So, I've kind of been hanging low these last few days. It's been a really hard couple of days, and I've really just had to pull in for a bit. Flashbacks have been ruling my mind, and have drug me deeper into this pit that seems never ending. I've struggled with the visions of everything that's happened this past month, and it's seriously enough to drive a person mad. It's like a movie playing in my mind...a movie that can't be shut off. It's continously going...even during those few moments that I actually get to sleep. It's been hard, and depressing, and scary, and irritating as hell, all at the same time. I feel like I've finally just caved in. I asked for advice on the PTSD board, but couldn't accept the advice that I got, just simply because it wasn't working, so I got angry, and got an attitude with the people offering support. How wrong is that??!! So, I've pulled in. Not a good thing. And all this started, just from seeing the gun on a hospital security guard. Thats it. That's all it took, was one glance at the gun, for my mind to take charge and run rampant.
So, today, I had my daily therapy appointment. My therapist said that she thinks she's going to release me, possibly as early as tomorrow. That she doesn't feel that there is anything more that she can do for me at this point. So, what does that mean???? Am I just this lost cause, that has no chance of beating this??? Am I not doing good enough? Is she really just giving up on me???? I've tried, I really have tried. I've tried my damndest to beat this, or at least get even with it. I've been here for a damn month...and have had nothing but major life events that have caused some setbacks...setbacks that were out of my control, dammit!! I'm scared as hell to get out of here, as I feel that I am not prepared to take back on the outside world right now. I'm scared. If all it took was to see a security guard with a gun to cause this rapid down ward spiral, what is going to happen when I walk into my house, or see my husband, or my kids?? How am I going to do this??? I'm scared, and I'm really not sure what I'm going to do.................
Amber

Amber,
I have to jump in here... First of all, you are taking on way too much guilt about how you reacted to the advice given on the PTSD board. You explained yourself. Things like that happen a fair amount over there. :) People there understand what it's like to have PTSD, depression and all of the crap that goes along with it. So, don't give yourself a hard time.

Secondly, does your doctor agree with your therapist? Did you tell your therapist all about what happened with the security guard and what it has been like for you since? In reading your post, it almost seems like you feel ashamed for this incident triggering this downward spiral. Amber, this is how PTSD works - this is the nature of the beast. You did NOTHING wrong. If I were in your shoes right now, I would be absolutely freaking out with all the flashbacks and triggers. Your husband is telling you that you need to "buck up" - a term which I absolutely hate. Does he mean "buck up so that you can come home and take care of us again" ? You are investing your energy into getting you better right now - that is vital before you can take care of anyone else.

You've been on my mind, Amber and I hope so much that you are able to stay in the hospital, if that is what you need right now.

Take care of yourself,
Beka

Amber......
Oh no...I'm sorry you must be really anxious right now, because I know you are not ready to go home. As Beka said, do they know how you reacted to seeing the gun with the Security Guard. I know you have told me you are not ready to go home....and even I feel pressure all of a sudden "for" you.
Amber...talk to them and tell them some of the thoughts you've told us here. Remind them Amber of the "triggers" you have waiting at home. I dont say that to scare you...but to let them know....that because of what happened in your home....you need to be ready to go there...and you've told us you're not Amber...does your therapist know how you feel? What did you say to her when she mentioned your release? You have been in there more than long enough that they should not just "spring" a release on you. This is not the same as someone who is in hospital having knee surgery, who's just dying to get the heck out of the hospital. They should have given you some time.....to in your mind prepare for when you will be leaving.
Have you talked to Ken today? I'm almost afraid I know his response will be that he thinks it is fine for you to come home right now......
I'm sorry Amber....listen, no matter what happens.....we will be here for you...okay? I know that doesnt change what's going to happen as far as your release goes....but no matter what, if you leave that hospital, you will not go alone, do you hear me? We will be walking out of there with you, holding your hand.....okay?
And of course you are not a lost cause.....you are an extremely worthy cause Amber...worthy of getting your life back.....worthy of support and patience. But you know Amber....I know you of all people know that bad people "dont" get what they deserve.....and good people get what they "dont" deserve...know what I mean? I know this may sound like I am clueless, but I believe Amber, if you made it through the last 4 weeks, you can make it through anything......you will make it......I know it wont be easy hon....but we will be here for you every step....
(((((((((((((((((((((hugsAmber)))))))))) )))))))))))))))
Love, Caroline xo

Amber, are you there?
I noticed you were logged on....and was hoping you were responding to my post...but I'm not sure you're there now.....
I hope you're okay..... let me know if you're still there....

Caroline xo

Hi Caroline, I'm here...on and off. I can't stay on long right now, but will be back on in about 45 minutes. If you're on, I'll try and catch you, otherwise...I'll try and catch you tomorrow.
Thanks,
Amber

Hi Beka and Caroline. Beka, I was a bit shocked to see you posting over here...but thanks for responding.

Yes, the psychiatrist knows about the reaction to the gun. We've dropped the sedated therapy sessions, to three times a week...down from five, but yesterday, she did another one, to try and help with the flashbacks. She basically said that she's "not doing anything more for me here in the hospital than I can get on an outpatient basis. The depression, and the ptsd symptoms will be there for a while, and I can't sit in the hospital waiting the entire time". I only see my regular doctor every few days, and I see the OB/Gyn once a week, until my hcg levels drop back to normal. Other than that, the psch. doc is the main one in charge. What could I say to her when she told me?? I did nothing but cry like a freakin' baby! We just got out of our session, so she knew how I was feeling, how those images are still going around and around inside my head, how upset I am still with Ken, how I'm struggling from day to day....she knows. But she's right...this is going to be a long term deal...I can't just hide from life behind these damn walls till it goes away, because I can't guarantee that it will ever go away. This one little trigger has done me over. I'm exhausted to the core; and I have no idea how to deal with this one trigger...let alone all the triggers that are going to jump in my face the minute I walk out those doors tomorrow. I did talk to Ken, and of course, he's perfectly fine with it. He doesn't have a damn clue, Caroline. He has no clue that when I get home tomorrow, that things aren't going to be like they used to be. I'm not that same person anymore...at least not right now. God, Caroline, I can't do this. I can't go back to that house. I can't. I'm not sure I'm ready to face my kids tomorrow...after being gone for so long. I'm NOT ready for this. I'M NOT READY! And i'm really freaking out about it. I should be thrilled, shouldn't I????? Shouldn't I be thrilled to be back with my kids, and out of this hospital???? What the hell am I doing? This is just like my posting yesterday. I asked for help, but couldn't take the help I got. Here, I've been talking about how tired I am of being here...yet now that I'm getting out...I'm crumbling. It can't ever be simple, can it? I can't do this. I can't.

Amber,

It is neither a lot cause and def you are not either. You can do this. I know it is hard when you can barely breathe and everything seems to be a thing for something else. I am sorry that the pdoc is not more understanding and yet I know that perhaps part of the fear is facing the world without those walls. It was for me at any rate. I wish there was more that I could do or say other then to give hugs and to be here on the board when you wish to post again. I hope with all my heart that somehow we see that we do have so much strength, and good things in us. Sometimes it is easy to forget that when the nightmares are overwhelming and even the air reminds you of things you don't want to remember.

Hugs

Deb

hi amber, caroline,

so, another chapter is ending, and a new one's about to begin.

I'm NOT ready for this. I'M NOT READY! And i'm really freaking out about it. I should be thrilled, shouldn't I????? Shouldn't I be thrilled to be back with my kids, and out of this hospital???? What the hell am I doing? This is just like my posting yesterday. I asked for help, but couldn't take the help I got. Here, I've been talking about how tired I am of being here...yet now that I'm getting out...I'm crumbling. It can't ever be simple, can it? I can't do this. I can't.

amber, you're still tired. mentally and physically tired. you've struggled with fear and with holding up yourself and your family your whole life, and only when you ended up in the hospital did you get some respite from it all. no wonder you're not ready!!!! but what does managed care "care" about that? doctors do what they're told; "we need more beds;" "we've got others waiting..."; that's why the psych couldn't see a reason for you not to be able to do this in an outpatient facility.

anyway my dear, i don't know why the hurt lasts so long, and i don't know why it takes so much time to leave, but i do know that you have a lot of life left ahead of you; a lot of goals to accomplish; many things to teach your children; many beautiful moments to look forward to (if you reallly think about it). as you know, i'm in the middle of a bad episode myself right now, but there is a flicker, however faint, of life inside both you and me (and, no, i'm not by any means comparing our plights here). we need to remember how to tap into it, and how to make it shine a little brighter. no matter the circumstances, we NEED to find a way to move on. there's strength in there, inside us, but we can't see or feel it right now. right now we think we'll never see or feel it again. but it's there! it is. my situation is different from yours, amber, but i am struggling soooo damn much just to make it through the day nowadays. and besides this heavy blackenss inside me, my headaches add to the insanity... but what the hell can i do? where can i go? i don't know anything anymore, but just to go on, as much as i can.

i know caroline meant well when she said, ....I know you of all people know that bad people "dont" get what they deserve.....and good people get what they "dont" deserve...know what I mean? , but i firmly believe that what goes around comes around. i really do!!! ....bec. i've seen it happen.
do whatever's best for you amber! and remember, you're never really alone!:angel:
d.

Amber, you are responding the way that YOU need to at the moment. There is no right or wrong response, you are just responding and there is nothing wrong with it. Accepting what you need to do at the moment (your response) and that it is okay is very liberating and takes off a burden. It sounds like you have a written script for what is correct and then you feel guilty when you cannot follow the written script. Throw that darn script away. (I'm sure that you have been "shaped" by Ken here about how you are supposed to be?)

Hi Amber....
I'm so sorry Amber..that you are forced to do this before you're ready. I know it would had to have happened at some point.....but you're so adamant right now that this is not the right time. I was worried last night...I thought maybe you were talking to Ken. I didnt realize you were actually going through the discharge process.

