eccentric123
09-13-2007, 04:09 AM
I don’t know where to start.
I guess the earliest I can remember.
Ill try to keep it brief.
I am a 23 y/o female law student, 115 pds, 5’4.
I was molested by my grandfather from the age I was 5 til I was 9 years old.
I had rare leg disease which left my crippled during those years. Dr.s said I would never be able to walk again normally.. or without a leg brace, ever.
But I did. and do.
When I was 9 - dont laugh - I woke up and saw Jesus, who touched my leg.
After that I could walk perfectly & ran a marathon last year.
During those years, my parents (whom I now adore) were alcoholics and extremely psychically/psychologically abusive to one another for years.
My dad did drugs, went to jail, had tons of mistresses’ had DUI’s, broke my moms jaw…all before I was the age of 15.
My mom self-medicated herself with booze, and became anorexic.
No one knew about my grandfather’s molestation of me.
When I was 16 I attempted to kill myself – bottle of Tylenol & ¾ bottle of vodka.
Didn’t work – was just hospitalized for a week & went to 5150 72hr hold @ a mental hospital. Was diagnosed prozac, did not take it.
I was extremely sexually active. I have had over 50 partners to date, 40 of which were from when i was 14 y/o-17 y/o.
Most were older men.
I was always very attractive, California blonde bombshell, tan, skinny, smart, 4.0 GPA, captain of everything, really involved, friendly, social, outgoing. No one knew my inner struggles, I internalize everything.
Flash forward 4 years later. Undergrad was fine… a lot of socialization…tons of fun. By senior year of college I was applying to law school. Started feeling a little crazy again.
Developed bulimia- it has stayed with me since. Sometimes as often as 3 times a day, sometimes only once a week. Those weeks are good weeks. Saw a psychologist 3 times last year but was too impatient, I hated talking about my problems. I just want to cut to the chase and get the problem over with.
Decided to go to a school in NY instead of staying in CA.
Now I am in my second year, and am still in NY- met someone when I first moved here and I love him tremendously. The big problem is that I want to move back to CA but I am torn b/c I cannot leave him, and he is in medical residency here, ironic how he is a Dr…. so he cannot move back to CA.
I don’t know what to do. I have been feeling the craziest I have ever felt now than ever. I don’t have health insurance so I cant see anybody. I keep buying over the counter stuff such as Cortisol, or St. Johns Wort, or other items that claim to be “Positive Mood Elevators” and it seems to work for a little, but then I just feel crazy again.
At nighttime it gets really bad. I sleep maybe 4 hours a day. Sleep @ around 4-5am and wake up at 9. I never thought I could be bipolar, but I am starting to think that I am. I have been having social anxiety too. No one can see it, b/c I “appear” social- I am part of organizations, have friends, have a b/f and such, I just hate doing things w/people at law school b/c I don’t really like them.
I like being with my b/f he makes me happy.
i hate law school. I hate the stress, the anxiety, the pressure, and above all I hate the fact that I do not have a job yet for summer of 2008. that really stresses me out. I hate that I miss my family, I feel as though I am dwelling on my old life, dwelling on the past, wishing I could change things which I cannot. I wish I could rewind and change things.
I have really bad mood swings, I am snappy, irritable and cry for absolutely no reason. I have a terrible ulcer which is obviously caused from the throwing up, which I am trying to stop. Every time I do it I tell myself, okay, this is the last time I am going to throw up, and next time I will stop myself when I am binging.
But of course, when I feel the binge coming on, I cant stop. I just chow down the oreos, peanut butter, milk: everything, til I cannot anymore. Then I throw up. And feel relieved. Weigh myself in the morning: 115pds. Perfect. Nothing happened. Im fine. I say. I wont do it again. But I do. Then for a week ill graze on healthy snacks, run, workout, and then a week later ill binge, and throw up. Its been less recently bc of the ulcer. It hurts too damn much to throw up.
Recently ive felt a little suicidal. Like I don’t want to live. Like I hate dealing with this stuff. I just want to hide in under a rock. I dont want to face up to things I wish I would have done differently, like being top of my class, being on law review, being at a better law school, doing better on my LSAT, being in CA, having a job for the summer. Even though I have won many trial competitions and am a great trial attorney I want to be perfect. I am a total perfectionist. I don’t know whats wrong with me. I just want to be normal, like I was in 2003. life hasn’t felt that way since my sophomore year of college, when I was Social Chair of my sorority, a hooters girl, gogo dancer & model.
What is wrong with me – What can I do.
