Anyone as sick of this **** as I?

The "p-doc" is open for business! (for those old enough to rememeber "Lucy" with her fee of 5 cents!).

Todays question is...

So, what do you hate most about our lovely diagnosis?

I recall that cartoon. The item i hate the most is the lack of (Blank) in our marriage.

Anyone as sick of this **** as I?

The "p-doc" is open for business! (for those old enough to rememeber "Lucy" with her fee of 5 cents!).

Todays question is...

So, what do you hate most about our lovely diagnosis?

Do you find that most BP'1's ,when in an episode, are incapable of love?

Jon,

I find in reference to your question that even in an episode I am capable of very deep love for others. Though as always that is my thing not always everyone else's.

Deb ;)


Let's Lucy for five cents what do I hate about being BP? Well there are quite a few things really I hate the facade the illness blinds us with in regards to what is really going on in life. Like having a perpetual roses colored glasses on though they are not always so. I hate the fact that I very seldom know exactly what I should do even when at times I do. That probably makes little sense but in a way to me it does. I hate that I get this "great" ideas and then they are taken away sort of like the cookie someone hands you then grabs it back. I hate well pretty much the whole shabang cept for the creative part I enjoy though less and less these days.

Deb

I'm so CAPABLE of love..... That is my thing, I love hard but fight even harder...

The worst part is RAPID CYCLING... I don't like it when I can't think straight, this leads into so many other issues in regards to BP... If i can't think straight by whole day is pretty much a waste...

The fact that I can't hold on to relationships. Someone has to REALLY love you to stay with you when you have bp. My family and close friends have been great, but my romantic relationships have always been rocky. Soon after I become depressed, they can't take it and they leave. I've always said that I won't marry a man until he has seen me depressed and manic. If he can handle me then, I will believe he won't leave me.

AS the mom of a BP--I hate the fact that BP has robbed me of my daughter--I do not know the person who lives here and hates me and yells at me and yet somedays is so kind. I hate that she gets manic and sleeps around, that she eats constantly & has gained so much weight she is a mockery of her once beautiful self I hate that she DEMANDS that I respect her--will stand in my face and scream at me that I RESPECT HER!!!!:mad: as I calmly state that respect is earned, not demanded--I hate the slammed doors, the broken promises, the overdrawn bank accounts, the empty bottles of alcohol rolling around her car when she KNOWS there's a "no open container" law in our state...the $500 bill we still owe on her last "I swear I was just kidding, mom" hospital committment stay for a suicide threat... I HATE THAT SHE BLAMES ME FOR EVERYTHING!!!!!!! I hate the way my guts chrun whe I heat her car pull up in the evening, anticipating what kind of mood she'll be in......I hate that she can make me cry so hard and hurt so bad. I hate that she doesn't even care.

Wow. that only cost me 5 Cents. Cheap at twice the price.
Liz

I have schizoaffective bipolar type and hate the symptoms that have robbed me of my personality. I used to find humor in almost everything, but now I feel "flat" on meds and can't seem to laugh no matter how much I want to. I hate the fear this disorder put into my family's eyes when they saw me turn into a person they didn't recognize. I hate the awful auditory hallucinations and delusions this disorder caused me to experience -- I still can't stop thinking about them a year later because they were so frightening. I hate the uncertainty of this disease. Will I continue to remain stable or will I experience another manic episode, more auditory hallucinations and/or delusions?

Thanks, Lucy. I feel better now. That .05 was well spent. :)

neon_dreamer

I'm sorry your daughter treats you like that Liz. Just remember she does love you.

I am not BP, but my husband is.
I feel like I have no right to even vent about what I dislike, but Im going to anyways.........

I hate the fact that someone you love so much - that is supposed to be the one that loves you back, can be so mean.
I hate the fact that my entire life has literally fallen apart, due to me thinking I could fix something that is 100% out of my controll.

I hate the way my heart ACHES. Have you ever had your heart physically ACHE? Well, Ive always heard the experssion, but had never really known what it meant. I do now, after trying so hard to help my BP Husband, who I love to the deepest part of my heart / soul.

I hate how my husbands seemingly 'selfish' behavior has torn me / our marriage / our family together with 2 children to shreds.

