Hi,
Not sure what to say but that seems like my husband is frequently P*ssed off at me. LIke he really hates me. We have two small children and want to preserve the marriage but he says that I don't value and respect him. My only problem is that I think he has problems with his anger. He seems to be discontent with a lot- I'm overweight now (160 lb), I don't clean enough (according to him), I spend too much money (only on groceries b/c I discuss any other purchases to try and avoid a fight, I also work from home with a baby and my son who just started school).
I was stunned today I didn't even know that I p*ssed him off. He walked away from me and was not answering me and then said get out of the kitchen before the police have to haved to be called. I was shocked- you mean your so angry you feel like you could hit me. He didn't respond. I left the kitchen to try and get him to cool off but I set him off again by saying. Oh my God Greg, Nicholas has a fever didn't you check him? (He had Nicholas while I slept with the baby). Nicholas has been sick for days. I definitely had an annoyed tone because my husband knew he was sick. After that forget about it- he was angry becuase he made a great meal and didn't appreciate it (for which I apologised and said what a wonderful meal it was). I tried to talk things out and apease him but forget it. He looks at me with such haterd. The rest of the night he just stewed.
He ebbs and flows. About a month ago in a fight he said you are my 9/11. I hate you so much , I should lock you out of the house. You make me so miserable. There is no one worse on the planet then you. I looked at him stunned and said well I'm sorry and I do love you. He apologised afterwards but he keeps doing it. He calls me all sort of names and when I later point out after an arguement that name calling is acceptable he says I deserve and I drive him too it. Dumbass, loser, pathetic, moran, retarded, disgusting, etc. He even has shown his anger towards me in front of our son. I finally told him you know I could call you names but I choose not and you need to stop or I'll be calling you divorced dad. He agreed but it now back to it.
He seems to get set off so easily. Sometimes when I try to call him down it seems to anger him more like I'm talking down to him. Last summer- in the car he was furious me and I said Greg, what can I do to make you happy. He said "Shut the ****** up" So I stayed quiet but cried at his parents house in from of all the company. I blamed it on lack of sleep.
I really don't want a divorce he has many wonderful qualities and is a hard worker who helps out around the house. My children really love him and he is a very involved father. Plus I would never, ever, ever want to leave my children weekends with a man who can't control his temper. I feel like I never known when I'm going to set off a land mine and trying to defuse him is hard. Sex works sometimes. He wants to go to counsiling b/c he is so upset with me and wants our marriage to improve. I for the most part am pretty darn happy but just wish my husband would calm down and relax. I'm afraid to leave my baby with anyone because he has some health issues but we definitely can't bring him to a counselor.
How do I get my husband to realize he is flying off the handle. What techniques can I use to defuse him? Could it be possible that I am unappreciative and don't notice how hard he works at home? Maybe I have to make more positive comments. SOmetimes I get a sick pit in my stomach when he is angry- it's not a good feeling.
Heidi
PS If I had to get a divorce would I be able to get full custody with out visitation rights? Is it really hard. Just afraid some day he's going to really lose it and smack me or something- then it will definitely be over for us.

Darling , you need to get a plan together and get out. You are living in an abusive home. You are trying so hard and that will be wonderful when you are with a man that deserves that effort. You remind me of me a few years ago when I would go over and over my husbands angry outburst to think how i could have responded better to have calmed him down... listen close
its not you its him.... Document his behavior in writing, if you don't want
to keep it at the house email it to a friend that will save each. That will help you if you have a custody battle.
I'll pray for you

I can't leave unless I am absolutely certain that he would not have shared custody. I could never allow my kids to be away weekends with him and his family. I absolutely will not take that chance. Any lawyers out there? Free advice? Also, I can't put my younger son in daycare. Some health issues.
I have hope since he wants to go to counseling (becuase of all my problems he says) that he will get a serious reality check. I don't know. He has made it known he will fight for full custody if we ever divorced.
I am thrilled that someone responded- THANK YOU!

Thanks, I am going to document his angry outbursts in writing. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I remember my father's horrible moods and my mother seemed to almost delibrately set him off sometimes. (She was an abused child) Then one day my dad really lost it... divorced after that. That is my nagging fear.

heidijg;3210571] He wants to go to counsiling b/c he is so upset with me and wants our marriage to improve. I for the most part am pretty darn happy but just wish my husband would calm down and relax. I'm afraid to leave my baby with anyone because he has some health issues but we definitely can't bring him to a counselor. Really unusual. The man wants to go to counseling. He states it is because he is upset with you but it makes no difference. HE is willing to go and you find a reason to not go. I understand your child has problems but very few are ever so restricive that you must be with them 100% of the time. It sounds like you have a few issues as well. Counseling is important for both of you, no matter where you end up.
How do I get my husband to realize he is flying off the handle.He apparently does. He seems to have the reasons for it misplaced but he does realize there is a problem.
What techniques can I use to defuse him?counseling would be a good start

Could it be possible that I am unappreciative and don't notice how hard he works at home? that is something you have to figure out. From here it is impossible to tell.


PS If I had to get a divorce would I be able to get full custody with out visitation rights?Really really doubtful. You would have to prove that he is a threat. If there has been no contact to either you or the children, it ain't gonna happen.

. Just afraid some day he's going to really lose it and smack me or something- then it will definitely be over for us.Well, then you need to find a way to allow yourself to go to counseling and yes, it is a bad idea to take a child with you. It takes away any possible focal point other than the child.

Hi SallyAnn and Gooby,
Thank you both for your comments. I appreciate them very much. Yes, I cling to my children- esp. my youngest. I think part of the problem is that we are doing it alone with the kids. My husbands family has very little interest in helping out and the only one I can ask is my mother. THe problem is that she lies frequently and does what she wants. I have had enough bad experiences to know I really shouldn't ever leave the kids with her. Especially after repeatedly telling her not to carry things and hold my older son at the same time she fell with him. Wouldn't you know she did it again a short time later. The other issue is that my son is severely attached to me and cries hysterically if I am gone. I'm talking non-stop. In a couple months when he's less clingy and hopefully OT and PT have improved some issues. I will not worry to leave him with a stranger. (We really don't have many options)
Yes, I was eager to go to counseling when we only had one child- he refused at the time. Now, I've agreed tentatively but am trying to delay it till my younger son is in a better situation health wise.
Now, today my husband's an absolute angel. Makes me think maybe I blew this out of proportion. I keep thinking it's stressfull now with the young kids but give it a year or two and things will be much better. But then I think- did I choose my moody "dad". I don't know. Thank you everyone for you input. It is nice to get an outsiders perpective. All the best to everyone!

he says that I don't value and respect him.

he was angry becuase he made a great meal and didn't appreciate it

I really don't want a divorce he has many wonderful qualities and is a hard worker who helps out around the house. My children really love him and he is a very involved father.

He wants to go to counsiling b/c he is so upset with me and wants our marriage to improve.

Hi Heidi, your husband does have a lot of good qualities. (Calling you names isn't good though and he does have to learn how to deal better with his anger).

I agree with Gooby, he says that he wants to go to therapy and work on the marriage and you are putting up excuses. What are you afraid of?

Can you ask your husband to post here himself?

I find it interesting that you have a husband similar to your father.

To me it sounds like he is getting so angry because he is not speaking up for his needs.

your husband is abusive. there is no way to make him realize he's wrong......you might die trying though.....
it's time to pack up and get yourself and your kids away from this monster.
get a lawyer and get out......while you still can.

No you have not blown this out of proportion. If you don't have family to turn to then you need to find the womens shelter for battered women. Verbal abuse is no different than physical abuse. You have no idea why your husband blows up...he sounds like he might be an alcoholic or on drugs or just a jerk who cares there is no excuse or no reason for such behavior and a husband that treats his wife with such disrespect does not deserve to have a family. No one can say if your husband can get visitation or not...only the courts can say that but meanwhile contact your local womens shelter for advise and how and when to leave...with the children. They can assist you in getting the proper legal aid. Don't make excuses for him, don't 'make nice' with him! When he is out of the house just pick up the phone and get out. Being nice once in awhile is not good enough for children...they need daddy to be nice ALLLLL the time and you need to see that yourself and them are kept safe.

If you left him and took the children have you considered what he actually might do? could do possibly to himself?
Is it that he wants to be this kind husband and wonderful dad but even with counselling this can not work for him?
Have you considered that maybe he needs medical help and may need to take something daily to calm him?
A suggestion would be to get a program on "CD for to calm and relax.They are valuable and I love these.
Suggest to him that maybe he could try a nondrug product from a store .

SHE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HE DOES TO HIMSELF! so many people are manipulated by someone who threatens suicide. I think this is past the point of buying him a cd to relax.....this man is abusive and you are suggesting that she just try to pacify him. Like I said, she may die trying....her best bet is to leave with her life while she still has it.

Can't wait to hear from Heidi again. Interesting how many different views that we all can have of her husband. I think that there are 3 posts here that react strongly and say that he is very abusive, etc. Out of curiosity I was wondering if those who said this have suffered from abuse themselves and are reading their own situation into Heidi's? (Their own past fears affect their understanding of other male/female relationships?)

Can't wait to hear from Heidi again. Interesting how many different views that we all can have of her husband. I think that there are 3 posts here that react strongly and say that he is very abusive, etc. Out of curiosity I was wondering if those who said this have suffered from abuse themselves and are reading their own situation into Heidi's? (Their own past fears affect their understanding of other male/female relationships?)

Sannah I'm not reading my own situation into this, I'm reading the WORDS that the poster wrote......I have a good understanding of relationships, this has nothing to do with past fears. Are you saying you don't think the man is abusive?
:confused:
:angel:

Hi Rosequartz, what I "see" is a man who gets very angry and doesn't handle it well. He doesn't handle it well because he calls his wife names and doesn't know how to deal with his anger. I "see" a man who could learn how to handle his anger better and then be a pretty good guy. I'll bet anything that he is angry because he doesn't know how to meet his needs. This seems to be a big anger trigger. I just see responses sometimes where woman will just want to "throw the man out" where I can actually see a person who is salvagable. A totally abusive man, however, needs to be gotten away from, however. Thanks for wanting to discuss this....

Hi Rosequartz, what I "see" is a man who gets very angry and doesn't handle it well. He doesn't handle it well because he calls his wife names and doesn't know how to deal with his anger. I "see" a man who could learn how to handle his anger better and then be a pretty good guy. I'll bet anything that he is angry because he doesn't know how to meet his needs. This seems to be a big anger trigger. I just see responses sometimes where woman will just want to "throw the man out" where I can actually see a person who is salvagable. A totally abusive man, however, needs to be gotten away from, however. Thanks for wanting to discuss this....

Sannah it's nice that you're giving him the benefit of the doubt and think he is salvagable, but I see women doing this all the time and they end up more abused. How many posts do you see here from women telling us about an abusive man, but they love him and want to work it out? How many women do you see posts from who are walking on eggshells not to make someone mad......that's no way to live. No one should be abusive....whatever their reason/excuse. The bottom line is, when he gives her a black eye or knocks a few teeth out, does it really matter if it was only because he doesn't know how to meet his needs? Should we be feeling sorry for him like he's the victim here? She needs to protect herself and stop worrying about him and why he's like that.....it doesn't really matter why he's like that......what matters is he could harm her
:angel:

The bottom line is, when he gives her a black eye or knocks a few teeth out, does it really matter if it was only because he doesn't know how to meet his needs?

He has never hit her and they have been together for awhile it seems. This is where the "reading into it" comes in I think. (You think that he will eventually hit her).

From what I understand about abusive men it is all about control. It seems that if the man is truly abusive the control starts very soon after they are together. Heidi has not mentioned anything about him being controlling. It seems that they have been together for awhile. I would think that the full abuse would have started already.

It seems that all men are thrown into this "abusive pot". So men cannot have anger problems without the baby being thrown out with the bathwater? This belief, I believe, says that if a man has any problems that he cannot be trusted and that ALL men with problems become abusers. This sort of also says to me that all men must be feared.

If a woman is walking on eggshells this comes from her upbringing and she needs to work on this for herself. People walk on eggshells because they are afraid of consequences (this fear being brought from childhood). If the consequences are true abuse then of course the woman MUST get out and get safe. But what needs to be distinguished here is, is the man truly abusive or does he just have some problems that he needs to work on.

ok so he hasn't hit her yet.....I will bet money that he will eventually......he's verbally abusive to her, AND in front of her son to boot! raising another child to think that that's acceptable behavior.....it's ok to verbally abuse your partner because they "deserve" it.....it's ok to tell your partner that you hate them......are those good lessons for a child? Verbal abuse sometimes turns into physical abuse....and he's already tried to make her afraid by telling her to get out of the house because he might lose his temper and hit her.......he's trying to control her through fear......do you really think this is healthy and salvageable? I don't.
How many posts do we read here from depressed/ptsd people who say that they WISH they were hit instead of verbally abused? IT's JUST AS BAD, and I believe you know that!
I can't understand why his behavior would be acceptable to you??
After reading her post again, I'm starting to wonder if the man is bi-polar......he sounds a lot like it.....that might be something for her to investigate.....

I never said that his behavior was acceptable! All I am saying is that there are varying degrees of men with problems and they fall all along the continuum. I just feel that many people throw many men all the way down at the end of the continuum automatically. I know that there are very bad, terrible abusive men out there who are very dangerous.

I also don't think that he is trying to control her either. He gets very angry and doesn't handle it well.

I never said that his behavior was acceptable! All I am saying is that there are varying degrees of men with problems and they fall all along the continuum. I just feel that many people throw many men all the way down at the end of the continuum automatically. I know that there are very bad, terrible abusive men out there who are very dangerous.

I also don't think that he is trying to control her either. He gets very angry and doesn't handle it well.

I guess IMO it's better to err on the side of caution. Only time will tell what kind of damage he will inflict on his family......and at that point, the damage is done, it's too late.

Remember, he WANTS to go to counseling! She is the one who was dragging her feet on counseling. I asked her if she thinks that she has something to lose by going to counseling. She hasn't answered since.

Remember, he WANTS to go to counseling! She is the one who was dragging her feet on counseling. I asked her if she thinks that she has something to lose by going to counseling. She hasn't answered since.

I will go out on a limb here and guess that he wants to go to counseling so he can get the counselor on his side to tell her she's wrong.....
that's what I've found when someone wants to go to counselling.
I hope I am wrong and he wants to go to counselling for the right reasons, to get well and save his relationship with his family. Again, only time will tell.
:angel:

Interesting Rosequartz. You know what my gut is telling me here. I have seen it where woman are manipulative in the relationship and then this makes the husband angry and they don't know what to do or how to handle it well. The woman don't want to go to therapy because they would be called out on their manipulative behavior. Heidi, I am in no way saying that this is what is going on with you two at all. I am just saying that I have seen this and I could see how it would make the husband very angry.

Interesting Rosequartz. You know what my gut is telling me here. I have seen it where woman are manipulative in the relationship and then this makes the husband angry and they don't know what to do or how to handle it well. The woman don't want to go to therapy because they would be called out on their manipulative behavior. Heidi, I am in no way saying that this is what is going on with you two at all. I am just saying that I have seen this and I could see how it would make the husband very angry.

well my gut is telling me that this woman is NOT being manipulative, and that this man is being abusive. I'm guessing that this woman has had her self-esteem beat down so bad from being called names, and told he hates her and she's worthless, that she's actually afraid that something is her fault.....
it's never someone elses fault that someone can't control their temper or anger. he needs to take responsibility for his anger AND his actions, and stop trying to pin it on her......

I totally agree, everyone needs to take responsibility for his or her actions and choices.

