Hello. I've never done this before, so please bear with me...

Here is a little bit of what I've been going through in the past couple days. I am looking for support, advice, ANYTHING because I am so hurt/confused/etc...

I am a 21 year old College Student, and I have been dating this guy for 2 years. He is funny, smart, sexy, and just an all around good guy. He respects me for me, and has really been there for me through some tough times. A few months ago, he decided to study abroad literally on the other side of the earth. I was upset, but I decided to support him entirely. He suffers from depression and he is bipolar, and I worried about him being able to make it on his own. He insisted he wasn't going to leave me, and that he would come home to me. I stood behind him 110%, and I was so proud of him when he made it there and was fine. He was very homesick, and would send me many emails about how much he missed me, how much he couldn't wait to come home, and how amazing it would be when he returned. He even told me he wanted to be with me forever.

He had been overseas for one month, and a few days ago was our anniversary. He had been "dodging" me for about a week, and he missed our computer date for that night. I emailed him saying "happy anniversary" and he never emailed me back. I pulled out my credit card and called his cell phone, and asked him to get on the internet to talk to me for free. I told him I knew something was up, and he immediately admitted that he had gotten extremely drunk at a party and kissed a girl. This girl was also an international student, and she was also in a long term relationship. Evidently, this girl has done this several times recently with different guys. She likes the attention, and gives them attention, and they fall hard. Almost immediately after he tells me of the incident with her, he tells me that a long-distance relationship is too hard for him, and he wants to take a break. He said he just wanted to be free there, which I understand. He told me he didn't want this to happen, he doesn't want to hurt me, and that if I were with him things wouldn't be this way (my "physical presence" affects him). Without saying so, he changed his facebook status to "single." I know this sounds lame, but it's important. After he did that, I had alot of people contacting me asking for an explanation- something he didn't get from being overseas. When I told everyone what happened, they all said the same thing "That is NOT him." This was really so sudden, and so very much out of character. My boyfriend has only ever had 2 beers MAX at home, and for him to be drinking and partying shows something is up. When he got there, he had expressed his disappointment that drinking was so popular there. My boyfriend was a person who needs meaningful social interaction, and I don't think he was finding it at bars and parties. I just don't understand how his feelings for me went from "forever" to "nothing" just like that.

About a year ago, he went off his meds and had a depressive bout like this where he also said he had lost feelings for me. When I confronted him, he said it was his depression, and that he didn't mean it when he said that. Two days after that, he was super boyfriend and everything was amazing again. When I last talked to him, I told him how this reminded me of a year ago, and he admitted that he was depressed, clouded, and confused. He said my physical presence affects him. I told him to take some time, sort his emotions out, and come talk to me when he was ready.

This has been the hardest thing ever. I went from 2 years of talking to him every day to pretty much absolutely nothing. I can tell he has been online, but if I hear from him it is cryptic. Last night he said in a 2 line email: "There is a pretty good chance my feelings for you will return. I just need more time." I told him he could come back to me, but we would start at square one again- talking about our favorite colors and all. To make matters worse, I have been talking to his mom, and now she is all worried about him too. I think he is acting out to fit in overseas (his roommates are much older and he told me they teased him about his age) and perhaps because of his depression or a bipolar swing. I'm not sure. Again, I just don't understand how he went from 2 years and "forever" to this?

I suffer from trust issues, and I also have depression. He was there for me through so much, and had really helped me with my depression. I feel so bad because I can't be there to hold him when he is so far away. I have been a big mess for the past week. I have barely eaten, I have the worst sleep, and I have had nasty crying fits. I can barely walk around a public place without losing it. I will probably seek counseling this week, but I'm not sure if it will help.

I have been ridiculously upset because of the suddenness, and because I think it is final. Part of me still holds out hope that he will come to his senses, but I'm probably being stupid and setting myself up for a big disappointment. I even told him we could have an open relationship until he comes home, but he said "I'll have to think about it, I don't think I want a relationship while I'm here."

So what can I do? Do I just wait? Do I assume that its completely over? Honestly, there is no other guy like my boyfriend. He was something special. I used to pinch myself to make sure he was real, he was that good. I honestly could have seen myself with him for a very long time, and I still do, mental complications and all. Is this his depression/bp? How can I ease this awful hurting I'm feeling?

People are telling me I'm crazy for giving him another chance, but I know the real him. The him that he is when he isn't under the spell of his depression/bp.

Please, any help and advice would be GREATLY appreciated! Thank you so much for listening.

Hi DontEverListen:wave: I am glad you headed over to this forum....I think that you will find lots of understanding and support here with people who either are Bipolar or love somebody who is.

I already met you on the relationship board and wouldn't change what I already shared with you but I just wanted to give you a BIG welcome and know that you will find much support from some wonderful people here.

Sending some (((HUGS))) and positive thoughts your way.

Love ~ Goody:angel: :wave:

Hi,

Sorry this is happening to you. Do you see a counselor - or can you?

You said it's happening before, when he went off his meds. Did he go off again?

Seems as if he is calling the shots in the relationship. The rapid, extreme change does sound like a BP thing - but he is the one who has to see this (and maybe losing you will force him to do that) and get help.

I understand how hard it is for you to have someone you've been so close to do this to you. But you might also think about whether you want to be in a relationship which can just disappear like this from time to time? Not much security there.

Also, this part of him is also "the real" him. If he doesn't get a lot of help, this might well continue to be a pattern.i Yes, it's behavior that might well be caused by BP, but he is responsible for it, nonetheless.

Personally, I wouldn't stand for it.

HOpe I don't sound too harsh. I want you to take care of your needs, not his.

Keep posting!

I had something similar happen to me when I was about your age. My boyfriend of 4 years was in the Army. We were living together and everything was fine. He was to be deployed for a year of desert training overseas. I decided it would be best to go home while he was deployed. I went home and he went to the desert. We communicated by letters and a weekly phone call every Sunday. A few months after he left, I got a "dear john" letter. He broke up with me after 4 years in a letter. As soon as I read the letter, I was so upset I vomitted. I went into a horrible depression. A few months later I find out he is getting married. Well, life went on. Within a year, he was married and divorced. A few months after his divorce, he returned to our hometown after being discharged from the Army. I was home on vacation from a nanny job in New Jersey. We got back together briefly. Before long, I realized that he wasn't the one for me and I ended it. I'm not married or "in love" now, so I don't have this happy ending to tell you about. I'm definitely not with someone who can change his mind about loving me in weeks or even days though. Good luck. You will do the right thing.

Hey--
I am so sorry for your obvious pain. Having a relationship with someone with BP is hard, at best, and you are not at "best" with this guy. It's not your fault--in any way, shape or form. If he is not taking his meds and not following his lifestyle needs & drinking and partying, then he is going to be having these types of crashes--such as the one you mentioned when he kissed the other girl, & changed his Facebook to say he's single. BP's can be super thoughtless & impulsive, and not realize that's what they're doing.
I'm not saying he doesn't care for you--it's just that he's not here and you are having feelings that you cannot sort out w/o him here. You may just have to put your feelings on ice for the time being, because you simply can't change him....sorry to be kind of cold, but this is the truth. Until HE decides to be in charge of his life, nothing is going to change. HE has to do the changing and HE has to care. It isn't about YOU..even tho he may say that he loves you and well he might, unless he actaully does the things he needs to do to be stable, you are looking at your life with a BP partner. My daughter is BP and I can't imagine the saint that exists who will be willing to take her on....unless she makes ton of changes in her life.

All the best--counseling for you to help learn about BP couldn't hurt....probably help you to understand this illness.
Liz

I'm not saying he doesn't care for you--it's just that he's not here and you are having feelings that you cannot sort out w/o him here. You may just have to put your feelings on ice for the time being, because you simply can't change him. Until HE decides to be in charge of his life, nothing is going to change. HE has to do the changing and HE has to care. It isn't about YOU..even tho he may say that he loves you and well he might, unless he actaully does the things he needs to do to be stable, you are looking at your life with a BP partner.

This is kind of what he keeps telling me. He needs time, he needs to think, he doesn't know. I think he'll keep saying that until he comes home in 3 months. I wonder if I can put my feelings on ice that long, or if I really can't live with the BP moves like this. When he was at home, they were not this extreme. As he said, my physical presence affects him. Part of me is like "wait for him, he needs to sort himself out, this could all just be something that is a blip on our radar when it's over" and then part of me (coming from almost everyone I know) is like... You need to move on.

But I love him deeply. I just can't give up on him. Today he said something like "it will get easier" but for me, it will never go away. Maybe I've set myself up for failure. It sure hurts a lot just waiting, but I will try to do it.