I hate the UGLY TERRIBLE AWEFUL words I hear - spoken by the one that is supposed to love me. While 30 min later, he can say he has no recollection of speaking these words what - so - ever.

I hate how he sees NO FAULT in anything he does, while everyone else around him is in utter shock.

I hate how my husband dang near had me convinced I was absolutley insane, while he was 100% fine.

I hate how my husbands BP effect / behaviors have made me the most bitter person on the planet.

I hate the fact that my husband cheated on me numerous times, yet the PDocs, support forums / etc all say, Oh well, he is Bi-Polar; He cant 'help it'

I hate how I know in the back of my mind these things will never truly go away. They will happen again. Maybe not as often or to such a severe degree, but the BP behaviors/ tendencies will continue to happen, even if properly medicated.

I hate how my husband has tried to convince me he is not lie-ing / decieving / and how he twists things and trys to place blame on anyone and everyone he can to avoid fault at all costs.

I hate how lst Thursday at lunch, my husband told me he wouldve married ANYONE that wouldve married him back. I hate how he told me he does NOT love me as a husband should love a wife. I hate how he told me, he thinks he is ABLE to, it will just take some time, as it will be a learning process for him.

I hate how he told me he is not sure if he sees me more as a room mate, or a wife.
I HATE how the very next day he totally deined to the ends of the earth this conversation ever even took place. Then how 30 minutes later, he is bawling like a baby shouting: I DONT KNOW WHY I DONT LOVE YOU! I KNOW I SHOULD, BUT I DO NOT KNOW HOW! Then, once again, after the tears have dried, he claims to have not ever said that as well.

I hate being on the rollercoaster with my husband 24/7 and unable to find the seatbelt.
All I am trying to do is help, and Im not sure I can.

I cannot tell my heart WHO to love.
Ive tried, and have yet to convince it otherwise.

Im tired of being pooped on, and shown no love or respect, and having the one person I love most dearly, who is the only person who holds a spot in my heart, be so destructive, and tell me its all MY fault, that I am making it all up.

I HATE being so emotionally defeated. I hate being so bitter.

I hate being so TIRED.
I hate seeing no hope, and I hate feeling so helpless.


Sorry if I offended anyone.

I'm not BP, my boyfriend is BP1. He has never shouted or raised his voice, said nasty things or even had a go at me, which from reading some of your stories, I guess i am lucky, but I do get alot of the silent treatment which I really find so hard to deal with!

I hate the blindness it causes that he cannot see how much I care for him and the hurt I feel when he lets me down.

I hate the feeling of walking on eggshells and not being able to tell him sometimes how his actions are affecting us in fear of upsetting him and causing him more stress and making him feel bad.

I hate the embarressment when a friend asks if he has called me, like he said he was going to, or when the next time we are going to see eachother and I have no idea, all he says is soon.

I hate the fact that sometimes he can be the most sweetest person then the next he can be so distant and the complete silence from him when he is feeling bad, with not so much as a text to let me know he is ok.

I'm tired of keep telling him about how much I care for him, that I will be there for him no matter what, only to be ignored and given the silent treatment yet again. I just want to help!

I'm tired of being the one to keep the contact going, trying to stay positive, strong and supportive when I get very little in return. He does say sorry occassionally and that he cares and that i'm special, which keeps me going but then it's not long before it all starts again and I can feel him going quiet again. I just wish he would communicate more so I can understand better and not feel like i am nagging!

Tired of the lack of support from him when i'm having a rough time! How can i go to him when he is dealing with so much himself? I often feel very lonely and keep it inside!

I hate the terrible guilt I feel when I've had a go after he has done something that has pissed me off, then I doubt myself about him being the person I think he is and the only reason I can come up with is that he just doesn't care! I doubt if he's being honest and telling me the truth as he tells me he is, it just leaves me so confused and frustrated, then the guilt sets in as I think of what it must be like to live with BP!

I appologise if I have upset anyone, I don't think I will ever be able to fully understand what it is like to have BP as I don't have it, but it can be just as hard for us non-BP's to deal with this as those who have it. It does help to vent sometimes and to know that there are others going through the same and we are not alone!

wend x

What do I hate about my diagnosis... NOBODY GETS IT, NOT EVEN ME!!!!

- for years it went undiagnosed & I was told by many docs I was making up symptoms, or that they'll only give me prozac, lost jobs, lost friends, rocky relationship w/ my family, etc.

- that my work has ZERO understanding as to how hard it has been going off SSRI's and starting new medication. My boss tells me, "it's just depression, tell your doctor to triple your dose of whatever you're on.", "Just go on Buspar that worked for me." and "We care about you, we know you're having a rough time, but we're an office and you have 2 weeks to straighten up or you're fired!" All of which I wanted to respond by kicking her teeth in. I want to tell her it might not be a good idea to condecend to a bp!!!

- My friends have abandoned me... they can't stand how I behave, how the medication makes me sluggish, how they have no idea who I'll be that day, how p'o'd I get at nothing, etc.

- My family ignores the problem, like they always have. Or blame me for not being normal. Never mind now I've researched more into bp, BOTH my parents and sister probably have some form of it!

- How much I've lost myself. I'm not me, I can feel that I'm not me. I don't know if I'll ever find her again! Medication hasn't worked in the past. I'm at such a self=hating place where I have to blame myself for everything and am convinced that my existence is just plain wrong.

- How I lost the greatest guy I've ever met b/c I couldn't hold myself together and he couldn't wait for me to get it together. Just got an invitation to his wedding. Bummer. Will I ever be normal enough to have a good relationship, start a family??

-Not knowing what the future hold, nor being able to plan for anything is the worst. I hate existing, the day to day struggle is driving me nuts. I want to accomplish so much, but feel so limited in my abilities to do so.

MKalwarf--this is for you.
Myheart is aching and I have tears running down my face as I type this. My husband is not bipolar, but my daughter is,,as you no doubt read. While definltely a very different dynamic, a very similar set of emotions---you alone are trying to make a go of an untenablke situation--no matter what you do, it isn't right, is it?? And you keep thinking, "If only I do this, or this, it will be ok---" and it never is. I know the feeling you describe of your heart, your physical heart hurting..I have been having heart pain, not heart attacks, but heart pain--which is most likely just stress---but my heart hurts. I just got back from a short retreat to my sisters cabin and I totally destressed--but as I was driving home I felt the band of tension begin to crawl up my neck and back..slowly and painfully until by the time I was home again I was fully aware of the excruciating tightness of my neck and shoulders. I live with this tension 24/7--and I was not even aware of it until I had left the house for a day or so and it had gone---No matter what I do or how I handle my daughter, she can do this to me. I cannot imagine if this was my husband--well, I can imagine, I would be long since divorced, I would not put up with the treamtment i get from my daughter from my hubby. NO WAY. I would NOT put my kids through the misery of life with a BP dad--having a younger sister has been hard enough--and none of them even live here!! You must be amazing and my heart goes out to you.
Vent away and I hope you can find peace, somewhere, somehow.
(((((Liz))))))

Wow Liz-

Talk about tears welling up as I read your entry to me........
You say I must have an amazing heart?!?

I do not feel as if I do have an amazing or kind heart.........IF I did (In my mind) I WOULDNT have this bitterness and all these doubts...........I WOULD be able to be MORE UNDERSTANDING of my husbands behaviors, I WOULDNT be so MAD MAD MAD / Heartbroken..............
I assume, just by reading the posts in this forum, that these emotions I have often, are normal human emotions...
But then I think:"He is my husband; Iam to stick by his side, thru thick AND thin."
Although Im not so sure this is something I will be able to do........THEN I feel even worse, sitting here thinking, maybe I cant?

Thanks for your reply, as I often feel SO MUCH GUILT even being on this forum, and thinking I have the right to 'vent' / seek comfort on this board to convince myself I am not alone in this.

I am NOT the one who suffers with and thru this very very complicated disorder every second of my life. I cannot even sit here and TRY to pretend I have even an inkling of a clue what someone who DOES have Bi-Polar goes thru on a daily basis. However hard I do try to wrap my brain around even a portion of this disorder, in hopes of gaining better insight into my husbands disorder.

;-(

Thanks so much for your reply though. I appericiate the fact that you were willing to take time out of your life, to touch base with me, and let me know I am NOT alone........

Mary

Mary,
(Much easier to write than your screen name)
You have a right to feel what you feel and don't be ashamed of it. Sometimes I even hate my daughter--not her the person but her the BiPolar who has taken away my daughter. I walked in her bedroom the other day and it was in such utter chaos, I cannot begin to understand how she could live in the mess of clothes, books, junk--and I went and got my camera and took a picture of it--showed my hubby (who does not "engage" in talking about Sara and her illness) and said "THIS is what a bipolar's brain must feel like"....and I showed it to her and she quietly said "yeah, it does, a lot of the time".
Guilt (sigh) don't get me started! How can a MOTHER feel guilty when she actually leaves the house so she doesn't even have to chance running into her own child--just can't bear the thought of one more possible fight in which I will be cast as villain? I know guilt---shame, fear, hate, depression, pain, I think everyone on this site knows these feelings as we struggle to come to terms with the illness that can't be seen but affects out lives just as deeply as it affects the lives of our loved ones.
Is your hubby on medication? You didn't say, or I don't remember. Properly medicated, BPs are pretty much ok, esp if they accept and try to work with the disease. My daughter is actually (fingers crossed & knock on wood) doing ok right now. Hopefully the meds she's on right now are the right ones. She has a long, long way to go before she can be independent, which is what she totally craves, but we're still at the baby steps stage. But first, medication and acceptance. Therapy is also a must. Check out the NAMI nearest you, they have programs for BP's and also for families of BP's. I am going to start going to a support group for parents of children/young adults with it. I don't think my hubby will go, but since Sara's biggest issues seem to be with me, I am going to forge ahead. One of the things I am sure they'll teach us is how to handle our own feelings in healthy manner--which I know I don't.
Go ahead and come here to vent. You will not say anything that has not been thought or said before!
((((LIZ))))

Mary--
Well, the good news is, the addition of the Lithium and Seroquel you may very well likely see a change coming. Those two drugs were the exact ones that "woke up" my daughter--after trying just about every Bp med on the planet. I just looked at her pdoc one day and said "Why don't we just give good old cheap Lithium a try??" He didn't see why not, so off we went. Miracle of miracles, that, combined with Prozac, really did help her. His doc may have to up the meds as his blood levels will indicate if he is on a sufficient dosage or not...at least of the Lithium.
I am glad you get help for yourself. It is impossible to live with someone who puts you down and places the blame for everything on you. This is abuse, plain and simple. Whether your hubby is sick or not, it's still abuse. Do you have somewhere you can go to get away from him for a few days?? Not to "leave him" but to take a break from him. Certainly his therapist does not approve nor condone his verbal abuse of you---again, sick or not, there are boundaries that have to be respected. With my daughter, she will come to me and try to start a "fight"--just wants to engage me in some type of verbal disagreement. I will tell her "I will not engage in this discussion" She persists. I state again that I won't. If she persists beyond what I can endure, I walk (or drive ) away. When she is manic, there is NO point in talking to her, none at all. If I had kids, and it was my hubby I'd put the kids in the car and leave. I guess I have had to learn the hard way and cried a ton of tears along the way and it ain't over yet....it sounds like you are truly doing everything within your power to make this marriage work, and are wondering if it is worth it---that, my friend, I cannot answer for you. I will pray for you--for peace and a clear mind.
Take care-ok?
(((Big hugs))))
Liz

As a mom of a bipolar teenager, whom after years and years of tears and suffering lives today a healthy, happy and fulfilled life I can tell you that in order for a bipolar person to get well he or she must first of all have a caretaker and advocate that loves them unconditionally. The road to recovery does not start with the bipolar person; it starts with the non-bipolar person.

Part of the illness is the cruel insults, verbal abuse, temper tantrums, holes in the walls, etc., etc. I am sure you are fully aware of them. What you need to do is first of all understand that he/she does not mean what he/she says. You have to detach yourself from the words and take them for what they are worth…absolutely nothing. You must remember that this person is not attacking you personally; it is the illness that is causing it, especially in the early onset.

So when your loved one goes into a verbal rampage, don’t walk away from them; that is the worst thing you can do, you are sending the message that you may bail out on them at any time and one thing bipolar people need is immense amount of love and security and to know that they are not alone. On the contrary, be objective, back off and let them vent, don’t take their words literally and when they are done…hug them and tell them that you love them and that you are there for them and that no matter what happens you will always be there for them.

Nobody says it is fair, this illness is not fair…but we were dealt this card and we must be strong ourselves. Remember, the path to success starts with us, not with them.

Rose, you remind me of my mom. Your response made me cry a bit. You are so right though. My mom took the same approach with me as what you just said. She was the first person to diagnose me really. She knew something wasn't right with me and kept looking until she found something that sounded like me. She was right, years later when she finally got me to seek counseling that was my primary diagnosis. Had she not been so patient, understanding and loving, I would have never gotten help and probably wouldn't be here to this day. I always knew I had someone there in my corner when I was ready. But waiting is the hard part, nobody can make you get help until you are ready for it. So, bless the people who have the patience and heart to wait.

Vanessa I am so happy for you and thank your mom every single day...from personal experience I can tell you, it is a tough and lonely job. The sad part about this illness is that so few people understand it; to be honest unless you are entrusted in this situation, you really do not have a clue. It took me 7 years from the time I knew there was something wrong with my kid until I even heard the word bipolar disorder.

I am happy you are ok now, this proves that with the proper care, medication, perseverance and immense amount of love and patience, this illness can be fully controlled and you guys can live a normal life; but there is no doubt that having a loving, caring person with you in the process can make a big difference in the recovery process.

Rose--
I hear what you are saying, and I want to agree with you--but with my daughter, to stand there and have her scream at me, pour filthy words at me all the while DEMANDING that I respect her and treat her like an adult---to suffer repeatedly the complete and utter disdain she heaps upon me for all my beliefs and practically spits in my face when I tell her I love her..blames me for everything that goes wrong in her life, when obviously I am not the source of any of it, it IS THE ILLNESS....I was counseled by her therapist & pdoc to tell her in a calm & quiet voice that her I love her & walk away from this kind of conflict. I'm not abandoning her & she knows it. BUT she needs to learn (and for crying out loud she's nearly 21!) she simply cannot treat people this way--.Engaging in conversation where she wants to do battle only escalates and gives credibility to her manic thinking. There's a time when you have to know when to simply offer your love and leave. After all, I have feelings too, and a right to be at peace. I'm torn between totally agreeing with you and knowing that I, too have rights and feelings that have been bruised and torn. They may just be "words" but, oh they sting just as if she had thrown a rock at me, or cut me with glass. Trust me, this kid KNOWS her mom is the first person there for her, no matter what. I walk away from conflict to save my sanity and she knows it--I am not abandoning her, I am saving her from my own temper. I have seen too many people totally destroyed by the words and actions of the BP people in their lives whose words & actions rip them up...unconditional love or no, we have a right to feel happy & safe in our own homes too.

Liz:

I suggest you read this book, it truly and honestly changed my life:

"The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children" by Ross W. Greene.

Best of luck.

As a mom of a bipolar teenager, whom after years and years of tears and suffering lives today a healthy, happy and fulfilled life I can tell you that in order for a bipolar person to get well he or she must first of all have a caretaker and advocate that loves them unconditionally. The road to recovery does not start with the bipolar person; it starts with the non-bipolar person.

Part of the illness is the cruel insults, verbal abuse, temper tantrums, holes in the walls, etc., etc. I am sure you are fully aware of them. What you need to do is first of all understand that he/she does not mean what he/she says. You have to detach yourself from the words and take them for what they are worth…absolutely nothing. You must remember that this person is not attacking you personally; it is the illness that is causing it, especially in the early onset.

So when your loved one goes into a verbal rampage, don’t walk away from them; that is the worst thing you can do, you are sending the message that you may bail out on them at any time and one thing bipolar people need is immense amount of love and security and to know that they are not alone. On the contrary, be objective, back off and let them vent, don’t take their words literally and when they are done…hug them and tell them that you love them and that you are there for them and that no matter what happens you will always be there for them.

Nobody says it is fair, this illness is not fair…but we were dealt this card and we must be strong ourselves. Remember, the path to success starts with us, not with them.

As a mom of a bipolar teenager, whom after years and years of tears and suffering lives today a healthy, happy and fulfilled life I can tell you that in order for a bipolar person to get well he or she must first of all have a caretaker and advocate that loves them unconditionally. The road to recovery does not start with the bipolar person; it starts with the non-bipolar person.

