As each day goes by and I feel more depressed I realize how living with an unmedicated bp has affected me. I am remembering the abuse and doubting myself for putting up with it for so long. I want to remember good memories but most were spoiled by his rage over something. I keep asking myself why did I love him so much when this man hurt me over and over. I ask myself why didnt he get help if he really wanted a marriage? I know he was very sick but somewhere at some moment couldnt he see he needed help? Why does a man take drugs and he wont take meds from a doctor that will help him. I know he is gone and I need to put all this to rest but my tdoc said it is something I need to work through by talking about it. I told him I needed to see some gentleness from him and not always the rage and anger yet it still came over and over. This is just so hard to be left with all this to sort out and stop doubting what I did. I know now I should of left when the violence started instead of trying to fix it or hope he would get help. This has done a number on me that I am seeing now that he is gone. When you live with being called names and walking on eggshells all the time it does something to you and you often do not realize it until you are away from it or you lose it yourself by having bad health. I can remember so many times he would rage at me and then after I would turn on tv like nothing had happened. I was just numb and felt nothing of the things I should of felt. I feel sad that I told John not long before he died that the marriage had sucked me dry. I had no more to give. No one should live that way. When a relationship takes who you are away from you it is way past time to get out. I am so depressed now that I can understand the depression a bp feels.

As each day goes by and I feel more depressed I realize how living with an unmedicated bp has affected me. I am remembering the abuse and doubting myself for putting up with it for so long. I want to remember good memories but most were spoiled by his rage over something. I keep asking myself why did I love him so much when this man hurt me over and over. I ask myself why didnt he get help if he really wanted a marriage? I know he was very sick but somewhere at some moment couldnt he see he needed help? Why does a man take drugs and he wont take meds from a doctor that will help him. I know he is gone and I need to put all this to rest but my tdoc said it is something I need to work through by talking about it. I told him I needed to see some gentleness from him and not always the rage and anger yet it still came over and over. This is just so hard to be left with all this to sort out and stop doubting what I did. I know now I should of left when the violence started instead of trying to fix it or hope he would get help. This has done a number on me that I am seeing now that he is gone. When you live with being called names and walking on eggshells all the time it does something to you and you often do not realize it until you are away from it or you lose it yourself by having bad health. I can remember so many times he would rage at me and then after I would turn on tv like nothing had happened. I was just numb and felt nothing of the things I should of felt. I feel sad that I told John not long before he died that the marriage had sucked me dry. I had no more to give. No one should live that way. When a relationship takes who you are away from you it is way past time to get out. I am so depressed now that I can understand the depression a bp feels.

I feel for you, I feel for those that love the BP. I've come to the conclusion that the unipolar living with the unmedicated BP has no chance of a healthy life, none. I, for over forty years of my life, had always thought their were always options. As I, you were stuck between a rock and a hard place.
God loves you, if you answer when he knocks he will move mountains. Blessed, are the grieving, they will find comfort; just answer the knock. He will put you in the right place at the right time so many times you will not be able to pass it off as coincidence. Give him a chance and he will heal your heart. Compassionate hearts such as yours are known.

Marsh,

(((Hugs))) There are some times more questions then answers. Sometimes there are more tears then perhaps hugs. Sometimes it is all the above and more that we may not have words for. I know that I don't have the words for perhaps what you are asking or seeking or even that which perhaps you cannot name just yet. I do know in time with much strength from yourself and those that you love the perspective will change. I only say that from a daughter stand point over a father who is gone now. I loved him very much and know he loved me. Yet, there are days I wish so much more and wish most of all he were here to ask those questions of. He's not and I can't change that not now at any rate. He was a silent man in one set of mind always doing the right thing, the proper father thing, but never living for himself. I think that in the end he saw this and it made it worse. It left us with a feeling of if only...something I hope never to leave those who love me and that I love in return. Work through the pain, grieve, and keep talking. It takes time and there is no limit to the grief one feels and how you feel it. There is no easy or wrong way to feel it. There are reasons why you are going over the things that you are. Just don't let yourself drown in it either. It will pull you in like quicksand and leave you gasping for air. You've got this board and those who are here. We care, we listen, and we are here.

Deb

Jon and Emerald, thank you so much for your kind words. It helps when someone understands your feelings. I appreciate it very much.

dear marshmallow,
i think i can relate to ur feelings of numbness and sadness. Its hard sometimes knowing the right thing to do in a situation involving people you love. remember that you are strong, don't let this pain pull you down, don't let it break you. I'm sure that soon you will find a light at the end of what now must seem like an endless tunnel, but it will come, i promise you.
I wish you all the happiness, luck and love in the world
Faerie x

Thank you faerie your words are kind. Jon wrote that blessed are the grieving for they shell be comforted! I am waiting for that comfort for above.

Thank you Caz, I appreciate your reply and know you understand living with someone not medicated. I did suffer for my husbands pain. Every night I worried about him and what he was doing. I cried knowing he was having such a hard time in life yet we could not be together because of his behavior. Someone said to me yesterday that I must not of loved him if we were not living together and that hurt because I never stopped loving him. I knew inside he loved me and the illness was causing him to behave in a way that was not loving. He could not see he needed help.

