Now that my 16 year old daughter is pretty much "stabilized' on her meds I am finding it difficult at times to differentiate BP behavior from "normal" teenage behavior (if there IS such a thing:D )

Okay....for instance, Erin was punished for sneaking out of the house meeting her boyfriend and roaming the neighborhood for the night. From what we gathered, she met another kid and the three of them drank some tequila which was supplied by the boyfriend, hung out by the pier talking and stuff and taking his bike into town and getting a donut at a convenience store about 2-3 miles away. This was over a 6-7 hour span. While I think this was rather impulsive on her part I pretty much am chalking it up to teenage behavior. (My brother pulled the same thing as a teen and took my parents car for a joyride picking up a few friends along the way.:eek:)

Well her punishment is not to see or speak to her boyfriend or friends for a month.....yes it's extreme but she has done the running away thing in the past and lied and deceived us as well as her big sister and we are tired of it. At the beginning of the summer we sat both girls down and told them that we have ZERO tolerance for lies and deceit....that we weren't going to put up with that in our home and if they did so that there would be a BIG consequence. We told them that they would have a month of no social life (seeing or talking to friends) and to weigh that very carefully if thinking about doing something stupid. And we wished them a happy & fun summer.

Well daughter #1 blew it by sneaking friends into our home without our permission (this was a third time she has done so in the past year) and daughter #2 did the same by sneaking out for a fun night of roaming the town with her BF.

Anyway....the first day Erin cried saying that we can't do this to her....that she has Major Depression and Bipolar and it is going to push her into a depression....I KNEW that she was using her diagnosis to try and play me to lighten up but I called her on it and she stopped.

Today she went into the dryer to get her work uniform and stated outloud...."Mom, you have to get dryer sheets because staticy clothes agitate me." I told her that she was probably agitated because she forgot to take her morning meds and it was 2pm.:rolleyes: She argued saying that wasn't the reason because she gets frustrated even when on her meds.

Okay......so I am wondering from BPers and parents of BPers....is it common for a teen BPer to use their diagnosis to excuse their teenage behavior??? BPers if you could look back to your teenage years, did you do this when you were a teen and moms do you have the same difficulty as I am in terms of differentiating between the two behaviors??

Just thought this would be something others here could help me out with.

Thanks ~ Goody:angel: :wave:

Goody alot of her antics are teenage things...but not all are so brazen..and she is bipolar right? its not pretty:D Im going to be honest with you about something, i tell you like it is because i like to be the same back..I think the punishment is harsh, its going to be extremely hard for you and your husband to follow thru with. and its going to get very frustrating for her..and shes probably going to rebel even more. I definitly think some form of punishment has to be enforced.. i have no ideas for you except telling her shes not allowed to drive..for a month. i have a feeling she might try to sneak out again..i think at her age i would, if i were punished for a month.:mad:

I love it when you tell it like it is....Goody already has things covered!!;) As in any sentencing there is getting off with good behavior...right??;)

I know my girls and yes what you say is true....they rebel if left with nothing to look forward to. Kait already got the okay for going on a trip to prepare her house with her friends next week for 3 days for good behavior. Erin is going to be allowed supervised phone calls beginning tomorrow (in the past she has made plans for others to meet up with her so I am not going to allow a way of that to happen) And on Saturday I will allow her permission to call AL since she has been doing so well.

I NEVER imposed such a punishment.....but we were clear about the consequences and my feeling is that if we give in too much the message won't be clear and part of the problem that we learned in family therapy was that hubby and I gave in too easily and imposed punishments that we couldn't live up to. But with all the carrying on with these girls we made it clear to them that we were tired of the lying and scheming whether it be BP or ADD or just willingful behavior on their part. So that is why we are doing our best to follow through. But we are very FAIR and realize that it is a harsh punishment but that Erin and Kait will certainly realize after this that there will be BIG consequences if they lie, scheme or deceive us.

Thanks for your honesty....Kait did ask if we would consider her going out tonight with friends...we told her that she has been very good about accepting her punishment but that we were already allowinf her to have 3 days next week with her friends. I took both girls out to the movies today making it look like I needed to get out knowing that they would enjoy the distraction as well. And then they both went out to shop at the outlets before Erin had to work.

