Hi everyone!

I am new to the boards having just registered today. I'm a 36 year old female who was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type last year after having my first manic episode.

The manic episode was the result of a combination of things including major surgery as well as not eating or sleeping for over a week.

I didn't realize what was happening to me until I called my sister at 4:30 in the morning in a panic insisting my phone line was bugged and that people were watching me through cameras installed in my apartment. (The next day my two sisters and the manager of my apartment complex tried to convince me to see a doctor, but I refused insisting that there was nothing wrong with me.)

Speaking of the latter, I've had severe paranoia (persecutory delusions) for 10 years, but didn't come to the full realization of what was happening until my manic episode last year.

My paranoia centered around the fear of people following me, cameras being installed in my apartment as well as in the headlights of traffic that passed my apartment complex, the phone line being bugged, my food being poisoned and a general feeling that strangers were out to get me. I also believed that people deliberately honked their car horns at me while walking down the street or when passing my apartment complex in a deliberate attempt to irritate me. (When I look back at some of these delusions, I'm embarrassed to think that I believed them.)

My voices (I heard at least 10 of them) centered around death and persecution. Some of the voices were familiar, but others were not. I heard all kinds of messages from them. One voice told me to ingest a bottle of Tylenol. Another read my eulogy and recounted my entire life from elementary school until my premature death at age 36.

The first two weeks of a month long hospitalization were extremely difficult (due to the voices I was hearing), but after the meds took effect, the voices calmed and my paranoia lessened.

Since that time, I've been taking 1000 mg/day of Depakote and 3 mg of Risperdal and have been symptom free. I'm blessed to be working with a wonderful pdoc and tdoc who have helped me accept my diagnosis -- something that was difficult for me in the beginning because I thought that as long as I was symptom free, I didn't need meds.

However, they've helped me understand that schizoaffective disorder is a lifelong condition and that in order to remain stable and as healthy as I can be mentally, I will need to continue taking medication.

If there are any others on the board who have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (bipolar or depressive type), I'd love to hear from you! ;)

I look forward to participating on the boards! :)

neon_dreamer

Hello ND, I am pretty new myself. For more info on me please see "Someone's Opinion" and look for the FlyinHi posts. I am a biPolar schiz. and know all about the paranoia. I had the FBI, CIA, x-boyfriends, all my friends after me. All at the same time. I've had some scary dellusions. Horrible way to live. Now with meds I am coping. If I can be of help in anyway, please ask, I've been dealing with this for quite some time and actually my profession is a therapist. I want to help and meet new people like me, because I do not disclose my condition in my practice. This is my outlet. I spend everyday internally afraid that I will get sick again, but I fight it. I can't be afraid to live. And if it comes back, I just have to deal with it, the episodes, I mean. Were you in a hospital? If so, I am interested to hear your take on them, all have been so awful to be in! Keep up the fight and be well, Fly

Fly,

Thanks for the welcome! :)

It's good to know I'm not alone -- especially in regards to the paranoia. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I spent the past 10 years in fear. Even though it was one of the most frightening experiences of my life, I look at the manic episode I had last year as a mixed blessing because I no longer live in fear the way I used to. Of course, delusions still creep up on me if I don't take my meds, but in most cases, I'm able to do some self-talk to calm myself down.

I was hospitalized last year for my first manic episode. It was a very frightening experience for me because I was in denial about my hallucinations and delusions and couldn't tell fantasy from reality. I literally had to be dragged into the hospital by 6 people because I resisted and was in an extremely irritable, aggressive and confused state.

Because of the state I was in, I didn't understand that people (hospital staff) were only trying to help me.

When I was in the hospital I refused to eat for several days. I also refused meds, so they had to be given to me forcefully by injection. At one point I remember several people holding me down to give me an injection of something that made me catatonic for several days. :(

After the injectable meds started to take effect and the voices calmed down, I was given oral medication.

Hospital staff tried to communicate with me on several occaisions, but I refused and acted aggressively if anyone approached me.

From that point on, things only got better and by my third week in the hospital, I was ready for a weekend pass.

Unfortunately, the voices and delusions returned, so I ended up going right back to the hospital a few hours after I left.

