i am so confused! im an absolute mess! i have been trying to recover from my ED for about 12months now by seeing a therapist and attempting to change my eating but i feel like to be honest now iv gone nowhere...i thought for awhile i was making so much progress that i was on my way - i wasnt throwing up everyday actually no let me rephrase that i was throwing up everyday if i was able to (being left alone/ if time permitted) but was more than happy if i didnt get the chance to because i was sharing time with my friends and my boyfriend had just arrived back from overseas which was ahuge step for me as i would normally have massive anxiety attacks and try and worm my way out of any social situation so i could escape into my ED..but during this time i have upped my laxative intake without even conciously meaning to so really its not going anywhere...now things are getting really bad again, my boyfriend and i broke up after 2yrs together, ive written off my car and am having to live back home with my family and now ive damaged my knee somehow ive been to the physio and he said my muscles on one side of my knee havent been toning while the otherside has with all the gym work i do and its pulling my knee out of place so im currently tapped up and unable to go to the gym (havent been for 2 weeks argh!!!) and ED is running wild!..see im confused though i feel more confident and happy and i know exactly what my ED is doing and all the info under the sun about this disorder but yet i cant stop it!...i had a goal weight to stick at and i did maintain it for about 6weeks but now im wanting/ trying to loose weight again, im having anxiety attacks, im binging and purging and dangerously restricting again and my weight is now [removed] below my maintainance weight which is still underweight in itself! my family sat me down last weekend and said since ive been staying with them the last few weeks they have seen how im slipping and how bad things really are with this and they said if i dont do something now and we get me real help they are going to take me to a clinic where im 110% certain i will go insane!...so my plan so far this week has been i gave mum my laxatives and she is giving me a certain amount each day to taper off using them and so far i havent gone to the shops and bought a secret packet although i really have wanted to! i figure iv gone to all this trouble of actually really getting rid of these laxs and am putting my poor family through this why ruin it now, im not letting myself lie about it anymore as im scared my body will collapse on me soon and il be dead at 19..so far ive dropped [fewer and fewer lax per day] - i feel ok extremely nervous but so proud that im actaully doing it! my binging and purging has increased to every night again sometimes twice but im trying really hard to fight the urges...ive also booked in to see a therapist who deals soley with eating disorders at a clinic and have written him a letter of exactly what i do how i feel etc etc so that im being honest from the start as i get so embarressed and also secretive i think more so from myself than anyone else..im just hoping to god that this works that he can help me as i really am scared for myself now i dont want to die and im terrified of what ive already done to myself i just want to be bec again and kill Ed once and for all not let it be the other way around...im sorry for rambling just my head is going crazy i feel like a drug addict with withdrawals, im moody, im shakey, anxious all the time its hell...but shall keep fighting cos thats what we do.

has anybody got any tips on recovery? or anything that you think may help me?

I think I understand how you're feeling. Cut yourself some slack; dealing with an ED is a long-term, very difficult thing. You made progress and slipped back...it's normal, though discouraging.


What a terrific thing you're doing by weaning yourself off the laxatives! Congratulations on that! And you're seeking help and being honest about things. That takes a lot of courage, and determination to get better, too.
Give yourself credit: you're dealing with an incredibly difficult, frustrating, painful, stubborn disorder.
There will be relapses, then better times, and the longer you work on it, the better the chances that you'll be able to really deal with it. 19 is very young. You have time to change.
Even though you're feeling discouraged and shaky (yes, it is an addiction in part, I think), you are really in a very good place.

Try not to panic over the relapse. That only increases anxiety and makes it worse. Take it one day at a time, continue to seek help, and be proud of yourself for taking these steps.

Can you bring yourself to ask your mom for help with the purging?

Best to you, keep on going forward, you will make it!

hey...im hoping that i can im going to try and ask to just sit with her and my step dad when im like that rather then sneaking off to binge etc..ive told my best friend about how its getting really hard and she said i can go over there anytime i need to so i might do that to i really want to try...i feel terrible today im so bloated and my back and tummy are so sore its ridiculous i feel like a beached whale at the moment but im not going to let ED win i just wish it would all stop but hey im just looking forward to the day i wake up ED free and am just bec again....if anyone has any suggestions on how i can get abit of relief from this pain, im still taking the lax just half what i was having before so i should be going to the loo but im all blocked up and ballooned im also eating dried fruit to help but i feel terrible i was fine this week and just today has been hell and im scared to cut down anymore lax incase it gets worse

ps. thank you so much for your reply it was really helpful to have somebody say that im doing well when i feel like im falling apart..thank you for just being here

Hi again,

Did you check with your doc about withdrawing from laxatives? I have read that some people use suppositories for a while - ask about this. Your system, though, will need time to come back. If you can't go for three or four days, check in with your doc. It's a difficult and distressing process.

