Hey, I used to be on here a few years back, but stopped posting because after I got completely delivered from ED, I still struggled quite a bit. I've been ok for about a year now, but I've been having some stomach problems and I've let that be a contributing factor (excuse) to revert back and relapse right back into restricting/purging.

Why is it that those of us in the helping profession (Social, counselors, etc) struggle the most with this? Are we so busy helping others that we neglect ourselves? I work with girls that are struggling with this very same thing and I feel like such a hypocrite. It's crazy and I'm like the poster child for insanity. I have to instruct them to do things that I'm not willing to do myself, or I only do it part-way.

My job is dependent on me getting better. Some days I want to be healed, most days I am comfortable with walking on the edge. Does this make sense to any of you? Help! I know my boundaries. I'm not that bad. I don't purge every day. Some days I binge. Since taking this job, I've

(gained a little bit of weight).

It's only been 6 months and I feel like garbage. Excess weight doesn't look good on petite girls. I don't want to die, but I can't fully live with this stronghold and mentality. Do any of you ever feel like a hypocrite?

Most of us who are in helping professions are there because of being major codependents in the first place. Throw in some insecurity, poor self worth, some childhood trauma, and bad eating as a form of whatever as a kid, and it's a recipe for EDs.

You're not any different because of what you weigh. You're just more preoccupied, and less able to give yourself fully to work (been there, done that :)). EDs demand full time attention. You get to choose which direction you go. You know the drill. You know it's not about food or weight. It's about feeling good enough as just being you as you are. If your best friend gained 50 pounds would you ditch him/her? Would they be someone else? Is your love for them dependent on what they weigh? Why have double standards for yourself?
You can get out of this before it spirals more into the pit of parasitic EDs....:) Keep writing and voicing what you need from here- someone is bound to have some insight into what you're going through:)

And you're not crazy :)

Thanks for the advice and encouragement. I know I can get out of this, but do I really, really want to? Am I too comfortable? No, I wouldn't love my best friend less if they gained an additional 50lbs, but my perception about their perception of themselves would change. Doesn't everybody care what they look like? I mean, bottom line, it all boils down to the choices we make. Are we being proactive or destructive? Are we choosing life or death? It is crazy to think that what I'm doing is somehow helping me to achieve my goals. It really is the definition of insanity. I don't see a way out right now. In too deep.

I like what you said about liking your friends less if they gained weight. I have a lot of overweight friends and I never hold it against them. Do I ever feel like a hypocrite? All the time. I can come here or go to support meetings and give out all sorts of advice, but when it comes to taking my own advice I fail.

I'm sitting here at work starving with hunger, telling myself I can't have a snack unless I'm planning on skipping dinner. Meanwhile, I watched (and smelled) the gal next to me eat breakfast, lunch, and an afternoon snack today. Is she overweight? Not at all!

I used to be more strict like you and could totally skip meals while I watched the person next to me eat all day. I would feel so good about myself because I would think I'm so much better than them because I have self-control. These days aren't like that. I completely binged today when I got home from work this morning. Had some fish and potatoes, took a 4 hr nap, then had a plate full of rice and lima beans, followed by about a pint of vanilla ice cream. I'm about to go to work this afternoon, and i'll be expected to eat normal portions at dinner time, which will be in about an hour and a half. I have a huge bump that protrudes from my stomach like a huge jelly roll. I look like I'm several months pregnant. I used to exercise obsessively every day for hrs on end. These days, i exercise not so extremely, but I can't seem to tone or lose the 15 lbs I want. When will enough be enough? Will I ever really be happy with who I am regardless of my size?

Another way to look at it- are you living your life as an example to those you help?
When I started speaking about EDs to high school kids, it made me feel more responsible about how I treated myself.....then I moved away, and while still in a helping job, relapsed. Recovery was hard, but still doable out patient. Then, I went the other way, and got into compulsive eating, and gained a lot of weight- but I was HAPPY. My knees weren't and I became diabetic (two permanent damage sites- had one knee replaced at age 42 last year), so lost weight, and got tangled up in the snare again- bad. This time, it was a formal intervention, van to the airport, and off to a ratty treatment center. It was horrible. It was stuck in a drug/alcohol treatment center (and it may have been great as that), and one meeting a week for us ED patients (about 4-5 at a time, with a special table to eat at, where the others came to stare at us), and not much else. I was horrified.

I got every professional book I could find, and treated me as I would someone I was supposed to care for until I could get the balls I needed to take care of myself FOR myself. It took a while, and in small steps, but that was 11 years ago, and no restricting/purging/bingeing since then. I've had some issues with medication that has appetite loss as a side effect, but I've jumped on it before it got into my head. I was aiming for health. I'd take 50 pounds for my health back anyday. I've got so many things screwed up from what I've done to myself, and none of us plans on that happening- but it does.

Keep hanging onto the healthy stuff that you know- it's not worth going back to the pit :)

It's never enough when you're stuck with ED on your back- that mindset will always see the numbers as too high until they're zero. And that's not possible. Eating disorders demand the impossible. So many of us are perfectionistic, but even us lowly ED humans can't reach those goals- and they never feel like enough- so why keep going when all that does is rot the body? It's hard, and takes time, but it's possible to stop before you're left with only part of you working right.

If I could get on my knees in front of each and every one of you and beg you to aim for health, and not keep going with the never-ending cycle of EDs, I'd be flooded with tears begging you to stop now, and start the little steps of getting rid of the ED behaviors. They will kill you- it's not an if, it's a when......

ED is not about fat or about weight. It is about trying to have control.

Read the sticky posts on boards before posting.