitting on he for a 1 or more hours straight on may days until he moved out. He did alot of bad things to me and the list still goes on but the on thing I miss the most is the happyness of my childhood. I locked all this up and never told any one when I was young and I am paying the price now. Why Me:confused: ??? All I can say is I am paying for his mistakes:mad: !!! I wish it would all go away:( !!! And now my next door friend is dieing:( !!!! Whats next:confused: ???? GOD WHY ME!!!!!! I wish I was never born all life has been is a pain pain pain pain.


You Friend and CyberSon
Kiba

Double posted.......

Hi Kiba hon,
Let me tell you firstly how proud I am of you!!! This is the most I think you have opened up on here.....at least as long as I've been posting to you. You need to get this out sweetheart, and you are doing it!! I'm sure it's very painful for you to relive these memories....but it's necessary to get them out of your head and your heart. Kiba, from the time I've known you, I can tell you are a good young man...you have so much heart....and you should have a life filled with blessings, because you deserve that. You care about your family...and you put their happiness before your own. Right now Kiba though, you need to keep going with this...and put yourself first. I dont know your situation 100% Kiba...but I can tell you this for a fact....the best thing you could do for your parents is to keep going on this journey, and finding out all these things that make you so unhappy. Once they are no longer buried, you can get help with them, and learn that sweetie, they were not your fault. Listen, you are a good person, so you know now Kiba, that what your brother did was wrong, dont you? You know this. And if this happened to someone else, then you would advise them the same as I am advising you......your brother did take his issues out on you when you were a child...so Kiba...dont let him take give you any more pain. You had no choice then, but you do now. Can I ask you - did your parents know how much trouble your brother was causing you? If they did, maybe you are angry at them for that? Or if they didnt, maybe also you could be upset that they didnt notice? I'm not sure. What your brother did was horrible Kiba....and you are right, he did trash your childhood, a time when you were supposed to be protected and loved. I'm so sorry about that. Can I ask what do you mean "what you were born with" - do you mean depression? If you dont want to answer, that I understand. You said you were "thrown as a baby".....are you just remembering these things now Kiba? This is a lot to learn hon......you are uncovering some very painful things Kiba.....but as painful as they are to come out, they're even worse being buried inside. No wonder you have been suffering so much.
You know Kiba, there's so much horror that goes on in this life. I've listened to my mom when she went through "cancer", I've listened to her ask "why me"? I've listened to my grandmother who attended her sons funeral..and she said "why me"? So many people around in just "my" life alone. So many unspeakable things happen on a daily basis in this life Kiba that it's almost now a matter of "why not me?" This is so sad, but it is true. We are all potentially "victims" of some form of hurt Kiba....some of us get it alot worse than others, this is true....but sadly everyone has their crosses to bear....and we just have to try and manage things and learn to not let them destroy the good things that life still can offer. Does that make sense?
Right now, you are doing the best thing possible for yourself, you are talking, you are making decisions for yourself. And you are so aware Kiba of your feelings, not everyone can say that. Like I said, I am very proud of you....and I hope you'll keep going forward on this journey...and find that place to settle where you brother will no longer be able to hurt you.

Hope you're feeling okay today sweetie!!
Love, your friend, Carsam xo

My Dearest Friend Carsam and CyberMom (Sannah)...
Well, It's another night and all I feel is pain so I must be alive. I sat down and told my parents about what I could remember about my past and lets just say my parents are shocked. At first I thought they were shocked about what all my half-brother has done to me but no, they were shocked with the fact I knew about my childhood. When I asked if they knew my half-brother did all this they said in a sad voice yes. I felt, god all I feel is a pain all over and deep in my heart. I really don't know what that feeling or emotion is:confused:. All I know is I am severly depressed right now and am thinking bad thoughts. I wish I could go back to the hospital but I do not want to be put in a long term hospital. Yes I know what my half-brother did to me was bad. I was born with some brain damage but the doctors do not know if some of the brain damage was caused by him. I am special needs. Well I will talk to you all latter!!!
Good Night!!!

You Friend and CyberSon
Kiba

Dearest, darling Kiba, I hear your pain also. You ask "why me". I know, it doesn't sound fair why we were chosen but you know a lot of people have been chosen to suffer. I hope that I am not coming across as cruel. I am sorry if I am. You have probably heard this many times but surviving tough stuff builds incredible character and depth to our personalities. I know you are probably saying you would have rather chosen the shallow personality over this. I don't blame you. I am sorry that you have had to suffer this. I'll bet it made you feel like you weren't loved and that you were a useless piece of whatever. Kiba most violence in this country is from people that you know, people who are supposed to love you. I don't understand it either, how people can be so cruel to others. I think that it has something to do with anger and an extreme lack of empathy for others. Anyway, it is all in your past now. Thank God you are safe today. What your brother did to you has nothing to do with your value as a person. You are a very valuable person Kiba. You are so sweet and sensitive. I am sure that it felt like a big thump in the chest when you heard that your parents were aware of the abuse. Kiba, I know that your parents love you. I am so glad that you finally opened up to them! Didn't your parents finally protect you and sent your brother away?

Can you tell your doc that his decision to long-term hospitalize you has backed you into a corner of not wanting to get help at all from the hospital?

My Dearest Friend Carsam and CyberMom (Sannah)...
I guess it is true that alot of people out there have been chosen to suffer and I am just another on added to the ever growing number. Yes, I wish I could have had a simple and shallow personality/life over this but I know one day when I look back at my life I hope I can help someone with my problems like you are helping me. Don't worry you did not come across cruel to me. I got a message from the doctor rescheduling my next apointment so I do not get to see him for a month now. I don't know what to do now. If I go in to the hospital I go to a long term hospital and If I stay out I am just going to lose it all!!! I will try to talk to the doctor about getting me off the long term hospital list but it is a long shot. Talk to you all latter!!!

You Friend and CyberSon
Kiba

Can you tell your doc that his decision to long-term hospitalize you has backed you into a corner of not wanting to get help at all from the hospital?

Dearest Kiba,
Sannah brings up a really good point here. Can you speak to the receptionist and ask to have your appointment moved up? Maybe they can put you on a "cancellation" list. They need to know how much pressure it is putting on you being on that list.
I'm sorry Kiba, that you found out your parents were aware of the way your brother was. There is no excuse for that Kiba....they should have protected you, even if it was from your own brother. I hope that they will make up for it now, or try to.
You are doing so well Kiba, although it doesnt feel like it, but you are learning about yourself, and why you feel the way you do. This is good...it is a long journey...but the only way you can go is forward, right? You wont go back, you dont ever have to allow your brother to hurt you again...you are in control of that now hon. You can make it through this, I know you can. Just keep reaching out to those around you, and us here for support.

Hugs to you Kiba....

Carsam xo