Other than the wanting to lose weight do you have other reasons for your ED? When I feel hurt by somebody I restrict. It's not that I want them to say, "Oh poor you, I'm sorry I hurt you." I'm internalizing the pain, maybe blaming myself for the situation, and trying to hurt myself (?) Is this a form of self-injury?

My counselor said something that triggered depression in me. It was not intended to hurt me, nothing personal. The counselor always urges me towards weight gain and seems to care about my health more than I do. Now I feel compelled to restrict. Since my counselor wants me to gain weight maybe I'm (subconsciously) trying to hurt them for hurting me? Am I "getting back at my counselor?" I think so, but I'm confused. They probably won't even notice if I lose a lb or two this week. What's the use in trying. Nobody cares. I guess I'm worthless - I lose either way. It's just something I feel I need to do.

If I argue with my spouse I also fall back into restriction. I guess sometimes I just need to hurt myself. The physical pain helps me deal with the emotional pain. Does this make sense to anybody? How else can I deal with this pain?

So many professionals think it's all about control...or fashion model envy, or some other thing. I personally went through my years of ED because I didn't feel I was worthy of existing. I was adopted, so my birth was not planned or wanted (though my adoptive family wanted a child, it was highly dysfunctional and abusive in many ways). I grew up not knowing if my mom even liked me (adoptive) just because she couldn't show me affection the way a kid needs. So all the business about control is crap to me (may be valid for others)......mine was all about not feeling worthy of taking up space on the planet.

irrational-eating disorders are never really because someone wants to lose weight. theres always an underlying problem. Mine developed because my family is disfuntional and i was neglected emotionally quite a bit as a child. The ED was a way for me to hurt and distract myself to take away from the emotionally pain which is why i know EXACTLY where your coming from. When my mom wants me to gain, i want to go opposite just to go against her. The only way to fix this problem is to deal with the problems that arise. When you fight with your spuse, talk it out..dont hide. hiding and keeping in all the negative feelings causes you to self harm.

you are not worthless and you do not lose either way! There are people that care for you and love you and would loveto see you get better. No one's trying to hurt you. please take care! :angel:

Seems like I'm triggered by just about anything these days. My ED probably stems from the fact that my mom always had binge eating disorder, though undiagnosed. I developed a fear of obesity because she always said nobody liked her because she was fat. She blamed all her problems and depression on her weight. After so many years hearing that I guess it sank into me.

I went into counseling for depression and I think digging into the past really brought my ED into full swing.

Now I'm "in recovery" but stress, depression, feelings of worthlessness, not being able to control things at work, with finances, in relationships, etc. can set me back. I was depressed over the weekend and didn't even realize I was restricting this week until I read these posts today.

I think it is about control. When you feel like you can't control ANYTHING else in your life, you KNOW you can atleast control what goes in your mouth! And sometimes you (really ME here) feel dead and atleast the hunger pains or laxative abuse pains make you (me) have a "feeling". It's better than NO feeling at all! And then, for me anyway, there's a feeling of victory.... like "see, I need nothing from any of you. Not even food! See how strong I am that I don't even need food and you do because you are weak!" Sometimes it is the absolute ONLY thing I have going for myself. The fact that I had another successful day of almost starving or atleast suffering.... NOT eating what I would love to eat.... watching others do it instead! The suffering feels good sometimes but in the long run it is the saddest, most alone feeling on earth! God forbid I have a binge day (just had 2 in a row)!!!! The selfhatred I feel and depression is the worst u can imagine! I don't think I am fixable anymore... I just learn to live within the confines of restriction. If my life would improve (too many problems to list here) maybe I would stop this craziness BUT everything I have done to fix it has back fired sooooooo. Those are just a few of my thoughts on "why" ED people do what we do. Can anyone atleast agree or say they understand? Would appreciate some kinda response. Thanks!

I guess one thing that has bugged me about the control theory is that the ED takes control, so the person with the ED has none.... jmho..... maybe it starts out that way, but how many of those with active EDs can just turn them on and off?? I know that a certain Canadian woman's ideas and treatment have gone under horrible scrutiny and disdain, but her awareness of the underlying feelings of those with EDs really struck home with me- jmho again. If it's about control, how come we can't control them?

I feel the same way about the Control Theme I get handed so often.

No, if I had control over this ED, I wouldn't have had it for most of my life. And I sure wouldn't have chosen it if I'd known what was happening to me.

They say we "do it" to "conrol our emotions." Maybe it can begin as an escape from what we cannot control, but it sure is outta control just a bit later in the disorder.

For me, it began as something that just overtook me. I was clueless, and had stopped eating much because of some sexual abuse, failed teenage infatuation and resulting bad depression.

And I think there are as many reasons as there are people.

That's so true- everyone slips into an ED for many reasons. I do think that control can be a catalyst, but self-worth has to be damaged for the ED to take over and cause so many damaging things- to the person with the ED and those who care about her/him. It's got a lot of collateral damage with it. Someone with a healthy sense of self-worth wouldn't damage themselves or let the ED take over. jmho..... how many of us grew up with perfect examples of how to treat ourselves? I bet not many. I'm guessing many of us were abused and/or used by others to meet their needs, teaching us that ours don't matter, and that we're not worth much without being hurt.

It's a nasty cycle, and it's so painful.