wow.. where do I start..
November of last year I thought I found the man of my dreams..
normally I am smarter than this, but I had unprotected sex.. ugh!
big mistake!
come to find out... this guy had herpes along with lottssss of other partners..
I'm sickened!
sickened that I was so stupid and let this happen to me. something so horrific to me that I feel like I have a life sentance now.
I want to cry every time I think about it.
I'm here to simply get infomation and ** sighs*** support.
my big question is... even if I dont have intercourse with a guy, simply oral sex... is it possible to spread the disease without a cold sore... i have never had one thank god, but I'm frightened that I might spread it..

any info would be appreciated!!

very down and desperate for answers...

me..

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time with this. First of all, stop kicking yourself. Unprotected sex was a mistake, but if your partner knew he had herpes, he had a responsibility to tell you.

Your post leaves me with some questions. You say 'cold sore', Did your bf have oral or genital herpes? You say you've never had an ob. Have you been tested? Herpes is only spread through direct contact with the site. Oral herpes can be spread by kissing or giving oral sex, particularly during an ob. If it's genital, it can be passed through intercourse or if your partner gives you oral sex. The virus can be passed when there are no symptoms present by 'shedding' of skin cells, but shedding does not occur all the time. Suppressive therapy (medication) lessens the occurrance of shedding considerably, but that's something to decide with your doctor's advice.

If you've never had an ob, and you haven't been tested, have the test done. If your partner had no symptons when you were intimate, it's possible that you didn't contract it. Then again, some people have it and never have any symptoms at all, so you can't be sure without the test. You need to know what you're dealing with.

I hope this answers some of your questions. And try to stop crying. Almost everyone has the same reaction when first diagnosed... shock, fear, anger. But it gets easier. You settle down and realize it's not the end of the world. It's a complication, but you can have a normal life with herpes. It's a virus, not a death sentence. It doesn't change who you are.

If you have been tested, and definitely have herpes, read everything you can on the subject. There's a wealth of info on the web. Forums such as this one, and there are others too, are also a good source of information and support. Knowing the facts and communicating with others dealing with the same problem will alleviate some of your fears and help you realize that you're not alone. It can happen to anyone, and it doesn't mean you're stupid, or promiscuous, or a bad person, so try not to be so hard on yourself.

Let us know how you're doing.

I contracted herpes as a wedding gift from my now ex-husband. He knew and never said anything for 3 years, until I finally suffered in silence long enough and was diagnosed, then he remembered he was told he "maybe" had it. UGH! Anyway, I felt just as you do, and thought who would ever want me. I have been married to my new hubby for 6 years now and we never have an issue with it. It was difficult to tell him, but I'm aware of the beginning symptoms and avoid contact for the duration of an attack(which happens rarely anymore). It is possible to move on, and it sounds as tho you may not have even contracted the virus. Best of luck to you!

thank you both so much for your reply.... I now feel that I am not completely all alone in this. as for answering your question... yes, I have been diagnosed with Herpes.. I am taking Valtrex. No, I have never had a cold sore, but I have had an outbreak ( type 2) I'm a sinlge girl now and met a guy about a week ago that is everything I have been looking for.. I'm frightened and do not want to lose him. I understand that honesty and just putting it out there is the way to go, but it is just not that easy! we have not had sex yet, but I am petrified to even bring the subject up.. maybe I should just stay to myself until I am brave enough to be able to speak to a potential partner about this........... I'm trying to cope.. I just feel like I'm losing my mind..

Honesty is a great virtue. I share your feelings. However, this is a very personal issue connected with a lot of social stigma that should be on a strictly need to know basis. I wouldn't tell anyone unless it got down to actually having sex with that person and not until it was right up to the actual minute. And maybe not even then. Maybe take every precaution available and just make sure they don't get it. After all, nobody bothered to tell me. I have a lot of anger with myself for allowing lonliness to fuel me into having trust and for having been sexually promiscuous with a diseased person who just used me. It was so stupid. But I'm certainly more educated now.