However, the following week I had another weekend pass which went very well and a few days after that, I was discharged.

While no one likes being in the hospital, I will always be grateful to my sisters and the hospital staff for doing all they could to help me. When I was brought into the hospital ER (separate from the mental health hospital I was admitted to for my manic episode), doctors ran all kinds of tests, but could find nothing wrong with me. It wasn't until my neice insisted that something else be done "because this isn't my aunt." I guess that's when they decided to bring me to the mental health hospital to be evaluated. I was in such a confused and agitated state that nothing made sense until my third week in the hospital.

I'm so thankful for the fact that I'm doing well on meds and in therapy. I really think for me, this is the perfect combination in order to keep me stable. Then again, now that I better understand my paranoia and hallucinations, I think I'll know how to handle them if/when they occur.

Like you, I also worry about the future. My sister tells me not to think about what happened last year, but sometimes I can't help it because I don't know if my symptoms will return. It also doesn't help that I read an article which stated manic and psychotic symptoms can be worse over time.

The people on this board as well as the bipolar board have been a source of encouragement to me after reading so many stories of people being stable for 2 years or more. :)

Enough about me. You mentioned that you're a therapist. If you don't mind my asking, do you primarily work with children, adults or both? Do you have any specialty?

I don't blame you for not disclosing your diagnosis. I'm a returning college student majoring in social work and if I end up working in the field of mental health, my diagnosis will be kept confidential. I can't even share my diagnosis with my friends because I'm too embarrassed about what they will think.

I like what you said about not being afraid to live. We can't let our illness get the best of us or slow us down. I struggled with that for several months following my diagnosis, but now I understand that schizoaffective disorder is just a small part of who I am and doesn't have to define the way I live my life. :)

Thanks for writing! :)

neon_dreamer

Hi, welcome, I'm new also. If I could ask you how you found doctors in your area? Were they recommended to you? Or did you search for them? I'm trying to find some that don't cost too much, considering my mom doesn't know whats going on and I really need to get help as soon as possible. Did it take you a while to find a doc that was serious and truly cared?

Neon, you are in a good place because you are learning to understand it. That is where I am too and you are right, this illness does not define you or me or anyone with this illness and it doesn't have to control us either. Knowing the signs is big. Pay attention to what triggers it. I have also been out of control and argumentative, I've been strapped down, held down, thrown down, you name it. I've had friends find out who were cops because they knew someone who was at the scene of one of my episodes. I have to look back and say it wasn't my fault, it was my illness. Remember, anything you do while you're sick is not your fault. It is your disorders fault. So don't be so hard on yourself, you are just learning how to deal with it. I am a therapist and I council alcohol and drug offenders in the court system. I am also starting a practice on the side. I do not disclose my disorder not because I am embarassed, more so because it's no ones business. Don't be afraid to trust close friends with this, they may surprise you. All my close friends know and they are very supportive. Any other questions, feel free to ask, I've researched this to the hilt and am happy to help. Be well xoxoFly

crystalrain,

I'm so glad to see you taking a proactive role in your own treatment! Good for you! :)

I was hospitalized last year following my first manic episode, so the treatment team who oversaw my case recommended a pdoc in my area.

However, I did not like her demeanor (she seemed distant and unwilling to explain anything about my meds or diagnosis -- she didn't even read the paperwork the hospital sent to her office following my discharge).

I ended up calling a 24 hour hotline which provides information about social service agencies. They referred me to a local hospital who, in turn, referred me to 3 different clinics.

I should mention that when I asked for referrals, I asked for the names of pdocs who had particular experience with bipolar and schizophrenia.

I saw 3 different pdocs before finally settling on the one I have now.

As it turned out, my tdoc and pdoc are in the same clinic.

If I remember correctly, it took me no longer than 1 or 2 weeks to find my doctors.

By the way, if you're unhappy with a given pdoc, find another. It took me several months to learn that lesson until I finally realized I wasn't getting anywhere with the first pdoc (we were just going through the motions so to speak). I'm pleased to say that the pdoc I have now really listens to me, cares about my treatment and doesn't look at me as an "illness" or just another patient.

neon_dreamer

I'm glad you've found someone that really suits you and is there for you, I've heard so many stories otherwise. I think I'll give that a shot, and see where it leads me. Thank you.

crystalrain,

Unfortunately, I've also heard some horror stories about people who have tried to find a doctor they can trust.

I live near a metropolitan area, so that gives me more choices as to the pdocs and tdocs that are available to me. I know the same isn't always true for those who live in rural communities.

Hopefully it won't be long before you find a pdoc you're comfortable with.

Good luck! :)

Hey all, a lot of times you can check your insurance co for a listing on docs (if you do not have insurance, I recommend finding a way to get some before you start treatment because psychs are expensive!). I actually just chose one in my neighborhhood off the list and I absolutely love him! You can get lucky that way, but remember if you go to one and you do not like them, you do not have to stay. I met with a few people that made me very uncomfortable, so I did not keep going, I found someone else. It's always your choice. Good Luck finding one! Be Well, Fly

Fly,

Good advice about changing pdocs if you are unhappy with with any that you've seen. When obtaining my referrals, I found it helpful to ask for the names of 3-4 pdocs and base my final decision on my comfort level with each as well as how well I felt each pdoc addressed my questions. I ended up seeing 3 pdocs before settling on the one I have now. I mentioned this in another post, but the first pdoc I met, I didn't like her demeanor (she seemed distant, unwilling to explain my meds and never read the paperwork that was sent to her office following my hospital discharge). The second pdoc was better, but I still didn't feel as if I was getting the one-on-one attention I should. The third pdoc I saw turned out to be the charm. He really listens to me, answers all of my questions and doesn't treat me like just another patient.

crystalrain, let us know how your search goes and good luck! :)

neon_dreamer

Thanks, I have an appointment at 5:30 today with some pastor my mom wanted me to go to months ago. Everyone thinks I'm going for depression, but I'm going to go and see if she knows anyone she can reccomend me to, or if she knows a place down here that's based on income or something.
The only reason why I really don't want to go to her is because even though shes said many many times that whatever we talk about will be confidential, theres no law stating that she HAS to keep it confidential. So I'm kind of weary, but thank you for all the advice. I'm definitely going to try and get some kind of cheap insurance.

crystalrain,

Would you feel comfortable asking me questions on the board? I'd be happy to answer them. (If you're not comfortable, that's fine.) I'd like to help you in any way I can. :)

By the way, how did your appointment go today? Well, I hope! :)

neon_dreamer

Oops, now I got you in trouble, sorry. lol I was trying to see if there was a way I could PM you, but this board doesn't have that, oh well.
I guess I can post it on here. I was going to ask you if you've ever gone to a pastor before. She made it seem, which I'm not surprised, that it was somehow related to God. She said I don't need to go see a doc. that I just need to talk and pray.
Also she mentioned that shes only been here for 2 years so she doesn't know any docs. She just blew me off when I told her that I think I have schiz. I was so confused because she made it seem like everything I was telling her wasn't a big deal, which it was!
She asked me when was the last time I talked to 'someone' and I told her it was on the way there, in my car, and still she took it lightly and at the end she prayed and told God to make the voices go away.
You mentioned a hotline of some sort? Would it be in the phone book? I don't feel comfortable telling my doctor since he's a family doc and I'm not sure he'd take me too seriously.

Personally, I think that it is imperative that you do more than just pray and not seek treatment. (This is coming from someone who is a zealous Christian and the son of a pastor.) The great majority of pastors and preachers know little to nothing about mental illness. People, in general, are ignorant to mental illness. When you treat it as you would a bodily ailment, like cancer or diabetes, it makes sense. A pastor (in the vast majority of cases) would not tell a cancer patient to just pray and not receive treatment.
Don't get me wrong. I certainly believe in the power of prayer and think that you should ask God for healing. I also think that God gives people the wisdom to treat both illnesses of the mind and body.

crystalrain,

That's okay -- I'm still getting used to the boards myself, but I'm glad you feel comfortable asking me questions here. :)

I agree with Waffles and really think you should try to see a pdoc for treatment. I really hate to see you struggle through this alone. :(

While prayer can definitely help in some circumstances, it is not a cure all -- especially when it comes to mental illness.

