I may be bringing dad home soon. I spoke with my sister a couple of days ago and she seems to be at her wits end. She's had a LOT of responsibility dumped on her (a newborn grandchild whom she has taken temporary custody of). She's trying to balance taking care of dad and the newborn as well as her young daughter. Obviously, it's overwhelming. Dad is getting worse. He won't go out anymore and she can't get him to shower at all. I feel that a lot of his actions (staying in his room and not eating with the family but "sneaking food") has a bit to do with my sister's edginess. When she called me, she was talking very loud and almost had a desperate sound in her voice. This is not like her and we all know how other's moods can affect AD patients.

I'm going to call around and see what type of help I can get for him here. I think a lot of this recent change has to do with all the changes happening in my sister's household and my brother's recent death. I think it's not going to be much longer before dad goes into a nh. I know what my limits are and I'm sticking to them. I won't let myself get overwhemed like I did the last time he was here. If my sister can hold out just a little while longer, I'll be able to get the balls rolling here and have the support I need to care for dad before he comes back.

I won't make that 12 hour trip until I know I'll have help waiting here. No way, no how can me and my family do this on our own anymore.

He's slipping again. For so long, he seemed to stay pretty much the same. I know this might sound cruel to some, but I was hoping that dad would stay the same until he died of something else. I almost had myself convinced that he would. Life with AD is such a cruel life and horribly scary and slow death.

Wish me luck that I find the right help and enough of it. Right now, my sister thinks all I'll need is a CNA to come a couple of times a week to bathe him. We'll see.

Love, Barb

Dear Barb, don't you think it's time to get him into one of the Veterans' hospitals down there in AL? Such a long trip will be hard on him, and if I know anything about the sytem, you need a different insurance coverage when you chage states. Same for supplementary drug coverage. I would see if he can get into one down there. Your sister certainly has her hands full. But you have a lot on your plate also.

I hope the whole family will agree that NH placement is now the best thing for everyone.

love,

Martha

No one in my family will ever agree on anything. They made that obvious over two weeks ago when my brother died. The fueding was HORRIBLE!

And I'm not ready until I get at least one person in the family to agree to it. I don't need everyone to agree, just one.

He still knows more than one would think at this stage. I think that's one of the reasons no one is ready to go on to the next step.

I'm sure it won't be long until we'll have to make other arrangements for dad. I used to look at nursing homes as giving up on my dad. I don't think that way anymore. I think dad would benefit from structured social activities that nursing homes provide. He definitely should not be alone in his room as much as he is.

I'm feeling very sad for dad now. His brothers and sisters act as if he doesn't exist anymore except for one of his brothers. It's like dad has the Plague or something. I went to a cousin's wedding reception/graduation party and later found that dad never even received an invitation. If he did, my sister would have gotten it. At my son's graduation party, my dad's family pretty much ignored him. In fact, everyone did. I know that people tend to not know what to say and such. But they treat him like he's not even there.

Phooooeyyyy on them!!!! They miss out on some good times with dad.

Love, Barb

My thoughts and prayers go with you Barb. I know placement is a hard decision to make because I have just done it. Check with your sister who has him now. She's overwhelmed and you will have difficulties taking him into your home. Maybe it's time and the two of you can agree. That would facilitate only one move for him as well. It's something to think about.

I also know about feuding families. I have two sisters that are causing chaos at the moment. But they have Mom and Dad between them so I am shrinking into the wood work. Hold firm to what you know you can do and look for alternatives.

And know there are always people here. This place is awesome!!

Love, Deb

In my experience, placement doesn't happen until the CARER can't cope. Dad may never be 'ready' for placement in everybody's eyes, but if the carer isn't coping, and nobody else is going to step up to the plate, placement HAS to happen.

I wouldn't go looking for approval from ANYBODY in your family unless they offer a positive opinion. If he's coming home to YOU, then the choice is with YOU because nobody else has stepped up to the plate. Already your sister is 'burnt out' (notwithstanding other stresses). You are still grieving over the loss of your brother and I hope your not trying to relieve your feelings by bringing Dad HOME to be with you because of that. If I'm outta line, just say so, it's the amateur psychiatrist in me (ask Martha, I'm always analysing) LOL.

And 'fueding families', well, yeah ..I know about them (remember?), and it didn't stop me making my charges SAFE. That was the ultimate aim, but it DID cause a lot of damage to me, my kids and my family. Make sure you have EVERYTHING in position and ensure even after that you have back up and support. Not everything will fall into place when you want it to, and I do NOT want to see you go through what I did.

big hugs, you WILL make the right decision regardless what anybody says.

Angelbear, you're not out of line at all. I appreciate your opinions very much. You've been to the extreme side of caregiving while dealing with dysfunctional family members or otherwise irrational people. You bring an honest, heartfelt message to the table. You don't know it but I even got a cup of nice hot tea with the message. Thank you, friend! :)

Deb and Martha, thank you both for your honesty and concern. That's why I bring this subject to this board. I know you all won't sugar coat things. I need the honesty I know I get from you.

Dad has an appt with an ENT next week. My sister says she'll bring up the subject of dad coming home sometime after the appt so I have a little more time to prepare.

Dad has a hard time expressing his feelings now (always did really but more so now). I think this recent addition to my sister's family and then my brother's death so soon afterwards has really thrown him for a loop. I'm hoping that by bringing him home and taking him to my brother's grave might at least give him a little comfort and closure. Life is a somewhat slower pace here, not a lot of people running in and out (and moving in and out) like at my sister's house.

I know the time is near that dad will have to be placed. But I just can't do it now. He still knows what's going on around him too much for me to let go.

Love, Barb

I think AngelBear is right. Placement happens when the caregiver cannot cope because the patient is never ready. I respect that you want to give your Dad one more try at your home Barb and applaude you for your efforts. Just know your limitations and get help. Be open and aware of changes and alternatives in the future. You will know when it is time. I will say it again... nothing is permenant. Know I will keep you and your dad in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, Deb