How are things in sunny FL???:cool: Hope you're having a good time and getting lots of well needed relaxation. Hubby heads down next week to see his dad for his birthday who isn't doing so well in terms of health. He will be on the east coast.

Well got dinner to get together ~ Goody:angel: :wave:

Hi goody, its hot here . rain today. i am relaxing,sleeping late in the mornings..so its all good!:D Im glad things are working witht he girls..what movie did you see? im a movie person,i go with my friends all the time. I saw hairspary last week way too much singing for me..:( But i love travolta..even dressed like he was..

We saw "No Reservations" with Catherine Zeta-Jones...I saw it on my birthday and it was such a great movie that I took the girls to see it since there weren't any others that seemed like great chick-flicks!!:D I would highly recommend it.....it was funny and had a great message and also had some kleenex moments!! Bring your daughters to see it....I think that both of them will like it!! My girls gave it an 8/10....it's the type of movie you would like your kids to see instead of all this other crap. If you liked "In Her Shoes" or "Last Holiday" you will like this one too.:)

Kait is not doing well....the penalty is getting to her. She is getting stir crazy and the attitude is starting to come back. She went back to the outlets and is going to pick up Erin from work and the two of them plan on going go-carting and minature golfing together. At least they are having some sister time together....seems like Kait never spends time with Erin and it's a good thing for them to do. So some good is coming out of this afterall. Kait is off tomorrow so I may allow her a day out for good behavior!!;)

I don't want to set either of the girls up for failure so I may have to reevaluate the penalty issued. Perhaps I can be the GOOD cop for a change:D ....hubby always gets to play the GOOD cop!!;)

~ Goody aka Castle Warden:jester:

Goody it was one i definitly will see.. i saw and loved the other 2 you mentioned. i will see it maybe here in fla. I think while kait did a real bad thing you should probably have a sit-down and talk.. tell her honestly that you really arent too sure what to do with her..but that you are on to her and cant trust her. and tell her that is stinks that you cant trust her.Ask her what does she think you should do with her? between me and you, she is going back to school soon and go right back to all her sheninagans a.s.a.p. right???

Right!! I have done the sit down talk thing (that is if I can get Kait to sit down long enough to do so;) ) I have to catch her at a good time. Today I read her something I found on the ADD board written by somebody who became addicted to Adderall and the nightmare she lived through to get off of it. Kait listened....I told her that I believe in signs and that I had been praying for a way to get through to her how dangerous it is to use Adderall and that I believe the post was that answer to my prayers. And so I read it to her. She didn't offer any real response but the fact that she listened was a good sign. Usually she ends up walking away.

Thing is, we have sat down with Kait and come up with agreements and worked out compromises but she always changes her mind or ignores them if they stand in the way of her doing what she needs to do.

I have to say that these 2 weeks she has been really good....in the past she would have just left without thinking twice. This time she has tolerated it well....today she was honest and told us that she doesn't think that she can take it much longer. That is why we gave the okay for her to take Erin out....it is at least something that she can do. Tomorrow I think I will allow her to go out with her friends.....when she goes back to school she will not see very much of her home friends so I need to take that into consideration since there are only a few more weeks until her and her friends go back to their prospective colleges.

Thanks for all of the suggestions....I sooo appreciate it. Let me know how you like the movie. A great one for a rainy or very hot day!!:D

Love ~ Goody:angel: :wave:

Goody--
I am at the tail end of raising kids--Sara is the youngest, the oldest is 30....each kid was so different in terms of what they would attempt to do, what buttons they'd push, what boundaries they'd try to expand--in light of what you've been thru with both Kait & Erin in the past...I personally think the penalty fit the crime, so to speak. You promised them a big consequence and in spite of that, they both willingly and brazenly defied you...giving you no choice but to follow through. Truth is, it's as hard or harder on YOU to have to do that!!! I HATED grounding the kids, it was the worst punishment ever!!! Esp if involved grounding them from a particular friend...wow..don't get me started on that. But I learned over the years that they didn't respect me or my discipline if I said I'd do such and such and didn't follow through--my son actually lost his driving priviliges the very day he got his driver's license....for going places he'd not had permission to go. (He still brings that up and he's 28 years old!!) He's just lucky I couldn't find scissors or he'd have had it cut up, I was so furious. Yeah, I was defintiely BAD COP and hubby is GOOD COP and it stinks, but hey, I have four terrific kids who love me and one who kinda hates me, but I will continue to be tough as I have to be...and she will still toe the line, as long as we foot the bills and she lives here, she has to.
Erin's little jaunt the other night was partly teenage partying and a lot just really stupid behavior. The drinking when she's on meds and sneaking out was really dumb, even tho I think most of us did it,but, with her past, she really was asking for trouble. A good kid with no past incidents, you could kind of laugh it off--with her, you worry yourself sick, right? With our BP kids you don't "feel" like they are teenagers....I never did with Sara...it was like she was 40, but in a lot of ways, she acts about 12. Weird.
Hang in there!! Taking the girls out and letting them do stuff together is good for them and it's not going to kill them to learn that you mean it when you say you have a big consequence for a big mistake.
Hang in there!!
Liz

Goody,

I will jump in and give you my 2 cents. We used to ground for a month for serious offenses. I could never stick with it. Our first pdoc suggested a two week grounding for drugs or alcohol. We include no contact with friends, no cell phone or computer. Family activities, school, work and practices only. Two weeks is long enough to get the point across, but short enough to stick to. We never give time off for good behavior(they would badger me constantly),but will add time for bad behavior.

Hope the castle is calm today

Lor:)

I don't have any children, but I've been a nanny for 8 years and I have BP. Obviously I was once a teenager as well. Kids and especially people with BP get BORED very easily. I experimented with alcohol and drugs because I had nothing else to do. I knew it was wrong. I knew it could hurt me, and I definitely knew if I got caught I would be in BIG trouble with my parents.

My experience with kids has taught me that consistency is key. If you threaten a punishment, you need to follow through with it to the end. Your husband/kid's dad also needs to follow the same rules. I often see parents who don't follow through on their threats to punish(no matter how little the offense) and the kids have no respect for authority. Nobody wants to be the bad guy, but I think everyone wants their kids to grow up well. A teenager on BP meds obviously shouldn't be drinking tequela or any other alcohol. She could black out, be drugged, get assaulted, car accident, just to name a few. I have also found that you have to really "get them where it hurts" when you punish kids. It sounds mean, but what's the point in taking away something trivial. Make them volunteer in the community in addition to their grounding. Grounded kids are more likely to sneak out, etc. I sure did when I was a teenager. Good luck. I hope this helps a little.

Thanks Liz, Jen & Lor for your posts. Lor...I agree that the punishment is a bit severe....and believe me, we have been down the road of a week here or there for major stuff which somehow didn't get the point across. Over the past few years what my husband and I have endured is just unexplainable. Running away, taking off in cars because they had homework to complete or couldn't go over a boy's house when the parents weren't home. Underage drinking getting arrested and suspended from school. This year my 16 year old was suspended from school 3 times!!! Once for smoking weed before a volleyball game, a second time for intending on drinking Robutussin stored in another girl's locker which was stolen from a store by a girl who she accompanied and the third time for taking an Ipod stored in the principal's office drawer when he stepped out of the room and using it for a week before turning it back in. So a week's penalty obviously didn't get the message across. Granted these all seemed to occur with impending hypomania during a seasonal change but still, BP or not, there are consequences to be taken.

So.....that's where a month came into play. We are making the girls do weeding and household duties balanced with an outing here or there to help with the food shopping or to take in a movie. It's been two weeks for one and almost a week for the other. I am going to begin to make allowances for good behavior, I certainly do not want to make it a situation where as you point out we are giving in on the punishment....but there is room to reevaluate and this is the first time we issued a month or even more than a week so tonight we will allow our older daughter a night out with her friends since she hasn't been out in two weeks. And our younger daughter will be able to make a phone call to one of her friends and be able to talk to her boyfriend once a day by phone supervised after a week which is Saturday.

This isn't easy but it actually is going better than I thought. Yesterday was the first time my oldest complained....it's been two weeks and I think that the message has been understood and that to hold her down for another two weeks will only be counterproductive at this point.

Thanks for the support.

Love ~ Goody:angel: :wave: