hey there - i have been trying so hard not to let my recent train of unfortunate events allow my ED to grow stronger again but it is and i cant stop it, my boyfriend and i of 2 years broke up and im trying to hard to not take it personally but all i can think of its all ED's fault and if i was better this would never have happened ive lost my heart because i let ED have it, i feel like all the work i did against ED was not good enough, that im still not good enough..i also crashed and wrote off my car and with no savings due to spending excessive amounts on food im having to live back at my mums house which is very hard cos they are watching me all the time - it helps being watched but at the same time its made it so clear how bad its gotten as im being so sneaky and planning ways i can binge and purge without being caught! at this very point in time i just feel like ive been working so so so hard for over a year now but whenever something happens that takes my focus off ED it just takes control again..my mind is being consumed with those ridiculous thoughts [removed] im seeing fat in the mirror again and im having those horrible mood swings again! im terrified that this is going to keep happening to me! i want so badly to show everybody that i am better than this and i was i really was and now i feel like its slipping away so quickly that i cant grab hold of it and im becoming this horrible anxious ED consumed shell! i love life and im so scared of what im doing to my body my teeth feel weird now, my bones in my knees especially feel like they are grinding together when i exercise, ive had my period for 3 weeks apprently cos i have no bacteria in my gut to absorb my pill! and yet i see all these things happening and i hate them I HATE IT but still do it! i just want to get back to beating it cos i know im better than this im so confused atm im very sorry for rambling i guess ive been trying to be so positive and in a way lying to myself that its not getting that bad again but i cant it just hurts me so much that ive lost everything and all i have is this ED that wont even let me have my mind or proper happiness for a whole day! i just want to be BEC again just bec no more ed no more hurting i just want my old bubberly happy confident self back! i dont expect anyone to reply i guess i just needed to ask for help a hand to hold for tonight - but il keep fighting cos thats what we do! im just having a broken moment.