Sorry. I think it is completely irresponsible and wrong to suggest to anyone that they not tell a potential partner at all. Yes, it is need to know information - quote "NEED TO KNOW". Any sexual partner has the right to choose, and if it is the right partner they will understand. Being burned by others does not give us the right to choose for someone else - and protected sex is not 100% guaranteed. I strongly recommend that you tell any/all potential partners. I understand it's not easy, and you certainly need to choose your time. Don't do it right before you have sex, because they will likely need time to process the information. Have your facts straight, know what you're talking about, and they will be much more comfortable making the right choice for you both.

Just my opinion.

Well, you can strongly recommend telling any and all partners, but figure on the word getting around and you being the topic of Gossip Central depending on the community in which you reside. Figure also on investing valuable time in promising relationships that evaporate as soon as you open that Pandora's box. Because their idea of the "right choice" might be to get away from you before they get any more emotionally involved with this person who has an incurable disease. And Catharine101, you can come off as very responsible and moral, except that you are obviously advocating multiple sexual partners. Telling people doesn't stop the spread of the disease. Abstaining from casual sex and using protective measures stops the spread of the disease. And yes, it might not be 100% effective, but it's very close to 100% if you do the research and you know how to stop the viral replication. You build your immune system, you take your meds, you alter your diet, you slow down your lifestyle, you increase your hygiene, you change your sexual styles, and you too, can have safe sex without spreading the disease. And it is not necessary to inform your partner. Especially if it would be devastating to the relationship. After all, you have to live in this world too.

And it is not necessary to inform your partner. Especially if it would be devastating to the relationship. After all, you have to live in this world too.

Thats the most irresponsible thing I've ever read. How good would it be for the relationship if you didnt tell the person and they came down with it. Personally, that would be a deal breaker for me. I can accept it if someone tells me they have it. I could not accept it if they had it and lied about it, and yes, not telling them is a lie. If the person really likes you, it wont scare them away.

I understand that you're angry that you have it, but its not fair to take it out on other people by possibly spreading it to them.

I had a veneral wart removed 6 years ago and two docs have told me its nothing to worry about, but I still tell partners about it. I just think its the right thing to do.

Oceana -

You are obviously having issues dealing with this issue yourself. Perhaps as you are having such a difficult time coming to terms with this, you might consider some outside counselling if it is available to you. It is a difficult thing to deal with. Until you come to terms with this, and how it has affected you and others, it still VERY irresponsible to suggest to anyone that they should keep this a secret. Read the threads - at no time have I ever seen this recommended. Herpes will not make you a social outcast, and any worthwhile partner will accept you for who you are.

You are incorrect in thinking that I advocate anything, and what my morals are aren't the issue. But since you seem to want to know, I am 34 and have had 4 partners in my life. This totally isn't about how many people you sleep with. That comment is offensive to many of the people on this site!! There are many people who are virgins and have genital herpes, and others out there who have had many partners and don't have herpes.

You got hurt and burned. That's unfortunate. But it doesn't make it OK to recommend to others that we inflict this virus on them without their knowledge. I hope for your sake that you can come to terms with this - by yourself or with help - as soon as possible.

Oceana, Justme

I contracted the virus from someone who did not disclose this to me at anytime in our 7-year relationship. I would obviously bet that you contracted yours in much the same way, hence the anger. You now have a choice in becoming a better person or one who gives into their fears and anger.

HERE IS THE ULTIMATE QUESTION FOR YOU?

If you could rewind time - Would you have wanted to be given the choice? Your decision to continue or end the relationship is irrelevant but the actual choice is!
If you answer YES, then you would be a hypocrite if you kept the secret from a future partner. Because as much as we would like to believe (we can do everything under the sun to prevent spreading the virus to another) in the end it still is NOT a 100% guarantee.

