I was cleaning the other day and found old journal entries from when I was in high school. I'm 29 now. I was saddened to see not many of my feelings have changed. I feel like such a loser. I've been in therapy since first diagnosed in high school. I've come to the point where I'm ready to change therapists b/c I feel like my progress has leveled off with my current. I have such a low self esteem of myself yet want a relationship. I think I tend to find interest in the wrong people. Almost like those I know won't want a commitment. I deny that to myself yet feel incredibly rejected when it doesn't go anywhere. I met this guy, Craig, a few months back. I met him through my friend's husband (then fiance). I've said this in others posts I know. I tend to hold onto little things and can't let them go or let the people go.

We had a great time the two nights we really hung out. He was recently out of a 5 year relationship so he ended up blowing me off to do the single thing. This past weekend we were partners in my friends wedding. I was shaking like a leaf at the church and he said it to me. I think I was really nervous to be with him. We've seen each other since blowing me off but nothing was ever discussed. I know he doesn't owe me anything. It's the same cycle. I put "my dream" in my head. When it doesn't happen, I crumble. It takes me so long to jump back. I know he has a lot of growing up to do. He definitely has an alcohol problem. He's a chain beer drinker. I say to myself that I know I don't want someone like that in my life. I also don't want someone who is stuck to his friends. All they want to do is drink beer. So why do I still think of him? Is it the rejection? I feel like I disgust him. Is it possible I intimidate him? Like he knows I'm the real deal, not just someone to fool around with? We all had a lot to drink at the wedding. Something could have happened but didn't. Saw him the next day. Barely spoke a word.

I tend to fall for those who have issues themselves? Fell for a pot head a few years ago. He was definitely my first love because he also suffered from depression. The first guy I met who "got it." We broke up because he treated himself with pot and I was dead set against it. Craig has this group of friends. This sounds so pathetic but I never had a group of friends. I always had individual friends, was never part of one group. I guess I still have that longing to feel part of something. Then again I think that they don't know how to grow up and make their own decisions. Like a constant fraternity. When I was in my early 20's, I always worried about right and wrong. I never just relaxed. I went out but was never a partier. Does that draw me to him also? He does the partying that I never did? Do I regret being so closed off when I was younger? There is talk of him getting back with his ex. I KNOW I DON'T WANT OR NEED SOMEONE LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE. What's wrong with me that I'm petrified of a relationship eventhough I want one? I find something wrong with the decent ones yet can't see past the bad things in others. That doesn't make sense.

I also think I want Craig to tell me it had nothing to do with me and it was all him. I know we all want that. I have a hard time letting go because I think this lightbulb will go off in their heads saying "I'm gonna stop drinking or smoking pot! How could I let her go?" One minute I'm ok and the next I feel like such a loser. We texted each other a few times after we first met. A week later, he texted me out of nowhere. Then when I texted a few days after that, no response. What was his point of texting me or contacting me to begin with? I harp or obsess over the little things. I had a smile from ear to ear thinking he was interested, then poof REJECTED!!! His brother's girlfriend tells me she thinks we look so good together. I can't be stuck on a kiss I had with him but I am. It was one night. I set myself up and now I'm hurting again. I want to meet someone that doesn't play games yet I'm beyond PETRIFIED and find myself going after those who don't want commitment. I never had that "fun" time. I was always too emotional and sensitive. Fall hard and easy. Ugh I'm so confused.lDo I want to turn back time knowing I can't?
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Happy, I related a lot to what you posted, especially about the old journal. The truth of the matter is (IMO) people don't tend to change very much, if & when they do it's because they are backed into a corner and must. For example, if pain enters the picture it provides motivation for change. I'm wondering if you have gone for counseling to help with your issues? Sounds like a lot of fears surface for you in relation to intimacy, (I definitely relate!!), this isn't too out of the ordinary, everyone deals with it in their own way. As for wanting a relationship and having a "dream" inside your head, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It just depends on how you go about it. You already know that the choices you make in men needs adjustment, and that you have a low self esteem. I always say that awareness is the first step. So begin working on these areas so that you can get to where you want to be.

Thankfully Craig isn't interested in you b/c you deserve better!!!

Happy, I agree with Positivity completely. It is called "Fear of Intimacy". This was the issue that got me into therapy for the first time 2 decades ago. You want intimacy, of course, but your fear of it keeps you from it. I would always choose the men who weren't available. It was totally subconscious. If a guy was available I would RUN! I was miserable, though, because of course everyone needs and desires intimacy. The first thing that I learned about this was that I had very unhealthy boundaries and this contributed to this intimacy thing. Having good boundaries are when you stand up for yourself. In order to stand up for yourself, however, you have to be aware and be able to meet your needs. Yes, another issue that I had to work on. Finally, self-worth definitely contributes to intimacy. How can you share yourself if you think you are worthless? Yes, therapy without progress is not good. Maybe hanging out here can help you to jump start your therapy again. And yes, low self-worth makes you choose losers! I did this in high school because I didn't think that I deserved better. Please keep posting.

You said you have been in therapy since you were diagnosed in high school. But have you tried Cognitive Therapy (CBT)? Although my issues do not parallel yours there is some overlap and I experienced a lot of lack of growth with several therapists before learning how to help myself in cbt therapy. Along with healing my anxiety and depression etc it had the side effect of really building my self-esteem because I did the work to get better instead of having to rely on my therapist to get me better. I hope this makes sense and you give cbt a try.

Thank you to those who have responded. As we all do, I get up and keep trying each day....sometimes against my desire to pull the covers over my head and call it a day. What is CBT?

Shorebird, it sounds like what you are describing is empowerment. IMO you have to take your life into your own hands. It is the only route to mental health IMO.

Happy, CBT is therapy where you figure out what thoughts in your head are causing you distress and then you work on resolving these/making changes so that you are no longer in distress. An example is low self-worth. Figure out where it came from, what the messages are and then evaluate if those messages are true. If they are not true then toss them out. I think that you have written some things here about your weight. You must have messages in your head about your weight and self-worth and you also mentioned I think that your family always fought. This chaotic environment must have affected you and caused you to ingrain some thoughts/messages in your mind which cause you problems. Discover them! Keep posting.

Shorebird, it sounds like what you are describing is empowerment. IMO you have to take your life into your own hands. It is the only route to mental health IMO.
Good to hear from you Sannah :) I am of the same opinion!

Happy, you already got a good answer but I would add that there are 10 thinking errors cbt focuses on correcting and replacing with more objective thoughts. It works very well.

Fyi-Sannah, Aileen7 has been asking about you on the stress bb. I told her you were back and probably had not seen her posts to you. Take care :)