trg247
09-13-2007, 02:55 AM
What I thought this section was for I guess is wrong. I am diagnosed with severe Major Depressive Disorder with Psycotic features, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. Right now I take Effexor, Wellbutrin, Remeron, Lithium and Temazapam. I deal with high levels of paranoia and will self harm when everything becomes to much. I had a rough childhood with every type of abuse possible by multiple parties. All of stresses, emotion, feelings and whatever I pushed down way inside. About five years ago my father died, my grandfather died, I graduated from college, moved to a new town, got married and started a stressfull career and I continued to push everything down and not deal with what was happening around me. I started to get sick a lot from stress and then my wife and I had a baby. About two years ago for whatever the reason my lid came off and everything came flying out. I spent two months in a mental hospital where they tried to get my meds regulated and I underwent ECT. I got out of the hospital and a few months later my wife left with our child. Its been about a year since that happen. My risk factor for suicide is way up there, I deal with suicidal ideations on a daily basis, it is a constant battle to get up to do anything. On a emotion basis I don't feel anything which ends up leading to self harm. I have tried therapy but for whatever the reason they are not equipped to deal with someone like me so I stopped looking. Right now the goal is to get to tomorrow. With depression especially severe depression you have to force yourself to do everything and if you don't the depression gets worse. I am 33 and I need to tell myself what to do like I am a child or else I will not do it. I have to tell myself to eat, to go to bed, to shower and to leave the house for part of me would never get out of the bed unless I was forced too. I am going on two years dealing with this outbreak if you will and to be honest not much has changed from the beginning. The pills make it possible to get out of bed and to fall asleep at night they are useless for everything else.
take care
trg247
take care
trg247
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trg247
11-05-2007, 11:31 PM
as my nightmare continues...
I checked back into the hospital as I was in a world of hell, loss control over self harm and was just tired of it all. They try ECT agian but this time I stop breathing so that option is right gone, I came off of Wellbutrin, Remeron, Effexor within a ten day to week period to get ready for a new class of drug MAOI. I am also borderline which according to the doctor hinders any progress I make with the depression as my so called personality guards the gates too tightly. I want to get better and I need to get better but the system and my brain are making it very difficult. So now I am back home because I feel safer and hoping my anxiety rates will drop down as they were going through the roof. Now I am on a high dose of Seroquel a couple of times a day to slow down the voice in my head, my thought patterns and what have you until Nardil has a chance to jump in to make an effect. The nightmares are brutal, the flashbacks are intense and it seems everytime I turn around a new idea of suicide jumps into my head. Who the hell did I piss off in a past life to deserve this? It has to get better because I am way beyond as low as I can go. Everytime I think I am taking the right positive step it blows up in my face
trg247
I checked back into the hospital as I was in a world of hell, loss control over self harm and was just tired of it all. They try ECT agian but this time I stop breathing so that option is right gone, I came off of Wellbutrin, Remeron, Effexor within a ten day to week period to get ready for a new class of drug MAOI. I am also borderline which according to the doctor hinders any progress I make with the depression as my so called personality guards the gates too tightly. I want to get better and I need to get better but the system and my brain are making it very difficult. So now I am back home because I feel safer and hoping my anxiety rates will drop down as they were going through the roof. Now I am on a high dose of Seroquel a couple of times a day to slow down the voice in my head, my thought patterns and what have you until Nardil has a chance to jump in to make an effect. The nightmares are brutal, the flashbacks are intense and it seems everytime I turn around a new idea of suicide jumps into my head. Who the hell did I piss off in a past life to deserve this? It has to get better because I am way beyond as low as I can go. Everytime I think I am taking the right positive step it blows up in my face
trg247
anders15
11-18-2007, 01:50 AM
Hey hang in there. I too suffer from anxiety and depression and it is a world of hell. Just be tough, have faith, and trust in god. He is the real cure to this all.
PurpleRose
02-01-2008, 09:39 PM
TRG, I've been reading your posts during the past month (I just joined a month ago) on the depression site, but this is the first time I saw your two posts here (from Sept. and Nov.) and I feel like I understand you better now--or understand where you're coming from. I feel very similar ways too, and I know it's hard to deal with. I too am plagued with my thoughts. It's a terrible way to live. I am so sorry your wife left you and took your baby. That must have been devastating. I feel your pain. I'm glad this Board is here for us all. I haven't posted my depression story yet. Every time I try, I just can't. I'm afraid.