I don’t like medication. Oh, and if you are wondering. I have “experimented” w/cocaine, E, & weed when I was 18 & 19. Tried adderol twice last year. And I really really like coffee & caffeine containing drinks.
also. i have to yawn before meals. this started 8 months ago. before i eat, whether it is cracker, chicken salad - not beverages- just food. i have to yawn. if i dont yawn, i cant eat/enjoy the food. if i yawn/once i yawn i can eat, and im fine.
I cant concentrate. unless i absolutely have to. iam good at multi tasking. i hace scattered racing thoughts about nothingness. i cant sleep unless my dishes are cleaned. ok thats enough for now. help!!!! thank you.:confused:
I guess the earliest I can remember.
Ill try to keep it brief.
I am a 23 y/o female law student, 115 pds, 5’4.
I was molested by my grandfather from the age I was 5 til I was 9 years old.
I had rare leg disease which left my crippled during those years. Dr.s said I would never be able to walk again normally.. or without a leg brace, ever.
But I did. and do.
When I was 9 - dont laugh - I woke up and saw Jesus, who touched my leg.
After that I could walk perfectly & ran a marathon last year.
During those years, my parents (whom I now adore) were alcoholics and extremely psychically/psychologically abusive to one another for years.
My dad did drugs, went to jail, had tons of mistresses’ had DUI’s, broke my moms jaw…all before I was the age of 15.
My mom self-medicated herself with booze, and became anorexic.
No one knew about my grandfather’s molestation of me.
When I was 16 I attempted to kill myself – bottle of Tylenol & ¾ bottle of vodka.
Didn’t work – was just hospitalized for a week & went to 5150 72hr hold @ a mental hospital. Was diagnosed prozac, did not take it.
I was extremely sexually active. I have had over 50 partners to date, 40 of which were from when i was 14 y/o-17 y/o.
Most were older men.
I was always very attractive, California blonde bombshell, tan, skinny, smart, 4.0 GPA, captain of everything, really involved, friendly, social, outgoing. No one knew my inner struggles, I internalize everything.
Flash forward 4 years later. Undergrad was fine… a lot of socialization…tons of fun. By senior year of college I was applying to law school. Started feeling a little crazy again.
Developed bulimia- it has stayed with me since. Sometimes as often as 3 times a day, sometimes only once a week. Those weeks are good weeks. Saw a psychologist 3 times last year but was too impatient, I hated talking about my problems. I just want to cut to the chase and get the problem over with.
Decided to go to a school in NY instead of staying in CA.
Now I am in my second year, and am still in NY- met someone when I first moved here and I love him tremendously. The big problem is that I want to move back to CA but I am torn b/c I cannot leave him, and he is in medical residency here, ironic how he is a Dr…. so he cannot move back to CA.
I don’t know what to do. I have been feeling the craziest I have ever felt now than ever. I don’t have health insurance so I cant see anybody. I keep buying over the counter stuff such as Cortisol, or St. Johns Wort, or other items that claim to be “Positive Mood Elevators” and it seems to work for a little, but then I just feel crazy again.
At nighttime it gets really bad. I sleep maybe 4 hours a day. Sleep @ around 4-5am and wake up at 9. I never thought I could be bipolar, but I am starting to think that I am. I have been having social anxiety too. No one can see it, b/c I “appear” social- I am part of organizations, have friends, have a b/f and such, I just hate doing things w/people at law school b/c I don’t really like them.
I like being with my b/f he makes me happy.
i hate law school. I hate the stress, the anxiety, the pressure, and above all I hate the fact that I do not have a job yet for summer of 2008. that really stresses me out. I hate that I miss my family, I feel as though I am dwelling on my old life, dwelling on the past, wishing I could change things which I cannot. I wish I could rewind and change things.
I have really bad mood swings, I am snappy, irritable and cry for absolutely no reason. I have a terrible ulcer which is obviously caused from the throwing up, which I am trying to stop. Every time I do it I tell myself, okay, this is the last time I am going to throw up, and next time I will stop myself when I am binging.
But of course, when I feel the binge coming on, I cant stop. I just chow down the oreos, peanut butter, milk: everything, til I cannot anymore. Then I throw up. And feel relieved. Weigh myself in the morning: 115pds. Perfect. Nothing happened. Im fine. I say. I wont do it again. But I do. Then for a week ill graze on healthy snacks, run, workout, and then a week later ill binge, and throw up. Its been less recently bc of the ulcer. It hurts too damn much to throw up.