*LONG POST*
OK, I've been thinking on this one for days. My husband has been absolutely wonderful except for one incident where he lost it on a night where everyone had a great lack of sleep so I let it slide. Coming from a dysfunctional backround I really don't have a benchmark as to what is acceptable and the norm. I had always seemed to be dating abusive men- manipulative, cheaters, mean, etc. I started dating my husband because he was extremely nice to everyone and was excellent with children. We dated for several years and I had a *Ton* on anxiety about getting married but figured it must be due pre-marital jitters. I was the one who pushed counseling for several years and actually went myself for a short time but was somewhat disappointed by it. I was told to leave my husband but I have to be honest the conselor was a militant lesbian who honestly seemed to lump men into one category. I was hesitent to have a second child considering the situation but things seemed to be well with us so I went for it. Four weeks later I was preg. with number two. My second son has had some health issues. I would seriously do some phone couseling if it's available- otherwise I can have my mother drive up and hour to watch my youngest (the oldest I can send to a sitter service- no problem there). Only problem is that she is incredibly untrustworthy and truly is more obsessed with the cleaning my house that watching my son- sad but true. My son has pretty bad choking problems along with other issues that OT and PT are working with. He is suddenly mouthing everything and on a daily basis I am flipping him over and pounding on his back to resolve the choking episode (always food so far). It's an odd situation but considering the situation I would like to wait it out a few months till he is older. In the mean time my husband has compiled a list of grievences for the counseler and told me about this- so I can "prepare myself". I let him know that I am really content and happy and the only issue I have to address is his anger. I'm not ready to scrap the marriage- I know that we both have areas that need improving. I have been co-sleeping for years which he absolutely hates. My oldest is in his own bed but my youngest still sleeps with me- which is good because I still breastfeed him (since he's not handling food to well yet) and with he hypotonia litterally would get caught in weird positions in the crib and scream in fright unable to get out of that position. I will transition him to his own bed at about three and a half. I let my husband know that if he wanted a second child I had to co-sleep- I get tired easily and my thyroid is on it's way out. I would be taking care of this child 100%. He agreed to it. He hates it though. I give him freqent sex so that does not become and issue. To be honest he hated sleeping next to me anyhow- I drink too much water at night, restless sleeper, etc....
We have had an incredible amount of stress on our lives these past years including medical complications with my older son as a newborn, buying a house that has been a money pit, my part-time job lay-off, my own health issues (heart trouble the thyriod problems) and financial hardships. My older son has been a challenge to discpline and is being screened for sensory integration disorder (he literally bounces off walls). my husband is a stressed out type of guy. His mother is extremely negative and would always says things to him growing up- "you're cousins have a girlfriend I wish I could say that my sonhas a girlfriend", etc... My husbands family value money and appearance and my husband is totally affected by it. He feels the house is unacceptable, our money situation is unacceptable, we don't dress well-enough (d/t money). I stopped caring about what his family thought years ago. But I can totally see the lasting impression it made on him.
He did have a period of heavy drinking four years ago but I let him know that if it didn't stop the marriage was ending and I would probably get full custody. He stopped drinking and rarely has a beer. I worry that he will slip back but he really has an iron will and has said he doesn't want me to have the "amunition in court" if we ever divorced. As for divorce my mother one hundred precent will not help me- her new husband is very emotionally abusive and controlling (everyone agrees on this) and would never let me live with them. She always has a negative thing to say to me and says that I should keep the house cleaner to make my husband happier (the house is pretty clean usually) and that I should be able to work part-time from home without any help (it's very hard and stressfull with little kids) She also said that the only wrong with my younger son is my attachment parenting style- which I cried over and she has refused to apoligize since the MD's have determined problems. I've said don't you feel bad about blaming me and she give vague answers about me bringing up the past etc. She weas a foster kid for several years- what can I say...
I think I've rambled long enough. As for now things seem good but then there always ends up being a "bad" episode where I get to thinking again. Did I set him off, did I nag him the way my mother nags? Is this totally on him? I don't know... the fact that after all these years he is eager to go to couseling gives me optimism and hope. I think he want to discusses all the things that he finds upsetting about me- that counseling is about "fixing me" but I think he might be in for a reality check (maybe) when we do eventually go. I'm sure there will be things that I will not enjoy hearing about myself also probably.
Thank you everyone for actually caring and reading my post. I was actually shocked I got a lot of responses.

