My husband has a drinking problem. Unfortunately for me, I didn't find out until a year into our marriage. His family and ex-wife knew but didn't feel the need to tell me.

I feel betrayed. He knew how I felt about alcohol (my ex-husband died of it), how I would not have anything to do with this and married me anyway. He has constant mood swings, doesn't want to do anything anymore , his hands shake when he wakes up and falls asleep early in the evenings until the morning. He used to blame these things on his job and of course I had no need to question that. It wasn't until a family member who shares our home started noticing him going into the trunk of his car often. I assume that is where he hides the booze. I then started checking around and found empty soda bottles with vodka in them all over the house. On one hand I want to leave him because he will not give it up and on the other hand, this is my 3rd marriage and I feel like such a failure, amongst other things. He is a kind and sweet man but his drinking problem is killing our marriage. I don't even feel that close to him anymore. I have tried threatening him but that makes him withdraw even more.

One more thing, I contacted the ex-wife and she filled me. Trust me, I stressed over this for a long time even though I felt it was not the best thing to do. She stated that he has had this problem for a long time and will never change (they were married 25 years). When they divorced, he had a nervouse breakdown and was hospitalized for a few months.

I feel I should leave but I am afraid he will have another breakdown and this time it will be fatel. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

Missy

Hi there Missy,


Welcome to this board!!!

So sorry to hear of your husbands alcoholism. The things that you describe him doing are so classic of an alcoholic.....

The shakes in the morning
The bottles of stuff stashed everywhere,
The attitude issues

It sounds to me that you feel as though parts of your life are failures and I just wanted to share that they are not failures!!!! Sometimes things just do not work out the way that we think they should...it does not make it a failure.

Another thing I wanted to point out is that if you really feel in the pit of your gut that you should leave...you really should listen to your gut.
Our guts are like a barometer and let us know when we should take some important actions. It sounds as though yours is giving you a huge red flag warning!!!!! It is os hard when you are caught up inthe feeling and emoition to make the best decisions to take care of yourself.
Another note here...I am not saying that you should or should not leave your husband, but if you were to decide to leave so that you can continue to be safe and take care of yourself......that does not mean that you are responsible for anything that he does after you leave.
He is an adult and is responsible for his own actions and reactions.

You may want to try going to an Al-Anon meeting. There will be women and men in those rooms who have either gone through the same thing as you are experiencing or are going through it at the present time.
Please reach out to those folks because they can give you real live support when you need it. This board is great but live physical people would be a great thing to add.
I sense that you feel really overwhelemed and torn as to what the right decision to make is. You are not to blame for his alcoholism!!!!! You are not a failure!!!!!
Do what is right for yourself and if at this time your not sure what that is then it will take a bit of work and action to figure that out. Try the Al-Anon group or counseling and see where that takes you...If you Pray then ask for guidence in this matter and the answers will come for you.....
Please keep us posted and continu to aske questions and get input in here
I will be thinking of you in my prayers....Chrissy

Thank you so much. You were very helpful. I will keep you posted.

Missy

Hey Dear,

Ok,,you have to do what is best for you. I am a recovering alcohalic for almost 6 years. There is no changing one of us till we hurt bad enough and you cannot worry that he will have a breakdown. What would that hurt? He may have to go to a hospital and then get help. Not such a bad thing. That is what happened to me. I walked into treatment and blew a .45. It was the longest hardest but most worth it in my life. Because of my pain I changed.

I agree on you going to an alanon meeting. Or heck just go to an AA meeting and talk to some of "us" and it might also give you some insight to this wicked disease.

One more thing, us alkies can be very manipulative and it is at it's most horrible while still drinking. When you make your decision to leave, there may be threats on his part of harming himself. Been there done that. You still do what is right for you. I feel for those who have lived with and loved us. We torture them emotionally and some of us physically abuse the ones we love. Not cool. Go your own way. You will hurt but other's have been where you have. Honest Injun!

As for being married 3 times,,,oh well. Who the heck cares? Anyone who says anything judgemental on that is goofy. Everybody goofs in this life. One way or another. The ones who judge you are not worthy of you caring what they think Sweety.

God Bless You and stay tuff. It sucks for now but will get better. Pinky promise.

Sherry Lynn