This is going to be kind of long, so I appreciate anyone who will read it through and try to advise me.

My son is 13 years old and worships the ground his father walks on. We have not been together for the last 9 years, but I have always nutured their relationship. At one point, I allowed my kids to go and live with their dad in another state. My son missed him so much and my daughter wanted to be with her brother. It was hard, but he had a good job, had just bought a house and he's a really good dad who loves his kids beyond all reason.

Last summer when my kids came to stay with me, my daughter expressed a desire to return to live with me. She is going into puberty and wanted to be with her mom. She wasn't happy and she really missed me and her stepdad. So we made all the arrangements and instead of returning to her dad's, she stayed. She was only two when her dad and I split and she is much closer to her stepdad than her own dad. There are issues and reasons, but that is another story altogether.

Anyway, this seemed to trigger something in my ex. He has a history of drug abuse, but had been clean for years. Anyway, the company he was working for went under or something and he was out of work. The bills started piling up and he started drinking daily, which really upset my son. At thirteen, he is totally anti-drug and his dad's drinking made him really unhappy.

Last Thanksgiving, things came to a head and BLEW, big time. My son is a very sensitive soul and he just couldn't take it anymore. He said his dad quit spending time with him and just sat in front of the TV and drank. So, we brought him back to live with us.

About 5 months ago, my ex just quit calling. I couldn't reach him and pretty much knew what this meant. I tried calling him, his mom, his sister and his best friend. No one would talk to me. My son was angry, hurt and confused. He began acting out and blaming everyone, but his dad.

To get to the end of this, a few weeks ago, I arranged for my son to visit a friend where my ex lives. He told me that he wasn't going to try to see his dad, but would probably see his grandma. I guess my ex had started to clean up again and was staying at his moms. So my son and his dad did connect. I talked to my ex and he admitted that he had been using again. BTW, he's an IV drug user (cocaine mostly).

My son thinks that if he had stayed with his dad, he wouldn't have started using again. I have talked to my son and tried to explain that noone can control a drug addict and their actions. He says he knows this in his head, but his heart is another matter completely.

Now, his dad has dropped off the face of the earth again. I spoke to his best friend this morning and he says that my ex is definately using again. He says that he's all done, he has his own family to worry about, which I fully understand.

We don't have any alateen meetings where we live. I suggested that my son checked online for an alateen meetings. He has said that he will do this.

What can I do to help my boy? It breaks my heart to see him so unhappy and confused.

I know this is long and probably convaluted, so I thank anyone who actually got all the way through it. There is much more to this story, but I think I got the basics out there.

I appreciate any advise anyone can give me.

Thanks

Lizzie

Hello Lottyliz

It is a sad situation for sure. I believe that you need to send a clear mesage to your son : he is neither old enough nor has the needed skills to change his adult father's course of action. The best your son can do is be an example in his own behaviour to the world of what he is working himself to mature into a worthwhile man that his own children will someday be able to model for sucess and happiness.

Help him to acknowledge that his Dad's behavior has become an issue for him simply because it is his dad. Let him know kindly, but firmly, that he needs help to learn how to behave more maturely in his reactions to his dad's personal, adult problems. Let him know that his (your son's) behaviour is not healthy nor will it be tolerated because you love him to much to let him continue in his own young, destructive path. Let him know that you do not have the skills to help him resolve these problems areas of his any more than he has the skills to help his dad resolve dad's issues... and that is why you are going to set up a series of appointments with a counselor for him(son). Becuase while a child had no obligation, and it would just be too backwards, for a child to try to help an adult, an adult does have an obligation to help a child, especially a son or daughter. Be firm, be a parent and not a friend right now, and get those therapy sessions set up pronto. After meeting jointly with the counselor so Son feels comfortable, allow him to speak alone and privately with the therapist and start to learn how to take responsibility for himself. It will go a long, long way.

I have worked with yourth for over 25 years and raised my own three children who are now adults. Allowing them the opportunity to handle a therapist on their own is important in teaching self-advocacy and letting the child begin the task of assuming responsibility for the choices made in the rest of life.

Best wishes
reach

PS Al-Anon is a great tool, but there is no need to fret if it is not easily accessible.

If you don't have al-anon or alateen in your area, there is another option. Look into starting an al-anon meeting yourself. You can recruit by going to a local AA meeting (one listed as "open") and asking for help. It is very common for AA and al-anon/alateen to hold meetings simultatneously in separate rooms of the same church.

whether you can get that going or not, talk therapy with a professional is probably a good bet.

Thanks for your responses. I have had several long talks with my son and he knows in his head that his emotions are not rational and that he really is in no way to blame for what his dad has done. It's his heart that doesn't know it. And we all know that you cannot help how you FEEL.

We have tried counselling in the past and he just shuts down, and I mean literally. He will sit in the counselors office for an hour and not say a single word. I have discussed this with him and he has agreed to try. Obviously this poor kid has trust issues. I think I may be the only person left that he really trusts. So I explained that as his mom I am too close to the situation to help him and that he needs someone outside the situation to advise him.

I also let him know that he could talk to me at any time about anything. Although in the past he has been closer to his dad than with me, that seems to be changing. We sat last night and talked for over three hours about all sorts of stuff, some serious and some not so serious.

It was very gratifying to have my 13 year old son confide in me so readily. For those of you who have teenagers, I am sure you can relate. They can be so distant at this age.

Great suggestion about starting a local Alateen meeting. I went for several years when I was a teenager myself and ended up running a meeting for about a year. So I am no stranger to meetings. I have a friend who attends AA meetings, so maybe he can help me out.

Thanks again. I think a big part of my original post was needing to vent. If I could spare my son this pain I would, but I guess I settle for helping him get through this in any way I can.

Lizzie

Great suggestion about starting a local Alateen meeting. I went for several years when I was a teenager myself and ended up running a meeting for about a year. So I am no stranger to meetings. I have a friend who attends AA meetings, so maybe he can help me out.I'll bet he will even help you by announcing the meeting at his AA groups. Most AA meetings have a time for "announcements" and letting people know that a new (particularly if it's the only) alateen meeting would be news most of the AA members would want to know. After all, most recovering alcoholics have families who have some issues of their own.

Good luck, and bless you.