Your kept secret makes you no better than the one who kept it from you. Do you really want to become that person? I personally will choose to stand with my head high and my heart full of peace knowing that I will and did do the right thing.

Just because you have the virus does not mean you are a bad person or that your life is over. I have been thru much worse in life and understand that life is full of obstacles to overcome. It’s not the obstacle that determines who we are but how we overcome, deal with and continue that let’s us decide whom and what type of person we are.

Please seek the help you need to get thru this process. Take the time to heal and accept yourself before adding any extra issues. One thing at a time, one day at a time - tackling this whole thing in one day, month or even year is way too much to deal with instantly.

I hope you can find away to believe in the good, enjoy life, have faith in GOD and learn to love who you are. Life is so much better this way.

My heart, love and support is extended to each and every one of you during this difficult time.

First of all, I am a widow, who was exeedingly happily married with children for many decades, and ripped horrifically from my soulmate. Talk about feeling like your life is over! So believe me, I, too, have been through much worse situations than just having this stupid little disease, which I contracted with the help of a little too much alcohol and lonliness. I have no one but myself to blame. But now I have an amazing relationship that is the world to me, with someone I have known all my life. However, he is a hard headed man, and if I confessed my sins, he would never speak to me again. I have been through enough heartbreak at this juncture and he would never understand. He would never touch me again. So maybe it seems exceedingly selfish of me to take the slim chance of infecting him, and I am going to do everything humanly possible to make sure that doesn't happen. But I'm not saying a word. And I firmly believe that it is the right decision, for me anyway.

Oceana -

You said it, the decision not to tell is right FOR YOU. That doesn't mean it's right for your partner or any future partner. Think beyond yourself

Enough said.

Oceana - I am terribly sorry for your loss. I have not been in your position so I know that I cannot completely understand but my heart does break for you. Each and every one of us is well worth being loved. This is a virus just like a cold anyone can catch it.

I hear the desperation for warmth and love that you are missing. Personally I think that coming to grips with our own fears is a necessary part of the recovery. If we cannot accept ourselves how can we expect someone else to accept us? My goal is to first come to grips with how I feel about myself, gather as much information as I can about this condition and then when I am comfortable in my own shoes I will move onto the next step.

Please don’t blame yourself you have done nothing wrong your experience is a very difficult one to deal with. Every single person in this world will have a moment or two that they regret – that’s the beauty of life.

I can see, just from the few words, that you are experiencing so many emotions combined together which seems to manifest ones fears. I am less than half way thru my journey of life and one of the things that my doctor said to me helped a lot. Surprisingly at my age according to the doctor 50% of the population would test positive for this virus. Have you considered asking him to get tested before things get to physical? You never know he might already have the virus or possibly something worse. Personally for self protection, I have come to the conclusion that turning a blind eye is not a wise move and will talk openly with all future partners including asking them to have lab work completed. I know not even this is 100% but at least it will show me that they are taking their health seriously and will be less likely to endanger themselves or me.

Communication, love, support and acceptance make the strongest relationships. Please don’t close off emotionally, if you do I think you will be heading for a brick wall in the future.

I know the choice is yours and wish you all the best whatever your decision. I can however plainly see that you are hurting horribly and think that possibly these emotions might be just as dangerous as alcohol and loneliness. Do you have anyone that you can talk with?

Warm supportive huggs are being sent your way.

