Hi,

I was thinking about you today. How did it go? Are you okay?

Let us know, hoping things are all right.

Seaturtle

hey im so sorry for not replying my computer hasnt been working...bad news after all of my anticipation my doc called me about 3hrs before my appointment saying he was sick and id have to reschedule :( my appointment is now tommorow but i got off the phone and i was dvestated i know that he wasnt going to fix me in one day but i was just so looking forward to feeling safe to have spoken face to face with somebody who understood! i felt like it was going to give me strength to fight these binges etc but its just gotten worse...i am trying really hard but the more i fight it the more irritated anxious and shakey i become which is proof to me that my ED is getting stronger by the day...i am however still tapering down on the laxatives with my mums help and still havent bought a secret stash im down to 6 today from 30!!! everyday i get so nervous and right now i feel terrible about cutting down like im going to get fat (i know its not true) but just hate being so anxious! i hate my ED because i know they arnt my thoughts and i can sit here logical normal me and i know im underweight [removed] and i do see that im all boney and tiny (rarely but i do sometimes see it) i see the numbers on the scales dropping below my maintainance weight but yet my ED tells me im fat, it shows me big in the mirror, it gives me fear and complete irrationality towards normal everyday activities, it gives me self doubt and comeplete shame and disappointment in myself...it drives me nuts cos i know im skinny i know im beautiful and i know i am a happy fun loving person, this ED is the complete opposite to everything that is me...i know ED is getting stronger but im still fighting, its weird its like the more weight i loose the more ED controls me its never happy if anything i think i look bigger which is just the disorder developing further...im not going to let it win, not today, not tommorow and not for the rest of my life - this is my life and my body and im taking it back, just wish i could do it right now.

Hi,

Glad to hear from you - I ws a litle worried something had happened. I will look forward to hearing what happened with the doc tomorrow.
And huge congratulations on getting those laxatives down. They don't really cause any weight loss at all, as you know. That's a major accomplishment.

I don't think you ED is really getting worse. It's trying to compensate for the laxatives, for one thing, and also, whenever I have started to fight it really hard, it just gets worse. After all, it's being threatened. But this does get better - with a little time and tons of support.

Will your doc give you some meds for the anxiety? I know how intense that can be - I have take meds for it.

Hang in there, you're doing great - the laxatives and finally going to the doc.

Maybe make a deal with the ED - like okay, you can have your time, but I'm going to limit the purging to ***** times today.

I will be looking for your post tomorrow. Meanwhile, just do the thing that is to be taken care of next, one foot in front of the other.

Blessings and peace,

Seaturtle

hey there! so i went to my docs appointment - he was fantastic! i feel so much more confident in this now just having somebody who fully understands the working of the disorder rather than reading from a text book to me!
i had written out a letter to tell him exactly how bad things are but he asked the right questions and made me feel safe so i was able to tell him myself i was so proud of myself for not lying! i have to go once a week atm to see him to try the first step of my recovery - he wants to try a strategy called mindful, he said that its about recognising that with this disorder and the hig anxiety it creates you cant just take away one of its traits (like laxatives or gym etc) without having a control for the anxiety that will follow..im not exactly how it will work but it sounds like he is going to teach me how to recognise these anxieties and redirect them change them and control them (i have NO idea how he will achieve me im just putting my faith in what he saids) he said that this step may work but if he doesnt see significant results he is taking me to the in clinic! (i dont want to go there im terrified of it and refuse to go) he said to me that im not there yet but im alot closer to it than he would like...he said that this is also about seeing weather or not my thoughts are strong enough to control ED without being in a clinic or if its just to strong which he said isnt a bad thing because this is one of the most demanding and dependant disorders...
so i feel good about actually having a plan and he said he was really happy about my laxative control and that i was managing to stick to it despite the massive anxiety attacks so maybe there is hope for me to still be that little bit stronger than ED...
im just scared at the moment when he said if we dont see "significant progress", what is that? i am absolutely terrified at the thought of putting on weight and i know with me last time i got told id have to go to a inclinic i put on weight to shut everyone up and i relapsed to a massive extent because i couldnt handle the extra weight it was to quick for me! i dont want to panic again and lie just so i dont have to go anywhere because i know that will ultimately result in me ending up back where i am now if not worse...i want to get better so badly but the thought of giving up the control of my weight and putting on weight makes ED grab me by the neck and go running for the hills!...im going to keep trying but i just cant believe how much safer i feel knowing that i have somebody who will make sure i get better! i also am struggerling however with the massive anxiety my ED is causing i feel like im walking around having a heart attack majority of the time...
hope this all makes sense! it was good tho he said to me that my discription of what i see in the mirror - fun house mirrors - was perfect and he hasnt heard anyone describe it better :) maybe there is hope for me yet :)

hope you are going well and have a nice weekend thank you so much for all your messages you are helping me so much!
bec

Hiya,

What good news!! I'm so happy for you, a proud of you, taking all the scary steps. Of course there is hope for you. And I understand all the fears and doubts, too.
I am much in the same place, except I don't have the purging and laxative issues. My weight is very low, and I have to see a doctor, therapist several times a week. I am working in therapy to find a way I can deal wtih the anxiety of eating (therapist calls it a phobia, really, and I think it is.) She has me write down exactly what I am going to eat, what I am going to add, and to reassure myself as I eat that the feelings I am having are ED feelings, not rational -- and they are not rational. I know I feel will frightened, maybe disgusted...but I have to acknolwedge those feelings, not try to push them away, and just sit with them. They will apparently lessen in time.
I know I MUST do this, if I want any chance at the rest of my life. It will take a lot of energy and a leap of faith, and I probably will be very uncomfortable. I am just praying that I have the strength to do it, and being able to share this process with you helps me, too. I am glad we can support each other.
I don't know what your doc means by "significant progress" - you might ask him specifically what he means. My T is asking me to just add a bit more each day, but I have had this for so long that any change is a huge change for me. I really didn't have any time in my teens or entire adult life when I was not into the beliefs and mandates of the a/n.
I have come to recognize the ED thinking and beliefs as almost psychotic - belief in something that is not reality-based. It helps me to admit that I have a pretty serious mental illness that prevents me from seeing reality. Not easy, pretty humbling; in other areas of my life, I function very well. In this one, I am off the wall and need a tremendous amount of help.
I have no other support except this T.
Let's keep on writing. I will keep you posted as to how I'm doing and what I'm doing, and you do the same. Your support means a lot to me. Thank you.

I have made a page of things I can tell myself when I am eating and that fear comes up, kind of reassurances like I would give someone else, like "It's okay, I know you're scared, but it is really safe to eat more. It's all right. I will help you through the fear." As if I were comforting a small child. And in this, I am a small, frightened child.

So I will reach out to the part of you that is so scared and feeling so helpless, and offer that reassurance, too. Try to comfort yourself and admire yourself for the struggle you're going through, be gentle and compassionate with yourself.

Thinking of you,

Seaturtle