I can't remember if you have insurance or not, but you might also find therapy helpful. As I've mentioned before, I'm in bi-weekly therapy and in addition to my meds, it helps keep my moods (paranoia, hallucinations and mania) in check. Without the therapy, I think I'd have a more difficult time remaining stable.

When I've sought the advice of my local pastor in the past, I was also told that my health issues (I have two in addition to schiz.) could be resolved through prayer, but you know what? I still have them. I'm of the opinion that God doesn't give us any more than we can handle -- although sometimes it can certainly feel like it!

Unfortunately, no one can really understand mental illness unless they've experienced it themselves.

I'm sorry your pastor blew you off like that. :( It sounds like she didn't take your concerns seriously.

If I were you, I'd look in the phone book for the 24 hour social service hotline I mentioned. You might even consider calling a medical or psychiatric hospital in your area -- I'm sure they could provide you with the 800 number -- or the names of local pdocs and tdocs in your area.

It just occurred to me that some cities have a number such as 211 which provide information about social service agencies, so you might also want to look into that. Perhaps a local hospital in your area might have more information in regards to that number as well.

I hope this helps and I'm sorry your appointment was so disappointing! :(

Edit: I just did an Internet search and came across two 800 numbers. Hopefully this isn't a violation of the board's policies, but they are as follows:

South Carolina Department of Health and Human Services
Public Information Number: 1-803-898-2500

South Carolina Department of Social Services
Public Information Number: 1-803-898-7601

Perhaps they can give you some referrals.

Hugs,

neon_dreamer

Thanks so much. I'm definitely going to call them tomm and see what I can get. I don't have insurance, but I'm trying to check in and see if I can get signed up with something cheap. I really appreciate your help on this.

No problem! :) Let us know what you find out!

neon_dreamer

crystalrain,

After reading the bipolar board, I found another resource that may be able to help you -- The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). They have affiliates in all 50 states and can provide you with referrals.

Here is the NAMI contact information for SC as well as their main website:

http://www.nami.org/

State: South Carolina
State Organization: NAMI South Carolina
Address: PO Box 1267
5000 Thurmond Mall Blvd, Suite 200
Columbia, SC 29202-1267

Primary Phone: (800)788-5131
Alternate Phone: (803)733-9592
Fax: (803)733-9593
Email Address: namisc@namisc.org
Website: www.namisc.org
President: John Balling
Executive Director: David Almeida

neon_dreamer

Thank you, I called the last number you gave me and they gave me the phone number to some Mental Health center. They said they take walkins 8:30-2, have you ever gone to one of those?
I'm kind of scared to go by myself to be honest. If you have been, what was it like?

Do not be scared - they are there to help and will be very understanding.

crystalrain,

I've never been to a walk-in clinic, but a friend of mine has and she said they were very nice and willing to do everything they could to help her. The counselor she saw asked her questions about her general mood, ability to function on a day to day basis and any symptoms my friend was having particular difficulty with. The counselor also answered any questions my friend had about therapy, etc.

I can understand your fear, but don't worry. Andrea is right -- they only want to help you.

If you're afraid of going by yourself, could you bring along a friend or relative? This is what I did for my first tdoc appointment (many years ago) and it really helped make me feel so much more comfortable.

In addition, if there was any information I forgot to bring up during the therapy session, my friend could mention it and/or elaborate on any symptoms she noticed from my behavior to help the tdoc get a better understanding of how I was functioning.

You might find it helpful to write all of the things you'd like to discuss with the counselor down on paper: your symptoms, whether or not they have a pdoc in their office, etc. and bring this with you when you visit the clinic.

I hope this information helps! :) I'll be interested in knowing how this turns out for you!

neon_dreamer

Even though I know they're there to help me, I'm very very very nervous about going. I'm going to though. The only person that knows is my Grandma and she's in NC. I don't know anyone else that can go with me.
I guess its all a matter of me just going and know that I'm doing it because I'm going to get better.
That Pastor lady wants me to come back to talk to her Wednesday and I'm going to come out and tell her that I'm going to the Center that way she doesn't try to make me keep coming back. I feel bad telling her no, but she's honestly not helping. Praying for the voices to go away does nothing. Sorry to say. But I think we all know that. lol

crystalrain,

I think it's best to be honest with your pastor. What you need to focus on is getting better instead of wasting time with something that will not help your voices go away (prayer). I think if you explain that you need to find another means of help she'll understand.