Think I'll throw my 2 cents in here. :) About 20 years ago I was diagnosed with genital herpes. I was devastated (that doesn't even do it justice). I nearly had hysterics in the Dr's office. I had been married for about 3 years and tho't that I had gotten it from an unfaithful husband. Wrong. I was married before, to a husband who was unfaithful, and then I had more than 1 partner between marriages. I just didn't have any symptoms until later. After crying on a girlfriends shoulder, I got the courage to tell my husband. The Dr. also gave me a tape to have my husband listen to that expained about the virus. Thank the Lord, my husband loved me enough to not leave.
Do I wish that the person that gave it to me had warned me? You're darn tootin'. Then it would have been MY decision as to whether or not to continue the relationship. If you tell someone that you have the virus and they leave you, the relationship wasn't strong enough to begin with. I truly sympathize with Oceana - no one likes being lonely especially when you didn't ask to be single. But give the guy a chance to show you what he's made of. If he leaves, yes, it would hurt, but it is truly better than basing the relationship on a lie. What if even with all the "protection" he still contracts the virus? what will he do when he finds out you knew and didn't tell him? Isn't it better to be upfront & honest, now, rather than later?
My 2 cents. God bless.

Perhaps the point has been missed here by all. There are some people who cannot and will not accept the possibility of contracting an incurable virus. And there are other people who cannot and will not accept infidelity. Unfortunately, HSV2 is both a proof of infidelity and an incurable virus, albeit a mild one that can be dealt with. I have a deep, loving relationship with a man whom I have known for 30+ years, who will accept neither. This concept of "if he loves you, he will accept blah blah blah" is the brainchild of someone who has never known and loved a man who is not in touch with his feminine side, who is stubborn and unyielding, unforgiving and proud. Think Tony Soprano. You got it yet? There are lots of people like this in my life and I am surprised at posters' naivete. Perhaps it is due to the age difference. So, anytime I am ready to just throw the relationship out the window completely with no hope of ever speaking to this man again, I will tell him. And I would slit my wrists rather than do that. Now, if he comes up positive, I am going to go into complete denial, lie my butt off and accuse him of giving it to me. And try to navigate that storm. I have bailed this guy out of a thousand hells, saved his very life, gone into debt, and gone out on a limb for him, and I'm going to stick with him until he throws me out, lock, stock, and barrel and I'll go out kicking and screaming. Then I'll slit my wrists. Maybe you understand the virus, but you just don't understand real love for a real man. And some of us out there have it all; the disease, the love, and the Man. Nobody ever died of HSV2. Rarely does anyone get hospitalized. The symptoms are not earth shattering, although the disease is responsible for the coining of the phrase, Pain In The ***. And he'll live. I'll help him. And we'll live happily ever after.

Oceanus -

I owe you a huge apology. When I first read this post, I thought it was from you, and couldn't believe it was the same person writing!!

Oceana - we haven't missed the point. We are trying to get you to see the other side. I'm sorry that you seem blind about this, because you very well may end up hurting yourself and others in the future. I truly don't believe that any more posts about this are going to help - but I hope that you do consider what we've said.

And incidentally, HSV is not NOT proof of infidelity - people can carry the virus for years without showing a symptom. In your case, yes, for over 30 years. And NO, this isn't about age difference, it's about choice. You say that if he comes up positive you will lie to him and say you don't have it. That's not a relationship, that's living a lie, and then denying it when it comes up to bite you in the butt.

Implying that every poster on this site does not understand "real love for a real man" - that's insulting, to all partners out there, not just the men. A "real man" is not defined by whether or not he will accept a virus, or whether he's in touch with his feminine side. Never have I heard anything more insulting to my partner, who I consider a "real man" to use your terminology. He also eats quiche, loves me despite the fact that I have herpes, and never once accused me of cheating on him.

A. Incorrect. Nobody carries the virus asymptomatic for 30 years.
B. Incorrect. There is no such thing as spontaneous combustion. Neither does the virus appear out of nowhere. It is an STD.
C. Incorrect. In relationships, not revealing damaging truths is not always "living a lie." Sometimes it is protecting the relationship at the cost of some other aspect of life.
D. Apology. Not trying to insult men who are more gentle and understanding. You have one, glad for you. Just trying to paint a quick picture in a few words. Some get my drift. Others don't.
E. Agree to disagree. Walk a mile in my shoes, then tell me all about it.