I am hoping I can get some help with this. I have a 4 yr. old daughter (her b-day is today!). She absolutely FREAKS out when mom or dad are not within sight. We even tell her where we are going, i.e. "mommy is going to put the trash outside in the barrel". She will say ok, and the FREAK when we leave the room. She won't sleep alone. She will wait up until 11 pm if she has to to have mom or dad sleep with her. My two year old son is completely normal, but he is starting to learn her habits. If he can't see me, he'll call "mommy!" as loud as he can, but at least he doesn't have a complete meltdown like my daughter. He goes to bed fine, too. I can just ask him to go to bed and he will. Has anyone ever experienced a child like my daughter? If so--how did you solve the problem? I really try to be nice about it but it's hard when I can never have a second alone. Even in the bathroom. Also, she has JUST started to have seperation anxiety when I leave her at daycare. She's been going since she was two and has not had a problem until now. What gives??

I would appreciate any advice.

Not to sound offensive or anything, but do you think something may have happened at daycare to make her act like this? Like you said, she has been going there since she was two and her anxiety there has just started. Have you talked to the person/people in charge there to see if they know anything? Have you sat down with you daughter and tried talking to her?

My daughter went through the not wanting to go to bed phase when she was 2. It got to the point where I had to put a gate up in her doorway and let her cry it out. I would check on her, but I wanted to get the point across that she had a bedtime and when I tucked her in that was it, no more getting out of bed. I must have done that for a week or two until she finally realized that she wasn't getting out. Some may say what I did was cruel, but it had to be done.

You're daughter is old enough to start getting the concept of privacy and you coming back. Start off small, like for example when you go to the bathroom. Tell her you need your privacy and explain what that is. Let her sit outside the door if she has to but lock the door and not let her in. She may scream but she has to understand that you need privacy in the bathroom. Start off small and work your way up. Try to keep things routine and predictable. Remember, you are the one who sets the tone for your household. She will do what she can get away with.

The fact that she is old enough to know that her parents are not disappearing and the basic concept of privacy really leads to believe that something happened to her. I urge you to sit down with her one and one and just talk about anything that comes to her mind. She may surprise you with what she comes out with. Also, talk to daycare and anybody else who is around her regularly.

My son is the same way. He's 4-and-a-half, and it began a few months ago. He's always been easily frightened and somewhat timid (the only toddler at the park to never go on the slide), but he's aslo gregarious, exuberant, and friendly. I tried to see what external things might have caused this sudden, intense seperation anxiety, and there were maybe a few things that I can point to, but I don't really think they caused this. I don't have any problems w/his sleeping, but that's partly b'cuz he sleeps with his 2-yr-old sister, and I've always been adamant about bedtime and staying in bed.
My recommendation is to do some research. I found a book at the library called "Help For Worried Kids", by Cynthia G. Last. She does a good job explaining what fears are normal for which ages and---altho' I haven't read this far yet---presumably has solutions to deal with it. Anyway, you're not alone. Good luck!

Maybe because she has no experience/confidence being by herself?

Maybe because she has no experience/confidence being by herself?

Hi Sannah,

Thanks for the reply. I don't know what the problem is. I work full time. She went to my mom's for the first two years, and to a structured daycare since then. I took the advice of the previous poster and asked her if anything had ever happened to her to make her scared or if anyone had touched her inappropriately. She said no and was oblivious when I asked her, so I do believe her. I wonder if I may have caused this. I am just in love with my kids. They are so cute--I could just eat them up. I am a wicked cuddler. I am always hugging them and telling them how much I love them. Maybe I need to back off a bit. Maybe I am inadvertantly teaching them to be too reliant on me? I wanted to make them know that I love them, but maybe i've overdone it? I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't!!

Christine

Hey Christine, I have my own stories to tell! One thing I know for sure is that parents frequently give their children what they didn't have. I didn't get too much attention from my parents. I know when my children poop! Anyway, do you think that something like this might be going on?

Hi Sannah,

Who knows. It seems like all parents do the best they know how to and the kids still wind up with baggage. I was never really given alot of attention as a kid, either. I was the oldest of four, so I was expected to help. Forget any attention other than that. Maybe Steph's symptoms are from me smothering her. Don't get me wrong, it's not extreme, but they certainly know I love them. Once in awhile my husband and I have a fight that spills out in front of her. I bet that's it!! She's probably scared one of us will leave or something. I feel like a terrible person!!

hey now, don't be laying THAT guilt trip on yourself!
Everyone argues sometimes, the important thing is that you show how to argue appropriately (no name calling etc). Disagreements are a part of life and she is going to have to get used to that too.
I'm not sure what to tell you, but hang in there and just do the next right thing.

Christine, I agree, we all do the best that we can and if we cause some issues just change your tactics. Kids are really resilient! I have made many mistakes with my children and I keep the guilt at bay because I didn't do it on purpose! Thank God I was aware and realized and changed. This is what counts! It is actually okay to argue in front of your children because then they learn that people can disagree and then they work it out. Children shouldn't be shielded from life.

One value that I use raising my children is that my job is to prepare them for life so this means that they need to learn some independence (age appropriate of course!). When children learn how to do age appropriate things by themselves they gain confidence.

Hey Christine,
It's funny you should mention all the cuddling you give your kids, 'cuz I DO THE SAME THING! And, if you'll remember, I likewise have a 4-yr-old with rampant seperation anxiety. Huh. Could be a coincidence, but it's pretty interesting....

Hi Ohgoodness, of course I have brought my childhood issues into my parenting. The measuring stick that I always use when thinking about any behavior is who am I doing it for? IMO, when you are raising children your behaviors need to be for them. Are you doing excessive cuddling for your own needs or theirs? IMO if a mom is doing excessive cuddling for her own needs she is also doing other things in this parent/child relationship for her own needs and these will affect the child in some way. Childrearing needs to be done for the child's needs. We need to meet our needs in another realm. Throw the guilt out the door, we are doing the best we can!