OK, here's the thing. My mom is the worst nagger on the planet. She would litterally follow my dad from room to room saying horrible negative things to him. THey would scream and yell bloody murder in front of us till I thought I would puke with anxiety. It's almost like she would deliberately say something to set him off. He'd end up in an absolute rage and she would end up hysterically crying. My sister and I would go and comfort each one. I would usually take my dad because he seemed pretty scary. He one day threw her up against the wall and started violently choking her telling her to "shut up". I think the only reason he stopped is his two hysterical daughters begging him to. Only time he physically touched her.
My husband and I are extremely different people. BUt I get nagging questions-am I my mother (I really make a point of trying not to be nagging but am I without realizing it?) Is my husband going to be like my father and one day lose it and get violent? The reason why I choose my husband is because he was (and usually still is) such a nice guy. I give it a lot of thought at the time. But do we repeat the mistakes of our parents?
I'd need an outside opinion

[QUOTE=heidijg;3217250 I think he want to discusses all the things that he finds upsetting about me- that counseling is about "fixing me" but I think he might be in for a reality check (maybe) when we do eventually go. [/QUOTE]

Yep that's EXACTLY what I thought his motivation was.

Hi Heidi, sounds like you both have a lot of family baggage that needs to be worked out. Therapy is an excellent way to do this. Keep posting and I'll keep reading.....

About your questions about if you are modelling your parents behaviors. It is hard to tell from here but we only know what we know from our environment (I think a lot of our personality comes with us from birth but a lot of our behaviors are learned).

Since you cannot go to counseling right now why not encourage your husband to start before you?

My second attempt at a first post - hope it goes through...

I read a book once on the topic of verbal abuse in marriage. It was excellent. Go to one of the bookstore websites and search for the general topic, "verbally abusive relationships", read through the reviews and pick a good one...

The book I read was an eye opener. It discussed how the 2 individuals are often living in 2 different realities. The abuser is on a rollercoaster that can include low-self-esteem issues that cause him to lash out at the victim because of false assumptions that the victim is trying to be controlling, etc. So, when you ask what seems an innocent question or make a statement (let alone anything sounding remotely nagging), they assume you are judging their entire being, implying they are lazy, stupid, whatever. Their reality is that you are picking a fight, implying they are inferior (which perhaps they actually believe about themselves) when your reality may have been that you were trying to make a suggestion or simply stating a need or a parenting fact you've become aware of (communicating w/your spouse).

My therapist a few years ago kept implying that I should leave my husband. I didn't because I realized that he had/still has lots of great qualities. Of course, the relationship is 2 people (plus the kids) so it is always worthwhile to consider how you might be playing a part. For example, early in the marriage, we would argue about whatever and I would really be trying to win the fight as much as he was. We married young! Well, 3 kids and 10 years later, I grew up. I really don't care to win an argument. I really am just trying to communicate and work through things in the family. I don't like arguing. I have said these last several statements to him for years (including the part that I used to want to win). And, now, at almost 20 years married :eek: things have gotten better between us because I think he believes me so he is not always on the defense.

Now, the arguments between him and my 17 year old daughter, that's another story... (watch for me in weeks to come on the topic of Oppositional Defiance Disorder).

Hope this little bit helps - wonderful board...

DevotedDaughter (Mother, Wife and Trying to be Devoted Self)
p.s. I named myself devoteddaughter because I came to this site for help on my dear old dad with multiple health complications but my post never appeared. :(

Just reread my post and realize that it implies YOU have to do all the changing, careful wording, etc. I do not mean to imply that. In that bookstore search, I believe there is a book for the actual verbal abuser that helps him see just what he is doing. God willing, your husband means it about therapy and wants things to get better. Give him a chance and find out if he is on a rollercoaster of emotions as well - then help him work on the skills to improve his UNACCEPTABLE behavior - quick tidbits, just remembered it starts with setting some boundaries ("I am your wife. I expect respect as I wish to give it to you. Please do not call me names anymore." and when he does, exit, stage left and plan to discuss it later... Also, sorry if I posted the post in the wrong part of the thread - thought that counts!

