Ok, I am not going to be too liked on here, but I have a very serious question to ask about Autism. Please do not get defensive or think that I am trying to be uncaring, because I assure you that is not the case here!

My boyfriend's niece is 3 years old and is Autistic! She has the classic symptoms of being in her own world, not responding to her name, etc. Every now and then, she will allow me (or others) to pick her up or sit down with her to play or whatever! But her behavior is terrible! She always throws the worst fits and I do realize that Autism has this characteristic, but to what degree? It is almost like her parents allow her to just "run the show" basically and they always say " well, it's the Autism" and I just wonder how much you can blame on Autism and if there is a true discipline problem! This little girl will constantly push her parents until she gets her way, then she's ok! It is very disturbing, and sometimes,(forgive me), but I feel like saying " enough with the babying and excuses....please discipline your kid!!!!" I know some of you here will be mad for me saying this, and that's ok, but come on!! Even special needs children have to have boundaries and should not just be allowed to fall down and throw a complete fit whenever and where ever they want to! Can anyone shed some light on this for me? I know I'm not the parent of an Autistic child, so I can't possibly understand it all, but I want to understand because this is really disturbing to be around sometimes! Any input here would be great!

I'm no expert in autism, but I am a childcare provider and I agree that all children need boundaries. The key is to make the boundaries appropriate to the child, for example, a 5 month old baby does not typically feed himself but it is reasonable to expect that an average 12 month old baby can put finger food into her mouth. With that in mind, to what extent does your boyfriend's niece's autism allow her the ability to calm herself so she doesn't need to throw a fit? Dealing with behavioral outbursts is exhausting, so I'm in no rush to judge her parents.

Being a parent is very, very different than not being a parent. That probably sounds really obvious but it is not. Once I became a parent, I realized that actually being a parent is very, very, very different than just observing from the outside. I realized that I had a lot of opinions about things I didn't know diddly-squat about. :)

Without knowing more about her unique self, neither you nor I can make any judgments on where her boundaries can and should be. It sounds like you care about her, why not get see if her parents would welcome you to take an active role in helping her? Learn more about autism, get training, why not give them some respite childcare, even if just for 30 minutes?

There's a really good book I read recently called George and Sam, by Charlotte Moore. She writes about her experiences of raising her autistic boys and it's a really inciteful, descriptive book about the difficulties autistic children face.

One of the things that a lot of people don't realise is that certain things that most kids find usual can actually be physically painful and/or terrifying for an autistic child. Hypersensitive hearing can cause major problems, as can changes in routine and a lack of comprehension and/or communication (ie child doesn't understand why they can't have what they want/need and equally can't communicate this to anyone around them). For a lot of children on the spectrum controlling their behaviour is a bit like asking a child in a wheelchair to jump up and do a cartwheel - it's just an unrealistic expectation.

Swanna's advice is spot on - an offer of help is so welcome, whilst (and I don't mean this to be rude at all, please don't take offense!!) 'advice' can often be quite insulting, particularly for parents who may well be permanently at breaking point.

Scout around on Amazon for books on the subject - another good one is 'Born on a Blue Day' (Daniel Tammet) and a couple by Luke Jackson - both with Aspergers which is high-functioning, meaning they can articulate very clearly what it's like to live with these conditions.

Hope something in there helps

Thanks for caring enough to inquire. That's a big deal.:angel:

Being the parent of an autistic child is so difficult and isolating, if you offered them some respite care (babysitting basically) they would appreciate it! My mother is so unsure about watching my son that she just DOESN'T. And I need a break!!

For SURE put limits on these kids. Let them tantrum. However some can go on for literally hours. But at home my son does not get away with inappropriate behavior. At the grocery store, I don't let him tantrum. At school, if he refuses to do work, he doesn't get attention, but he doesn't get to move on until the task is completed. Sometims the teacher will wait him out 10 minutes, sometimes 10 seconds.

I think the best way to go about it is to find out what it may be like in the childs mind. Forget about the parents for a minute. If something is so overwhelming for you-and it may not be what YOU think it is- but you can't tell someone because you're 3 and don't have the language skills- it has to be frustrating beyond belief. What if you hated the feeling of long sleeves, and it actually felt painful tp you for sensory issues you have, but darn it! Every winter your mom had one on you every day. So you did the only thing you knew to do with no vocabulry. You threw tantrums. So it may not be the child doesn't want to do what the parent said, something else ENTIRELY may be happening. Frustrating....

This is all such a learning experience..and EVERY child is different. I have never talked to any other mom where the kids are similar. So when you are a little lost as a parent and other folks are looking at you, the first thing you say is "He/she has autism".

We werre at a festival where there was a street market. By the time we got to the end, my son was stimming (self stimulating) because he's 5 and way shorter than the crowd and felt so closed in that he did what he knew....stimulated himself with doing repetitive behaviors to make himself feel safer. He did sign language for every animal he knew over and over until we were out of there!!! So it's not what you think. Dicipline is not the answer for these kids on the autism spectrum. Seeing why the behavior is there in the first place is key. Just like the post before me. Telling an autistic child to "behave" is like asking a child in a wheel chair to do cartwheels. (Very well put by the way...I'm using that one again:wave: )

Maybe the parents need to step up too, who knows. Having someone like you to even aks the questions is enlightening!!!!:D

any other questions, let us know!!!!!!!

If she's using her tantrums to manipulate her parents, then that's not autism. For example, if she just has learned that she'll get whatever she wants if she throws a tantrum, then this isn't the autism. If, however, she throws tantrums because of bright lights, annoying sounds, or certain clothing textures, then this is surely the autism. From my own experience with Asperger's, autistic tantrums pretty much take the form of three triggers: sensory issues, interruption in routine, or frustration over not being able to do something. Mostly, though, it's the first two. Sometimes, it's very hard to be able to tell if the child is reacting to something sensory or if they're just "being bad," because sensory triggers may be very, very mild and unbeknownest to you. They're often unbeknownest to the autistic individual. I often don't realize why I'm lashing out at my mother until after it's all over. My pants were too tight, she came in and told me to do something without a warning and I wasn't finished with doing something else, a baby was crying in the background, etc. I think it's just important to step back and analyze the situation- try to find possible triggers for the tantrum. Try to see if the tantrum was warranted by something that autistics cannot handle- or if it was started to get something that she wanted.
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