Yes, I think you're doing great. If it helps, I purged and did laxatives for 16 years. What I had to do to stop was to have several people I could call at any time of day or night, and when I felt I just had to purge, I would run out of my apartment (in NYCity) and go to their houses. I would cry, feel as if I would go out of my mind, but I was willing to go through that. That phase lasted for at least four months...only with the help of OA and these women who were there for me was I able to stop.

The good news is that after I went through the with drawal I stopped entirely. It's been almost 40 years since I purged (yes, I am quite a bit older). It was fully worth the battle.

Whatever I can do to help, I am here to listen. I've been through it and remember how arduous it was. I admire you for trying, and I'm sure you will come to the end of it. Just hang in there, ask you doc what you can do to deal with the bloating and constipation.

I hope others join me in responding who have been through this. In the meantime, you have my prayers.

Seaturtle

ive got my first appointment with a proper eating disorders phycologist on friday so im hoping he can help me...i know what you mean about needing to get away and go to your friends i just have this wall atm from asking them to sit with me through this i feel like ive asked so much of my beautiful friends and family already, there is just something stopping me il have the phone in my hand and be about to break down and just want a hug but i cant do it, ED just takes over and im gone...the bloating has gone done a little bit today which is good..thank you again so much for replying it helps so much hearing that you did get better and that it is possible to beat this cos at the moment i just dont know how to do it - well i know what i have to do but its just so hard and feels impossible sometimes...u have really helped by just replying as this disorder makes you feel so lonely sometimes so thank you!

Hi again,

Yes, it is a teribly lonely place. Can you go to some kind of group? As I said, OA was the thing that helped me kickc the purging, mainly because there were other women there who had done it and supported me. It did take me quite a while - until I was threatened by death, actually - to take action.
Incredibly difficult, and takes time, too.

Have you ever considered a brief in-patient stay to jump-start your recovery? We are so afraid of giving up these compulsions; they are driven by pure fear, then end up being the things we fear the most.

I think at some point you'll be ready just to go into freefall and find a way - any way - to interrupt the behaviors. Be patient with yourself, maybe make a small goal of having just one day, two days, purge-free. Just a small success will encourage you to try just one more.

I certainly am here to talk to any time. Gosh, I really feel for you. And I admire you for being willing to try to beat this horrible compulsion.

Maybe it would help to remember that it is indeed a compulsion, a strong one, that is not under your control. It's not your fault or failing that you can't control it. But with a lot of help, you can make it. If I did, anyone can. But not all at once.

Have compassion for yourself as you would for anyone else going through what you're going through. Back off a little and see yourself as a brave woman struggling against a difficult disorder, and respect yourself for wanting to overcome it. That is ther person you are inside. It's the ED that causes your behaviors, and a lot of it is biological, not something to feel you just can stop if you really want to.

Keep posting, thinking of you a lot.

Seaturtle

PS I had to absolutely do it one hour, one day at a time. If I thought any further than that, I would freak.

hey there - i know the one hour at a time feeling! there are no group therapy groups available near me the only one there is has already started a few weeks ago and they wont let me join and the next one isnt until feb next yr!! my doc told me that if i didnt put on weight a few months ago that i had to go to in paitent clinic but it terrifies me! i know myself and being such a social person not having my freedom will honestly depress me and i think be a destructive reaction for me...thats why this disorder kills me so much because normally i am such a happy, social person but this ED is such a isolated thing! i know the main reason behind it is that my dad passed away a few yrs ago and from that stemed a absolute fear of change - i have never dealt with my dad and a number of other issues and i guess i rely as sick as it sounds on my ED as a safe place a mindless escape - i can focus all my energy on it and it offers me a blank from anything that is potentially hurtful to me...the thing that annoys me is that i have done so much research on my disorder, i know what i need to do to recover but i cant! my ED is so strong and just wont leave me alone...for example tonight i really wanted to not binge but i physically couldnt tell my mum that i was going to i was pacing backwards and forwards to her room and was shaking and sooooooo anxious - my anxiety was through the roof i felt like a cat about to pounce the more i fought the desire to binge! i ended up caving and it gave my ED a quick fix but now i feel terrible so weak and frustrated with myself i dont understand why i cant just say HELP why i let ED win and why it feels so awful to fight it...i restrict all day im down to eating a good breakfast nothing during the day and binging and purging at night! my ED is at one of its peaks again its thriving off my current weak status with my boyfriend and i spliting, my car crash, my knee injury stopping me from going to the gym all together and i guess just having no control! its running wild and im so weak to it at the moment, im still fighting it and im so determined to beat it i just hate having so little control over my own self and it scares me!...i have a sense of relief of having this appointment at a real ED clinic with a doc who said he knows exactly how hard this will be and what im going through over the phone! i have written him a honesty letter about exactly how bad it is, how it started, what past issues have happened to result in this and how i feel fighting it as ive never told anybody not even my old doc so by writting it down and giving it to my new doc im hoping he will be able to see how much i want to get better...i know im rambling i just feel i can tell you this as you know what i mean, i hope you dont mind its just your replies have been so helpful and supportive! its weird im couple of kilos below my maintainance weight (that is still underweight) and my poor sick mind wants to loose more and is seeing "fat"..i just feel very disappointed about tonight but i did make my biggest effort in weeks to not purge!

Hey,

Great that you're going to see a good ED doc! You are really doing all the right things.

Stop beating yourself up for the binge/purge. Some of my symptoms are out of control: I am trying to eat more and eat during the day, but so often I just can't do it, am working on it, going to therapy 2x a week.

Believe me, I know about that binge/purge signal and how impossible to resist it it can be. I used to blame myself for every symptom of the disorder, call myself a rotten, weak person...I'm sure you know all the tapes. Only recently can I look at myself as I would at someone else doing the same things I am driven to do and have compassion for myself as I would for someone else. And not all the time.

One thing that's taken me a long, long time to see: I am out of control. Just as surely as someone with cancer cannot help having a tumor. Of course, we can get help and slowly change, isn;'t the same as cancer, but still a very real illness.

Can you take the lack of control in stride and tell yoiurself - okay, I did that, I will try again next time, but I know I will need help to be able to control it?

One the most danaging things about trying to recover (for me) is that I still think I have - and hsould have - control. Admitting I don't is scary.

I know how you feel about inpatient. I have resisted that all my life, mainly because I have agoraphobia, and being trapped in one place will set me back to ground zero, and I"ve fought so hard to be able to walk around outside and go in stores. My therapist agrees with me on that.

Might it help if you asked your doc/therapist exactly why they would want you in inpatient if you don't gain? Knowing the facts of what might happen to you would put it in a clear, medical light.

I don't want to run on and on here, but please keep writing, and I will answer you as best I can. Try to improve in small ways, just little ones. I have found that my disorder will get worse if I feel under too much pressure.

I am excited to know what happens for you on Friday.

This has gotten too long, so wil end now. Thumbs up for taking action!

Seaturtle

you didnt go on for to long honestly hearing about your story and everything you have to say has been such a comfort to me....i am so nervous about today my head is going nuts, am i to thin, am i to big, will he believe me, will he be able to help me, do i want to stop this (ED thought), this means im going to put on heaps of weight!, i just want to hide, i dont have a bad problem i could stop if i wanted (ED thought), i have no control over this, everyone will see im getting bigger...IM FINALLY GOING TO BE FREE!!

i feel like a nutter but honestly im used to it, i think it just scares me sometimes how strong ED can be over my mind when it is MY mind and i should have full control over it...i really am terrified of putting on any weight but i am so relieved to finally be getting help from a real ED doc..im actually nearly in tears right now cos im so tired of this ED i want my life back so badly i just want to be bec again and live! im actually going to do this - get better and it scares the hell out of me but im so overwhelmed with this sense of oh my god im actually going to make it!!! i know i have a HUGE journey ahead of me but i am ready to do it i just am scared

today im taking a group of my students (im a teacher aide at a high school) to fasta pasta for lunch as a fun last day of term party thing, this means lunch and not just lunch BIG bowls of pasta lunch! im already freaking out! this is huge and its infront of my students and co-workers, im already planning how i can go and purge i need to escape im feeling so trapped right now! and this is exactly what i am so looking forward to being rid of! i want to be free and go to this nice event and just enjoy myself and my meal! i just hope i make it through today...ive so far avoided all food situations infront of the kids and co workers and ive been working there since january but today is a big big big issue - i feel trapped like im in a box and somebody is forcing food down my throat and not just any food big pasta serves which is heavy and oh i hate my head right now! im just going to try my breathing exercises to try and calm my anxiety down cos i have extremely high anxiety due to this disorder and have panic attacks from it so my previous doc gave me breathing control techniques to try and calm my nerves so i can try and think logically before i panic myself into a hysterical state...i sounds insane i know :(

thank you for your love and support il write when i get back from the doc and let you no how i went...thank you for everything so far i would go insane if i didnt have this opportunity to talk to somebody who understands...

bec

ps.if there is ever anything you need to talk about please know that i am here for you to :)

HI, abbec,

Sorry you had this situation with the pasta today. I still can't handle that, so I just stay away from it.

I hope things went okay. You don't have to eat a lot of it, you know - a few bites, and then just stop.k If people make any comments, well, you just don't care for it, or tell them you don't like pasta.

I know the feeling of wanting to get better - without gaining weight, lol- very well. I feel that way all the time. I'm working hard w/T to try and overcome that. As far as she says, it's "just do it", despite any feelings or ED voices or anything else, take food like medicine. So far, I haven't done very well, but am trying little tiny steps first.

Thank you for your offer of help! That means a lot - and it is really a wonderful thing if I am helping you. Makes me feel very good. And please do post tomorrow after the doc - I'll be looking for your post.

The hold the ED has, oh, you're right. I was talking about this w/pdoc earlier this week, and she said EDs are about the most stubborn disorders she medicates for. And there's, of course, no magic med.

You take good, good care, and I'll talk to you tomorrow,

Seaturtle