Dear Marsh, ;)

It took time for you to feel the way you do right now, and it will take time to pull yourself out of it. Reach out and embrace all the help and support that is there for you. Do WHATEVER you have to to get thru this period of time.

I feel so badly for you, I can really feel your pain when you write, it shows me that you were beaten down for so long. Maybe it would help to put the 'bad' out of your mind as much as possible, and focus on whatever good there was in the relationship, when things were good, when your husband was well. I know this is very hard because I think that those times were few and far between from what you have shared, especially in the last many yrs. But, nevertheless, there was a time when you two met and fell in love and shared good times.

Marsh, he just wasn't well. He had a devastating illness that distorts thoughtsand emotion and behaviour and everything he directed at you was as if it were coming out backwards. It really had nothing to do with his feelings of love for you. BUT I know it feels that way. What I compare this to is when my husband was first going thru severe mania, Marsh - I was convinced that he did not love me anymore. This was based upon his behaviour and words, but I just couldn't believe it. I prayed so hard, knowing that something was very wrong, knowing that I couldn't stay with him like that, wondering if I would have to leave this man I so loved and if I would become a single mother. As you did, I was trying to do everything to help him, while taking the horrid behaviour and trying to get thru it. That was what he was like as an unmedicated, undiagnosed BP. It was only in therapy and after many medications that my husband finally explained to me that his feelings NEVER CHANGED. But how would we ever know that? How do you see that when they are behaving so badly? Your husband, for whatever ridiculous reason, chose not to medicate himself. This brought you to an impossible situation. One of my BIGGEST fears is that my husband one day goes off his meds. I'm hoping he'll stuff himself with enough therapy and feel well enough that he won't do that, but it's still one of my biggest fears because I truly know what he is like when he is not 'himself'.

Your husband was not himself when he passed away. But he reached inside of himself to his innermost feelings when he texted you 'I LOVE YOU' in his last moments of life. That is how he really felt, inside of all the chaos. Try to take comfort in this. There was another plan for your husband, Marsh. But you are still here, yes left to deal with all of the pain and confusion, but over time you will find a place of peace, of understanding, of acceptance. And when that happens, it will be wonderful, and you will be granted a FRESH START. I'm not saying to forget your husband or snap your fingers and forget the pain, take the time you need and then put him in a special place in your heart forever, this man that you so completely loved. Marsh, you deserve healthy love and you deserve happiness. Go get it!

Try to 'Let go, and Let God'.......

Hope this helps, at least a little.

Love,
4
:angel:

Thank you Caz, I appreciate your reply and know you understand living with someone not medicated. I did suffer for my husbands pain. Every night I worried about him and what he was doing. I cried knowing he was having such a hard time in life yet we could not be together because of his behavior. Someone said to me yesterday that I must not of loved him if we were not living together and that hurt because I never stopped loving him. I knew inside he loved me and the illness was causing him to behave in a way that was not loving. He could not see he needed help.


marshmallow - a friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend and he made a comment that I will always remember, when I asked him if he loved her he said....."Yes I love her, but not to the point of self-destruction"
you need to remember that and maybe even use that phrase yourself when someone questions you......

Oh, 4 it hurts so much.

I know, Marsh. You are in my prayers, and you will be OK. You are not alone.

Love,
4

Hi,

I don't know you, but read the posts, and I just wanted to say I am sorry this happened to you.

I have had many occasions for grief, and I finally learned (for me, that is) that I am best off giving in to it, accepting it fully, and telling myself that this is what I am living with at the moment. I used to try to make it better.
It will run its course and hurt less, in time. Allow yourself to grieve, get comfort and support wherever you can, and please be very gentle with yourself.

Loving someone with a major psychiatric illness is devastating, but that doesn't make the loss any easier.

Blessings to you.

Seaturtle, thank you for your kind words. I learn from everyones posts.

I know I am new here, but I just wanted to offer my sympathies. I was in a relationship with someone who had anti social personality disorder and thought that if I loved and supported him enough, then he would get help. It never worked that way. With him the abuse became worse over time and he took up cocaine usage to go with his drinking. With my Bipolar Disorder and my Borderline, it was extremely hard for me to say enough is enough and leave. But sometimes you have to love yourself more than you do them. In retrospect, I cannot believe I put myself physically and mentally in the line of danger for so long. Just know that you cannot fix, heal or change anyone. It is something they have to do. If they chose not to seek help, then you have done all you can by loving them and encouraging them. You are a great person for caring so long. Keep up the support groups, it always helps to see that you are not alone.

Thank you Vanessa, I hope your doing better now and finding some peace. Sometimes it is hard to realize you cannot help another person if they dont want help. It took me so long to know that in my head but my heart still kept trying. It hurts a lot to know I no longer have any hope or change of his changing.

You're welcome Marsh. I actually went from one relationship like that to a worse one and spent the total of 5 years wasting time and energy. My therapist and family keep telling me how lucky I am to have gotten out alive because both men were extremely sadistic and controlling yet I thought I could change them. It took me a long time but I finally realized I deserved better. I still have self-esteem issues but I will never allow myself to fool myself into thinking I deserve that and that if I love someone enough, it will change them. Just remember you did all you could and that you are a good person for loving that much, but you are also wise for knowing when to say enough is enough.

Vanessa, thank you what you said realizing when enough is enough is something my therapist said to me. It took me way too long but I finally did realize it.