Recently ive felt a little suicidal. Like I don’t want to live. Like I hate dealing with this stuff. I just want to hide in under a rock. I dont want to face up to things I wish I would have done differently, like being top of my class, being on law review, being at a better law school, doing better on my LSAT, being in CA, having a job for the summer. Even though I have won many trial competitions and am a great trial attorney I want to be perfect. I am a total perfectionist. I don’t know whats wrong with me. I just want to be normal, like I was in 2003. life hasn’t felt that way since my sophomore year of college, when I was Social Chair of my sorority, a hooters girl, gogo dancer & model.
What is wrong with me – What can I do.
I don’t like medication. Oh, and if you are wondering. I have “experimented” w/cocaine, E, & weed when I was 18 & 19. Tried adderol twice last year. And I really really like coffee & caffeine containing drinks.
also. i have to yawn before meals. this started 8 months ago. before i eat, whether it is cracker, chicken salad - not beverages- just food. i have to yawn. if i dont yawn, i cant eat/enjoy the food. if i yawn/once i yawn i can eat, and im fine.
I cant concentrate. unless i absolutely have to. iam good at multi tasking. i hace scattered racing thoughts about nothingness. i cant sleep unless my dishes are cleaned. ok thats enough for now. help!!!! thank you.:confused:
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rut105
09-13-2007, 04:23 PM
wow..there's so much i would like to say to you but i'll just start with the fact that you cannot move forward until you heal from the past. i have never struggled with anything like you..no abuse and my parents are still together and happy. i'm one of those cases where there is no explanation for my ocd and depression i am just this way. i too could fool by my appearance/attitude. outgoing,friendly, friends, great family, married to a great guy and have a great job. but inside has always been a struggle. i had an ulcer when i was 11 and have always been a worrier but it started getting worse as i got older. i graudated from college and was in a sorority as well and nobody ever thinks of me as being depressed. i have never liked mornings and i always have panic attacks but i didn't know what they were until i started getting help and researching. my obsessive thoughts and compulsions started getting worse in the past couple of years and it has been such a relief to find out that other people are going through this and there is a name to this problem i am going through. it was hard the first time i s/w a counselor but i started going to therapy some and zoloft started helping an extreme amount although i still struggle. i did not want to get on medication at all but now i am so happy i did. my husband does not understand what i am going through at all and i don't talk about it much to people. they know i'm "ocd" but it's more like a haha funny version than debilitating like it is to me. it is exhausting feeling this way and constantly feeling scared. i have highs and lows also. i just figured out that i suffer from scrupolosity(?)as well. sunday nights are also very hard for me. i thought i was going to keep this short but when you start it is sometimes hard to stop. i just want you to know that you are not alone and please do what you can to get some help and start your life that God has blessed you with. don't waste it and make something of yourself. if you hate law school then get out! life is too short to be so unappy. move back to your family and find something that you enjoy to do. you are not perfect and never will be. there is only one perfect being, GOD...i struggle with wanting everything to be in order and i have started to finally let that go albeit just a little...help others and you will help yourself. do not make a decision that is final to a tempory problem...you are here for a reason.
Kathrin74
09-13-2007, 05:23 PM
Hi Eccentric,
I consider myself to be eccentric too. I am almost 10 years older than you are, but most people probably guess I am in my early 20s... I am also skinny and I dress like a kid.;)
Anyway, being eccentric is one thing, of course, and suffering is a wayyy other thing. That is when psychologists would start talking about "disorder" (I got a BA in psych.)
Now it sounds like you are definitly suffering. The tilte of your post says that already.
You posted on the OCD board. You also mention depression and possible bipolar, difficulties concentrating, etc. Of course only a professional can properly evaluate you. I understand that the insurance thing is a problem. Is there a possibility that you can see somebody at a free clinic, a community health center, or something? Or at your school?? (I don't know much about law school.)
From my personal experience I can tell you that there have been times in my life when I was really overwhelmed by things (myself. My mind/brain). Severe OCD, probably depression. I went to talk therapy at the college I went to at the time, but it didn't help much. My faith has helped me (and talking about faith, I didn't laugh about the healing episode you describe. I think that was very beautiful. I believe in Jesus too.). Other people have helped me soemtimes. There were ups and downs (and yes me too I suspect some bipolar tendencies in me.) Oh, and I had anorexia too, that was when I was 18/19, with some tendencies possibly still going on.
I did finally decide to take medication (fortunately, I do have health insurance. I am from a country where there is mandatory health insurance. I was living in the US at the time though.) I started taking Porzac. It IS possible that my faith and my wish to "make this my miracle drug" were a big factor too. I kind of decided it would just HAVE TO work for me. The OCD had gotten so very very bad. I was just wearing myself down, living from anxiety to anxiety, compulsion to compulsion, or dragging myself along..
It did work. Still taking it now, ummm let me think... about 6 years later.
That was a big breakthrough.
Not saying medication is the only answer, or everybody's answer. (Plus, as I said, other factors came into play in my case too.) I do feel that you should try to see somebody. it sounds like you feel you are just barely holding on. And you have deserved help!!
The "not wanting to live" worries me. I hope your faith can help you here? If you feel suicidal, please talk to somebody IMMEDIATELY, call a telephone help line, even go to the ER if need be. While you're in the dark hole of depression it is difficult to see that there will be a way out again. Which can be dangerous. But it is not like there IS NO way out - there is.
Life can change in unexpected ways.
You are still very young. (And have gone through so much.:( ) I can so realte tot he pain of just "wanting to be like I was years ago" again. (And still, amybe during all those better years, as you say yourself, you just kept things bottled up.)
When I first started feeling better again after YEARS of just feeling myself sink down, afraid I would never feel really happy and free again - wow that felt so good, I even thought it had been worth all the dark times, because now I could appreciate what it felt to be... hmm, normal, in a way, whatever that means. being one of those people I had just watched, wishing i had a life like them...
Well, I do like to be eccentric. I am an artist, I write poetry, I play street music. So I don't think I am atr a point now where I want to be "just normal". (As I said, whatever that means.);)
But normal in the way of having peace of mind... of not feeling all that anxiety all the time... of not wearing myself our and being driven by compulsions... OH YES.
I am not saying I am over all that stuff and don't struggle at all anymore. I did have a quite severe case of OCD and often some thoughts in that direction still pop up. I didn't have much therapy.
But all in all I am happy with who I am now. I don't think I would want to trade my life. And I guess that must count for something.
I hope you can get help. And keep coming to the forum. I think this is a really good place.
(((((((HUGS))))))
Kathrin
I consider myself to be eccentric too. I am almost 10 years older than you are, but most people probably guess I am in my early 20s... I am also skinny and I dress like a kid.;)
Anyway, being eccentric is one thing, of course, and suffering is a wayyy other thing. That is when psychologists would start talking about "disorder" (I got a BA in psych.)
Now it sounds like you are definitly suffering. The tilte of your post says that already.
You posted on the OCD board. You also mention depression and possible bipolar, difficulties concentrating, etc. Of course only a professional can properly evaluate you. I understand that the insurance thing is a problem. Is there a possibility that you can see somebody at a free clinic, a community health center, or something? Or at your school?? (I don't know much about law school.)
From my personal experience I can tell you that there have been times in my life when I was really overwhelmed by things (myself. My mind/brain). Severe OCD, probably depression. I went to talk therapy at the college I went to at the time, but it didn't help much. My faith has helped me (and talking about faith, I didn't laugh about the healing episode you describe. I think that was very beautiful. I believe in Jesus too.). Other people have helped me soemtimes. There were ups and downs (and yes me too I suspect some bipolar tendencies in me.) Oh, and I had anorexia too, that was when I was 18/19, with some tendencies possibly still going on.
I did finally decide to take medication (fortunately, I do have health insurance. I am from a country where there is mandatory health insurance. I was living in the US at the time though.) I started taking Porzac. It IS possible that my faith and my wish to "make this my miracle drug" were a big factor too. I kind of decided it would just HAVE TO work for me. The OCD had gotten so very very bad. I was just wearing myself down, living from anxiety to anxiety, compulsion to compulsion, or dragging myself along..
It did work. Still taking it now, ummm let me think... about 6 years later.
That was a big breakthrough.
Not saying medication is the only answer, or everybody's answer. (Plus, as I said, other factors came into play in my case too.) I do feel that you should try to see somebody. it sounds like you feel you are just barely holding on. And you have deserved help!!
The "not wanting to live" worries me. I hope your faith can help you here? If you feel suicidal, please talk to somebody IMMEDIATELY, call a telephone help line, even go to the ER if need be. While you're in the dark hole of depression it is difficult to see that there will be a way out again. Which can be dangerous. But it is not like there IS NO way out - there is.
Life can change in unexpected ways.
You are still very young. (And have gone through so much.:( ) I can so realte tot he pain of just "wanting to be like I was years ago" again. (And still, amybe during all those better years, as you say yourself, you just kept things bottled up.)
When I first started feeling better again after YEARS of just feeling myself sink down, afraid I would never feel really happy and free again - wow that felt so good, I even thought it had been worth all the dark times, because now I could appreciate what it felt to be... hmm, normal, in a way, whatever that means. being one of those people I had just watched, wishing i had a life like them...
Well, I do like to be eccentric. I am an artist, I write poetry, I play street music. So I don't think I am atr a point now where I want to be "just normal". (As I said, whatever that means.);)
But normal in the way of having peace of mind... of not feeling all that anxiety all the time... of not wearing myself our and being driven by compulsions... OH YES.
I am not saying I am over all that stuff and don't struggle at all anymore. I did have a quite severe case of OCD and often some thoughts in that direction still pop up. I didn't have much therapy.
But all in all I am happy with who I am now. I don't think I would want to trade my life. And I guess that must count for something.
I hope you can get help. And keep coming to the forum. I think this is a really good place.
(((((((HUGS))))))
Kathrin
seaturtle
09-13-2007, 11:03 PM
Hello,
Ouch, you've been through so much. I have a quite similar background, also an ED and multiple other psychiatric problems. Like you, I have suffered incredibly, though I am much, much older than you are.
You must, must, get help. The trauma in your background is enormous. For myself, I needed to get therapy, and didn't get it until I'd been very ill with some OCD, severe anorexia, agoraphobia, anxiety and sometimes suicidal depression....on and on. As in above post, I absolutely need medication and therapy, probably for the rest of my life. But with those, my life is much better.
You can overcome a great deal; the strength it took for you to endure what's happened to you is huge.
Make geting help a first priority. Your law school must have counselors who either can help you or steer you to another source of help.
Don't despair. I know how it is to feel like just giving up, especially when you have multiple problems, plus pressure of school. I don't know where you're located, but if I can help in any way, please don't hesitate to ask. I think I really understand a great deal of what you've described - first-hand.
The large number of sexual partners, oh yes, and all older, yes again. That's from the early abuse.
Sweetie, please keep posting and let us know how we can help.
Reaching out to you,
Seaturtle
Ouch, you've been through so much. I have a quite similar background, also an ED and multiple other psychiatric problems. Like you, I have suffered incredibly, though I am much, much older than you are.
You must, must, get help. The trauma in your background is enormous. For myself, I needed to get therapy, and didn't get it until I'd been very ill with some OCD, severe anorexia, agoraphobia, anxiety and sometimes suicidal depression....on and on. As in above post, I absolutely need medication and therapy, probably for the rest of my life. But with those, my life is much better.
You can overcome a great deal; the strength it took for you to endure what's happened to you is huge.
Make geting help a first priority. Your law school must have counselors who either can help you or steer you to another source of help.
Don't despair. I know how it is to feel like just giving up, especially when you have multiple problems, plus pressure of school. I don't know where you're located, but if I can help in any way, please don't hesitate to ask. I think I really understand a great deal of what you've described - first-hand.
The large number of sexual partners, oh yes, and all older, yes again. That's from the early abuse.
Sweetie, please keep posting and let us know how we can help.
Reaching out to you,
Seaturtle
seriousperson
09-15-2007, 02:46 AM
eccentric123,
I just want to hold you like one of my daughters and let you cry on my shoulder.
It's tough for you not having health insurance. I hope you will soon. And I hope you find mental health professionals who can help you find a way past so much.
For now, I, like others on this board, can offer you virtual support.
Because this board has strict posting rules, it is a safe place to be.
Many of us have learned a lot about dealing with mental disorders, and we can share what works for us.
It sounds to me that California represents a place where you can go and hide from the stresses of life, but that in reality you have a valuable relationship in NY, but you are tormented by feelings of unworthiness because of your past and your eating disorder.
May you have someone to just hold you while all those negative thoughts and impulses ebb away.
hug:
((((((((())))))))))
:angel:
I just want to hold you like one of my daughters and let you cry on my shoulder.
It's tough for you not having health insurance. I hope you will soon. And I hope you find mental health professionals who can help you find a way past so much.
For now, I, like others on this board, can offer you virtual support.
Because this board has strict posting rules, it is a safe place to be.
Many of us have learned a lot about dealing with mental disorders, and we can share what works for us.
It sounds to me that California represents a place where you can go and hide from the stresses of life, but that in reality you have a valuable relationship in NY, but you are tormented by feelings of unworthiness because of your past and your eating disorder.
May you have someone to just hold you while all those negative thoughts and impulses ebb away.
hug:
((((((((())))))))))
:angel: