Im so alone. I wish I could find som1 to wake up with, just to have next to me so I start the day right. I feel so heavy. I dont eat much nemore. It takes too much energy to do nothing and lie down :(

Do you think that you might be depressed?

I think I might be. I dont know what to do with myself i feel horrible. Its hard explaining it. I dont even know why im feeling like this, I cant think of anything that has happened to me in the last few days that has upset me or anything.

So you were fine until a few days ago?

Ive been down but the last few days ive felt very lonely and tired. I thought being at work today I might feel a little better but everything just feels different. I couldnt force a smile

Have you changed the way that you think about things?

Im not sure, Im having feelings of dislike for myself. I dont care much about my job at the moment so I think I am thinking differently. Its not going away either, ive had changes in moods and thoughts before but usually go away after a day or 2 but its been about a week and im where I was. I feel helpless and I have an urge to talk to someone live about it but I would just feel humiliated. Im screwing myself up I know it. Im beginning to not even care

VeryConfused, do you think that you can go to the doctor and then maybe get into some therapy?

I will try to, and I mean REALLY try to but talking person to person terrifies me and I dont feel motivated to. I would prefer to talk to someone I know but I dont know how they would react. I suppose I have to, I cant feel like this for too long

What terrifies you about it?

Ive never talked about how ive felt, I just dealt with it. I have an image of a patronising doctor saying "uhuh" to everything I say and telling me its normal and theres nothing wrong with me. I wouldnt know where to start talking as well. It all seems very daunting to me

VC, you could also find a very helpful doc. You have to start somewhere. Do you want to tell me anything about your background/family?

Theres nothing really out of the ordinary about my background. Parents divorced when I was about 10 and I lived with my mum and her boyfriend but I still saw my dad every other weekend. The only other thing is when we moved I stopped seeing all my friends from before. I changed school and ever since have found it hard to make friends, I have only 2 right now.

How did your parents divorce affect you?

I cant remember it all that clearly. I remember when they first told me and my brother, I was playing a handheld game as they told us like I was trying to ignore them but I ended up listening. I dont remember any feelings of how I felt towards their divorce, I dont think I cried or anything. Ive never had any problem with my mums boyfriend (they are actually getting married soon strangely). I vividly remember the moment I left my dad but cant remember much about it although I do have tears in my eyes now Im thinking about it, but I think thats because I feel sorry for him now (his girfriend has just moved to australia and he wont get to see her much).

Did you move right after the divorce?

Pretty much as soon as they told us we moved out I think, maybe a week. I can remember my dad sleeping downstairs but I think this was before we were told about it.

So you tell me that after your parents got a divorce and you moved (2 very major life changes for a child) you didn't make friends like you did before? Do you remember your life being better before all of these changes? How old are you now?

Before we moved I used to play outside with friends but when we moved I didnt know anyone and people were already in groups of friends and I never made it into one so yes life was better before. I just cant think of any real negative thoughts towards it. I was never bullied or anything, apart from one guy after school used to chase me but this was prevoked and nothing ever came of it if I was ever caught. I sort of enjoyed it, weird. Im 22 coming on 23.

Confused, this sounds like some major changes for you that you never recovered from. Your parents divorced and then you moved and then you never really made friends again. Do you think that you were sad after the divorce and move and it affected your ability to make friends again? It would have made me sad. Your mom was probably really busy as a single parent too and she was probably less available to you. Did your mom divorce your dad? Do you know why they divorced?

I can never meet a friends friend because I get extremely nervous and sweat and shake. I avoid those situations like the plague now but have become down and kinda depressed.

Heh, Confused, this is kind of important info that you have left out of your posts! If you want to talk about this stuff it is a gold mine for getting better!

Ok, you're a real angel for helping me out by the way :) .

Ive only felt nervous around people for maybe 5 years or so. I didnt put it in my posts because I feel I need someone to love but thinking about it now it is relevant. I have no idea why this is, my brother used to try and get me to go out to bars with him and his friends but didnt understand how I felt (I never told him I was nervous). He even had friends come round to try to persuade me but this made me angry and I would end up upsetting him even though his intentions were good. I eventually did go out a couple of times with him but I would just sit and nod as people were talking and this just made it worse. They would go to the dance floor and drag me with them but I just stood and the first oppertunity escaped back to a table. Thinking back this makes me cringe

Confused, I am very glad to help you! So you started getting really nervous around people right after high school?

Yes, I was fine with people at school even though I didnt have any real friends, I didnt feel uneasy around classmates or anything

What changed after high school for you that suddenly made you uneasy?

After school I had little human contact because I didnt have any friends, and I sat in my room (I still do) and play computer games and use the internet. Its like I dont or didnt have the interest in anything physical like hobbies or going out. I think I am afraid of people seeing me alone or as a loner

VC, this was a significant turning point in your life here. To me it sounds like you had some major life changes at 10 yrs. old which were really hard to deal with and they might have resulted in you not continuing to develop socially. Once you were out of school it continued to get worse. VC, all of this can be overcome. I had to learn social skills and I was anxious around people and I certainly have trembled with people. One thing that helped me to overcome this besides learning social skills was to strengthen my boundaries. Having boundaries is basically standing up for yourself and knowing how to interact with others (it is an imaginary boundary around you where you decide who crosses it, when, how far they can cross and for how long. You are in control of you.) Working on your self-worth helps here too.

VC, I just wanted you to know that I don't come here on the weekends, just in case you are wondering why I don't answer your posts then.

How do I go about this? Do I need to see a therapist and if I do how do I start? I have no idea about this sort of thing or what to expect

VC, a therapist would be very helpful to you. If you are going to use the public health service in England I believe that you have to see your doc first in order to be referred to therapy. The wait list can take a bit so I would get started ASAP. I can also help you here because I have walked this road. One thing IMO, in order to improve your life and your functioning you have to work to understand yourself. Once you understand yourself you will be able to make any needed changes. Where to start on these issues? - at the edge. What do you want to work on first?

I would like to start with this fear of social situations, I think this is what is getting me depressed and it isnt pleasant.


VC, I just wanted you to know that I don't come here on the weekends, just in case you are wondering why I don't answer your posts then.

No worries ;)

Do you know what you are fearing in the social situations?

There are a few things that I can think of

I wonder what people think of me when they look at me.

I fear not being able to find anything to say if someone starts talking to me

If someone does start to like me Im afraid Im going to do something against etiquette or something :confused:

When girls come into it im hopeless, I avoid all eye contact and think they are talking about me behind my back and if they were to approach me Im sure my voice would crack up and I would feel completely embarrassed to the point I think I would just run.

To me it sounds like you have a weak identity.

Im not completely sure what a weak identity is, ive tried looking it up but find a lot of other irrelevent things. Wednesday im registering at a doctors surgery near me, im just gonna go for it. Im not exactly sure what to expect but I know it will help me. Im a bit nervous thinking about it but I figure if the doctor can tell that he might see part of the problem

VC, a weak identity is when you don't feel strong, you don't know who you are, you don't take care of your needs (because you don't even know what they are and if you did you wouldn't feel it is okay to take care of them). You don't stand up for yourself and move forward in life. Life happens, you don't feel that you have any control over it.

I am so glad that you made an appt!!!!!!!!!

Hey, VC, how have you been doing?

Not too good. I was chatting to an online friend a couple of mins ago (she has no idea I get nervous) and she sent me some pics of a night out she had. She went out with about 10 friends and they all looked like they were having the time of their lives. This has made me feel really down. It should make me feel good right? I feel guilty that this makes me feel bad, its like it makes me slightly angry her showing me these. I had to just log off without saying anything. I cant keep count of things that are wrong with me

VC, it just sounds like you really long for this in your life and it just hurt to much to be reminded of this. Do you want to work on strengthening your identity?

Yes, I would give anything to be able to go out and enjoy myself. Im willing to do anything. Ive realised that I cant go on this way at all, its like torture. I see people every day just going about being happy and confident. Every time I see it is like im being stabbed. I went to the doctors today and got registered, and have made an appointment for the weekend but they said the waiting list is quite long so may not be able to see a specialist for a while.

VC, I can help you if you want while you wait. Look at that list about identity and tell me what you want to work on.

I suppose wondering what people think of me would be a good start, I would like to be able to walk down a street without feeling peoples eyes on me even if I cant talk to them.

VQ, IMO worrying about what others think decreases your identity. I got strong by worrying about what I think. If I worried about what everyone else thought about me I would be pulled in 1000 directions and I would therefore, be very weak. I take in VALUABLE opinions of others but my opinion of myself and my life is supreme.

Do you think that you carry yourself with a certain "weak" look about you? This really can be seen by others. If I interact with someone and they feel bad about themselves it can be seen. They might have a slump in their shoulders, eyes downcast, might repeat certain phrases like "ummm", "you know", shrug their shoulders. How you think about yourself can be seen. The cure - work on improving how you think about yourself.

I look really young for my age, I got mistaken for being 14 at work the other week. This really hurts. I dont think I brought this up in this post :confused: I feel embarrassed in front of workmates and anyone who is around when someone makes this mistake. They say that its a good thing but it does make me feel that age. Im not saying thats a bad thing, it just seems that people take me less seriously. Im usually not concious about it untill someone brings it up.

I do think low of myself, if someone has a go at me about something and I dont really think it was my fault I will say so (with not much power) but they might come back with a stronger argument and I just accept it and apologise. Inside I feel angry but just force it down, I try just to not let it bother me. I also sometimes go out of my way to make someone happy if I think they want me to do something.

I am sure that you have heard this one before but when you are 40 you will love not looking your age! Anyway, this is serious because it upsets you... So I guess what hurts about it is that you aren't taken seriously? Again, if you act serious and ignore anyone else's attempts at decreasing this in you, you WILL be carrying the ball on this one. You decide who you are and act accordingly. Please do not let others decide who you are.

Again, I hear the "other directedness" in you. Do you think that you can practice being self-focused and let others worry about themselves? You do not have to convince anyone else about what you think/feel either. Anyone can believe anything that they want about what they feel that you did or didn't do. What matters is how you feel/think about it. This is directly related to identity because you are strong inside and do not let others penetrate your identity.

VC, how are you doing today?

Im doing ok today. I saw a friend last night and that cheered me up. Im a bit concerned about a heart beat problem that I thought was to do with anxiety though, I posted in the anxiety forum and someone has suggested I get it checked out. How are you?

VC, sorry about your heart beat thing. You are going to the docs in a few days aren't you? Let me know if you want to work on this stuff again.

Thankyou, I really appreciate the help. You are very kind and understanding :)