Hello,

My story is a complicated one, but not much different than the other stories on this board. I met my ex wife in college and we were together for 5 years. During that time, I helped her overcome bulemia and anorexia. She told me during the first few months of dating that she had serious issues regarding eating. I assured her that her appearance was not an issue for me. After that conversation, she steadily gained weight back, and I didn't even notice. I really loved her for who she was as a person. We ended up getting married a few years later and I never had an issue with her weight during the marriage. We ended up separating a few months ago for reasons totally unrelated to her eating habits. I guess that we just married too young. I saw her a few months after we were separated and noted that she had lost weight. Then I saw her a couple of weeks ago and noticed that she lost a little more. It seemed that she was revisiting old habits, but I was not too concerned. However, today I saw a very recent picture of her and I can not even recognize the woman I was with for 5+ years. I am not sure what I can do to help her that would not seem imposing or weird. Her parents seem to blame me for the divorce, and I haven't talked to either of them since, but I am seriously contemplating calling them. Please help me help her. What can I do to make sure that she doesn't kill herself?

Hi!
Her eating disorder stems from very low self esteem and you already know that because you have done all you could to help her during your marriage.
I am almost certain that this confidence you have given her has gone away with your presence.
I was wondering, whether your decision to separate was a mutual one or one sided. The more one sided it was , the more worthless she is feeling. ( I think).
I also do not agree with her parents in laying blame on you, since their daughter had this problem before meeting you. Now, the question remains. What to do about this?
Rather than talk to her parents, I would talk to her first. See how much she denies her condition and how much blame she puts on You. Then you can reassure her again of your genuine interest and affection despite not being married anymore. I do not see any reason why people who separate cannot be real friends. Tell her how much you still value her as a person and how much it saddens you to see her wasting away. Perhaps you could offer to accompany her to a therapist( which is something she must absolutely do).But be alert to the possibility that she relies on you more than you want her to. Try to make her understand the causes behind her behavour. e.g difficult childhood, abuse, feelings of worthlessness, self loathing etc.
Remember that it is HER life and it is ultimately up to her whether she wants to get better and live. You can only help her, not live for her. Beware of your own guilty feelings as well. Do not let them run you down. You and her have to look forward not backwards to what might have been.
Please talk to a professional yourself if you need to, to avoid getting tangled in a vicious circle.
Good luck.:)

The decision to separate was entirely hers. I was never abusive to her, never cheated on her or anything like that. I sent her an email about my concern for her, and told her that I would help her. She left me a voice mail and told me that there was nothing wrong with her. She also told me that she 'pigged out' yesterday because she had a cheese danish. After living with her for almost 4 years, I can be pretty certain that it was the only thing she ate that day.

You have a lot of insight. If she is in denial about nothing being wrong with her, and you fear her life is in danger, you can check into her being committed into treatment (generally not as effective as voluntary admissions, but if it means her life, it's worth a try). Generally, a judge has to sign off on it, and you would have to file the paperwork. I've done this with patients in different capacities where I used to work (different places), and it's not any fun, but safety comes first.

I'm from northern Illinois, and know there are some very good places around that deal with EDs- know where she's to be admitted before going forward with any committment papers. You're still married, and that has you as the next in line to make medical decisions if she can't- and basically you're going to have to prove she's not competent to keep herself healthy. That's emotionally very hard- but also one way to get her to treatment if she won't go on her own. It's obvious you care about her a great deal- my best wishes go out to you both.

Hi,

I don't think there is ever just one party who is "to blame" for marriage failure. I was married 12 years, then divorced, and it does take two.

You're not responsible for her illness or her recovery. As you say, she was ill before you married. Eating disorders are often chronic and will come and go.
I'd ask her what you can do. Is she under-age? IF so,. calling her parents might be okay, though be prepared for a cold reception. Most parents blame the other person, not their daughters or sons.

Do what you can, but realize that you may not be able to help her one bit. Unless you were outright abusive, you're not to blame for anything.

HEr recovery is up to her, and she has to want it and seek help for herself.
But, as bove, if she is in real danger, then I think action is needed. If you can do it, geting yourself some professional help would be a good idea, I think, and if you can get to NAMI meetings, they, too would understand and help.

I hope you can find a way.