ohiogent
08-23-2007, 09:51 PM
right?
i am on this thing about saying things perfectly and that is nearly impossible.
what if i say a tax law wrong or not complete
what if i give directions wrong
what if i give wrong name of person
what if i give wrong info on any topic
then..........
i fill in the blank and place the blame on me for the results
so i correct
i clarify
i repeat
i re-state
i say again
slightly different
but i cannot say it perfectly
i obsess my mistakes in words cause
- sickness
- poverty
- heart attacks
- financial ruin
- and worse
since i did not state things properly and others acted off of my words
like if i say.. oh you can deduct that mortgage interest on your taxes.
that may be but i need more info to determine if that is correct.. but time does not always allow for such detail
so i say.. yes, you can deduct that.. and before i have a chance to elaborate. .they are gone or whatever
and i obsess and have to fix it
fix what i said
i was at a client today..
something came up
i addressed the topic over
and over
and over
just when i thought i had it right and let it go.... i reviewed the conversation and it was not right afterall.. i still did not say it perfectly
and i literally started to sweat from this ocd attack
i brought it up again
several times
over and over
she left to go home
i followed her to her car and continued the conversation
there i said.. i fixed it.. i said it right...
but then she drove off.. i was at peace until i thought....hmmmmmm
i really did not get it right afterall
she was gone!
her husband works there too...
i talked to him.. i was racing in thoughts and words by that time, and in tears.. i told him i have ocd and having a major bout of it and i am sorry but can he please help me
i asked him to call his wife and explain some more of our topic based on what i told him
he was compassionate to me but i am his accountant and how could he not wonder how well i can do my duties like this
i had him say some things to her.. me talking to her would make it worse
see...
it would never end
i could never say it perfect
ever
i had him say some things and after we (him) hung up with her
i was ok and left and was ok
for seconds
and again.. still not right
i called from my cell phone
told him.. still not right
he said.. jim... i think you should see a doctor
true but that is not helping me now.. could he help me
even if it is enabling.. i need help
i need to get out of "This one"
even if it makes me worse
this one will kill me
there will no next ocd attack if this one kills me
he said he would talk to her again
and clarify
i was ok
drove off
thought...
hmmmm, what if he just said he would tell her
and not really tell her
this is my life
from one conversation i have to fix to another
this is the worst one
i cannot stand this. i cannot handle this. .
this is so horrible
so vile
so heinous
such a waste
so painful
one ocd attack to another
i cannot believe anyone walking on the face of the earth has such horrendous ocd as this
not looking for pity or anything like that
how can i go on like this
the horror of ocd
the literal horror of my ocd
i will go to bed with this hauting
this condemning voice
of how i said things wrong...
and ................................... (results)
all my fault
and i tried to fix it.. several attempts
each one landed me deeper
deeper in ocd
deeper in trouble
i will wake up after having my dreams taunt me
i will wake up and resume the horror of my life
i am on this thing about saying things perfectly and that is nearly impossible.
what if i say a tax law wrong or not complete
what if i give directions wrong
what if i give wrong name of person
what if i give wrong info on any topic
then..........
i fill in the blank and place the blame on me for the results
so i correct
i clarify
i repeat
i re-state
i say again
slightly different
but i cannot say it perfectly
i obsess my mistakes in words cause
- sickness
- poverty
- heart attacks
- financial ruin
- and worse
since i did not state things properly and others acted off of my words
like if i say.. oh you can deduct that mortgage interest on your taxes.
that may be but i need more info to determine if that is correct.. but time does not always allow for such detail
so i say.. yes, you can deduct that.. and before i have a chance to elaborate. .they are gone or whatever
and i obsess and have to fix it
fix what i said
i was at a client today..
something came up
i addressed the topic over
and over
and over
just when i thought i had it right and let it go.... i reviewed the conversation and it was not right afterall.. i still did not say it perfectly
and i literally started to sweat from this ocd attack
i brought it up again
several times
over and over
she left to go home
i followed her to her car and continued the conversation
there i said.. i fixed it.. i said it right...
but then she drove off.. i was at peace until i thought....hmmmmmm
i really did not get it right afterall
she was gone!
her husband works there too...
i talked to him.. i was racing in thoughts and words by that time, and in tears.. i told him i have ocd and having a major bout of it and i am sorry but can he please help me
i asked him to call his wife and explain some more of our topic based on what i told him
he was compassionate to me but i am his accountant and how could he not wonder how well i can do my duties like this
i had him say some things to her.. me talking to her would make it worse
see...
it would never end
i could never say it perfect
ever
i had him say some things and after we (him) hung up with her
i was ok and left and was ok
for seconds
and again.. still not right
i called from my cell phone
told him.. still not right
he said.. jim... i think you should see a doctor
true but that is not helping me now.. could he help me
even if it is enabling.. i need help
i need to get out of "This one"
even if it makes me worse
this one will kill me
there will no next ocd attack if this one kills me
he said he would talk to her again
and clarify
i was ok
drove off
thought...
hmmmm, what if he just said he would tell her
and not really tell her
this is my life
from one conversation i have to fix to another
this is the worst one
i cannot stand this. i cannot handle this. .
this is so horrible
so vile
so heinous
such a waste
so painful
one ocd attack to another
i cannot believe anyone walking on the face of the earth has such horrendous ocd as this
not looking for pity or anything like that
how can i go on like this
the horror of ocd
the literal horror of my ocd
i will go to bed with this hauting
this condemning voice
of how i said things wrong...
and ................................... (results)
all my fault
and i tried to fix it.. several attempts
each one landed me deeper
deeper in ocd
deeper in trouble
i will wake up after having my dreams taunt me
i will wake up and resume the horror of my life
Sponsor
seriousperson
08-23-2007, 10:08 PM
I feel your anguish.
Medication can give some measure of relief.
Medication can give some measure of relief.
seaturtle
08-23-2007, 10:54 PM
I agree with seriousperson. Are you on medication and working with a therapist on CBT? These two things can work wonders to help you minimize your symptoms and be able to change your behavior.
I know what a torture this illness can be, but with work, you can definitely get better.
Please keep posting and let us know about your med and therapist help right now. I encourage you to seek both right away. You do not have to live this hellish existence.
I know what a torture this illness can be, but with work, you can definitely get better.
Please keep posting and let us know about your med and therapist help right now. I encourage you to seek both right away. You do not have to live this hellish existence.
lithenblithe
08-24-2007, 12:32 PM
I'm so sorry.
Does at least part of you see that you are wrong about the consequences of your "getting it right"? If you don't get it right, it's really just as simple as that. Your client will call for clarification, find out the nuances of the rule for themselves or have someone else explain. You are not beginning a chain of terrible events. You place too much burden, and too much importance, on yourself with that thinking.
As always, I hope you reach out to someone, ask for help, and let someone get it right with you.
Does at least part of you see that you are wrong about the consequences of your "getting it right"? If you don't get it right, it's really just as simple as that. Your client will call for clarification, find out the nuances of the rule for themselves or have someone else explain. You are not beginning a chain of terrible events. You place too much burden, and too much importance, on yourself with that thinking.
As always, I hope you reach out to someone, ask for help, and let someone get it right with you.
ohiogent
08-25-2007, 12:18 AM
A chain of events, good or bad, can indeed be set off/started based on my words. People can respond/act based on my comments and I am responsible for the words that I say and want to state them properly.
seriousperson
08-25-2007, 01:12 AM
OhioGent,
You can only do your best in trying to say the right things.
Obsessing about it and being compelled to say more words does not necessarily make it better. It can make it worse (as you described).
Medication and/or therapy can help you reign in the obsession and compulsion to a manageable amount that can allow you to communicate better. It won't take away your desire or ability to make the communication better, just allow you to see the difference between when your continued efforts at communication are making it better or worse and to stop when it is the best thing to do.
You have the ability to communicate well.
The OCD tendencies can enhance that ability if they are under control.
You can only do your best in trying to say the right things.
Obsessing about it and being compelled to say more words does not necessarily make it better. It can make it worse (as you described).
Medication and/or therapy can help you reign in the obsession and compulsion to a manageable amount that can allow you to communicate better. It won't take away your desire or ability to make the communication better, just allow you to see the difference between when your continued efforts at communication are making it better or worse and to stop when it is the best thing to do.
You have the ability to communicate well.
The OCD tendencies can enhance that ability if they are under control.
seriousperson
08-28-2007, 12:50 AM
Hey OhioGent,
It just occurred to me that your obsessing over capitalizations and whether posts posted is not really such a big deal. What is a big deal is that you're obsessing over obsessing. Does that make sense to you?
It just occurred to me that your obsessing over capitalizations and whether posts posted is not really such a big deal. What is a big deal is that you're obsessing over obsessing. Does that make sense to you?
ohiogent
08-29-2007, 08:23 PM
I am not obsessing about obsessing. I was concerned that any typos, spelling errors, capitalization issues, grammar problems, puncuation mistakes, or any other problems with my posts would take away from the main message or dilute what I was presenting with my message in any way, shape, or form.
seriousperson
08-30-2007, 12:28 AM
Yes, that is true. But I'm pretty sure that my psy doc would say the real issue is obsessing about the obsession. It's easier for me to see this in someone else than in myself, but everytime I post here I'm doing it.
1stimer662
08-30-2007, 10:50 PM
Hey ohiogent. How long have you had this "stinking thinking"? You've written that you were on the right track in life and posed the question How did I get this way?
It seems like maybe you're trying to speak everyone's language, and that's just not possible. Everyone thinks differently. You can say the exact thing to two different ppl and they'll take it two different ways. So it's kind of like you're trying to cover all possible meanings with each and every person! Can you imagine how freaked out you could be making these ppl? There's a common sense to ask if you have questions about what someone's saying.
What are you afraid of if someone doesn't get out of what you say exactly what you expected them to get?
Where did this self-conscious, insecure way of thinking come from for you? Because you are insecure about something. What is it?
If I could suggest one thing....print all of this thread and take it to whatever doc you see. That way you can just say, "Here, read this. It explains a lot!" If you don't get anything out of the first doc then see another. Not every doc is for everyone.
I also obsess about different things. I can't pin-point one thing, but I do make myself anxious sometimes. It really helps to spiritually dive into myself and figure out what's "off" w/in me and why.
I hope for the very best for you and to hear about good things from your appt.!!
It seems like maybe you're trying to speak everyone's language, and that's just not possible. Everyone thinks differently. You can say the exact thing to two different ppl and they'll take it two different ways. So it's kind of like you're trying to cover all possible meanings with each and every person! Can you imagine how freaked out you could be making these ppl? There's a common sense to ask if you have questions about what someone's saying.
What are you afraid of if someone doesn't get out of what you say exactly what you expected them to get?
Where did this self-conscious, insecure way of thinking come from for you? Because you are insecure about something. What is it?
If I could suggest one thing....print all of this thread and take it to whatever doc you see. That way you can just say, "Here, read this. It explains a lot!" If you don't get anything out of the first doc then see another. Not every doc is for everyone.
I also obsess about different things. I can't pin-point one thing, but I do make myself anxious sometimes. It really helps to spiritually dive into myself and figure out what's "off" w/in me and why.
I hope for the very best for you and to hear about good things from your appt.!!
ohiogent
08-31-2007, 12:12 AM
I try and be very specific and clear when I respond/speak/type and if my comments are not understood or not clear, the results could vary, depending on the topic, and can range from someone losing money, getting audited and losing to the IRS, going to hell, or other horrid outcome. I try and present what I have to say so the listener/receiver/reader can understand what I am trying to present but there is not more than one way to present issues that have only correct answer.
ohiogent
08-31-2007, 12:25 AM
I added some additional comments in my last post in my second edit.
ohiogent
08-31-2007, 12:27 AM
In my last post, I meant to use the words "additional comment" instead of "additional comments".
ohiogent
08-31-2007, 12:50 AM
How can medicine help me? I am getting worse and worse and now my "imaging" is the worst it has ever been. What i said in my last post was supposed to say the following:
In my last post, I meant to use the words "additional comment" instead of "additional comments".
In my last post, I meant to use the words "additional comment" instead of "additional comments".
1stimer662
08-31-2007, 11:09 AM
Hey ohiogent. Are you going to see that doctor? If so, I recommend printing out this whole thread for them. This way you'll have these instances, which are very good examples of your OCD, to show them.