AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH....I am so upset with myself right now. My husband found my stash of laxatives. I gave the bottle to him. He counted the pills I had left and apparently I took 24 laxatives in the past 24 hours. I am such a mess right now. I just binged on a whole pint of ice cream and feel miserable. Why can't I just be normal???????????? This sucks soooo bad. I just need to know that there are others like me, going through the same things like me...I know i'm not crazy. Anybody out there going through the humiliation (because I got caught) the depression (because I am watched like a hawk whenever I have to eat) the anxiety (because I just don't feel normal or right).........I'm sorry I am rambleing on and on. I am just so sick of myseft that i don't know what to do. I would appreciate any and every suggestion.............................. ..........Please anyone, I feel very, very. very alone right now.:dizzy: Thanks to everyone for their help.

Hi there!
What's a pint of ice cream! How about 5-6 chocholate bars at a time, lots of bread and butter, cheese and what not, all at the same time!! But of course, neither my stomach nor my guilt would let me keep all these down. So,. out it goes in the toilet with vomiting. You are just taking laxatives.
Both are really bad about our health and you know it.
However, there is a way out of this mess.
First you have to find out and really understand what is causing this behaviour. What is missing in your life and you are staffing yourself with food to fill the gap? With me it was love. Have you been unappreciated as a child, unloved, or abused, or constantly being put down? Because this is what will make you feel low and hollow and will automatically make you reach for the fridge. Have you ever been under the strict control of others in your childhood and you now rebel against this by hating your husband's control of you and your attempts to control your body and your weight?
As for not feeling normal, who is normal these days, and what does it actually mean to be normal? Being normal is only a definition. It is how WE feel that it is important not the label that others have first stuck on ourselves and we have adobted it.
I have been rambling on. All I am saying is that there is a way out. Take the proper way and see a professional, psychiatrist or go into therapy to start understanding who you are, how you feel and WHY you are doing it. Then you will be able to feel more in control of your life, NOT by staffing it to death(literally) but by choosing to do the things YOU really like and NOT the things you feel compelled to do or others have told you.
I have taken just this road and I have almost completely cured myself from boulimia. YES, REALLY!!!!
SO, it can be done. Do not leave it too late and start having health problems, bad teeth, bowel troubles etc.
I am not trying to scare you, but I do not want you to suffer because you can feel better and free.:)

Hey Felicitrika, I'm on the other side (restriction) but I can empathize with the emotions you're feeling. Humiliation (when a concerned person addresses my weight) the depression (I'm not good/pretty/thin enough), the anxiety (I ate too much, I didn't eat enough, I ate too much, etc.) There's a constant battle about food in my head, and it sucks. Especially when I know what's right, but always chose what's wrong. How does, "I'll do better tomorrow" sound - familiar? Tomorrow never comes. You are not alone. If therapy or support groups are options take advantage of them. Otherwise, keep on ranting and let us know how we can help you.

Yeah, I remember the comments about my eating (restricting) and use of laxatives. I had a co-worker/former friend smell my breath to see if I'd vomited (never did that). It is humiliating and depressing- but you can get out of it. I haven't purged/binged/starved for 11 years. I've had some appetite issues from medication for seizures and an autonomic nervous system disorder, pulmonary emboli, and pre-stroke episodes. So I have to be very on guard to not get back into the numbers game.

And the size of the binge is irrelevant- it's the feelings after you eat that matter. I remember using laxatives after the rare meal I'd eat. It wasn't more than a normal meal, but I had to get rid of it. If I knew ahead of time I was going to be in a 'have to eat' situation, I'd take the laxatives before I got to the restaurant. But you can get past this- it's not easy, and it's not comfortable, but you can be free of the negative mindset about food and yourself. :)

I hate food. and I hate eating it. and I hate that I have to eat it:mad:

Thanks to everyone who replied.......I am still binging like crazy. I was going to Overeaters Anonomous, but I haven't been in several weeks. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I will not be able to stop eating once I start. Does anyone else feel like this? I hate myself so much. At least I was able to get some laxatives again. I feel so huge right now. I have to get rid of everything that I put in my body tonight. Omigod this sucks sooooooo bad...I don't think I could hate myself any more than I already do. Please tell me there is someone else who know exactly what I am going through? Any advice???:confused:

Support groups are great places- if they're 'by the book' and have someone with good recovery time leading them (I've been to some great ones, and some that really stunk).

You will die if you keep this up- you know that or you wouldn't be so desperate for help. Recovery is hard, but you can do it in little steps- it doesn't have to all happen at once. Trying to do it "perfect" just sets you up to fail. Treat your body like you'd treat someone else until you can find it within you to want to take care of you in a healthy way. I had to do that. And it stuck for 11 years now, after 22 years of EDs, starting very young (imposed by family), then carried on in one form or another - anorexia, bulimia, and compulsive under and over eating. Now, I've got permanent damage. I'd trade my weight for a healthy body again any day.

Don't become a statistic. Hang on to that fight to recover, even when it seems so hard. You can do it :)

HI,
Well first of all, i have to say congratulations cause you have taken your first step and realize that you have a problem and that's the first step to success. Now you must get professional help asap. i was in your shoes for atleast 10 years, but it caught up to be and woke up.
I see your married and your husband helps and loves you, and that's very important to have in your life.
What you must do and it's very hard to do, i know been there is tell yourself how you feel afterwards...
I'm not sure how old you are, but i was only 21 when i started and let me tell you today i'm 32 and let me tell you that i look older than 32 because of all the **** i've done to my body, vomiting, laxatives and not eating for days.
please get help i don't want to hear about someone else ruining their life......go talk to a therapist believe me it helps....you have to start loving yourself.....