OK, my husband and I had a very long talk. He admitted his anger was out of control and things would change. He also stated that he was unhappy with my appearance (no makeup, glasses, sometimes I shower every other day, weight gain), we don;t have enough money and I am not frugal enough, the house isn't clean enough and he's not getting the type of sex he likes. I always initiate "quickies" so I am being a good wife (for his happiness not mine). He says he wants "longies" but never initiates them. I told him many times it would be nice if he initiated (said that for years) but... A fight that has been going on for years is that I get sick of initiating all the sex and feel that asking for a "longie" is embarrassing. The quick sex is no pleasure for me and after a while I start to get resentfull that he doen't even think of my needs. But how many months do I go giving him satisfaction again and again with no reciprication. THings are always supposed to change but they never do... even before the kids. I am currently on basically a sex strike.. if he wants it, it has to last more than five minutes and ladies first. So of course we are having no sex.
He feels that since I do not work (Oh, but I do work from home averaging 300-1000/month) the house should be immaculate. Quite annoyed my work-at-home income doesn't seem to count in his mind... He has actually told people that I do not work... weird... he always cashes the paychecks. I also have a one-year old getting OT/PT and probably speech so that also takes up my time.
We had one incident where I tried to talk to him about a money issue and he thought I was egging him on. I was trying to tread carefully. He shouted "you want to get into this" "You want to" and started with his tirade and then sudenly stopped and said no I not going to do this and was icely cold to me. He basically would act fake nice and tried not to talk to me. I tried to talk to him and explain I never want to fight.. I wasn't trying to start something... but we kind of avoided each other the rest of the night.
THe biggest thing of all though is that I found VODKA HIDDEN in a high cupboard in the very back. It was a huge bottle and most of it was gone. I had noticed that he was making ice tea and thought it was for the caffine. I just emailed about it. Stated I really do care if you drink (but I actually) but why did you hide vodka in the cupboard. I'm waiting his response.
Four years ago during a lot of stress my husband began to drink heavily. He was incredibly verbally abusive, kicked a hole in the wall one day out of anger. And in general had me walking on eggshells. I let him know that I was thinking of leaving and no divorce court would look fondly on a father who drinks and he totally stopped. At that time he claimed that I drove him too it. I was so annoyed and stated no you are respsonsible for your own actions. He barely drinks now "b/c he doen't want any reason" for me to win custody in divorce court. He will have two beers a night on some nights.
Not sure what's going to happen now. I had searched the internet and found several sites with phone counseling. I emailed them to my husband and we decided to wait a month and see how things go.
On antoher note he is so involved with the children and makes them a priority. He is a good man... just...

Error
Sorry, my email said I don't care if you drink but why is there acohol hidden

I don't like the sounds of this.....he admitted he's out of control....ok that's good, but how are things going to change? I also don't like that he's unhappy with your appearance, etc.....now he's turning it around and blaming you for things that are unrelated to his anger problem. It almost sounds like he's telling you how things should be......he's almost issuing an ultimatum of some sort....wear makeup, etc and I won't get angry......yeah ok if it was only that simple. I think you're wasting your time jumping thru hoops to try to please this man and nothing will be good enough. You will get tired after a while.....why not just quit now before you wear yourself out.
:angel:

OK, my husband and I had a very long talk. He admitted his anger was out of control and things would change. He also stated that he was unhappy with my appearance (no makeup, glasses, sometimes I shower every other day, weight gain), we don;t have enough money and I am not frugal enough, the house isn't clean enough and he's not getting the type of sex he likes. I always initiate "quickies" so I am being a good wife (for his happiness not mine). He says he wants "longies" but never initiates them. I told him many times it would be nice if he initiated (said that for years) but... A fight that has been going on for years is that I get sick of initiating all the sex and feel that asking for a "longie" is embarrassing. The quick sex is no pleasure for me and after a while I start to get resentfull that he doen't even think of my needs. But how many months do I go giving him satisfaction again and again with no reciprication. THings are always supposed to change but they never do... even before the kids. I am currently on basically a sex strike.. if he wants it, it has to last more than five minutes and ladies first. So of course we are having no sex.
He feels that since I do not work (Oh, but I do work from home averaging 300-1000/month) the house should be immaculate. Quite annoyed my work-at-home income doesn't seem to count in his mind... He has actually told people that I do not work... weird... he always cashes the paychecks. I also have a one-year old getting OT/PT and probably speech so that also takes up my time.
We had one incident where I tried to talk to him about a money issue and he thought I was egging him on. I was trying to tread carefully. He shouted "you want to get into this" "You want to" and started with his tirade and then sudenly stopped and said no I not going to do this and was icely cold to me. He basically would act fake nice and tried not to talk to me. I tried to talk to him and explain I never want to fight.. I wasn't trying to start something... but we kind of avoided each other the rest of the night.
THe biggest thing of all though is that I found VODKA HIDDEN in a high cupboard in the very back. It was a huge bottle and most of it was gone. I had noticed that he was making ice tea and thought it was for the caffine. I just emailed about it. Stated I really do care if you drink (but I actually) but why did you hide vodka in the cupboard. I'm waiting his response.
Four years ago during a lot of stress my husband began to drink heavily. He was incredibly verbally abusive, kicked a hole in the wall one day out of anger. And in general had me walking on eggshells. I let him know that I was thinking of leaving and no divorce court would look fondly on a father who drinks and he totally stopped. At that time he claimed that I drove him too it. I was so annoyed and stated no you are respsonsible for your own actions. He barely drinks now "b/c he doen't want any reason" for me to win custody in divorce court. He will have two beers a night on some nights.
Not sure what's going to happen now. I had searched the internet and found several sites with phone counseling. I emailed them to my husband and we decided to wait a month and see how things go.
On antoher note he is so involved with the children and makes them a priority. He is a good man... just...

Hi Heidi, your husband sounds selfish.

OK, Ive sit here and read this whole entire message bulletin..
Im going to try and keep this short and to the point..
Your husband sounds like an a**hole all the way..
Funny how he admits that he does have anger issues, but its b/c of the way you look/ act and among other life things.
Counseling isnt going to help.. Your pissing away your time,life and money.
The only solution here is to get out.. Walk way! Leave him !
Let him work on himself alone and you go out and find someone that will love and accept all parts of you..:angel:

Gosh, I just happened across this post tonight by accident and I could pretty much have written it with the exception of not having any children. I will probably get blasted a lot if I share what's going on in my life but I'll go ahead anyway.....

I have been married for almost 32 years to a man who is incredibly abusive, mentally, emotionally, and verbally. Physically, only one time a long time ago but I do fear that will happen at some point again. I've never seen a person as full of anger, rage, and hatred as my husband and unfortunately, it is all directed at me. I mainly get the silent treatment when he is home (he is a pilot for a major airline and gone 80% of the time), but when he does speak to me, it is to tell me how much he hates me, more and more every day that passes, that I am worthless and he is going to leave me, making sure I end up on the street, homeless and penniless. He has even changed his state residency to Illinois because he says if he files for divorce there, it will be harder for me.

Right about now I'm sure you're wondering why I stay with this man. I wonder that, too, believe me. Well, this may be interpreted as one or many excuses but I have Type 2 diabetes that nearly took my life five years ago when I was first diagnosed. At which time, by the way, he emailed all his friends and relatives, mine also, and told them what a liability I was going to be to him from that time on. HIS money spent for my medications and doctor visits, etc. To my dismay, all of his friends and family and believe it or not, many of MINE, emailed him back with their sympathies for him and what he was going to have to endure because of my illness. At the time of this email, I was nearly blind and numb on one side of my body from the high blood sugar levels. He left a copy of the email in the bathroom for me to read the first thing I got up one morning but it didn't do him much good because I couldn't see to read it anyway. He made sure he read it to me word for word and also made sure I knew who sympathized with him and what they said. He titled his email "The Cheating Wife." Cheating him out of money for medications, etc.

So that's part of it. I also have a long history of severe anxiety and panic disorder and chronic fatigue, which has not allowed me to work all the time. I have worked much of the time we've been married but not all the time. He tells me daily when he's home that every other wife has AT LEAST TWO OR THREE JOBS to help their husbands. Bull-you-know-what! Our neighbor is also a pilot for a major airline and his wife has never worked a day.

Now, on top of the anxiety and panic, I am suffering great depression because my mom fell and broke her hip and has developed dementia/Alzheimer's and has had to move into a facility for patients with that affliction. She's my only family; I have no siblings and my dad passed away 26 years ago when I was quite young.

So, that's my story. He won't go to counseling, says he won't pay anyone to tell him that he's right about everything. I have tried antidepressants only to find that I can't tolerate them.

I have nowhere to go, no friends or family left; what do I do? I'm confused and terrified of the man.

Hi Roxx, you certainly are taking an emotional beating from your husband. No wonder you are depressed. Could you contact a Spouse Abuse Center and just talk with them? Keep posting....