Amber....okay....take a deep breath this morning and think about this:
When you first came back to the Board....your first post was "What to say"?
Remember? If I had a penny for every time you said in all those posts "I cant do it".......but you no matter what, you HAVE endured Amber.....
Think back to before this happened.....lets say when you were away with Sierra.......if someone told you in the next six weeks you will go through .......and then listed everything that was going to happen to you.....what would you say? I know what you would say...you would say "I cant do it"......Well, Amber, you are still here hon.....scared to death, but still here nonetheless.....and you DID do it....you made it.......

So look at going home the say way.......no matter what you "adjusted" to the hospital...although every damn day has been so difficult....but you will adjust again. You are right, this will be a long term thing Amber........sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. And that's where you're at right now......we will be here Amber for you....okay? You are not alone!!!!!!!!

I will be thinking about you today Amber.......remember you have all of our love and prayers with you as you go through this.......

Love you lots girlfriend,

Caroline xo

Amber, you are responding the way that YOU need to at the moment. There is no right or wrong response, you are just responding and there is nothing wrong with it. Accepting what you need to do at the moment (your response) and that it is okay is very liberating and takes off a burden. It sounds like you have a written script for what is correct and then you feel guilty when you cannot follow the written script. Throw that darn script away. (I'm sure that you have been "shaped" by Ken here about how you are supposed to be?)

Sannah...there is no script! I just feel that if I go asking for help...and I get it...who the hell am I to get mad at the person because the help isn't working for me??? It's stupid Sannah. Why am I even coming to the boards, if I can't accept the support that I'm given?? Of course it's my choice to take it or leave it, or to apply it to my life, but geeze Sannah, I should just be thankful that someone out there actually gives a rats *** to support me in a situation that most would turn a blind eye to, and shut my mouth. That's how I feel about it. That's ME, and my feelings? I don't feel so much guilty about my response....I feel more like an idiot than anything. If I wasn't ready for the support, I should have just continued to keep quite like I had the days before.

as you know, i'm in the middle of a bad episode myself right now, but there is a flicker, however faint, of life inside both you and me (and, no, i'm not by any means comparing our plights here). we need to remember how to tap into it, and how to make it shine a little brighter. no matter the circumstances, we NEED to find a way to move on. there's strength in there, inside us, but we can't see or feel it right now. right now we think we'll never see or feel it again. but it's there! it is. my situation is different from yours, amber, but i am struggling soooo damn much just to make it through the day nowadays. and besides this heavy blackenss inside me, my headaches add to the insanity... but what the hell can i do? where can i go? i don't know anything anymore, but just to go on, as much as i can.

Dakota, I'm so sorry that you are still hurting so badly, and still haven't found any relief, for the depression or the migraines. Sigh. This is surviving...but is this really what "living" is supposed to be like? Is living really supposed to be filled with so much pain? We're really not supposed to feel this way, for so long, and so damn often, right? I'm just tired of it. I am so tired of it.
Amber

I just feel that if I go asking for help...and I get it...who the hell am I to get mad at the person because the help isn't working for me??? if I can't accept the support that I'm given?? Of course it's my choice to take it or leave it, or to apply it to my life, but geeze Sannah, I should just be thankful that someone out there actually gives a rats *** to support me in a situation that most would turn a blind eye to, and shut my mouth.

That's how I feel about it. That's ME, and my feelings?

Amber, you responded this way for a reason. Now please just try to understand it and quit fighting how you feel/respond. I get irritated a lot, I just try to understand it. Right now MY CHILDREN NEED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL! I don't feel bad about feeling this way it's just how I feel. We have been doing a lot together this summer as a family, water parks, camping, etc. I enjoy it and am thankful for it, but after I spent a week with my family I wanted my children to go back to school and my husband needed to go back to work! I just need some balance! I guess because I haven't had a break from my kids for six weeks (after having my first year of peace and quiet when they were both at school for the first time when my youngest started kindergarten last year. The first mental break that I had had from my kids for 8 years.).

Hi Amber....
I'm so sorry Amber..that you are forced to do this before you're ready. I know it would had to have happened at some point.....but you're so adamant right now that this is not the right time. I was worried last night...I thought maybe you were talking to Ken. I didnt realize you were actually going through the discharge process.

Amber....okay....take a deep breath this morning and think about this:
When you first came back to the Board....your first post was "What to say"?
Remember? If I had a penny for every time you said in all those posts "I cant do it".......but you no matter what, you HAVE endured Amber.....
Think back to before this happened.....lets say when you were away with Sierra.......if someone told you in the next six weeks you will go through .......and then listed everything that was going to happen to you.....what would you say? I know what you would say...you would say "I cant do it"......Well, Amber, you are still here hon.....scared to death, but still here nonetheless.....and you DID do it....you made it.......
So look at going home the say way.......no matter what you "adjusted" to the hospital...although every damn day has been so difficult....but you will adjust again. You are right, this will be a long term thing Amber........sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. And that's where you're at right now......we will be here Amber for you....okay? You are not alone!!!!!!!!

I will be thinking about you today Amber.......remember you have all of our love and prayers with you as you go through this.......

Love you lots girlfriend,

Caroline xo

Hi Caroline,

I hope you're well...but I'm unsure about that, after reading your new thread. Hang in there, okay?

I realize that I have said "I can't do it" quite a bit. It's probably gotten old hearing this, huh? Sorry.
But looking back over the last six weeks...I don't feel that I did do it. Sure, I'm still here, I'm still surviving....but I'm in the hospital; in a room that doesn't even have doors, in a room that a nurse sits right outside the entry--24/7. On the other side of the entry way, about five feet away is a 24/7 security guard. So really, was it me who "did it" or was it the hospital that "did it"?? I don't know the answer to that...so it's hard to think about "doing it" right now, outside the securty nets, outside of the security of these walls. I feel like I'm leaping off a bridge blindfolded, because I really have no idea what awaits me there at the bottom.

God Caroline, I'm scared. I know you all will be here...and I do appreciate that. But I'm scared. I haven't been home in over a month. I haven't seen my kids in over a month. I know my five year old will remember me, but what are my two year old, and the baby going to remember? Will the baby even remember me? Will they expect me to be the person that I was when I left? What are they going to expect of me, and how are they going to cope with the unexpected?? Do I go back pretending to be okay? I'm not sure how this is going to happen, and I'm scared. I'm so damn scared, Caroline. I'm not going to say that "I can't do it", but how can I do it? Sigh.
Thanks again, Caroline, Sannah, Dakota, Emeraldeyes, and Beka, for standing behind me here. I do appreciate it.
Amber

I know my five year old will remember me, but what are my two year old, and the baby going to remember?

Will they expect me to be the person that I was when I left? What are they going to expect of me, and how are they going to cope with the unexpected??

Do I go back pretending to be okay? I'm not sure how this is going to happen, and I'm scared.

That darned unknown, it can be scary. I really am familiar with this Amber.

Of course they will remember you! You are their mother!

Expectations, I HATE expectations. Who are we to dictate the future, any of us here. What happens happens. That fear because of the need to control.... Again, I really do understand this.

No, don't pretend to be okay, IMO. Be who you are.

Be who you are.

Sannah, thank you for being understanding of the fear.

But the above statement...I don't think is a good idea right now. Not for my kids' sake. I saw that in Caroline's post, you said that you won't let someone bring you down with them. What about my kids position? Where they have no choice in the matter? If I be myself, I subject them to falling to my level right now, and I don't want that for them. So I don't feel that being "myself" in this very state that I'm in, is a good thing; for them. And now that I'm going to be out of the hospital, and I'm going to have take on the responsibility of being a mom again, their wellbeing is going to have to prioritized again.
Amber

If I be myself, I subject them to falling to my level right now, and I don't want that for them. So I don't feel that being "myself" in this very state that I'm in, is a good thing; for them.

Amber, what will "being yourself" look like to your kids (I'm trying to get a picture here)?

I realize that I have said "I can't do it" quite a bit. It's probably gotten old hearing this, huh? Sorry.
But looking back over the last six weeks...I don't feel that I did do it. Sure, I'm still here, I'm still surviving....but I'm in the hospital; in a room that doesn't even have doors, in a room that a nurse sits right outside the entry--24/7. On the other side of the entry way, about five feet away is a 24/7 security guard. So really, was it me who "did it" or was it the hospital that "did it"?? I don't know the answer to that...so it's hard to think about "doing it" right now, outside the securty nets, outside of the security of these walls. I feel like I'm leaping off a bridge blindfolded, because I really have no idea what awaits me there at the bottom.


Amber hon...that is not what I meant... about saying "I cant do it".....I just meant that every time you said it about something...you were still there through it. I hear what you're saying about the hospital...the security guard...not able to pee in private...all that stuff....
But Amber....all this may have prevented you from giving up "physically"....but you could have shut down completely mentally, but you didnt. You have hung in there......at times you've even offered support to others. I know right now you dont feel very strong..and I can understand that....but I see strength in you that you cant right now......would you trust me on that? It's there.....I think Dakota said the same thing....there is still a light shining in the both of you........I so very much pray for you both for some damn peace.....

Love, Caroline xo

Amber, what will "being yourself" look like to your kids (I'm trying to get a picture here)?

Sannah....I think Amber is afraid to be "herself" around her kids.....she is still not ready to go home. No matter what....she is still their mom.....and I would do the same....I "do" the same.......suck up my tears when I walk through the front door because my son is on the other side. The other night I spent the night in the basement because I did not want him to see my tears....he is too young to understand what's going on and why, but not too young to be affected by all the negative atmosphere. Although I know I can not shelter him from everything....if I can, I will, no matter how hard it is for me.
I believe Amber sadly will put on that "face" again, as much as it kills her.....because we do that for our kids......it may not be right...but it is always with the best of intentions....
My mom is "herself" around me.......and look what it "looks like" to me.........

I know where you're coming from...just wanted to add a different perspective....

Caroline

Caroline, my children have seen me cry and they have seen my husband and I fight. This is life. What they know is that it works out always and that they are not to blame and that everything will be okay. I think that children learn skills by seeing life. I think that sucking it up and then being upset and then losing your temper with them is much worse then telling them "I'm having a bad day and I'm sorry and it isn't your fault".

Sannah....I agree with you....but only if the "fighting" or "bad day".....is to a certain extent. Having a bad day...of course I would not hide from my son.....fighting with my husband over not having help around the house let's say and being exhausted....I would not hide from my son. They cant live like mushrooms and not experience any kind of tension, I know that.
Sannah, I grew up with my parents fighting in front of me....it was damn hard. I have been yanked out of my bed....with a suitcase packed....driving around in a taxi in the middle of the night.
I have sat and listened to how "I hate you"....."you've ruined my life"....I've heard things being broken.......I may not be able to figure out "my" situation....but I know one thing as surely as I breathe air....and that is that the reason I cannot handle tension today...is because every time it comes up.....I feel that way again. I know what you're saying about that inner child thing......but this is what I'm trying to prevent now.....my son years from now looking for "his" inner child because he had to see his mom upset all the time...and be part of a household of tension. Do you know what I mean?
Amber's situation is different, it's not like she and Ken will be screaming at each other....but it will be hard for her to just not give in to tears when she feels like it....because I know she will worry about those kids. She will want to protect them from that....I am just saying that, as much as I have been one of the people constantly telling Amber to focus on herself...that I understand what she's feeling about facing her kids....and being "herself" around them....that's what I was trying to say. Sometimes I think there just isnt a straight answer for certain situations?

C

Caroline, your son will NEVER suffer like you did, EVER. You can see the difference here? This conversation is good, understanding comes with discussion...

So Caroline, you bring up the inner child subject only in relation to your son. Are you avoiding here by chance?

Amber, I was thinking about why you got upset about the answer to your question on the PTSD board. You didn't get a practical answer did you? What I have learned over there is that of course you are going to trigger with any rememberances of what happened, anyone would. When you trigger, however, just remind yourself that it is a trigger of a past event that really is not occurring right now but the feelings certainly are. Sid over there always says to ground yourself in the present by focusing on what you are seeing, smelling in the here and now so that I guess you don't go spinning back into the past.

Amber, what will "being yourself" look like to your kids (I'm trying to get a picture here)?

Hi Sannah,
Since we are all being up front and honest here...I can tell you this. Being myself, and showing what I'm feeling right now, at this very damn second would not be a good thing, Sannah. Because what I'm feeling at this very second...is nothing good. "Here Sierra, hold the baby, while I walk out here and step in front of that semi". That doesn't give a pretty picture Sannah, but that sure is what the hell I'm feeling like right now...minus the kids of course. So you see, if I were to walk into the house, and be myself or show what I'm feeling, life as they know it, or life as we will know it will be no more. So, I will face up, and I will try to walk in there and pretend like I'm happy to be there. I will pretend like I'm happy to be alive, and I will pretend that I'm okay. I'll put on that face, and pretend like nothing ever happened, or nothing is happening. I at least owe that to them, dammit! I've been sitting in this ****ing car for almost two hours now, my kids are still at the babysitters, and I still can't walk through the damn door. I'm looking around my street here, and God forgive me, I really had no clue as to how much damage was done with the fire. Across the street, Sannah, there is a partially melted swing set...that used to be in their back yard behind the two story house, now I can see it from my drive way...and the only thing standing...is the stone built fireplace. What the fricken hell am I doing here??? Their neighbors...the only thing standing is the brick entery way. It smells here...so I think taking in the smells as a way to relax, won't do me much good, becuase it's a smell that is like no other. It's a smell of, well, distruction. More ****ing destruction. And the sounds...I heard the little boy across the street yell to his dad "Look daddy, I found another one of my cars, and it's not bad". ****, even worse. So, this is what I was supposed to come home to. I can only imagine what the inside, and the back side of my house is going to be like.
Trust me when I say this. My kids don't and have never lived in a glass house. We don't shelter them from everything, although I wish I could shelter them from more. Trust me when I say that they have gotten their fair share of **** to process to learn from.
So, here I am. Sitting in the drive way, wondering how long it would take for Ken to notice if I took the car and left. I've been sitting in this car, since 2:30 my time...it's 3:57 now. I'm scared to death to walk through that door. My heart is racing, and I think I've cried more tears than the law should allow just in that time. But I know I can't live in the car...so I might as well just "buck up" put on my face, and go.
Sigh.
Amber

Amber, how is it going today?

Amber...just letting you know I'm thinking about you.....I hope and pray your first night at home may have been even a tiny bit not as hard as you anticipated.......but let us know if you're able to be online today......

Love, Caroline xo

Amber, how is it going today?

Not very good, Sannah. I'll try and post more later. Thanks.
Amber

Hi guys, thanks for the thoughts. It's been a very rough night and now a very rough day.
Yesterday, I sat in the car for hours, trying to figure out how the hell I was going to do this. How the hell I was going to take on this life again. How the hell was I going to jump right back in, as if nothing had happened. I couldn't convince myself that going through that front door was worth the pain that waited on the inside, so I just stayed out. I just stayed in the RV last night.
Ken acts as if nothing ever changed. He kept kissing me, and making little 'flirty' comments here and there, and let me tell you...it was everything but a turn on. It disgusted me. My oldest kept hanging on me, and then this, it was enough to make me want to disappear, and was far more than I am ready for. How do you tell your husband and kids that their touches make you want to leap off a bridge?? So I put up with it, and tried to deal with it for a little bit, but then collapsed. I couldn't take it anymore. I ended up cutting again last night--the first time since the day after the rape. It didn't do a damn thing though. Today, those thoughts have crossed my mind a few times, but I haven't put them to use...what's the use, if it's not going to help?
I am now with the kids, and Ken is at work. He will be home around 6:00 tonight, and then he has invited some of our friends out for dinner. What the hell??? I am not in any position to entertain, and I'm not ready to explain myself, or my situation to anyone . I'm just not ready for any of this. I'm struggling horribly, and I don't know if I can keep up with this. It's too much, too soon.
Thanks for listening.
Amber

Amber...you know what I'm going to say....
Ken really needs to get a grip and understand what is going on with his wife!!! I'm sorry to say that Amber...I've spoken with Ken, and he is a lovely man. But where is his compassion? Why on earth would he think that you are ready for a social get together? You dont have to have any experience with this kind of trauma to know that!!!!
Amber, he really needs to get into therapy with you. He needs someone "else" to tell him what's going on with you, because he's not listening to you. If he was, the last thing he would be doing is "flirting" or "entertaining". This problem with him hon needs to be stopped in its tracks...I know you dont feel it, but you HAVE made progress.....and I'm worried this pressure will undo what you've worked so hard to achieve...I know you still have all the fears, but at least you're talking..talking about how you feel, not withdrawing totally, and that to me is progress!!!
Remember what we talked about yesterday regarding the kids? About putting on that "face" for them.....as hard as it is I understand that. But Ken is an adult...there is no need to do so for him.....so be firm and let him know that although you're home, your recovery is going to come slowly and at whatever pace you can handle. Sigh....I'm sorry Amber....very upset on your behalf right now!!!!
Caroline xo

Has Ken completely lost his mind! I guess he must think you going out to dinner with friends will be helpful? I think that you can tell Ken that you don't want to be touched.

Sannah, I did tell him. I've been telling him since this all started. I try and give a little bit, but I can only give so far, before my skin starts to crawl. So last night, Sannah, I think with me being home, he really thought in his mind that things are okay? The doctors released me for a reason, right...that maybe things will get back to normal. He so wants things to get back to normal, which I completely understand...but what's normal anymore?? I don't know what normal is for my family anymore. Normal for me has become the hospital room, the daily therapy appointments, the lack of "touch". This, Sannah, this place that I'm at now, is not normal. So I told him last night, I told him I'm not ready for him to be so touchy. And it caused another argument. He thinks that it is his right to freely show his love and affection towards his wife. It's his right as a husband to touch his wife, without making her want to run. But it's my right, too. It's my right to say no, and that I've had enough, and to not touch me anymore...and it's my right to have those requests met. And I don't understand how he can go from one extreme to the other, so quickly, and then act as if things are fine. Just this past week, with those comments that he made...that alone, is enough to make me want to pull away. Maybe I should be over his words already, but I'm not. It hurt like hell hearing him say those things.
You know, I'm not usually an angry person. But I am so angry these days, and so on edge. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm irritated, I'm scared, and I feel so out of control. I feel so out of control over my life, over my feelings and emotions, over my marriage, over everything.....
It's so dang hard.....
Amber

Amber, send Ken here, we are going to kick his butt! Amber, I think Ken is 1/2 of your problem here! I'm serious, he really needs to come here to get an outside opinion of what he is doing. Please ask him to come.

It's his right as a husband to touch his wife, without making her want to run.

Amber.....and its your right to "want" to be touched by your husband...without wanting to run. If that is not what you want right now....then at this point in time...Ken does not have any "rights" in this area......they are all YOURS!!!! Especially after what you've been through.
I agree with Sannah....can we talk to Ken again? He knows us and has connected with us...I think we could get through to him from an objective perspective. We know he means well......but if something doesnt change, yes he will be holding back your recovery of this.

How did "dinner" go? I cant even imagine.......

Love, Caroline xo

Hi Caroline, I have not held Ken back from coming here. We only have four computers in the dang house...he's more than welcome to come here. I will try and encourage him to come here, but who knows if he'll do it or not.

Ken gets home around 6:00, and then he'll start the BBQ, and I'm assuming everyone will be here around 6:30 or 7:00. It's 5:16 now, so I have a little time left. I'll post more about it later.
Amber

Amber, send Ken here, we are going to kick his butt!

Sannah, You're just too much, you know that!!! (In a good way!) Thanks for backing me up on this.
Amber

Hi Amber.....
I know Ken has access to come here.....but maybe feels since you are talking to us, then he doesnt need to. If you have an opportunity to suggest he come here because we may be able to advise him on some stuff.....please do so. He really needs to understand how you feel, he's not listening to you...maybe just maybe he'll listen to outsiders. Sometimes sad to say...people listen to strangers before the people they're closest to.
Thinking of you tonight and hoping you're making it through this dinner.....very frustrated for you right now!!!!

Love, Caroline xo

Hi Sannah and Caroline,

Tonight has been a night of complete hell...and I am really needing something to hold on to. Something within reach that I can grasp at. I'm telling you, he is going to be the death of me. He's going to push me beyond my limit, and there will be no turning back. He's going to push too many buttons, and I'm going to be gone for good...because I can't deal with his ****ing head games!
He got home from work around his normal time, and came into the RV. The first thing he said was "So, what did you do all day"? Not friendly, casual conversation, but with a tone in his voice, that I knew he was irritated. I asked him what the attitude was about...and his response was:
"You've been gone for almost five weeks now, it's time to get with the program" and "didn't you realize that there were no hamburger or hotdog buns" and "I expected more from you today", and "the house is still a mess, that it would have been nice to have a clean house when everyone comes over" and that "this BBQ is for you, why do I have to do everything?". Dammit, I haven't even gone into the house yet. I know, it's stupid, but I'm not ready to go in there yet. I'm not sure I can cope right now, with the emotions revolving around going in, so I've stayed out. I know my limits, or at least I think I know my limits...going inside right now is beyond my limit at this point. I didn't go into the house to clean, or to see what we needed for the bbq...Hell, I didn't even want to have the damn bbq!!! I didn't ask for it...why should I be responsible for it??? A little communication would have been nice..."hey, can you run to the store and pick up some buns"? I could have done that, I could have delt with that, but he didn't ask. Anyway, our friends came over, and I knew that it was awkward for them. I knew they wanted to talk about what happened, but were uncomfortable talking to me period, let alone about the last month. So, they just pretty much hung out with Ken, while I hung out with the kids. We sat down in the back yard, and ate, and afterwards, they wanted to go inside the house, and play games. Again, I'm not ready to go in there. So I told them to go ahead, that I'd go back to the RV. Theres nothing wrong with going back to the RV...I didn't care what they did. I did my social part, I visted, I put that face back on, I think I did good. I had no problem with them going, but I shouldn't have to go. Am I right?? Our one friend said that since I didn't want to go, she thought we should all just hang outside. I could tell that Ken was upset by this...Upset that I'm letting this issue "run our lives" still. I went to go talk to him, and he yelled to "just drop it already, you already got what you wanted". First of all, I already felt like ****, because our friends weren't comfortable talking with me, and then felt compelled to not play games, because of me, and then he wants to disrespect me and yell at me in front of them?? I told him that I was done, that he wasn't worth the hassel, he wasn't worth fighting for anymore and that tomorrow, I'll leave, I'll be out of his hair. It got pretty heated then, and he turned this whole month around, and threw it against me. At one point, he asked what I planned on doing with the kids, and said "cause what judge is going to grant you custody over three little kids, after that stunt that you pulled, trying to take your own life while having the kids in your care". Oh my God, just kill me now, just get it overwith already. I did NOT try and kill myself that night. Do you believe me?? I'm tired of explaining this...but I'll say it again...I could have very well succeeded, very easily that day. I drank three glasses of wine in the middle of the night trying to wind down, over a period of an hour and a half. Several hours later, I took three pills...first one pill, then a couple hours later, two more. And this was before James showed up! I had a full bottle of wine, and a full bottle of pills...I could have very easily succeeded. I drove myself to the hospital for God's sake!! As much as I wanted to after the attack, and as much as I wish I would have just done it then...that intent was not there!!! But you know what...I'm wondering if he has a point there??? What if I were to decide to leave...would I be denied custody because of the last month? Because I just spent a month in a psych ward, on suicide watch? Would I lose because of this? Because of something that was out of my control???? Did I really screw myself here, by not putting on that face, and just dealing with it the way everyone wanted me to???
What pisses me off even more than this stupid argument, is that when the sun comes up in a while, I'll be expected to be over it. I'll be expected to have gotten past it, and moved on. And I'll pretend to go on my "merry little way" just to avoid the conflict. And inside, I'll collapse, and I'll hurt, and I'll be so angry, that by the end of the day, I'll be so damn exhausted that I won't be able to function. And he'll be fine...he'll be a happily married man, because he got his frustrations out in the open, and he's past it. What the hell is wrong with me??? Why didn't I stick to my grounds, and refuse to go with him until he went through some counseling????? I am so damn angry right now, that it's burning inside. I'm hurt, and I'm upset, and I'm embarassed, and really feel like I'm losing this battle. I know I've said "I can't do it" so many times that it seems insignificant anymore...but really...right now...I can't. I can't function, I can't think straight, and I can't imagine going through one more day this way.......

And I don't understand how he can go from one extreme to the other, so quickly, and then act as if things are fine. Just this past week, with those comments that he made...that alone, is enough to make me want to pull away. Maybe I should be over his words already, but I'm not. It hurt like hell hearing him say those things.


dear A.--(maybe) because HE wasn't the one to get raped with a gun pointed at HIS head???...to put it mildly. and another thing: he does not have a "right" to anything of yours; you have a right to you!!! it does not mean that if you're married it gives him immediate 'acces' to your body--uh-uh! no!! too much pressure on you when you say no over and over--that would, in some instances, also be considered rape. sorry to say, but my sister saw a lot of these instances and defended lots of women who were "abused" by their husbands in such a fashion, during their marriages. and what the hell is up with the verbal abuse??? yeah, marriage does make things easier, but not when you only wait for your wife to come out of hospital after a horribly traumatic event, still with depression, and filled with fear, and confusion, only to take care of the family. and about socializing--i'd have said, you go socializing all you want, but i am not moving from here. i'm truly amazed at you, Amber, that you even THOUGHT about it, let alone spent some time with the people invited.

you're being pushed into something you're not ready to do, waaaaay too fast, my girl!!! listen, better get to those outpatient therapeutic services fast!!! talk to them over there about what's going on in the house, between you and him. ask them what you can do in re to this situation. maybe they have some ideas of how you can 'react' when these things happen--among other things, because you ARE STILL VULNERABLE!!!!! you can't even go into your house, for crying out loud!! we all got a damn breaking point. this man's gotta see that if he continues this way much more, he's ... i'm not going to say anything anymore, my dear, but rationally, i agree with sannah totally, and my feelings completely parallel caroline's.

thinking of you, and love you!!!!:angel:

Amber, how are you? You had a right to everything you felt last night. I believe you, that you didn't try to commit suicide that night. We really need to talk to Ken! You know, you are standing up for yourself here! Do you think that you are standing up for yourself more now than you did previously? What did you tell Ken when he said that people are coming over for a Bar-B-Que?

Amber, I just wanted to add that I also had to learn how to stand up for myself with my husband. When we met, I still had a lot of my problems which of course I brought right into the relationship. My husband did not "mean" to be this way. For me, I just wasn't standing up for myself all the time like I should have (frequently, because I really didn't "see" when I wasn't). My gut always knew that something wasn't right but I didn't know what (always trust your gut! It is NEVER wrong! Even when our minds do not understand our guts (or subconscious) always knows that something is wrong). I finally have it all worked out. I think that people will gradually continue to overstep their boundaries until the person who they are overstepping draws the line. I think that it can be a gradual process that just occurs (the person continuing to overstep because they are not getting any feedback to stop). I think that you and Ken can work through this.

I also wonder how much of this is just denial on Ken's part. Like he wants things to be normal so he thinks that if he can just wish them that way (and bully you into complying) that this is the way to get things back to normal. Since these problems have been here since you have been together maybe Ken has just become desensitized and accustomed to them so he thinks that they are not such a big deal anymore (sort of like when people have to live next to a volcano. They have to downplay its significance/danger.)

Amber Sweetheart....
First of all ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))........... ..
Amber....Sannah is right....you ARE standing up for yourself. And I believe although your life has been in such turmoil...that you DO know you did not cause it. I am scared about something right now. This issue with Ken is all of a sudden overshadowing everything else. Since you've been in the hospital, we've been talking about what happened to "you" and how to get through this. Now, all of a sudden, he has just thrown things for a loop and his behaviour is becoming your biggest obstacle. I know we all have relationship problems and you have them with Ken also....but right now I think the main focus should have been, just getting you emotionally to the point, where you can damn well walk through the front door of your house. Where you can as you say "be touched by your child without wanting to jump off a bridge". I'm scared that all of what you have been through is going to be "buried" and put aside to keep any sort of peace, because living with this kind of "attitude" has to stop in some way. This would be disastrous Amber....what you have been through can not be locked away in your mind....and not allowed to be "felt"....it's wrong. You have so many "raw" scars right now...and I cannot believe Ken is behaving like this. I cannot believe he expects you to go in that house and clean it!!! If he's had all this help from the church and the nanny, why couldnt he do it himself? He created a situtation last night that was "doomed" before it started to cause pain. Why would he do that? Amber, I agree with Dakota......if you can find some therapeutic service I think she referred to it....you have to get there, and get set up with someone as to how to deal with it. And Ken needs as much therapy right now if he has any chance in hell of getting his wife back.
I still would love to talk to him here....but you know I'm starting to think that the man we spoke to that time, would not be the same man to come back here. It really upsets me when people just are so very supportive and caring in a crisis....but when as soon as a few days pass...that support becomes less...it was only for that immediate time. Sigh....I'm sorry Amber....I really truly hope he can get his act together because he is key in your recovery. You love him, you need his support........I hate to say this, but if he loses you...it wont be because of what just happened 4 weeks ago....it will be because of how "he" is being right now.
I hope I didnt upset you by saying any of this.....I am just worried for you and always on your side no matter what!!!
Love, Caroline xo

Caroline, the way that I "see" this situation is that Amber's "life-style" with Ken has always been 1/2 of her problem and that after they can work through this that Amber can continue on with the rest of her work. Amber spent a month in the hospital doing sedated therapy working through the rape (and I know that she is not done processing it). This relationship issue with Ken is a hurdle that has always been there and which has always caused Amber distress. IMO it is the biggest problem to work through right now and I don't feel that Amber needs to be afraid from it. (This problem with Ken is interfering with her ability to function and it must be removed and it can be removed). It can be worked through (Caroline, is your fear of confrontation showing here, that confrontation is this terrible, terrible, fearful thing?)

