What is it y'all are looking for who are still active in your ED? When I was still in my restricting/purging days, a co-worker/former friend (not former because of ED, but because of backstabbing when I helped her get a new job and she treated me like dogsh@*)asked me some of the following......Some are also from the intervention...

Do you want to be a skinny corpse?

What do you want to do in the last two weeks you have to live? (MD actually said a month)

What do you want to be remembered by?

Do you know what you're putting your friends through?

Watching you die cell by cell is agonizing- do you even care what you're doing to the rest of us watching you?

How would you feel if you were watching your child die from something she could get help for, but wouldn't?

You know nothing will ever be 'low enough', so when do you think you'll figure out that you're going to have to stop this?

Will you get help if it's arranged, since you can't come back to work from this day forward, until you do get help- it's either help, or find another job...

You've gone through so many things, and come out a miracle when so many had given up on you- that can happen again, but only if you agree to get help.

Why do you want to hurt yourself so badly? Why don't you think you're worth the basics to keep a human alive?

Just some things to think about....they made me think about how many others were going through this, probably worse than I was at times, but who were in pain because of me- I never wanted that. And no 'number' was worth hurting others.

I'm not into scare tactics or being shamed into changing for others, but I sure did like.....

"What do you want to be remembered by?"

I'd like to be remembered for the work I've done with animals and the service work I've done in my recovery groups. At one time, I was afraid I'd be remembered for clogging toilets and sewage lines (plural).......and countless visits to the hospital. But then I decided to change. I had reached a point where I became so angry with myself for waisting so much time in the food and missing out on life, I became moved to take action....for myself. I started by seeing a nutritionist, making a goals list, and going to recovery meetings. And it snowballed from there :)

My recovery isn't perfect, but it's progressively getting better. And I like myself today :)

SG

Congratulations. You have to recover for you. And I agree- scare and shame tactics don't work, but often in the middle of EDs, we don't think about what we're doing to others- it's not just about us.

Glad to hear you're progressing- it's never perfect, and once people realize this, it frees them up to do recovery in the way that works for them, not in some way that they think they 'should' be doing :) It's a marathon, not a sprint :) And, imperfections are part of learning. Best wishes to you :)

I understand what you are saying nureowreck...but some of us can't work like that...

To me, having my ED was like having a spilt personality....two people inside of me, one which was clearly more over powering than the other, I think the main reason I did what I did is because I was self harming...insted of cutting outside I was cutting inside (hope that makes sense). Punishment for not being good enough in other people's eys or my own when a lot of my family found out about my ED they didn't really get it and didn't really care, so...

Quote..

Watching you die cell by cell is agonizing- do you even care what you're doing to the rest of us watching you?

my answer was, no....and would still be no.

I am sorry that you had these things said to you or I am happy that you had these things said to you...sorry because they are harsh words....happy because they made you get help :)

I did this for me...nobody else, me and the main reason was becasue I wanted to be somebody...not just a disorder in a weak persons body..

I'm free and you know what....I have never felt more alone. I have nothing controlling me, I have nothing to control, I have nothing telling me what to eat, where to eat give me confidence, a 'buzz'.

I have nothing. and it makes me wonder if this is me or if having my ED made me a better and more confident person.

I'm not going to give up. I will find myself, find what I want and find who I am suppose to be in life and what I am suppose to do with my life and it's going to take a long time I know it. I turn 21 in 2 weeks, I want to be a happy and healthy woman.

but just for those people who work in the way that I do..

close your eyes and ask...

who am I?

:angel:

I understand completely about it being like having another personality- it was like another voice telling me what I could and couldn't eat/weigh/retain/etc. I get that very well.....

I guess my point with this is that it's never just about us= it effects those around us. I didn't realize how badly it scared my friends and co-workers (no family around). The things they said to me were harsh- I agree with that- but they were also being honest during a formal intervention (and when I came back and was stronger and apologized for putting them through what I did) to get me to go for help. By that time, my thinking was so messed up from starvation that they had to go for the jugular for me to even 'get it'.... and I'm guessing that there are girls and women here who 'get' those questions, and are scared to death, just like I was.

I'm not trying to sound mean- on the contrary, I care a lot. I don't know any of you, but we're are all related by this/these disorders- we're either in them, coming out of them, or making sure we don't go back.

I believe in recovery- and I believe it's always a possiblity that stress can push me (or anyone) back to the familiar disorder, if the addiction kicks in again. Starvation kicks out endorphins much like morphine- it makes eating feel bad- physiologically- not just emotionally. It's real- so many non-ED people say "just eat", but don't know how much it's going to be stressful and uncomfortable. For real. It's not just whining- I understand that.

That's why the fight to stay out is a big deal for me right now- I'm in over $22,000 in medical debt for medical issues (on disability) that Medicaid didn't cover, my medications (15/day) cause my appetite to be dead, and I have to fight to not go back to the thoughts that got me so sick so many times. I don't have another relapse in me. My body wouldn't make it. I have to keep that other voice silent.

So if I sound harsh, and like I'm disrespectful of others struggles, that's not it at all- even though I haven't engaged in active ED behaviors for 11 years, it's still a daily fight because of the medication. For a while, I had to insert a nasal tube for supplements, because of the medication effects- in my active ED days, I never would have done that, but my health is my primary concern- it's permanently damaged (some by the ED, some just because). Yet, there are so many ED triggers with the meds, that I have to be sure I'm safe from the grips of that mindset. I don't want to be a slave again.

Those questions didn't offend me- and aren't meant to offend anyone else- they were the hard questions that got my head out of my own stuff, and started to see what the effects were on others and myself... it's never just the one with the ED- there's a lot of collateral damage as well....

Again- no offense meant- if I didn't care, I wouldn't bother....

I realize this is a recovery board, but I can agree with both of your posts in some ways. I don't want to be sick. There have been times when something was wrong with me physically and the first thing I thought was "Its from the ED!" In both cases I was wrong, and was able to solve the physical problems easily. But when I thought they were ED related I became afraid. I don't want to do major, permanent damage to myself.

I also agree that I enjoy the confidence and buzz I get from being thin. When people stare at me they're probably disgusted, but I feel good thinking they're envious. I like the energy buzz too. I like being thin, not worrying if an outfit makes my butt look big, etc. After a restrictive week I feel I've accomplished something. If I eat too much (or too bad) I feel like a failure. The guilt and self-blame is all consuming.

I don't like the obsessive thoughts and panic attacks if I gain a lb. Worrying that I may have to eat at a restaurant with colleagues that doesn't have lite enough foods. Freaking out if I have to work late and can't make it to the gym.

What do I want to be remembered for? I take pride in my work ethic. I'm proud that I've had the same job for a long time and have consistently good reviews. However, my boss said if I slip up or get sick from not eating he can force me to take sick leave.

I'm not concerned about family/friends as I have few of them. I guess I just want to be remembered as a competent, independent person. My answer doesn't really make much sense, does it?

Yeah, it makes sense in light of the disorder, though it's really great that you've got a good work ethic- it's hard to find that these days. A lot of people think they have great work ethics, but constantly talk negatively about the place they work at, complain about their work, etc..... they might keep showing up, but others want to blow up the want ads, and leave copies around their work area !! :)

The health problems don't just show up- they build up without being detectable, and then they're there to stay-- at least mine were. You don't always get the chance to backtrack, and make things better.

I remember having similar feelings about getting through a week of restricting, but it was the starvation kicking out those endorphins to protect me. Once I got regular nutrition back into my body, the obsessions stopped. It was amazing. It validated so much about what I read about the Keyes study done after WWII about the effects of starvation- the behaviors are a result of starvation- and therefore the behaviors are reversible. It wasn't much fun for the first while (missing the endorphins), but it got easier, and eventually, it was just 'gone'. Health became primary. It was really amazing, that I didn't have to do more to want that- it just happened. And, I'd been sent off to treatment after an intervention, and in order to get my job back, I had to be stable. I had some rocky times initially, but I did get that job back, and proved I wanted that more than my ED- I think that's a big thing- there has to be something more important than the ED in someones' life. Or giving it up seems pointless, and that's really sad.