matt1243
09-06-2007, 04:23 PM
well, where do i start....,this has some vulgarness, and a bit of sexual content in it, i apologize if this offends anybody :(.
when i was little about 7 or 8, i guess is when my OCD started, when i was in school, something would tell me if i didnt read books the right way, i would have a miserable time on the weekend, when i went and visited my mother.
so i always did it, then it progressed to touching light switchs so many times,touching things, walking so many times, counting alot,..., and then i went through a faze where i wrote everything down that i ever thought of because i feared of forgetting it..., the "voice", not really a voice but like something in the back of my head, i always felt like if i didnt do these things id feel miserable, then finally,
2weeks before christmas when i was 11 or so, i broke down and starting crying to my dad because i had no idea what was wrong with me...., and wanted it to stop..., i ended up going to a psychitrist i beleive thats what it was, and after i stopped going to him it got better and better until it disapeared, but its slowly been creeping back...,
this summer im 17 now, it was very bad, i got into bodybuilding, and feltlike if i didnt lift a certain way, then id feel crummy, drove me nuts, but i knew i had to fight it, then after that, it was like the OCD found new ways to get under my skin..., i remember measuring my bicep and my OCD would kick in, and id never stop thinking about it, like my OCD was accusing me of lieing or something i cant explain it, so i finally gave in, and remeasured it, then left that alone...was ok for a phew weeks, then it hit again.. this is the hardest its ever hit me...............,
since im into bodybuilding, id be looking at bodybuilders, mostly men and i dont know how it started but my OCD kicked in, and was basically saying "your gay",
now im not bashing gay people, or anything, ive always been comfortable with my sexuality, im straight, but this just got under my skin, id ignore the thoughts, and or reassure myself by saying over and over in my head "im not gay" to a point where it was raceing with the chants "im not gay",
that worked, then the OCD kicked in again!, the new reason it would use would be if like a guy walked by, and my penis moved at all, while he was walking by, any kind of tingling,feeling, anything, the ocd would basically be like "your gay, for real", ... that "for real", hit me hard..., because i know im not gay, i dont have any problems with gay people, but that just got under my skin to the point where ive been fighting the thoughts off for 3-4weeks now, but if i dont say "im not gay" over n over in my head when they pop up, and ignore them,
they start to take a tole on me, and almost to the point where i question my sexuality... its soooo dumb...., men dont even turn me on, :(, im going to tell my dad today when he gets home that i want to go back to the psy., this needs to end, anybody have any opinons/support :(?
when i was little about 7 or 8, i guess is when my OCD started, when i was in school, something would tell me if i didnt read books the right way, i would have a miserable time on the weekend, when i went and visited my mother.
so i always did it, then it progressed to touching light switchs so many times,touching things, walking so many times, counting alot,..., and then i went through a faze where i wrote everything down that i ever thought of because i feared of forgetting it..., the "voice", not really a voice but like something in the back of my head, i always felt like if i didnt do these things id feel miserable, then finally,
2weeks before christmas when i was 11 or so, i broke down and starting crying to my dad because i had no idea what was wrong with me...., and wanted it to stop..., i ended up going to a psychitrist i beleive thats what it was, and after i stopped going to him it got better and better until it disapeared, but its slowly been creeping back...,
this summer im 17 now, it was very bad, i got into bodybuilding, and feltlike if i didnt lift a certain way, then id feel crummy, drove me nuts, but i knew i had to fight it, then after that, it was like the OCD found new ways to get under my skin..., i remember measuring my bicep and my OCD would kick in, and id never stop thinking about it, like my OCD was accusing me of lieing or something i cant explain it, so i finally gave in, and remeasured it, then left that alone...was ok for a phew weeks, then it hit again.. this is the hardest its ever hit me...............,
since im into bodybuilding, id be looking at bodybuilders, mostly men and i dont know how it started but my OCD kicked in, and was basically saying "your gay",
now im not bashing gay people, or anything, ive always been comfortable with my sexuality, im straight, but this just got under my skin, id ignore the thoughts, and or reassure myself by saying over and over in my head "im not gay" to a point where it was raceing with the chants "im not gay",
that worked, then the OCD kicked in again!, the new reason it would use would be if like a guy walked by, and my penis moved at all, while he was walking by, any kind of tingling,feeling, anything, the ocd would basically be like "your gay, for real", ... that "for real", hit me hard..., because i know im not gay, i dont have any problems with gay people, but that just got under my skin to the point where ive been fighting the thoughts off for 3-4weeks now, but if i dont say "im not gay" over n over in my head when they pop up, and ignore them,
they start to take a tole on me, and almost to the point where i question my sexuality... its soooo dumb...., men dont even turn me on, :(, im going to tell my dad today when he gets home that i want to go back to the psy., this needs to end, anybody have any opinons/support :(?
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jul747
09-06-2007, 06:57 PM
everything that you are experiencing is so common for us with ocd.........you are doing the best thing by going back to get some professional help..i know that its hard but fight the demon..........
matt1243
09-06-2007, 07:06 PM
:), thanks for your support i will continue to fight the demon..... i called my dad earlier, and hes happy i told him about it, hes proud that i stepped up, im being scheduled to go get help again next week.
seaturtle
09-06-2007, 08:21 PM
Good for you! I am so glad you're taking care of yourself by going into counseling again.
Kathrin74
09-07-2007, 02:27 PM
I could relate to a lot of the childhood obsessions you wrote about.
I can especially relate to the fear of "I won't feel good then". It's weird somehow, how we think there is some way we caqn make things perfect for us, isn't it? Like, if I do this and that, everything will be ok. But if I don't do it, then I will feel anxious all the time and maybe I will never be happy again... That has been one of my biggest fears, the fear of fear itself...
I don't know if I am making sense?
The "gay" fears, that is such a common OCD one, you can be assured that it doesn't mean anything about your sexuality (or, if anything, it means that you are definitely not gay, because otherwise the OCD wouldn't choose that to taunt you!).
I am so glad that you talked to your Dad and are going to get help again. Today there is so much that can be done for OCD. Make sure you don't go to a psychoanalytic therapy though. That doesn't work for OCD. It needs to be cognitive-behavioral therapy.
Medication helps too. Has helped me a lot.
I am especially glad that your Dad is so supportive!
Thumbs up!
Kathrin
I can especially relate to the fear of "I won't feel good then". It's weird somehow, how we think there is some way we caqn make things perfect for us, isn't it? Like, if I do this and that, everything will be ok. But if I don't do it, then I will feel anxious all the time and maybe I will never be happy again... That has been one of my biggest fears, the fear of fear itself...
I don't know if I am making sense?
The "gay" fears, that is such a common OCD one, you can be assured that it doesn't mean anything about your sexuality (or, if anything, it means that you are definitely not gay, because otherwise the OCD wouldn't choose that to taunt you!).
I am so glad that you talked to your Dad and are going to get help again. Today there is so much that can be done for OCD. Make sure you don't go to a psychoanalytic therapy though. That doesn't work for OCD. It needs to be cognitive-behavioral therapy.
Medication helps too. Has helped me a lot.
I am especially glad that your Dad is so supportive!
Thumbs up!
Kathrin
matt1243
09-07-2007, 03:17 PM
thanks! yeah, also i think i know part of the problem, i have been on lipo6 (fat burner), all summer, and it says that it can cause depression, which, in my case doesnt stack well with OCD but im still going to a psychologist, because i wanna know how to deal with this if it keeps happening.