Sannah...
Yes, her relationship with Ken has probably always contributed to her being the "rock" in her family. And yes, they need to resolve those issues, and I believe they can. But nothing can be fixed in a day (and I dont mean that you suggested that)....I am just trying to get her through the "moment" right now....because she can not see past "the moment" right now. I believe of course she has strength to get through things...but she has been dealt an enormous amount for any "spirit" to take on in such a short space of time. Everything in her home is a trigger, the house itself, her kids....the flashbacks in her head. I agree she and Ken need to work on their relationship....but I dont believe the issues she has can be put in priority, and then almost like "checked off" on a list as they are dealt with. She unforunatley doesnt have the ability to only think about one problem at a time because they are all piling on top of her at the same time. As you say this problem with Ken is interfering with her functioning....but Sannah, she is not "functioning"....she is just "surviving" right now. I dont think she is afraid of dealing with her problem with Ken....I think she just may not feel strong enough to do it at this point. If it's been such a problem all along.....and they have not dealt with it....it will be that much more difficult to deal with at the same time as all the other stuff that has just happened. Why now to fix marital problems when she is at her most vulnerable and fragile from the nightmare she just went through. I think honestly that Amber has stepped up to the plate by just surviving all of this...and that Ken needs to do the same now....and get into some kind of therapy...and just plain...quit being so damned insensitive.
Sannah, for sure they have problems....for sure Ken is making things damn worse for her right now.....but I believe that the only thing Amber can do is try and get him into therapy right now....because there's just something not right with a man who would throw his wife into a dinner party the day after she got home from 4 weeks in a psych ward. I think the next step should be up to Ken.....and sometimes....we cant all "do it".....we need to be supported for a little while....until we can get the strength to climb back on that horse again.....
My post actually had nothing Sannah to do with my fear of confrontation...I really was not projecting any of my own issues here. Actually, I do not believe I have a fear of "confrontation"......only when it comes to my mother. I do not freeze up when I experience any sort of tension with "anyone" else......they get as good as they give. It is just "her" that I have that issue with......
Anyways....just my thoughts...
Caroline xo

Hi ladies...thank's for being there...as usual.

Dakota, you said exactly what I feel re: "rights" with my body. He doesn't own me...it is not "his" right to tell me what he can and can't do with my body. BUT in the same token, I can understand why he is upset over this. I know that it would crush me, if one day he told me that my touch was hurting him more than he could explain. It would. Because he's my husband, and he's not supposed to feel that way. But I need him to just back off, and give me some space. I don't enjoy feeling this way, I don't enjoy feeling pain when he touches me, I don't enjoy hurting his feelings with this...but I'm not enjoying him touching me right now, either.

Sannah, I'm not doing so hot today. I haven't slept at all yet, and I've had a horrible headache all day, which I think is probably coming from crying so hard all night long. The kids woke up around 6:00 this morning, and have been playing and arguing since. The baby woke up with a diaper rash, and has been quite miserable. I think something also clicked in his little head this morning that "Mom = Food", and is refusing the bottle again, and keeps turning to nurse. I think "he" would be fine nursing again, but I know I wouldn't, as it goes back to the whole issue with touch. Plus, I'd be concerned about the meds. So, I'm just having to wait it out, by letting him cry, till he gets hungry enough to where he will take the bottle. Which in turn doesn't do good on the nerves, or the headache. My oldest wants to go outside and play, but there isn't a damn safe spot around for her to do so. She's now at a class that is two hours long...that I really just didn't have the motivation to take her, but did just for the sake of getting her out of the RV. I found out this morning that my little sister is flying in tomorrow for a few days. Only she's flying into San Francisco. It's only a three hour drive, but the thought of packing up the kids, and driving out there to pick her up, bringing her back here right in the middle of all the chaos, entertaining for three days, and then driving her back out to SF is more than I want to think about. If it hadn't been so long since I last seen her, I'd decline...but It's been quite a while since I seen her. I haven't talked to Ken today, except for the few seconds that it took for him to bring the kids over from the house to the RV at 5:30 this morning. I wonder what type of night tonight is going to be.

I feel like I'm suffocating. It's really just too much. I know I have to deal with each thing, but right now, my main focus is to just get through this minute. And then the next. Like I've said before, I'm going minute by minute. I have to figure out a way to get through the minute by minute, because this day to day mess is just too much. To fix a marriage, I think it takes work on both sides, and I don't think he realizes that he needs to be a part of that, and I don't have the strength to do it. I don't have the desire to fight anymore. It's not worth it to me anymore. Those damn thoughts, those damn flashbacks, the pain, the anger, the sadness...it's all too much. They consume my mind and my body right now, and I'm so sick of feeling this way. And the hardest part right now, is to fight those thoughts off. Because I'm not protected now. I'm not being hovered above 24/7. So instead of wasting my energy on a marriage that I'm not sure if either of us want to continue with, I need to direct that energy to helping get through the NOW. Because the now, is sucking the life out of me.............

Hi Amber....
I'm sorry to hear hon that things are not any better today than yesterday. Were you able to get any rest last night? You said you hadnt slept at all?
You must be exhausted.
Amber, dont feel bad about Ken and his needs.....just think if you are true to yourself "now"....and do not do anything that makes you uncomfortable....maybe one day in the future whenever that may be.....you will heal enough to enjoy that part of your relationship again. To push too soon could damage it permanently. And for sure you are right, he needs to back off here. I know he has needs but I cant imagine he would think you would be up for that right now.
I'm sure it is also alot to handle your 3 kids right now....Amber I have only one and he is a handful.....so I cannot imagine 3, with everything you have going on.
Try not to worry about your son nursing Amber....you know I never did nurse my son, I wasnt able to....he just refused to latch. I tried so hard to the point where it was really causing me so much stress....but in the end, he was perfectly fine. So just give him his bottle....and once he gets used to it, hopefully he'll stop crying as much and things will be a little smoother in that respect.
Are you close with your sister? I dont suppose there is a bus she could have taken to get to your house? 3 hours with 3 kids is a long haul Amber....
Do you think having her there will help you at all? Maybe she could watch the kids for a little while and you could get out, go for a walk...get some fresh air....just breathe a little. And maybe also check into some services outside of the hospital that we talked about. Amber I wanted to ask you......when you were discharged - what did they tell you? Are you continuing therapy with them? Did they give you any kind of "options" for the "outside" if things got on top of you?
How are things with Ken right now? Is he angry still since the BBQ.....or has it all blown over and he's fine now....as I know he sometimes does this to you.
You're very right when you say it takes work from both people to fix a marriage...it takes commitment...and I hope that Ken will see that very soon.
Right now Amber..I understand what you mean by saying you are taking things "minute by minute"......and I understand also how things just get so very much on top of you. I think Dakota mentioned the same thing the other day as I have before as well......can you try and think of something concrete, one thing...that when you have those flashbacks, negative thoughts.....or just plain frustration and despair.....can you try and find something that could be a comfort zone or place for you. It could be something from Las Vegas, it could be something in the future you would look forward to, and would not want to miss.....something that you know if things were different and you didnt have all this crap to deal with, something that would make you happy. Something to hold on for.....not just Ken, the kids.....something for YOU. I dont know if this would help much...but I know you would have no problem whatsover thinking of something negative in your life....so try to find something positive for the future.......and focus on it. It may be impossible right now...but something that you feel would be good for you down the road, when you get past all this.
Am here if you need to talk tonight Amber....

Love, Caroline

Amber, i have been reading and keeping up with you. i have to tell you that im really in shock from Kens behaviour. it sounds like hes thinking ok she is home, lets get back to the way life was before the incident..she needs to move on and get over it.the end...I feel bad telling you that but its how it sounds...BBQ, i would have told him to shove that up his you know what..thats wasnt fair to you at all.. you are not ready for that.. not that therers a time limit on your grief, because there most certainly is not...but you came home to 3 babies and a house to clean cook etc...and he planned a bbq ..what the hell was he thinking???

hi amber,
logged in for a bit today, before work.
want to say i'm thinking about you and care for you!
please think of yourself first!!!!!
love you!

Hi ladies..
I will be leaving for SF in a couple hours, so I figured I'd respond before I left.
Caroline, I'm not worried about nursing my son anymore. I wasn't worried yesterday...I just felt bad, and it was getting damn irritating listening to him scream...and because he wouldn't take a bottle...until my husband finally came home, but that wasn't till almost 8:00. He took the bottle from him, but he refuses from me. These little guys are so dang smart...you know?? He's been done nursing since I left...and now that I'm back, that's what he expects to do! But I'm not going to start back up...I'd rather only have to go through this once...plus, I'm not sure I can handle the physical aspect of it...if you know what I mean.
As far as having my sister around and it helping...I'm not really sure. She's only going to be here till Monday...so I don't know. I'm having a lot of anxiety about the whole thing today...the drive, having her here, etc. Don't know why, just woke up with it. I'm hoping that's not one of those signs telling me that I shouldn't be doing this.
As far as discharge instructions, I am supposed to be seeing the therapist three times a week still. Much, much easier said than done with three kids. I still have my original therapist as well, whom I'd rather see...but I can only go to her once a week. Realistically, that's probalby all I'll be able to make anyway...so I don't know. I was recommended to go to an outpatient program...but that's in Sacramento. Again...much easier said than done.
Last night, Ken was over the fight from the night before. But we ended up getting into another argument...and so we continue on this cycle. I had gotten about 15 minutes of sleep in two days, the kids were awake around 6:00 AM, and we had been going non-stop. I was exhausted, still haven't made it into the house yet, and really needed a break by the time he got home. Come to find out, he came home, and went straight into the house, and laid down for a nap...without coming in to say hi, or to take the kids for a while so I could get even a damn shower in. He was up there from 5:00-8:00 napping. I couldn't believe that he would do that! But anymore, nothing shoud shock me, right??
Jules, thank you for your support. I totally agree...that he wants things back to normal...and right now. I'm home from the hospital, right?? Everything should be normal, and since it's not, it's my fault that our lives are still *****ed up. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't get it at all.
Dakota, thank you so much for your post today. That means a lot to me. So thank you. I was thinking about you quite a bit last night...and I hope that you start feeling better soon. I worry about you...especially you and those migraines.
Anyway, ladies...wish me luck for this trip to and from SF today. Like I said, I'm not feeling too good about it right now...I'm feeling quite anxious about it. I hope it's just a mood, and not a warning sign. I'm sure I'll sign on tonight when I get back. Love to all of you...
Amber

Hey Amber....
Looking after 3 children all day is exhausting!!!!! And I mean that even if there is "nothing" else going on negative in your life. Needing help from your husband when he gets home from work, is something probably every single stay at home mom gets frustrated with, because it's a damn long day with no breaks. So even there, you have the right to be upset.
But with all of your issues, and the fact that you just got home from hospital, coming home, not saying hello, disappearing for a nap for hours......what do I say about that? That is just plain "cold" Amber....now I do understand why Ken approved that article. Because he just cannot see past himself right now. Damn I really hope he gets his act together and soon!!!! He should be so happy that you're home and going out of his way to take care of you, not the other way around. I can imagine how you woud treat him if he just got out of hospital, you'd be so good to him!!!! Big big sigh Amber!!!!
Good luck today on your trip....ordinarily I'd say hit that open road and clear your mind....but I'd give you a medal if you could do that with 3 kids in the back....geez!!!! Hoping your visit with your sister will have some good moments for you...I know its another stress but hopefully you'll have a nice visit.
Let us know how it goes....
Love, Caroline xo

hi amber,

it's ok, mama! you'll be fine. i feel anxious a lot these days about different things, and as i go for it (the thing(s) i have to do, the anxiety disappears. you'll have a good time with your sis!! you'll drive calmly to sf and on the way back you won't be alone in the car. but good luck anyway!
love and hugs, and pls. let us know how everything turned out! :angel:

Hi Amber....
Just checking in and hoping your visit today with your sister is going okay. When you have a chance let us know how things are with you.

Love, Caroline xo

Dakota, thanks for the positive thoughts, but I'm not fine. I'm not doing well at all, and the whole two days have been one long nightmare. And I still have all of today, and tomorrow left.

On Friday, as I said, I was having a lot of anxiety about it all. I really didn't want to make that drive, and I was nervous about having my sister here right now.
At one point in the drive, you have to go up this very, very high mountain. It's very narrow, and on one side of the road is a massive cliff, with Tahoe way at the bottom, on the other side there is a massive cliff, with another lake at the very bottom...way, way, way down there.. It really gives you a rush. It's beautiful though, and talk about a view! Usually, I go up there, and just admire how beautiful it is...but you know, my head is so screwed up these days, that the first thing that came to my mind was "If I were to take that leap, this would probably be the most peaceful place to do it". What the hell is that?? Why am I not even seeing the beauty anymore...my mind automatically goes to these morbid thoughts. Is this how you feel sometimes, Dakota? Where you should be totally happy, everything in that moment is good, yet, you still feel like crap? It's horrible. So anyway, we continued, and my planned three hour drive, took us damn near seven hours, due to construction, traffic, a massive wildfire in California that we had to detour around, bathroom stops, and an earthquake that happened right under San Francisco. By the time we got to the airport, I was in no damn mood to socialize. We then got lost in SF for two damn hours, just trying to find a parking spot. Finally we gave up, and left. The entire time, my sister's boyfriend was talking to me--non-stop, my oldest was in the back talking to my sister, the baby was crying, and my two year old was whining because she wanted to get out of her seat. Every nerve in my body was on overdrive...I just wanted a couple damn quiet minutes. Finally, I pulled over at a gas station, went into the bathroom, sat on the floor, and balled my eyes out for a good 20 minutes. UGH.
Yesterday, the family planned another bbq. You know, it's only three days, right? I should be able to socialize, with my sister at least, just for three days. But I've struggled, and I've spent more time alone than with her. Anyway, last night, there at the BBQ, everyone was out in the yard, playing horse shoes. My uncle, the one who lives three doors down, drove by, and seen my sister. Can you believe he had the nerve to pull over, come onto our yard, and start talking to my sister? I got up and went into the RV. During this time, they started talking about my dad. (My sister was always daddy's little girl) My sister started crying, and I hear my uncle say "Let me talk to Amber", and started pounding on the door of the RV. I told him through the window that I had nothing to say, and that I'm not coming out to talk. He starts yelling "Are you happy that you finally got what you wanted?" "You must be so ****ing proud that you finally killed him" "It must make you so happy to see that your sister is hurting because of you" and "You killed him, you killed James' baby, you killed them you stupid *****". At this time, Ken was yelling at him that he needed to get the hell off our property, and that if my sister wanted to talk to him, she'd have to get off also to do so. He left, and I spent the rest of the night in the RV.
Later in the evening, something kept hitting the RV every few minutes. Like little rocks. I knew it was him, because I could hear him out there laughing with his friends. I just sat there silently, hoping that it would stop...but it didn't. Close to two hours later, a bigger rock came through the window, shattering the whole damn thing. Part of the glass sliced my arm pretty badly. About ten minutes later, I heard them get into the truck and leave. At this point, I ran to the car, and drove to the hospital. Ended up getting eight stitches on the top of my arm, and now today, I have to go file a report.
What the hell am I going to do??? I am so tired of being hurt physically and emotionally by these men...James, my dad, Ken and now my uncle. I'm tired of going through this ****. I'm tired of living in fear. I can't even walk through my damn front door, and now, I can't stay in the RV, either. What the hell do I do? I can't live like this anymore. I can't go through life this way. I can't, dammit. I'm exhausted on all levels, I'm drugged up on the pain killers, I'm a damn wreck! I have one more day that I'm expected to entertain through, and then tomorrow I stilll have to make that damn journey back to San Francisco. While I was sitting in the hospital, I'm thinking...how did he know about the baby??? The ****ing article! That's the only way he could have known. And so I'm sure James knows too. I'm done, I am so damn done, I give up. This life, it's complete chaos, and I'm beyond tired of it. I just can't do this anymore...............

Hi Amber,

I hope I'm not butting in where I'm not wanted here, but I can't help thinking that with everything that you've been through and continue to go through and you are still here, then you must be an incredibly strong person. With everything that is going on, can you move?

I hope that Dakota or Sannah or Carsam come on soon to talk to you. I am thinking about you.

Hi Willow...thanks for the thoughts.
And you're welcome to come here anytime...you're not butting in!
Thanks again,
Amber

started pounding on the door of the RV. I told him through the window that I had nothing to say, and that I'm not coming out to talk. He starts yelling "Are you happy that you finally got what you wanted?" "You must be so ****ing proud that you finally killed him" "It must make you so happy to see that your sister is hurting because of you" and "You killed him, you killed James' baby, you killed them you stupid *****". At this time, Ken was yelling at him that he needed to get the hell off our property, and that if my sister wanted to talk to him, she'd have to get off also to do so. He left, and I spent the rest of the night in the RV.
Later in the evening, something kept hitting the RV every few minutes. Like little rocks. I knew it was him, because I could hear him out there laughing with his friends. I just sat there silently, hoping that it would stop...but it didn't. Close to two hours later, a bigger rock came through the window, shattering the whole damn thing. Part of the glass sliced my arm pretty badly. About ten minutes later, I heard them get into the truck and leave. At this point, I ran to the car, and drove to the hospital. Ended up getting eight stitches on the top of my arm, and now today, I have to go file a report.

god, amber!!!!
first off, glad that ken was there and stood up to that imb.ecile!!!! of course your "uncle" would say those things cuz he's your father's brother! of course he'd call you those horrible names and blame you for what your father did to himself, bec. he has nothing else to blame, nobody else to point fingers to, no one whom to "hang" out with anymore and do things that aren't right in the eyes of the law, if you know what i mean. of course, he'd use your sister to make you feel like garbage. and, of course he "Doesn't" remember how YOU were being treated by your parents, by your dad, and by everyone else in the family, just bec. of this james man, who dealt in illegal maneuvers, and who more than likely contributed in making your father dependent on that "stuff," and therefore dependent on him.

i'm sorry, amber, but it's NOT and it has NEVER been your fault for anything that happened to your father or your family, amber!!!! they'd rather have had james and what he offered them, than your wellbeing? they were there and saw it with their own eyes, yet did nothing???????? well, like i said before, what goes around comes around--sometimes in very harsh ways!!! i'm sorry amber, but you shouldn't have anything to do with this "uncle" anymore!!! i don't know how the passage of time makes you feel, and how you can forgive so much, but i would never in a million years even stay in his presence for a second, let alone have him on my property. i know you didn't want to, but he should've been escorted off the second he got on.

and the fact that he actually started throwing stones at your RV and hurt you so much that you had to have stitches!!!!!! that alone would make me not want to lay eyes on him in my entire life. i would definitely file a report, like you said you'd do. so, please do that!! please don't let someone like this guy go around spotlessly clean in society, although i'm pretty sure, he's anything but spotlessly clean!!! i'm wondering how your sister really feels about all of this!! what is she thinking about what happened to you and about how you were being treated by this uncle? amber, this man is trying to put distance bet. you and your sister. while at the same time making you feel like crap and taking out all of his anger and bitterness on you!!!. but dont let him do that!!! if you and your sister get along, and she understands you, and is/can be there for you, mama, don't let her "go"--you know what i mean!! he's not a good man, amber. he's mean and disgusting (bec. of his actions!!!), and a very, very, "little" person. i don't have any other bad words to use right now. i don't know why. despicable would be a good word to describe him, too.

amber, you just came out of the hospital a few DAYS ago!!!! what the hell is this????? i can't believe my ears when i hear this!!! no wonder you didn't want to come out!!! besides the fact you weren't ready (IMO), i didn't really realize what garbage awaited you at "home." amber, your uncle and his friends threw rocks and broke your window, and HURT you physically and emotionally/mentally!!!! you have a right to file a report, and if possible (i don't know) even one of those things for protection, geez, i can't even talk anymore....

darn, girl, this Has Got To STOP!!!!! geez, i wish i could do something For you, something more; you need protection, and comfort, and to feel safe and loved and cared for, now more than ever!!! i wish i could offer you all of these, mama!!!! i really do. between caroline and me, you'd be better, believe me. i know i can't fight for myself (i don't know why), but i WOULD and I COULD fight for someone else, dammit!!! i would!!!!! i'm so, so sorry, and so upset for you; i'm upset at all those idiots who make your life miserable. god, amber. i don't know what else to say now except that i'm here somewhere on the other coast, and i'm really thinking of and caring about you and your well-being!!! don't ever forget that, ok!????
and please don't worry about me being upset, cuz i know you--you always worry about everyone--you have to stop doing that too!!! you need to be a little selfish once in a while. i used to say that to many people on here before.
hold on,
love ya.

Why am I not even seeing the beauty anymore...my mind automatically goes to these morbid thoughts. Is this how you feel sometimes, Dakota? Where you should be totally happy, everything in that moment is good, yet, you still feel like crap? It's horrible.

yeah, amber, that's how i see it a lot of the times. and it IS freakin horrible!!! i know you know!!

Amber...
This is not something you would normally hear me say, but I wish to God you were still in that damn hospital. Listen, remember what Sannah said to me about my mother? That she is "TOXIC" for me...well let me tell you, I think that word even better describes your family.
Dakota and I can both tell you over and over what kind of people we see them to be...but you know that....that's why you've tried to break free of them. What your uncle did was like D said, disgusting, but consider the source Amber. They have never been anything but horrible to you. They have been this constant noose around your neck, tightening every so often. You have to break free of them Amber. I know you're having issues with Ken right now Amber...but honestly, I truly think getting away from that place has got to be something you guys look at first and foremost. Away from that house, the memories, away from that damn family. Go somewhere they can not reach you. I know you said your kids play together but that's too bad....forget about it, your kids can and will make new friends...and I know you do not want them to grow up with any connection to these kinds of people. I mean honestly, throwing stones at an RV....who does this Amber? Who says these things? People who are deranged, that's who. I hope you filed that report Amber......is it possible you can get a restraining order against your uncle? Dammit, I am so angry at these people...who the hell do they think they are? Why dont they just leave you the hell alone?
Amber....I know Ken ordered him off the property, but maybe he needs to be more assertive and let your uncle know he is never to come near you again. You need someone to be your buffer from these people Amber, until you can get out of there. In my opinion, as long as you live three houses down from these people.......they will cause you nothing but pain. They are "triggers" for you Amber. Cut them out of your life......for good. Please talk to Ken about renting another house.....I know there's probably not much around, maybe because of the fires...but surely there must be something....even if he has to drive a little further to work?
How is your arm? God, you must have been so scared....do you have a phone in the RV? If not, you should, so you could call Ken.....he should not leave you alone right now. But dammit, he cant leave the kids alone in the house!!
My god, I am so damn frustrated right now....why cant people just give you a damn break already? Listen Amber....do not let one thing that moron said to you even take up a second's residence in your mind. Of course you didnt kill your dad....that just sounds purely assanine to me....and as far as James' baby....there was no such thing. Anyone who does what he did, even if it did result in a pregnancy would NEVER have the right to say he had a "baby". NEVER!!!!!! I can imagine how angry you must be that they found out....as I read your post...I too realized it was because of the article!!! Way to go Ken!!! Could he not have thought of that? Please tell me Amber...that what he said, although probably very frightening, you knows it's a bunch of bull!!! You know that right.....
I am so angry at these people......angry at them, because they're making it so damn hard for you to hold on.....making it harder for us to "ask" you to keep holding on......because I really dont know how you're coping with this Amber.....it's a nightmare, it really is!! I really think Amber you need to get away from that place. Please talk to Ken, see if there's any possibility......at least you wouldnt be stuck in an RV, terrified and rightly so of your own home. You wouldnt worry about your family just showing up. I used to tell you Amber that if you "ran away" you would never really leave your problems, they would follow you. "Emotionally" that is true, but "Physically", I say "run like hell"....get your family and get the hell out of that place. Your best chance of beating this Amber, is getting out of there!!! Getting away from those people. I know you have problems right now with Ken, but it's not the same, he's your husband, he would never hurt you the way these men have....so talk to him. What does he think of what happened last night? Did he do anything about it?
I'm so so sorry Amber.......please let us know how you are!!!!!
Love you,
Caroline xo
Amber,

Willow...
I also wanted to say that in no way are you "butting in" here....it's never a case of "butting in" to show some kindness to someone, like you did to Amber.
Feel free to join these conversations anytime. You are always welcome..and if you need support....we are here as well for you, okay?
Caroline :)

Dearest Amber, I agree with everything that Dakota and Carsam said. I cannot believe the dysfunction that pervades that family. Your uncle sided with a rapist against you!

Amber, could you have told your sister no that you just couldn't handle the visit and the drive at this time?

Are you afraid for Ken to come here because it could stir the pot?

How are you today?

Hi Dakota, Caroline, and Sannah,

Thanks for the support, as usual.

Honestly, I'm not okay. I'm not doing fine, I'm not coping. I'm existing....

I spent last night in a hotel that is just a couple of blocks from the hospital I was in, about 11 miles from my house.
I had to go into my house last night for a few minutes, to get some of my things. It was hell...and the rest of the night remained that way.
I told Ken last night that I think he's right. Maybe we should split. I'm not sure that's what I really want...but for safety's sake...I feel that I need to pull away. I can almost guarantee that this crap is going to be in my life till my very last moment. I can't keep putting them through this ****. I can't keep risking their safety, their well being, their emotional health, their LIVES by sticking around. As long as they are with me, and as long as these asses are alive, they are at risk. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to keep putting them through this.
I tried talking to Ken about going to counseling this weekend...before this last thing went down. His view on it is that going to counseling means admitting that you have a problem. He thinks that this is "my" problem. While it is "my" problem, while the problem revolves around me...it's not something that I'm feeling capable of just walking away from...so it turns more into a "family" problem. So, I'm not going to push the issue. I don't have it in me to put that much effort into it.
I don't know guys, I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm falling deeper and deeper by the minute. This morning I realized that the last time I ate anything was on Friday night...and I've only gotten about five hours of sleep since then as well-three of those hours being on Friday.
I thought about going back to the hospital, but then I thought, why?? I've tried fighting these thoughts so much, that maybe I'm just at a point now where I don't want them to stop me. Has that flame burned out? I don't know...
I have to take my sister back out to SF in a while...and I'm so dreading it.....

Dearest Amber, if you need to go back to the hospital, PLEASE GO! Your life is set up now not in your favor and IMO this needs to be dealt with in the hospital. Someone needs to pull Ken into a joint session with you and this stuff NEEDS to be discussed. Amber, your life can be set up in your favor but it will take work. This work can be started in the hospital. All of these issues can be dealt with in the hospital.

Those people are just plain evil. I can't believe everything that is going on. I've only been on this board for a couple of months and I don't know you except for what you've written, but I can't help feeling really angry at them because they're so cruel. I hope you and your family can get far, far away. I think the restraining order is a good idea.

By the way, thank NVD and Carsam for telling me I'm not butting in:).

Dearest Amber...
It's hard to find words to comfort you right now because there are none. There is nothing we can say that will make this go away.
I do actually think it's a good idea for you to go back into hospital. But only if Ken will agree to find a new home for you when you're ready to leave. Because I think no matter how many weeks and months you spend in hospital, one night in that house, on that street, near those people....will send you spiralling back to where you started. Because Amber, believe it or not, you did make some progress in the hospital. You did have some moments where you thought you could see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know there werent many but they were there. You even gave support to others. So Amber...if you are feeling "fragile"..please please get to the hospital.
Amber....the only thing I can suggest is that you try to take all that desperation and turn it into self preservation. A little revenge even. I dont mean that in a physical sense. But Amber, let's face it, these people, seem to find joy in causing you pain. What better way to beat them at their own game, than to make it!!! To make it, despite them. To not allow them to destroy you. Amber, a few weeks ago, you were attacked, and you couldnt fight back. You can fight now. In saying that I mean, you can fight to make sure those morons do not take you from your children and them from you.
Amber..you are not "putting them" through anything. You didnt start this....please stop blaming yourself. You are not "running" from your children....you are running from the "harm that you think you are causing them"....in which case, in your mind, you're still protecting them. Listen Amber...if I can feel the kindness and compassion you have shown to "me", I can only imagine the love you must give to your children. Dont deprive them of that Amber. Take time for yourself, whether its in that hotel, or maybe go to a friend in Vegas, or in the hospital....but know that sometimes you have to go away and get better before you can come back a whole person. Think about someone who is addicted? You dont think think there are parents out there that suffer from addiction? Of course there are. And sometimes, they go into rehab for weeks, even months, and are away from their families. But they do it, they leave their families, so they can get themselves together, figure out how to move past their struggles and how to go back to their families, the same person that they were before the addiction started. You are entitled to do this Amber, without it being a matter of abandoning your family. You have a responsibility to them Amber....but you have a responsibility to yourself as well. You know what you need to do. You know you need to care for yourself first....away from all this crap. Sit, explain this to Ken......or tell him to come to the board and "we" will tell him Amber......I will do my damndest to make him understand...sometimes, we just dont hear as well when we're close to a person.
You know, you are very good at knowing Amber, what is going to hurt you..and what you can handle. You said all along, that your fear of James was real, and it was. You said all along, you werent ready to go home, and you werent. So look now at what you know you need to get through this in one piece, and for once in your life, be selfish. Explain to Ken that you love him and the children, and you want desperately to have your life back......and you just need time and support to get it back.
I know that's easier said than done...because sometimes when people tell me what to say to my mom....I havent even finished reading the sentence and I know those words will never come out of my mouth. But your stakes are so much higher right now Amber....you need to get away from that environment, and you need to stop punishing yourself for a whole of hurt you didnt ask for.

I love you...and I'm praying for you....
Caroline xo

Hi Willow!!!
Nope you're not butting in, you're very welcome!!!!! Who on this board can not use another friend?
Post anytime....and yes you're right, Amber's family are very cruel to her... in her case....I am just saying as a mantra..."what goes around comes around"...and I hope and pray they get everything they deserve for what they've put her through.

Hope you are well....
Caroline :angel:

P.S...BTW...I'm from Canada too...what part are you from? :)

Hi Caroline,

I'm from Halifax. Did I read somewhere you are from Toronto?

Hi Amber, I really hope your situation improves soon.

Willow:..yes, I'm from T.O....have always wanted to go out East, I hear its beautiful out there!!!!! :)

Amber - when you have a chance, please let us know how you are? Did you take your sister back to SF yesterday?

Caroline xo

Amber, how are you today?

Hi ladies...

Yes, I did take my sister back to San Francisco yesterday. Took 12 hours round trip for a trip that usually only takes six. There is so much construction, so many fires, so much traffic, so many detours right now...really makes it out for a long miserable drive. I'm glad it's over.

I'm still at the hotel...which is making Ken quite angry. Last night, he said that I'm spending a lot of money to "avoid reality". But I really don't care. I won't go back there. Not to stay anyway.
Yesterday, I received two letters from two different people from the State of Nevad Correctional Facility. I haven't opened them yet, and think I will take them into the sherrifs department. I'm not sure if they will do anything, or what they will do...but I don't want to read them. This is what I mean about James always being there. Even though he's in jail, he still has this large part of my life in his grip. Just enough to prove that he's not done. Just to keep that fear in the front of my mind continuously. Now, I'm just curious how many inmates have my address. This is what I mean...this situation isn't going anywhere...till the day one of us dies.
Sigh.

Amber, I'm heading into a meeting right now...but wanted to say something quick!!!
Why dont you let Ken open those letters? Ask him what he thinks of "that" reality? And ask him if in his heart, he still thinks it's nothing. Because Amber, he should be pissed!!! If those letters are from James.....then let me tell you, you are not the one who is avoiding reality, Ken is!!!! He came here saying he felt bad for not protecting you....there was nothing at the time he could have done, but he can do it now. He needs to step in and start protecting his family!!!!
I'm sorry hon if that upsets you, but that's how I see it. Most men would not put up with this crap and would not allow any other man to continually harass his family. Tell him this!!! He is making this whole situation about you...he is every bit as much involved in how this plays out.

Will check in again shortly hon,
Caroline xo

Amber, who is avoiding reality? I don't think that it is you, it is Ken. What is real is how all of this crap affects you and Ken can't get his head out of the sand to see it because he would rather avoid it. If he would get involved with what is really happening here with you it would help you immensely to overcome it. I am sorry about those letters. What a creep. Yeah, I would take them to the police dept. That is a good idea.

Hi Caroline, Hi Sannah,

I'm just not sure how to get "his head out of the sand" as you put it. How many more eye openers do I need to give him??? I spent a month in the hospital, I spent almost a week in the RV, I'm staying in a hotel now, I've told him that I think we should get a divorce, I've left him and my kids...how much more can I give, trying to get him to realize that this is the real deal?? If he can't see it, then who the hell am I fooling that he will ever see it?????? I find that when I'm with him now, I over compensate. I pretend to be something that I'm not, just to avoid confrontation right now. Peace comes at any cost...and I'm tired of feeling like that. I have a right to my feelings...but when I'm with him, that right goes straight out the door...because he can't accept my feelings. And he used to never be this way...but he's really done a 360 on me...and I'm not sticking around for it. I just had a counseling session, and I'm feeling very angry and violated right now. Lots of emotions and realizations were brought up...and it really just sucks.
Amber

I'm sorry Amber. Do you want to talk more about what's bothering you after the counseling appt? I know that you don't have the strength to deal with Ken right now and the easiest route is the best to take with him. So Ken changed after all of this?

Hi Sannah, just talking about everything...open and raw for an hour straight...just really gets to me. It makes me realize how crappy life really is, what I'm lacking, what I have that I shouldn't have, where I need to go, but don't have the resources to get me there, where I'm at, but shouldn't be, how weak I am, when I should be strong. It's just so much to look at this way...and really, just makes me want to stop talking about leaping, and just do it! It really makes things seem hopeless...and it makes surviving through this feel like an exagerated expectation. Sigh.

Amber, are there any strengths to build on then. You know, positives to focus on?

Sannah, my kids are my strength. They've always been my strength. But you know, I'm screwing them over now, too. This in and out of their lives mess, can't be doing thier little minds any good. So what do I have to hold on to now? I'm out of my house, I've left my husband and kids, I'm cutting again, my counselor says that I need to do more to get out of this depression...How the hell can I???? I'm doing what I know how to do. I'm going to therapy, I'm taking my meds, I'm trying to remove myself from the situations that hurt me, I'm trying! But these ****ing situations keep following me no matter where I go!!! I've been the one to move from state to state, I've been the one to change my phone number every few months, I've always been the one to run from the situation, since I couldn't fight it, I had to run. And I'm still running...only now, I'm running and my family is staying behind. I'm losing my family because of this ****...and unfortunately, my family is the one thing I've held on so tightly to.

What did the therapist say about Ken?

She said that he's human, he's not perfect, and understanding what is going on or how to react is an unrealistic expectation...because he's never been through something like this on a personal level.

When is your next therapy appt?

I'm supposed to be going three times a week...but I'm only doing once a week. So my next appointment is on the 31st...next Tuesday.

where I'm at, but shouldn't be,

how weak I am, when I should be strong.

Amber, considering what you have gone through you are right where anyone would be under the same circumstances. No actually, you are way beyond where most people would be. You have managed to start your own businesses, get married, have children, run a household, work, the list goes on and on. Many in your circumstances would be in prison, homeless, a substance abuser, child abuser, you name it. Because you are strong, you have accomplished much anyway. Your energy is just sapping here understandably now. You need support and you aren't getting it. It is your turn for support. I just wish that I could make Ken see how many cards he holds here......

Amber, considering what you have gone through you are right where anyone would be under the same circumstances. No actually, you are way beyond where most people would be. You have managed to start your own businesses, get married, have children, run a household, work, the list goes on and on. Many in your circumstances would be in prison, homeless, a substance abuser, child abuser, you name it. Because you are strong, you have accomplished much anyway. Your energy is just sapping here understandably now. You need support and you aren't getting it. It is your turn for support. I just wish that I could make Ken see how many cards he holds here......


Thanks Sannah, for your kind words. I was all those things...a few months ago. Now what am I doing?? I'm sitting in a hotel, on the floor, crying my eyes out while drinking my second glass of wine, while my kids are being taken care of by someone else, my husband is at work and will come home to a dirty, empty house, my business is being shot to hell, as I've missed three births in the last month...I'm not those things anymore. My schooling...I'm so far behind, that I'm not sure I'll ever catch up, or if it's even worth it to try. I don't know Sannah, I'm tired of struggling. I'm so tired. I want to feel some peace with my life, or with myself for even just one damn minute. I want to feel happy again...but each minute that passes just brings along another minute of pain and despair. It's getting so old, Sannah. I just don't know what more I can do to get out of this. I've tried Sannah, I've been trying so damn hard. But I just don't seem to get anywhere. I feel like I'm walking backwards on a treadmill. I keep going, I keep taking steps, but I'm not getting anywhere.
Amber

Amber, I know you have tried hard and Amber I know that you can get a wonderful life for yourself because I can "see" what is in your way. Okay, so here you are with your obstacles. Of course the question is how to get beyond them. Have you told Ken that we want to talk with him?

Hi Sannah, I told him the day after he made those comments. I told him that I wanted him to try and understand what I was going through, so he could understand me more. That's when he commented on "Oh, you're still bent out of shape over that??"

Hey Amber....
I keep coming back to you and saying the same thing....I'm sorry. I'm sure you're tired of hearing that. It must be just exhausting to try in 1 hour to get out all those feelings to a therapist, to go over things again, and relive them. I know its important you do it, but it must be so hard. I admire you, for what you have endured even just in the past week, since you've been home from the hospital...never mind the rest...I admire that you took the step of going to your appt, when I'm sure it was really tough for you.
I really do think Amber that Ken, although he doesnt see it, is a major force that is holding you back from moving on. Did you show him the letters? Please please do not even consider reading them Amber. But you know Amber....I think if Ken was to take things more seriously, really put his foot down when it came to your uncle...and to make you feel safe and secure by giving you this time, and helping you through it....you would get through this. If he was your safety net, I know you could get through this. I really wish he would come and talk to us...but I'm less than hopeful based on what you told Sannah earlier. Do you know someone else Amber, that could speak to him on your behalf? How about Barbara? Would he respond to a call from her?
This should not be necessary.....we shouldnt have to "enlighten" Ken as to what you're going through. No matter what, I know that Ken loves you...and I know he's a wonderful father.....I just think he's quite frankly "clueless" right now...to the fact that he is the key at this point to your recovery, that's what I believe. His support, could give you the courage you need.
Amber, try not to worry about your job, your schooling....girl, you have got to pick your battles here. Thinking about every detail all at once, will get you nowhere but "overwhelmed". Those can all be put back together later.......after you, your family.
If you need this time Amber...can you not go to a friend in Vegas rather than a hotel....I'm not sure if that would be a good idea or not...but it would be at least a more positive surrounding.....just for a little while. Your kids I know will miss you....but this is temporary Amber.....in the long run, they will be okay. You're not abusing your kids Amber....you just need some help. You do not stop becoming human when you become a mom. And it's not as if you're leaving them with a stranger....they're with Ken...and no matter what he's doing right or wrong, you know he will be taking great care of them.
I'm so sorry Amber...
Love,
Caroline xo

Amber.....please let us know when you have a chance how things are today hon.....
thinking about you....
Caroline xo

That's when he commented on "Oh, you're still bent out of shape over that??"

We're going to bend him out of shape......

Amber, how are you today

I've hit botto