Each of us is different, but as I've mentioned before, I've been on meds since February of 2006, see my pdoc on a monthly basis and have had bi-weekly therapy since January of this year and I haven't been hearing any voices nor had any problems with pananoia or mania (although to be honest I think I experienced hypomania earlier this month after several positive incidents happened to me over the span of a week -- however, I don't know for sure if it was hypomania...I plan to talk to my pdoc about that at our next appointment). I hope that helps serve as a source of encouragment to you! :)

I really do think that once you're able to start getting help, you will start to feel better. :)

Please keep us posted as to how you are doing, okay?

neon_dreamer

I did what you said, I told her that I need medical attention and that it would be best I find a psychiatrist.

She preached to me the ENTIRE time, no joke, about God. Like I said, I believe in God, but isn't it my time to talk? As selfish as that sounds.

Oh, and she swore I have demons in me, which is why I see people, hear voices, am paranoid, and don't want to be around anyone. That made me a tad bit mad, but, I wasn't rude, I just told her to please pass the holy water so we can prove my point, which she resisted, of course and tried to cover it with God can take depression away. And I told her that I believe God doesn't take anything away, God gives you the choice to do what is best for you and helps you make that decision. Argh. What an exhausting, and very time wasting thing to go through. For 75 bucks?

Sorry I'm so negative, I guess I just expected more. Oh well, now I know. I should've known anyways considering shes a pastor and the first time I went she preached, but not so much, this entire time, one hour to be exact, I got maybe five sentences in.

But anyways, on with the good news, I requested a day off from work next week to go to the Mental Health dept. Still nervous as ever, but happy I'm going to finally end all this confusion. And just a quick question, did your memory go? Because I used to have a great memory when I was younger, and now I can't remember anything, barely, its horrible. Like today I sat the papertowels behind me on the counter and then I drank my drink, and then I looked everywhere for the papertowels. No joke. Couldn't find them.

Do you get that back any? At all? I don't know if meds can do anything to improve memory loss. Didn't mean for it to be this long.

crystalrain,

I'm really sorry to hear that. :( Your pastor obviously isn't going to change the way she thinks and unfortunately, many (although not all) pastors believe the same way she does -- that certain ailments and disabilities can be cured if you pray to God. I know -- I've already had several pastors claim that God could heal two health issues I have and needless to say, it's very frustrating. :(

I'm so glad to hear you will be taking a day off next week to visit the mental health clinic. I'm positive that they will be able to point you in the right direction to answer your questions and help you find a pdoc. That's what they are there for. Also remember the resource I provided on NAMI. They have state chapters which can also provide additional information, referrals and support groups in your area. Someone on the bipolar board recommended them to me in the hopes of finding a BP-related support group and I think I'm going to contact them.

To answer your question about memory loss, I started experiencing problems with my short term memory ever since my manic episode last year. This has continued to be an issue for me to this day. I'm not quite sure what to do about it and whether or not this is attributed to schizoaffective disorder or my meds. If you'd like, I can ask my pdoc about that (i.e. memory loss) when I see him a week from Friday.

When you see a pdoc, you might want to mention your memory loss to him/her. I know some people with schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder can experience memory problems, but I don't know how much is due to symptoms as opposed to meds.

I hope you'll continue to keep us posted! I'm especially interested in knowing how your appointment at the mental health clinic goes!

Thinking of you,

neon_dreamer

Hey neon dreamer, sorry its taken forever for me to reply. But thank you for that phone number, once again. I went for an assessment or however you spell it, and they want me to come back on the 8/22. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Just a little wierd I guess because I'm not used to being that up in personal. I suppose I need to get used to that.
Once again thanks for all your help. I really appreciate it. :D

crystalrain,

Great to hear from you! :) I've been wondering how you've been doing!

I'm glad your appointment went well and that it wasn't as bad as what you thought it would be. :)

If you have any other questions after your appointment on the 22nd or would like to give me an update, feel free to post here.

Good luck!! :)

neon_dreamer