my family thinks i do. i dont think so. well, i think i might have some issues with food but im not sure. i appreciate any opinions... sorry if this might become long..

3 years ago (senior yr of college) i cheated on my boyfriend that i dated for 5 years when i was drunk and felt so sick about it but didnt have the courage to tell him. so, whenever i went out drinking i would come home with terrible anxiety and throw up everything i possibly could because it was the only thing that made me feel better. i dont know where i got this idea from - it got to the point where i would eat (ice cream maybe, something easy - NOT binge, eat just enough to keep throwing up until i got to the dry heaves stage)... it had nothing to do with losing weight. it just made me feel better. this went out for about 4 months (about 3-4x/week) with me then doing it when i wasnt drinking and just feeling anxious about anything.

i went to the school psych and she prescribed me xanax but didnt understand the vomiting since it wasn't really a "i think im fat" kind of thing. even though i did think that, i never though the throwing up would ever HELP with that situation.

i also went into therapy. things were going OK and i gave up the "bulimia" as she called it (i still dont think i have ever been bulimic). i finally told my boyfriend about the cheating and it was just awful. we broke up a year ago and im still having issues when i drink alcohol. i begin crying and having panic attacks and i cant really date anyone else because of this. my dr. prescribed me zoloft and i didnt like that because it made me gain weight so i went onto paxil but ended up getting off bc of the way it made me feel (brain zaps). i am now on klonopin on an as needed basis. sometimes i take up to .2/day, sometimes none. just depends on how stressful things are. i was doing well though and didn't throw up and would just take the pills as needed. i still get the panic attacks in the middle of the night after drinking or after being intimate with someone.

recently things have been REALLY stressful (i quit my job and im moving home) and i have been wanting to lose weight anyways because i gained some pounds and my entire family is very very heavy and im the ONLY ONE that is thin.

this is where i get scared because i have always been a big soda drinker. so, recently i have been having my morning soda and skipping breakfast and lunch and dinner and maybe having an additional soda around 3pm. ive also been taking .2 klonopin and that's it. i think that im just not hungry because im stressed.

i was actually pretty happy because i have dropped [removed] lbs (only [removed] pounds left until i reach my goal weight of [removed], 5'3" - i think this is a REALISTIC goal - however, im so close i think i might want to bring it down to [removed]!!). i called my sister (a nurse) excited because i have been getting compliments at work about how thin i look. anyway, my mother called me tonight and said "i heard you're on drugs like speed and dropping weight, widdling away to nothing"

that's why im here. i dont know if i have an anxiety problem or an eating disorder or both. im in psych now but we mainly talk about my ex bf and i just recently quit my job so i am no longer covered by insurance (thus my sessions are over).

i would just appreciate any opinions here because i know that im being unhealthy but i dont even know where to start. it's easy to say "start eating" but i dont feel like eating. i feel like if i eat anything at all ill throw up.

does any of this make sense?

OK, if you eat (amounts don't matter) and purge it, that's disordered eating, whether or not you weigh next to nothing, are obese, or normal weight, or anything in between. At 5'3", you're already slightly underweight-- and if "slightly" makes you want to lose more weight, that's a huge red flag. And you want to lose more. Sounds like body image distortion to me. You purge to release emotions- that's what bulimics do. They purge feelings. Been there, done that....been purge free for 11 years now, so I'm not just flapping my jaw/fingers :)

You might not be 'by the book' bulimic or anorexic by the criteria required for diagnosis, which I personally think are messed up, since it's the thinking involved, not the numbers, that create the disorder. But I'd bet you fit the criteria for eating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS).... and need to either keep getting help, or go back to it....

It's so much better to get help early on (even though 3 years creates an ingrained pattern and is hard to break). You'll have a longer life for it.

I was a restricting purger- I didn't binge on huge quantities of food, but purged everything. I have permanent health damage, and will probably die earlier than I should. I'm 43 now- I'll be surprised to see 50......I should see at least 80 for 'norms'. I've messed up my life so much for food- stupid, food, that I gave so much power to. I had to decide I was worth living (and that was hard) before I could do much with recovery.

I was in several inpatient treatment centers and medical hospitals. Now I'm admitted for the damage I've done.
Food isn't worth any of this. I'm an epileptic, diabetic, have had blood clots in my lungs from a clotting disorder, had a knee replaced recently, from overuse from my obese days (I've lost MORE than 1/3 of me), pre-strokes, have a disorder where my blood pressure and heart rate don't regulate, and I either pass out, have seizures, or my brain is shorted out from lack of flowing oxygen. Medications can only do so much.

I will probably die from a stroke, and I know this. It could happen today. Or in 5 years. I was an active, athletic (figure skater) high school student who learned from a skeletal bingeing anorexic the 'tricks of the trade', and I've never been the same- that was 26 years ago= but I also grew up in an 'anorexic' household, where diets and restricted eating began when I was very young....

I was primed for EDs. And I'll pay with my life, even though the death certificate will list one of the complications. My weight is high right now, but nowhere near as much as it used to be

No boyfriend is worth this, and nothing in your past is worth it- if someone hurt you, don't give them anymore- they didn't deserve to hurt you as much as they did- EDs just keep the abuse going.

Hi,

Welcome here.
Just my opinion (from my own long experience with addictions):

You must stop the drinking and any drug use altogether, no matter what that takes. Those can cause panic attacks and result in chronic severe anciety conditions, like agoraphobia, panic disorder (I know this from my own life, which is riddled with anxiety disorders).

You must seek professional help. Please do this. You are doing things that will, as Neurowreck says, damage you beyond repair, not to mention what you're doing to yourself psychologically.

Sounds as if you're doing anything you can to self-medicate guilt and anxiety and sorrow. I'm sorry for the way you feel.

Cheating really does a number on us, as you've found. But it's done, over, and most people do that once or twice, at least, in a lifetime, even when married. You deserve to get help to deal with that and put it behind you, so that you can go forward and experiene intimacy without pain and punishing yourself.

Please get help, and let us know how you're doing.

Oh, and yes, you do have an eating disorder, which will only get worse with time, as will the drinking and possible drug use.

I don't mean to sound harsh. I am concerned for you, and I've been through hell and back most of my life (now in late middle age and like Neuro, I am probably going to die prematurely.)

Stop now, while you still can.

The boyfriend cheating says way more about him, than anything about you- you aren't the one with infidelity, and you didn't cause it.

Please be good to yourself, and keep coming back here- it's a caring community.