Part of the illness is the cruel insults, verbal abuse, temper tantrums, holes in the walls, etc., etc. I am sure you are fully aware of them. What you need to do is first of all understand that he/she does not mean what he/she says. You have to detach yourself from the words and take them for what they are worth…absolutely nothing. You must remember that this person is not attacking you personally; it is the illness that is causing it, especially in the early onset.

So when your loved one goes into a verbal rampage, don’t walk away from them; that is the worst thing you can do, you are sending the message that you may bail out on them at any time and one thing bipolar people need is immense amount of love and security and to know that they are not alone. On the contrary, be objective, back off and let them vent, don’t take their words literally and when they are done…hug them and tell them that you love them and that you are there for them and that no matter what happens you will always be there for them.

Nobody says it is fair, this illness is not fair…but we were dealt this card and we must be strong ourselves. Remember, the path to success starts with us, not with them.

Rose what you said above may sound good to most people but I do not agree with a lot of it. I beleive in unconditional love but I do not agree with just saying oh its the illness not really meant to hurt me. Or similar. When a women is confronted by a 6ft over 200 lb man raging in her face, putting holes in walls, spitting on her and the other stuff you mentioned it is pretty hard to say come here honey and give him a big hug. To me that is ludicrious. I was told by tdocs, pdocs, police, clergy and many others it is not right to live that way and no one should have to. Maybe with a child it is different but with a spouse you cannot just take what is dished out sometimes. AND I loved my husband with all my being.

Marsh--
I know you are still hurting--I hope someday you can lay down that weary load and rest---(Hugs)

Rose-
Perhaps I will read that book--but in the end, I think I do know how it's best to treat my own child. We are far past the "early onset" and the tantrums and suicide threats, etc. She is properly medicated, is in therapy, works full time and is going to college. Why in the world should I put up with a nearly 21 y.o. WOMAN coming up to me and picking a fight and screaming at me? I have been thru the teenage years route with the improper dx , the tears, the roller coaster rides of emotions and I alone bore the brunt of all of that misery. I never once turned my back on this kid. She KNOWS she is loved unconditionally by me, her dad & her sibs. But she also has to learn she cannot get by any longer on the "I can't help it, I have an illness" excuse. AT some point, in order to be healthy & functional in society a BP HAS TO take charge and decide if they are going to sink or swim. Sara has a wonderful support network. BUT SHE DOES NOT GET TO YELL OR SCREAM AT US. That is just common courtesy! I feel at times like I am teaching a 2 year old. I am not going to stand and let her try to engage me in a fight just because she has had a bad day at work---it's like throwing gas on a fire to engage someone when they're manic--why would I do that?? She knows I won't abandon her! I never have! Walking around the corner to a neighbor's house so I don't have to listen to her scream at me is NOT ABANDONMENT---it's SELF PRESERVATION! I have a right to protect my own mental well being and that is what I have to do. I'm really glad that what you did worked for you & your daughter--every person is different, and what works for one person, just won't cut it with another. I do agree with what Marshmallow said--when someone is screaming epithets at you, denouncing your beloved religious beliefs, literally spitting at you and telling you to F---off, it's pretty hard to say "Oh, honey, now it's all ok, give me a hug"---when said person is bigger than you and you're scared of them, physically for what they might do.....wow...you just should not have to live that way. (And of course, I forgave, and forgave, and forgave, and forgave........)
Liz

Hi Liz ~

How's your hubbie doing??

T-
Sweet of you to think of me (and him--is my frustration showing thru??) He is ok, but most assuredly having ALL the symptoms of the TX...so it's been pretty unpleasant around here. I get the brunt of his bad moods and irritability, but of course, he's the one who is sick, so I'm trying to keep it pleasant around here. Yesterday was tough--Miss Sara was taking a day off to "take a break" and so was he---both were bummed out about life and I was really trying to hold it together and keep them apart.....result for me is a migraine today! But I can sleep in for a bit and I'll be right as rain. He'll start week #5 (of 48) tomorrow and in 7 more weeks we'll know if Interferon is working for him-that's the biggest stress--not knowing if this is his lifesaver.
Thanks for thinking of us. You're a sweetie--
Liz