hey eveyone, I recently discovered this website while doing some research on the internet. anyway..

I'll give a lil' info on myself. I am in my early thirties and was diagnosed w/ BP in my early 20's after a suicide attempt. Since then I have read a lot of books, talked to many shrinks and self medicated or not.

I seem to be at a place in my life where I feel lost. I remember thinking when When I was younger that life would better as I aged. I thought, as you get older, have a family, get married - life will be better..... Well, here I am 10 yrs. later and this deep sadness has yet to leave. At times I find it comforting, it has been a lifetime partner afterall. I am also angry a lot. I feel as though I am not a good mother and often times feel like a crappy wife. Then there are the days where life is grand and all is right with the world. oh how I love the upswings.

I currenlty am not taking medication (big surprise huh), I just can't. I take xanax when my nerves are just completly shot but that's about it. I have tried evry medication there is. I either feel like a zombie, disconnected from everything, or I feel so sick I can't function. Some medications have made me cycle faster and I can't tell up from down. And some have made me very angry - these are the ones my husband hates the most (big surprise). I have also tried several DR.'s - I don't like feeling like I know my illness better than a DR.

The biggest problem for me is that I worry what I am doing to my child. My mother was also bi-polar, I am worried my child will have the same problems as me. I find myself trying to be distant in some way so that I don't ruin her emotionally, but as we all know this will also cause damage. Everything causes damage. I feel as though I am at a loss.

Anyway - this is me and my crap, thanks for letting me vent. I look forward to any advice an aging BP has to offer. :)

My doctor put me on depakote works good for me. However I don't know if you only take Xanax . That is only for the depression side and from what I have read will do nothing for the pyshyical factor that is bi polar . you need to go to a DR. that understands this or go to mental health professional. I know now at 56. I started going on and off different drugs that heplped stabilize the depression for years till now and they only led me to now . This last six months was the worst of my life. I now understand that I have to take the right meds for me , and have therapy as needed the rest of my life. I raised three children and they made it . We Mom's are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. But you have to do it for you. It will be like coming out of a fog. It was for me. Did it make life perfect. Nope Do I cope better. Yes I am finding myself doing that after a month , of course it still is and I am sure will be for a while hard to deal with the big stress issues. Know you are not alone .

I also am Bi-Polar, I'm 55 an right now I'm at a very low point in this wonderful Mania we have been blessed with, LOL
I'm on Zoloft, Buspar, and Cymbalta, You'd think something would help
I'm so fed up trying to get through these days, I don't know about you
but it wears me out, Do you feel like your detached from reality?
Seems like everyone is moving forward and I'm stuck in some hole somewhere
Well I'm sure I haven't helped you any but sometimes it's nice to be able to talk to someone else who has a clue what your going through
I send you Big Gentle Hugz My Friend,
Please let me know how you are feeling

I can totally relate to what you are saying. Being stuck in low spot - that seems to be where I am at also. I keep telling myself that I have to keep going and I will push through this - like always. I know that whenever I am at a low spot, a high one should be comin' around soon. My biological mother (I was adopted) committed suicide because of mania, for the sake of my kids I cannot follow that path.

The main reason I feel lost right now is because I seem to be unable to find a good DR., someone who can understand what I am going through. I get real tired of the 10 min. med checks and then a "have a nice day" kinda approach to medicine. Most of them read a book and then think they know what I am going through. I am in my early and I have been dealing w/ this since I was diagnosed. It's very frustrating.

I got off my meds just to feel something - they made me feel detatched and like I was in a fog. When I am on my meds I think I would rather be manic then emotionless - I mean nothin' - no emotions. WEIRD! To go from having a ton of emotion to nothin', I dunno it feels almost scary to me. Anyway, I guess this is just another episode to get through. Thanks for letting me vent.again.

Just read your post this morning was glad to hear from you,
I woke-up this morning same old crappy feeling, and another
day to try and get through
I get through the days for my kids, I try to put that forced happy face on but dying inside, I wish I also could get the high once again instead of this
helpless, useless feeling, Ya know?
Well I hope you are doing better soon
I'm not adopted but my mom had a failed suicide attempt when I was young
I also have suicidal thoughts but like I said all I have to do is look at my kids faces
Hope to hear from you soon and I will keep you in my prayers