Delilah5576
02-06-2008, 05:01 AM
TRG first let me say what is going on with you should never have to happen to anyone on this earth, and I am so sorry you are going through this.
trg247
02-11-2008, 07:49 PM
I guess I should update this as it has been awhile. I am approaching my third year anniversary of the time I had my nervous breakdown which led to the situation I am currently occupying. Not much has changed in the last few months Nardil I guess was working to a certain level but no where near what I had hoped for. It was stopped due to the drug interactions and my need to get some dental work done and like usual I paid dearly for that decision. I am trying to figure out whether I am actually still fighting the depression or I have resigned to the fact this is how my life will be from now on so I might as well get used to it. I still keep track of my moods to discover any patters but I am really not sure why I continue to do this. Therapy has hit a dead end as the Borderline aspect has kept all of the so called mental health professionals away as I am deemed to difficult to treat so apparently there is different levels of being mentally unwell and if you pass a certain line your pretty much outcast. I still put effort forward trying to figure out my own head and to see if I can make sense out of it as I guess from a professional standpoint I am alone in this fight. When I first became ill I thought with enough work by me and the help of local community resources it would not take long to get back to where I thought I wanted to be but close to three years later I understand my illness to a much higher degree but I am no closer to that original goal. My favorite saying as of late is severe depression is like walking on water either you force yourself to move forward or else your going to drown. Well I am moving the problem though is its in circles.
take care
trg247
take care
trg247
Pri Lily
02-13-2008, 02:08 PM
Therapy has hit a dead end as the Borderline aspect has kept all of the so called mental health professionals away as I am deemed to difficult to treat so apparently there is different levels of being mentally unwell and if you pass a certain line your pretty much outcast. I still put effort forward trying to figure out my own head and to see if I can make sense out of it as I guess from a professional standpoint I am alone in this fight. When I first became ill I thought with enough work by me and the help of local community resources it would not take long to get back to where I thought I wanted to be but close to three years later I understand my illness to a much higher degree but I am no closer to that original goal. My favorite saying as of late is severe depression is like walking on water either you force yourself to move forward or else your going to drown. Well I am moving the problem though is its in circles.
I remembered a discussion I had with my Psyche in the hospital.....he told me that borderline is resistant to therapy, that not too much can be done in the way of medication, and that this is the reason that the mortality rate for borderline is so high. I must have looked terrified of something, because that's when he offered me the privileges to the Doctor's library.
I feel like I have come a long way, but I'm not cured...I don't think I'll live long enough to undo the damage that was done.
Your original goal was planned, before you had the understanding. Now that you understand, the original goal maybe isn't feasible.
You don't just walk away from a breakdown unscathed. Resources are lost. Physical, and mental resources.
Jan
I remembered a discussion I had with my Psyche in the hospital.....he told me that borderline is resistant to therapy, that not too much can be done in the way of medication, and that this is the reason that the mortality rate for borderline is so high. I must have looked terrified of something, because that's when he offered me the privileges to the Doctor's library.
I feel like I have come a long way, but I'm not cured...I don't think I'll live long enough to undo the damage that was done.
Your original goal was planned, before you had the understanding. Now that you understand, the original goal maybe isn't feasible.
You don't just walk away from a breakdown unscathed. Resources are lost. Physical, and mental resources.
Jan
2littleangels
04-22-2008, 06:47 PM
I am sorry you are going through this... please update us again... I fight with myself in my head a lot... with my thoughts I mean. Hang In There
trg247
04-26-2008, 01:05 AM
There really is not much of an update. At the moment I am taking Seroquel three times a day at 100mg per dose plus an additional 50mg when needed. My depression ranges from being almost annoying to days when I spent all my time trying to combat the negative thoughts that are racing through my brain. The only positive thing is I have used my illness in a way that reaches out and helps people understand what it is like when your living with concurrent mental disorders.
One of the hardest parts of dealing with depression is there is no certainty in when it is going to finally go away, the medication is a crap shoot that may bring relief or it may cause more problems. Also the system that is in place in my country is not meant for people with my level of illness so I seem to spend a lot of time battling the health care system and trying to make sure i do not slide through the cracks.
I am not going to throw in the towel and just give up for I know the damage it will have on my sons life and for now that is the reason that will keep me going along with the hope that by somehow revealing my soul it will help someone else in their fight against mental illness.
take care
trg247
One of the hardest parts of dealing with depression is there is no certainty in when it is going to finally go away, the medication is a crap shoot that may bring relief or it may cause more problems. Also the system that is in place in my country is not meant for people with my level of illness so I seem to spend a lot of time battling the health care system and trying to make sure i do not slide through the cracks.
I am not going to throw in the towel and just give up for I know the damage it will have on my sons life and for now that is the reason that will keep me going along with the hope that by somehow revealing my soul it will help someone else in their fight against mental illness.
take care
trg247